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Posted 7/8/2010 12:42 PM (GMT 0)
So my 14 year marriage is over. I found out last night that he's been having an emotional affair. We had been having some problems the last month or so. I had been trying so hard to work on things, but wasn't getting anywhere. Now I see why. I'm completely devastated. I loved him my whole adult life, and he had been with me through all my illness. He won't tell me about this person he's having the emotional affair with. I'm guessing she's nice and healthy, full of engery, and probably skinny. But regardless, he says he doesn't love me enough to stay married, and wants a divorce. He's just being so cold, no emotion.

I'm not sure how I'm going to get through this, especially with my Crohn's. I can see a huge flare coming on any time now. I can't work with this DD. He was my only insurance coverage. How am I going to afford my medications? I just don't know what to do. I do have my Mom thankfully, and will be moving in with her I guess (with my son, which is also devastated, and it's so hard to keep it together for him). Any advice? Or maybe just a shoulder to cry on?

Posted 7/8/2010 1:42 PM (GMT 0)
Oh Jen. I'm so sorry. Really sorry.You need all the support you can get right now. I don't know that I have any great advice, but I just want to tell you that even though this is HORRIBLE, you WILL get through it. There are lots of ways you can get medicine - patient assistance programs, medicaid (if you can qualify), maybe even disability (medicare) since you said you can't work. Maybe your doctor's office even has samples they can give you too.

As for the emotional aspect of this, be gentle with yourself. When someone is bent on walking away there's nothing you can say, do, or be that will change his mind. Clearly the issue isn't with you, but with him. I'm so sorry. I wish I had something more comforting to say. You are in my thoughts. Hang in there.

Stef
Posted 7/8/2010 2:17 PM (GMT 0)
I am so sorry to hear about this, and I understand the worry about additional stress and insurence. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted 7/8/2010 2:48 PM (GMT 0)
AWWWW HUN
i am so so bleeding sorry
i know firsthand how that feels
Howie did same with me n i am still pining over him to a point

then i will think of the old
FREDY FENDER song
...if you lose me...
..oh ya you lose a good thing

and he did
my heart goes out to you
hugs
lyn
Posted 7/8/2010 3:07 PM (GMT 0)
I am so so so very sorry. I have a friend going through something similar. Her husband of 4 yrs, with an 18 month old and one on the way (16 weeks) ups and decides he doesn't love her anymore and wants a divorce. No further explanation. He had agreed to give counseling a try and they went for their first visit and he basically said, no I'm done trying. He's being a huge jerk. She has lupus and its the only way she's getting insurance is through him. Why are some men such idiots?

I know it'll be hard the next while, but you can get through it. It's easier said than done, but be sure to stay diligent on your meds, might help keep a flare at bay. :( **HUGS**
Posted 7/8/2010 3:37 PM (GMT 0)
Make your insurance coverage a term of your divorce settlement. With the new law requiring everyone to purchase health insurance, perhaps the divorce court will agree that it is appropriate for his financial settlement to include the cost of your health insurance going forward.

I'm so, so sorry about this. Big hugs for you and your son.
Posted 7/8/2010 4:06 PM (GMT 0)
I think Kazbern has a good idea. I think health insurance is a very big deal to get covered, and perhaps the best way to go about it is to make it part of the divorce agreement. Also, you may qualify for medicare for a while until you can get back on your feet.

This is an absolutely horrendous time for you, and I'm glad you have your mom. Take each day as it comes, and remember, you are better off without a bad husband. Don't let this disease make you feel like you have no other prospects outside of this marriage - try to think of all the positive things that you can do with your life after the divorce. It could be a new and good beginning for you. Perspective and attitude is going to play a huge part in how well you are able to cope with this blow; so try to hold on to the positives, and find your inner strength to focus on the good things and the good people in your life.

While your divorce is getting finalized, it is going to be a very emotionally trying time. You need to find a way to find calmness, and to not let the emotional churn become all consuming to keep healthy, and keep crohn's at bay. So, focus your energy inward, and try to focus on the good things, and consciously ward away the emotional stressors. Easier said than done, but I think you can do it if you are mindful of your thoughts.

Hang in there! It will get better.

PV
Posted 7/8/2010 4:24 PM (GMT 0)
Lots of hugs (((hugs))) coming your way. I to think making drug coverage part of the settlement until you have another plan in place is the way to go. Concentrate on yourself and your son, and take lots of walks. It helps me when I feel stressed to just walk around the block in the fresh air and get away from it all. They say for every door that closes another one opens. Take care.

Julia
Posted 7/8/2010 5:10 PM (GMT 0)
First off - I am so sorry to hear your news. Divorce is never easy and I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to go through while sick. (My divorce was Pre-Crohn's).

I agree that as a part of the settlement he should provide the medical insurance. Even if you can't stay on his policy (a final divorce decree may prevent that), you can get into the high risk pools. From what I understand all states are now required to have one. I'm in the state of Washington and find their high risk pool insurance plans to be quite good.

Hang in there. I'm so sorry, too, for your son...
Posted 7/9/2010 1:06 AM (GMT 0)
Jen,
I'm so sorry to hear this. I've been through a difficult divorce too (after 18 years of marriage), and one thing I learned is that it is SURVIVABLE -- you will get through it by taking it one step at at time.

Other advice:

1. Allow yourself to be sad and shocked and to grieve - you don't have to solve all the problems right away. I always say I spent a week sobbing in the bathroom, then I picked myself up and built a new life. And, in some ways I did. But, in reality it takes a long time for everything to feel normal again. You'll have good days and bad, but always remember that he's the one with the problem - not you.

2. Prioritize your health - try not to do the junk food thing or to drink too much if this causes CD symptoms for you. Also, try to take walks and stay on all meds / keep your doctor's appts. It's tempting to let all this slip and then it's even harder to get back to normal.

3. Do some research about your health care options -- what the state offers, what the costs will be. Then, you will be in a clear and strong position to ask for either coverage or reimbursement in a settlement. (I wasn't able to achieve this, but my situation is unique and most states would assume it was the primary earner's responsibility to cover health after a marriage of more than 10 years.) Information is power. You'll feel better and be able to stop worrying when you know the facts about your options. Many states have a health care helpline you can call for assistance.

4. Spend time with friends and family -- don't isolate yourself

My divorce (which is still partly ongoing after 4 years) has definitely affected my CD for the worse. I look forward to some closure so I can move forward and I wish the same for you. But first, you have to get over the shock and just process what's going on. By posting to healingwell already you're showing your really amazing coping and connecting skills already.

Sending you ((hugs))
Posted 7/9/2010 3:52 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you all for the wonderful support. I can't say how much it means to me, and how needed it is right now. I'm obviously still in shock and struggling. I got the ball rolling with a good lawyer. Mainly to get me some income for the time being from him. I've also asked that my son and I get to stay in the home for now, and he leave. Which all made him mad. He seemed upset that I moved so quickly, but what did he expect?

I'm still falling apart, and have not eaten a think in 24 hours. Have only slept 2 hours. I'm just not hungry, in fact I feel like throwing up. Maybe it would benefit me to see my doctor about something to help calm me? I know I'm not taking care of myself as I should, but I just feel like my world is completely upside down.
Posted 7/9/2010 12:38 PM (GMT 0)
Geeez Jen, so sorry to hear this and know you are going through such a tough time. Please see your doc for some help getting through this. There is nothing wrong with doing that and you have to take care of yourself. Thats important. Hang in there and keep us up on how your doing . Big hug (((((((Jen)))))))
Posted 7/9/2010 8:07 PM (GMT 0)
Sniper is totally right - you need all the help you can get right now. So, some meds to calm you down will probably be a godsend. When my hubby got sick and went to the hospital, I got so anxious and depressed, I was not in a good place mentally. Seeing a psychiatrist, and a psychologist and getting on some meds sure helped me gain equilibrium again. Now that things are more normal, I am weaned off the meds. But if I find myself headed to a bad place again, I'd be right there asking for some meds to tide me through.

Good job on getting a good lawyer on your side right away. I think you should try to formulate a routine for eating - whether you are hungry or not. Maybe have some shakes like ensure available, so that you can just down a couple of those and since it is a meal replacement, it should cover you for the meal. I've taken to setting a few recurring alarms on my phone to remind me of lunch time, snack time etc., and it does help me. Maybe you can try something like that - when you are preoccupied, it certainly leads to missed meals, so a timely reminder maybe good.

Also, a sleep aid maybe good for you right now - maybe even benedryl if not something stronger, if you aren't sleeping through the night. Sleep is so important for feeling healthy, so don't hesitate to down some pills to get a good nights rest.

(((Hugs)))
PV
Posted 7/14/2010 9:17 PM (GMT 0)
HI Jennifer I know exactly how you feel. my husband of 24 years did the same thing with my caregiver. please e-mail me privately I have been very sick for 7 years. please write me at donna_marquart2000.yahoo.com there is so much we can share with eachother and maybe put our heads together and figure out how to get through all the pain. please write to me. this is my first posting in probabbly 3 or 4 years. THinking about you and relating to you pain heart ache and suffering... Donna
Posted 7/15/2010 8:01 AM (GMT 0)
I am sorry that you are going through this trial now, but you may see in the long scheme of things that this a true blessing. You may find someone who will love you for who you are and accept the whole package and not just the good parts.
Now as for the insurance situation, you can most definitely add insurance to part of your alimony. He may not be able to keep you on his insurance, but as part of your alimony you can request that he pays for your monthly premium for another insurance coverage. I know this is possible because my family lawyer just helped a friend of mine with a similar situation. As part of the alimony he has to pay up to $350 a month for her separate insurance on top of her regular alimony allotment. They were married for 46 years and the judge said that if he deserved insurance so did she.
Posted 7/15/2010 3:24 PM (GMT 0)
Wow (((((((((((Jen)))))))))))) I am so sorry I did not see this before. I am so sorry for your loss, and trauma of all this. I also want to put the card on the table for both you and your son getting both individual and family therapy.
Posted 7/16/2010 5:00 PM (GMT 0)
What a jerk and promise breaker.

I'm glad you got a lawyer so fast. Make sure you get ongoing alimony and medical benefits, which you are probably entitled too since he was your provider. Also, I wouldn't believe a word he says about an "emotional affair". Get tested for STDs. Sorry to sound harsh, but at this point you must put yourself and your boy first.

Stay strong, surround yourself with supporters. Do you go to church? It's a great place to get support in every way.

Take care!

Post Edited (Roni) : 7/16/2010 12:37:51 PM (GMT-6)

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