Saturday tlc

ouch you sound really tired. At least you saw some butterflies, i think i saw 3 the whole of last summer. I'm spending my day stopping the cats from picking on me which isnt going well. They're not really picking on me, they just dont understand that they cant jump on my tummy or i'm so skinny that them standing on me hurts.

Gah, just feeling abit fed up, which isnt surprising only a week till my dad's anniversary. I hate this time of year.

I'm sorry, choc, about your dad...

I think I'm in a major depression.

I'll make an appointment with my GP on Monday and try to get back into the hospital system, knowing all the while I will completely **** it up. I don't yet know how. I just know, in my bones of bones, I will be the usual stuttering, stumbling, inarticulate fool. The sort of person that nobody ever takes seriously. I'm so, so tired of it. Feel like a dog crawling back to its master, to have the same old wounds lashed again.

But if that's what it takes to get treatment for the Crohn's...

My mum will come with me, but she can't really say to the doctor what's wrong. Or advocate for treatments she doesn't know anything about.

My GP kinda knows I am not the world's best communicator.

I dunno... :-/

Fall down onto my knees and cry, most likely... <_<

It's the NHS, where they turf you out as soon as humanly possible :/

I can't see them agreeing to admit me. As far as being admitted is concerned, I must admit that occasionally I do think it would be a relief, but that is more to get a break from everything, not just the Crohn's. And the reality might not match the fantasy: certainly most people I know who've been in hospital seem to have hated it, including both my parents.

I'm too scared to try to get admitted to a psych hospital.

I dunno; my GP does know I'm depressed. And he does make sympathetic noises. As my mum says, he doesn't do a lot else but he does at least make sympathetic noises. To be fair, I think he is sincere in his desire to help, but there's not an awful lot he can do about the depression or the Crohn's.

Mu dad died 5 years ago, which was three weeks after i was diagnosed with crohn's. Its tricky at home cos mum doesn't like my dad cos he was mean about her whilst he was dying. He was horrible to me too but i seem to have been able to almost put that aside and remember that my dad was a very different person to the one who had terminal bowel cancer. If we talk about dad, i just get upset and mum starts ranting about how he was so horrible and there's no real reason for it. So i try to just remember him on my own.

NCOT - i'm so proud of you!!!! well done for getting yourself some help. I really hope your doctor listens and helps you or put you in touch with some-one who can x

NCOT are you taking any meds at all for the depression? Might be a good idea to talk to your doc about that too. As sometimes that can upset the applecart with Crohns too. I am sending good wishes to you for your appt tomorrow. Hugs!

Forgot to post my TLC's

Feeling C today, so I'm drinking gatorade with mirilax, and having coffee. Hopefully that'll do the trick.

Yesterday my dad came by and we fixed toilets that were running (2 of the 3 were running and I had them turned off so my water bill wouldn't be really high). I also picked up trim paint so I can touch up the trim around the house. It'll make a big differrence in the kitchen and my bathroom especially! I may start working on that later, but right now I'm just relaxing. (And the bonus was that Dad paid for all the stuff at Home Depot!)

Just to reiterate: I don't actually have an appointment tomorrow, I'm just going to make one tomorrow... :-/

Re depression and meds - I have an even worse history with antidepressants than with Crohn's meds :-/ ... I have tried various meds. A few years ago it was the SSRIs, but I had a similar reaction to those as I did the 5-ASAs. One pill making me instantly sick, etc. Then in 2009, I tried tricyclics - twice. Those didn't make me instantly sick, but they had terrifying longer-term mental side-effects. Both times, several weeks after starting them, I ended up in a severely agitated, suicidal state. Now, I'm not the happiest bunny in the universe, but I do retain a certain control over my actions, no matter how bad I'm feeling. But while on these drugs I felt like I had no control. It's not an exaggeration to say that after one of the occasions, I'm lucky to still be alive.

Perhaps the most frightening thing of all was that at first the antidepressants seemed to be vaguely working. Not massively so, but I think I did feel a bit cheerier. Then that happens. I'm scared of Remicade, but Remicade is like candy floss compared to clomipramine. *shivers* I don't know if I can bring myself to try another AD ever again. My GP wants me to (he knows about my depression). A few months ago, he prescribed Effexor to me over the phone, I sounded that depressed :-/ (He did actually somewhat mistake my mood. I have no doubt I sounded woefully miserable, but that was more due to having woken up only a few minutes ago than to profound depression :-/) Anyhow, I never filled that particular prescription, so the Effexor is probably still there, waiting for me.

I'm sorry, btw, that my history with drugs reads something like a blues record. I do seem to be unusually sensitive to medication, unfortunately.

Thank you both, though :-/ *hugs* @Becky - Hope the C clears soon.

I haven't tried them for nearly long enough to tell. Just literally a dose once every few weeks or so.

My GP probably won't prescribe them long term. He was reluctant to prescribe the few he did. I don't know why, but GPs are really weird about prescribing sleeping pills or tranquilisers. (Actually I do know why. It's the dangers of addiction.)

Aha! I found it!!! Here you are:

https://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=17&m=1990005

Ok, this is going to be a bit of tough love, and I hope it doesn't upset you NCOT. I'm just trying to help, and sometimes you need to hear things without the sugar coating.

Obviously you're not happy with how things are. In order to make things different, something has to change. It's up to you to figure out what you're willing to try to get to a better place.

I understand the fear of trying new meds, because a couple ADs I tried made me have horrible nightmares and I'd wake up covered in sweat and terrified. However, wouldn't it be worth trying something in hopes that you might get to a better place? You can always stop taking it at the first negative effect. But not trying something new just means that you'll continue on the road you're on.

Your other option is trying therapy. That means that you would have to let down your guard and tell someone else exactly how you feel. It's scary, unpleasant, and sometimes emotionally overwhelming, but some people have good success with it. I personally don't feel it's the right thing for me, as there aren't things that upset me or put me in a bad mood. For me it's more that I just get stuck in a dark hole and want to stay in bed all the time. When I was on birth control I was much better because my hormones were leveled out, but that's not an option anymore, so I have to take prozac to keep me leveled out.

I hate that you're unhappy. I've been there, and it really sucks. But I hope that you'll think about things before your appointment, and go it with an open mind in hopes that you can feel better. I really also think that getting your mind in a better place will make it much easier to deal with the crohns.

((((BIG HUGS))))) to you!

Oh, and the miralax worked, and I'm feeling much better now! Didn't get to painting today though. I'll probably do a bit of it tomorrow!