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Involved with a great guy who wont deal with Crohn's diagnosis - need advice

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Crohn's Disease
Not dealing with treating Crohn's?
Self defeating - 66.7% - 6 votes
What the heck? - 0.0% - 0 votes
Utter stupidity? - 22.2% - 2 votes
Other - 11.1% - 1 votes
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Posted 8/4/2009 5:30 PM (GMT 0)

Hello!

I've recently become involved with a wonderful man (40 yrs old).  He shared with me that he has recently been diagnosised with Crohn's although he's suspected for over 20 yrs that he's had it. It runs in his family and his aunt died from complications arising from her denial of the disease.  He is choosing to not do anything other than just 'deal with it'.

I've been reading up on this disease, and his behavior seems self defeating.  I am totally aware that the only person one may control is self, but it hurts my heart to see him do this.

I am not trying to control his behavior.  I'm looking for guidance & support to better educate myself from a personal perspective.  I can read all the articles out there, but the human element is missing. 

Thank you for reading and for those who choose to share feedback, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Imzadi

Posted 8/4/2009 5:38 PM (GMT 0)
You are so right.  Nobody can help him but himself.  It's his body and his symptoms.  Personally, I don't know how anyone can be in denial with Crohns.  The symptoms are usually in your face 24/7.  Perhaps he's embarrassed.  It is an embarrassing disease to talk about.  It involves our bowels and nobody likes to discuss that - it's private.  I commend you for offering your love and support to him.  We all need a good support person in our lives.  See if you can find a local crohns support group in your area.  Maybe once he see's that he's not alone and that we are all basic, normal people going through the same things that he is, then he'll be more open to being pro-active with his own healthcare.  I wish you the best of luck as you try to help him and sort this all out.  :-)
Posted 8/4/2009 9:42 PM (GMT 0)
My first question would be...How much patience do you have? My dear husband met me when i still did not talk about my disease. I was getting care, but I am a minimalist for care unless I am knocked to the floor. I forced the issue some on our first date showing him my high pill count, but I expected that would keep him quiet and he wouldn't want to know more.
He, very slowly and bits at a time, asked questions and gathered information from me. He got me to talk more about as he asked educated, non-threatening questions. I honestly don't remember ever having a conversation about the disease, but in our first two years of dating he asked enough small questions to know most of what happens. I guess it was a very slow approach that made me comfortable.
As far as his not getting care....depends on what symptoms he has. I went with no care before my emergency rupture, then I had very little care for 10 years. The disease made new adventures in the last few years and I have no choice but to get more care. perhaps that will be his route too.

Keep coming here with your questions and we can help as possible. Maybe he will feel comfortable to visit us or a support group with time.
Posted 8/4/2009 9:49 PM (GMT 0)
The head in the sand method is not my way, so it is a bit hard to see how to shift him. It may be possible to persuade him to try a diet modification since that does not involve giving up control to the doctors and hospitals. Since his family history may have given him a distrust of hospitals, he might be willing to try something non-medical. For some info on that option, see:
PecanBread
and
http://www.scdiet.org/

It would be ideal if he were to take control of his diet/health, but you may be able to get him to try things.
Posted 8/5/2009 1:35 AM (GMT 0)
Good question, poll answers not exactly oozing with support(utter stupidity?). If tough love worked on this board, most of the people would not like the answers giving. It is a sensitive topic, one thing said wrongly at first could close up the kind of communications you want to have.
Posted 8/5/2009 2:10 AM (GMT 0)
Is he taking any medication at all? By not treating it, he's increasing his chances of ending up like his aunt, sorry to say. It isn't an easy diagnosis, but by ignoring it he won't make it go away either, unfortunately. I'm surprised that since it runs in his family and he knows what the consequences can be, he isn't taking a more serious approach to it. I really hope that he rethinks his choice to ignore it, and tries to get better for his own sake.
Posted 8/5/2009 2:15 AM (GMT 0)
Let me tell you my story, and I hope it may help you a little. I just married a man I met 2 and a half years ago. He is 48 and I am 44. I was in remission when we met and although I told my husband that I had Crohn's it had little impact except that I did not eat certain things and that I was working half time in order to reduce stress etc. I didn't tell him when I went to the doctor at first, or show him the medication I was taking.

I am just (hopefully) coming out of a major flare up. I have been sick since December. It has been very hard for me because I feel that I have put a big burden on my husband that he didn't sign up for. I had not experienced a flare up like this before, and he has had to deal with 2 hospital stays etc. He is now intimately aware of my medications, my appointments etc.

I would prefer to "deal with it" myself too. That doesn't mean that I would ignore my disease, but that I would do what is needed to be done without it involving others, except for my doctors. Unfortunately I have 2 children and so due to my flare up my husband has had to become much more involved in their care and MY care than expected by either of us. I think that perhaps your boyfriend wants to retain the romance, and talking about intestines and such like is not romantic!

My husband, like HabsHockeyFan, has gently made it clear that he is willing, able and happy to share in my life - good and bad. That is all you can do. It is wonderful that you are taking the time to understand your boyfriend's condition, and I am sure that he will slowly welcome your support as your relationship deepens. Good luck, and thank you on behalf of your boyfriend for caring!
Posted 8/5/2009 11:32 AM (GMT 0)
Dealing with the fact that you have a chronic disease is difficult...even if you knew there was a chance. I definitely grieved for a long time after my dx and grief can make people act in ways that don't seem rational. It is possible that he has given up, he might be depressed, he might be embarrassed, he may feel that there is no point in treatment since he saw someone die from it, does he have health insurance? Crohn's is an expensive disease. There are a ton of possibilities that could explain the way he is reacting to his dx but I don't think its really fair for you to judge him so harshly (from looking at your poll options).

I think the best thing that you could do is to just talk to him about how he feels about his dx and why he has decided not to seek treatment. Its important for you to go into that conversation as nonjudgmental as possible. If you approach him with facts and statistics (especially as someone who doesn't have the disease) and make him feel like he is wrong, he is very likely to shut down and not want to talk to you about it. It is important for him to seek treatment but its also important to realize that on some level he is grieving.
Posted 8/5/2009 12:48 PM (GMT 0)
he is more then likely going to go thru the stages of grief after such a dx especially due to his aunt's death
Posted 8/5/2009 1:04 PM (GMT 0)
Well the unfortunate truth with Crohns is that it is like the old saying directed at a pacifist who said that he was not interested in war -- "yes, but war may well be interested in you." Crohns has a way of breaking through denial when you wake up at 2 a.m. with a painful obstruction and wind up before dawn in emergency surgery. Hopefully that won't happen with him, but the reality is that CD left essentially untreated almost always causes major damage and complications sooner or later. For now if he is living a relatively normal life, there really is no reason for you to expect him to change. Only you can make the decision on what your combined future holds, but you can take some assurance that, despite the relative's reported fatal outcome, Crohns is really not a mortal illness. It is one that can severely compromise quality of life and even lead to periodic medical crises, but it is very rare for someone to out and out die from.

Posted 8/5/2009 1:15 PM (GMT 0)
I agree 100% with MikeB. I once enjoyed a 20 year remission med free. It ended in an ugly manner with an emergency surgery much like Mike described above. Will I ever be med free again, heck NO!! That really woke me up and made me realize that I really was sick and needed to take better care of myself. Hopefully, things don't happen the same for your BF, but he if keeps denying the disease I am sure it will remind him again sooner than later. Good luck!
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