Saturday tlc

@Becky - I think it would break the forum guidelines to tell you about my experiences on clomipramine and lofepramine... Suffice to say, I am talking about something very, very, very much worse than bad dreams - I get those anyway!

I'm talking about a fundamental instability, which in one instance led to a suicide attempt which I was lucky to escape alive from and only by one or two fortunate events I did. I woke up in hospital hooked to a heart machine monitor and with a large burn mark on my chest, of which I had no knowledge of how it got there. In the second instance, I had a nervous breakdown where I was highly suicidal, but managed to refrain from taking any pills - just about - and content myself with basically begging my dad to call the police or an ambulance to take me away. (He didn't...)

Now look, I am not the happiest bunny in the wood by a long shot, but I had managed to reach my mid-30s without a suicide attempt or breaking down like that in front of my dad. Both events happened about 2 months after I'd been on the meds. I have absolutely no idea why my mind was triggered in such a way; but it scares me and I never want to risk triggering that instability again. It's no good promising myself I'll stop at the first negative sign, because when it came on, it came on fast. There wouldn't have been much time to distinguish the psychotic breakdown from just a regular depressed mood.

I can't afford private therapy either. I just can't... It's about £100 an hour, or something.

I'm beginning to think I make my depression too evident on here.... I'm sorry.

Yeah, I am...

Yes, I'm pretty sure :/ ... I have a certain amount of rent to pay each week, plus petrol and other car costs. (I do get financial help with the car, but it's still quite a big money drain.)

I'm barely breaking even as it is. Ideally, I'd like to save but I just can't do it atm.

PS: Apologies if my previous post broke any boundaries. You know which one I mean, I am sure :-/ I'll try to sound less depressed in future =/ It's kind of a coping mechanism for me: sounding humanly miserable as possible :-/ Sometimes there is a dryness behind it, though, which probably isn't evident in text. Or sometimes I'm just miserable :p ... But I do think sometimes I come across as being more depressed than I intend to...

Post Edited (NiceCupOfTea) : 1/16/2011 8:05:48 PM (GMT-7)

ps. Therapists here do sometimes help their "poorer" patients (or those on welfare), esp if they seem to be genuinely needing help. And I think you really do need that.

Good idea looking, ncot - late, bye, sleep well.

I didn't mean to minimize your reaction to meds, really. I know that some people are super sensitive to any medicines and if they have side effects, they have them. And I know that nightmares don't compare to what you went through. It stinks, and I'm sorry about what you've been through.

I just worry about you. That's all. I don't want you to feel like you can't vent about your mood, because you should be honest here...good, bad, or otherwise. Please don't hold it in for fear that you'll scare us.

My worry is that things will stay the same, or get worse if something doesn't change. And if things don't change, it wears on you and affects all aspects of your life. I just don't want that for you. I want you to be happy and deal with CD a little better.

Maybe you should try MoodGym (just google it). It's online cognitive behavior therapy. Some people think it helps tremendously. It seems kind of silly and childish almost...the questions are simplified, but it does help you be aware of how your thoughts make your mood, and how to be aware of negative thoughts to help you feel better. Even if it helps a little, it would be worth a try. It's free also, so you don't have much to lose. Just a thought...

Have you thought about journaling? I'd think maybe it might be good for you, since you have a hard time expressing yourself to others. You don't have to do anything elaborate...just sit and write, or type, and just let your mind go and let whatever wants to land on the paper (or screen). I've done it in the past when I've been frustrated with a specific situation and didn't want to talk about it, or if I didn't know what was bothering me. I just wrote as if I was talking to another person. If nothing else, it was relaxing to me. Sometimes I'd just write down all the questions I wished I had answers for...and ponder what answers would make me feel better. Anyway, I keep meaning to start doing it again, but always forget to get a new notebook. Oooh, and you don't have to keep it, if you worry about someone else reading it. Or, you could keep it, and if at some point you are able to go to a therapist, you could take and flag pages that you feel express yourself well so they understand you a little better.

I'll continue to think, and maybe I'll come up with a bright idea...but if you get tired of my suggestions, just let me know and I'll back of, ok? :)

Ivy - i think it was everything that changed my dad. I mean he was HORRIBLE, just beyond horrible once he was told he was terminal. His rage to everything was white hot and everyone and everything suffered for it. My dad had always had a temper, but he worked to control it once him and mum were seperated, and in those years he was brilliant. I remember him like that, not what he became during the cancer. We laughed alot, and thanks to him i think i'm the only 24 yr old in the world who knows every word to Chuck Berry's songs!

NCOT - I too dont want to see you continue on this path, something has to change huni. Its in your hands as to what and how. I simply want to say, you have my support and you have my love no matter what x

Thank you, guys. *hugs*

I'm a bit worn out emotionally right now, I think. (I wound myself up in Monday TLC's thread...)

@Becky - You're right about things wearing on me and affecting all aspects. I'm more wound up than a tightly-coiled spring. Got no inner peace at all. And the tiredness... I don't need to complain about that to you guys, but it's always present, always, well, tiring :-/ ... It won't get any better. I think it's that which is finally making me seek help.

I'll look up MoodGym - the name does ring a bell. I did try a course of CBT on the NHS a couple of years ago, but it ended up as a kind of unspoken battle of wills - very unhelpful overall, really. The therapist was a trainee one and, I suspect, didn't know how to handle resistant patients. To be fair to me, I tried to be as honest as I could about my feelings, but it just seemed to keep on going around in circles. Maybe an online course, where I don't have to interact with another human being, would be better... :-/

A journal's a distinct possibility. Should be reasonably easy to create a private blog somewhere on the net. As a teenager I used to keep regular diaries, but then I lost the habit for some reason. It did help sometimes though.

@choc - bless *another hug* :p

I'm so sorry about your dad. He obviously couldn't handle having terminal cancer. My dad has always had problems with rage, too, and for a few months after his stroke it got worse. (It was pretty bad *before* the stroke too, though. He gave himself chest pains one evening after screaming at me.) In the days following the stroke, he was all beatific, claiming that his anger had gone, but he was wrong - so, so wrong :/ ... Me and my mum actually believed him, though. For me, it was the last time I'll ever really trust my dad emotionally again: he's too volatile, unpredictable. Anyway, sorry, I'm rambling a bit now...

I'm really happy for you at least you had some happy years with your dad. Credit to him, a lot of men don't recognise their own bad tempers or the effects it has on their nearest and dearest. Your dad did and kept it under control for a few years. That meant you must have been quite important to him for him to want to do that for you.

@ivy - *hugs* I'm so sorry you had to lose your mum at a young age... :/