I need to vent!! May I!!

I started to lose temper easily. Today, I quarreled with my nephew, a nine-year old boy, because he is playing and making noise. I can't tolerate noise anymore. Every Thursday and Friday, I have to be imprisoned in my room and bedridden coz of taking the methotrexate shot on Wednesday night. When I take this med, I become very nauseated despite taking Zofran, extremely fatigued and easily aroused. The only thing that makes me tolerate MTX is that one day it might kick in and make me withdraw pred. I have become an impatient person. I know that and no matter what I do to calm myself down, I fail. I saw many psychiatrists who told me that this is normal when one has a chronic disease. I was prescribed Cipralex if I wanted but I slept a lot when I started taking it and did not continue.

This disease is really debilitating. I long to those days when I used to do whatever I wanted: work, travel, go shopping. At that time, I suffered from GERD and gastritis but was never deprived of doing what I want. Now, I hardly can ever do more than what is required: go to work if I can and come back home and stay in bed as I have no stamina. I am not lamenting my fate or discussing the fact of getting IBD. I know that I'm better than others and that there are other people who suffer but I cannot find anybody to sympathize. I live with my mother and sisters. It's always me who explains to them what I suffer from. They have never bothered to understand it on their own. My friends know that I am always sick, so they never ask me for an outing.

You may tell yourself that she is whining and that all of us are through this. The problem is that I feel that my faith in my disease is very fragile. I always tell people to be strong, withstand any hardship and have faith in God. But it seems that I do not really believe in this. I'm now easily depressed and what annoys me really is that friends at work keep complaining for a week when they get a cold and suffer from fatigue and a sore throat. I keep looking at them and wonder how pampered they are. They do not know that Crohnies go through more than this. My mum once had abdominal cramps and she told me now I can feel how you constantly suffer.

Again, I'm not questioning the reason for my getting this darn disease. I'm very much satisfied with God's test. I even got this disease when I was 29, so I was old but I want to resume the activities I used to do before.

I don't have a family and I read several times here that a lot of Crohnies do have families, and children. However, since I cannot get into remission, I can think of neither marriage nor having children.

I know that the post my seem "trivial" but I needed someone who would listen and sympathize. If I tell this to my mother and sisters, they would tell me "Thank God, you are better than others". I don't want anybody to tell me what should be done as I know this very well but they cannot understand. I know that very well but I want to have a life and not be imprisoned in bed.

Can I have a life other than work and family commitments?

Sure, many of you fellow Crohnies have been through this kind of depression before. What did you do to push yourself out of it?

Really appreciate your replies.

Hi Minnietoty,
I don't have any real words of wisdom for you, I sure wish I did. Except for this: YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I just read your post and felt like you were describing my life as it currently is. I also am tired of just existing, dragging thru life and not being able to do anything fun at all. Right now I'm a tired, immobile LUMP, with chronic pain. And I get jealous of healthy people, workmates, family, friends - they're still doing stuff and as you say, when they get the flu, or a stomach bug, it's "OMG, I was so sick" and they stay home and rest. I'm jealous of them!!! Their sick day - well - that's a normal day for me (and many crohnies).

Anyway, doc recently gave me lorazapam cause I asked for it. I just couldn't stand my own attitude, tears, etc. He thought the antidepressants and ssri's were not for me. And lorazapam has helped me a little, but really, how I get thru this depression is by holding on, knowing there's still a lot to live for, and waiting / hoping for the good days. I'm in a real pity party on myself this week, but you know what : This week I think I can go to Pity-ville, I have a right to feel sad about this and so do you. BUT I also have to keep trying, and hoping, and you said that you are too - so good for you & me!! Sorry long post, but just wanted to say, you're not alone in this feeling. Stay strong and like was posted, check on the drugs - in my case, my meds don't really affect me with my bad attitude, but sounds like MTX is not easy to take.. Pred was like that for me. Hang in there! You can have a life that doesn't revolve around Crohn's!! It just might not start today :) but I sincerely hope it will start very soon for you!
NDBC
10 years with crohn's / last 2 in a flare with crohn's / peripheral neuropathy / arthritis and r/v fistula. Yippie!

I sympathise, but do not really know what to say, as I'm an atheist (agnostic at best) and don't have your religious slant upon it. I have to say, it never fails to amaze me at the lack of empathy and charity that some religious folks display. Whatever happened to 'God is Love' and all that? Maybe you could seek out relevant quotes from Jesus (apologies here if you are not a Christian) and quote them mildly to your mother and sisters?

In general, though, it is very hard to change the mind of somebody determined to see you in a bad light, especially if they are family members. My grandmother used to have her favourites and one of the ones cast into the outer darkness - so to speak - spent a lifetime fruitlessly trying to seek her approval. She only stopped trying after my grandmother's death and after a heart-to-heart with my mother (similarly maternally unblessed, but never cared about it the way my aunt did).

That's a long-winded way of saying your mum and sisters may well never change; they may always be coldly unsympathetic. It's no reflection upon you; more a reflection of dysfunctional family dynamics. They would understand if they really wanted to, but for reasons of their own (which I doubt they would understand or even acknowledge existed) they don't want to. I bet, though, if any of them had Crohn's, they'd be the first to constantly complain about it and seek sympathy.

I know what you mean about healthy people going on about their cold as though the world had come to an end. I can't abide it anymore; I have to go out of the room or something. I can't even laugh it off; it's too irritating to me.

I'm in the middle of a depression right now. If I knew how to get out of it I'd be doing it. It's partly a matter of time - all things pass sooner or later; this is absolutely inevitable. But it's also partly a matter of circumstance, which cannot always be controlled. At the moment I'm not surprised you're depressed; most people would be in that situation. You sound like you need a break, which isn't forthcoming. You mention 'family commitments'; dunno what those are, but if your family can't even be nice to you can't you drop those commitments?

As a final aside, the meds might very well be making you feel even worse than you would normally - pred and MTX is a toxic combination, to be sure. I wouldn't say on the MTX forever if it isn't doing anything - it's not a benign drug.

Minnieoty I find when I am not feeling well that I am a little crankier than I would like. I can see myself doing it and sometimes I can stop it and other times it just comes out. I think it is just part of having a chronic health issues. I know I find myself being too sensitive sometimes too. So sending hugs your way, and I hope you get feeling better soon. Big hugs!