Mental Attitude

So I have been fighting my fistula's again.  It's the worse it has ever been and I now have an abcsess in my outer lady parts.  I have never felt such a horrific pain.  The doctor added a third seton a week ago that isn't working and yesterday he jabbed me with a large needle to draw a culture.

I am wondering what I have done in life to deserve this horrible condition.  Normally I am so proud of myself because I think I handle it pretty well but lately I am just in so much pain and so uncomfortable it feels like torture.  So, what have I done in life to deserve to feel like this and to have my life disrupted?  I haven't killed anyone, I never cheated on anyone or stole.  I will give you that I can be a major B!*@H when I am in a lot of pain and my poor husband generally gets the brunt of it but is that enough to deserve this level of pain?

Does anyone else ever feel like this?

I don't know exactly how you feel as I don't have fistulas, but your description sounds painful. I do understand the second part of your post tho. I was saying the same thing the last 2 weeks, but I am trying to spend time with people that I know are positive people and have been thinking good thoughts, and when I start feeling down I plan to just try and think of the good. I play music from when I was younger, because I know the words and it takes me back to a time when I was not dealing with this.

I even got myself a kitten, LOL, because pets are supposed to make you feel better, and they make you giggle.

The last 2 weeks for me were the lowest I have ever been, I am making the climb and is it day by day. I am sorry you are in so much pain. I hope things start turning around for you.

Donna

What wise words Tsitodawg.

I'm sorry, topic creator.

For differing reasons, in large part due to Crohn's (but not fistulas), I've been wondering the same sort of thing. Got no answers. I'm just tired of the degree of pain and suffering in this world. Doesn't matter how tired I am of it, 'cos it's not gonna change a single, solitary thing. How you get through the pain is dependent on a lot of factors, most of them beyond your control. Do the best you can and hope that it ends.

I hope that your pain ends at any rate, not that my hope will change anything. But I hope it does anyway.

Hi Melinds, I know what you mean - I went thru that feeling and still go thru it. You didn't do anything to deserve this, like everyone has written already.

For some reason, I don't obsess over having CD, but I do get so upset over fistula and also feel like it's some kind of judgement on me from above. It's hard to cope with for me. My GI doctor actually suggested counselling to get me over the emotional parts that I could not deal well with and made me cry in his office (pain, drainage, stool leakage, and other things to do with fistula). I couldn't pursue the counselling due to horrible insurance coverage that denied it, and financial issues paying for all my treatments but if you continue to feel this way, maybe you can do counselling. For me, somehow, the emotional pain was bad too - it felt like this fistula made me a really bad person (some kind of heavenly judgement). I know that's irrational, but that's how I felt. Talking about it might have helped, but it's not one of the aspects of CD you can talk about with your average friendly friend.

For the physical pain, I hope you can stay on your doctor till he gets a treatment that works. I haven't had setons, so can't speak about that. I've tried the general drugs, then humira, remicade and now tacrolimus. I hope you get healed soon and the pain stops. I'm feeling better on tacrolimus and fistula has shrunk but still not healed and pops open now and then, which really upsets me. Best wishes to you,
NDBC
10 years with Crohn's, now on Tacrolimus, 6MP, Gabapentin, oxycodone, and introducing: lorazapam!