How to broach the subject of being intimate with a Crohn's s/o?

Hi all,

My girlfriend and I have not been intimate in over a month now...the last time happened to be on our fourth date. We had been intimate a previous time. Since then, she began to get sick, which in turn triggered her Crohn's to flare up the following week, which led her to become hospitalized for 5 days the week of Christmas. She was on Prednisone, with some noted swelling and weight gain, even had to take postassium because she was swelling so much. She also had her Remicade treatment. As of a couple of days ago, she has begun to look a lot better, and I hope, feeling better. Having said that, I want to become more intimate again. I realized when she was sick, she needed support, and I put my desires on hold. While I don't know how she is currently feeling( being I am trying to get to know her moreso than her disease, yet be open to anything she wants to talk about in regards to), I'm wanting to somehow broach the subject of being intimate again with her but in a non-offensive way, if that is possible. If she is truly having any problems that makes it less enjoyable or desirable right now, I will continue to be understanding. It's not the most important thing by any means, but the lack thereof does sometimes lead me to wonder how she feels about our relationship. If any of you can give me some insight to this, I'd greatly appreciate it. I certainly don't want to say the wrong thing and jeopardize our relationship. Also, is it possible that she could very well feel unattractive and unappealing that she doesn't like her body or the way she looks right now? She is a very beautiful woman and while I remind her of it at times, I know she has to feel that way about herself as well.

When this disease flares up it can make you feel rough and as a woman being intimatr is usually the last thing on my mind. My husband is very understanding and is amazing and always gives me cuddles and hugs and tells me every day that he loves me and still finds me sexy. Even so after numerous surgeries and having an ileostomy I don't really like my body, I know other men stare at my long legs especially when I wear thigh length boots and always joke with my husband that he must have a whale of a time in the bedroom with boots like that and legs that long but bless him he just laughs and says he is very lucky indeed even though if they knew the truth there will be weeks when I am too knackered to think about anything other than sleep.

I would suggest listening to your girlfriend when she wants to talk, find out as much as you can about how the disease affects her, ask her what it is like and how she feels, explain that you want to understand so as best support her and help her back to health. Try hugs, cuddles and just having body contact, gentle massage (not neccessarily unclothed) or rubbing her back gently or foot massage/shoulder massage. You could always say when you are having a cuddle/hug that you want her to be back to health and vitality and whilst you would love to be intimate with her as you find her totally georgeous you understand that now is not be the right time and you will be guided by her and how she feels and will happily wait until she feels ready as she will always be beautiful/sexy/stunning in your eyes no matter how ill she is feeling. You may find that you can recommence the intimate side of your relationship in stages and as she begins to feel better so the intimacy can increase.

I admire you for wanting to find out info even though you have only been on four dates, that in itself speaks volumes to the sort of caring individual you are. Good luck in your relationship and hope your girlfriend is back to her old self soon.

This is a tough one in a new relationship. My fiance and I have been together now for 8 years so it is pretty easy now. In fact this fall I have been pretty sick so not much has been going on since the summer months and in December he said, Do you think we could have sex 1 more time in 2011? It made me laugh because I know how hard it can be on him, but man when you are sick it is the last thing you want to do for several reasons.

I agree with previous advice. I think being intimate with her in other ways will help gauge how she is feeling about things. I know sometimes when I am on the mend cuddling, back rubs or just laying in bed with me sometimes reminds me how much I miss him. When I am getting better sometimes I need a nudge to remember he thinks I am hot even when I am not and that I miss sex too!

I was really sick after we had been dating only about 8 weeks. I ended up in the hospital and was pretty weak for awhile. I remember he broached the subject once while we were snuggling. I think he said something like, I miss being with you but don't want to initiate anything if you aren't ready. It kind of made it easier to talk about being in an intimate moment already and it didn't bother me to talk about it, it gave me a chance to let him know how I was feeling.

I hope she is feeling better and kudos to you for being a concerned and patient significant other. Having a patient and caring partner makes things a lot better!

yes, intimacy and crohn's can be an awful combination...I got sick when I was 24 with crohn's after having my first baby (baby was just over 1 yr old when I got sick) and back then being young, a new mom and wife (to my HS boyfriend) adding CD to the mixture was awful...it was bad enough dealing with the changes my body went through from pregnancy, having a baby for the first time and dealing with all that and then adding CD on top of it was really hard. Being young, my hubby had a hard time accepting my disease, he didn't know how he was going to "deal" with it, it sounds selfish on his part but really, CD doesn't just affect the patient, it affects the loved ones as well...so I didn't fault him for feeling that way, but here we still are, together since I was 15 yrs old (30 yrs) and married 23 yrs this June and I've never been in full remission the entire (going on 21 yrs this spring) so it's been a long road but we're still together with 2 kids in total and have managed through the intimacy pretty good considering the circumstances.

It takes 2 to make a relationship work and that's all aspects/levels of the relationship. My hubby always tells me I'm beautiful (actually he uses the word hot) and he wouldn't say it if he didn't feel that way, so even with my disgusting perianal crohn's skin tags and being in my 40's and gravity starting to work against me, if he still see's me as being hot, then I consider myself pretty lucky...plus I don't let him see the eye doctor anymore so I'm sure he needs a new RX for his glasses/contacts but I'm afraid if he gets his eye RX up to date he'll see how mean gravity is being to me in my 40's LOL!

Seriously though, I think besides the obvious of exercising regularly being healthy for me, I also do it to try and stay in really good shape for my age, afterall, those hideous perianal crohn's skin tags, along with the boobies starting to sag (thanks to breastfeeing a couple of babies) make me feel quite self conscience about myself which is natural I think but there's a fine line between some people really beating themselves up emotionally because they have gone through some physicall changes and that can be scary.

So just continue to support your GF and the better she starts to feel with her CD, the better everything else will likely get as well.

P.S. the secret to a long lasting relationship is communication and accepting your significant other for their flaws because we ALL have flaws and constantly supporting eachother emotionally and forgivness when someone screws up because no one is perfect and you could always do worse but it's a lot harder to do better.

Cudos southpaw! Wish there were more men like you!

Well, she's kept me at a distance since last Friday in terms of contact and even coming by to see her. I honestly felt like I was being blown off, but I'm trying my hardest to not think like that and be understanding. I did talk to her sister and she mentioned something about shes avoiding the hospital due to school. Her sister had told me she's not sure I realize how sick she gets when she gets sick and told me we should talk more about it. Her sister also said she will wake up in pain, hurting to just move I guess low potassium? And starving because she's not able to eat accordingly. My gf did mention a week ago she had to take a lot of potassium because she was swelling so much...had been on prednisone and I think began the Remicade(another round this Friday). If you can't see someone due to them being sick(which doesnt make sense because I've seen her when she was sick in the hospital), how do you have an exclusive dating relationship with someone? I'm not the I need to see you 5 days a week type, but 2 days would be perfect right now. Do I end this? Back off on the relationship part of it and just be friends? I'm just darned confused...I dont want to hurt her feelings.

Southpawcannon,

I don't think you should take this as a cue to end it. She probably feels as though she doesn't want to drag you through this, especially since you all are such a new couple. It is hard to feel good about your body when you are on all the this medication as well as the disease itself. She may also feel guilty for NOT wanting to be intimate (or more likely, WANTING to, but unable to), which may make it harder to see you too. I really just think honesty is the best policy. If you really like this girl, and you seem to, stick around. As you've seen I'm sure, it's hard to find good, caring people with whom you have a connection. If you're honest with her and just say flat out that you don't need to be intimate with her until she is feeling up to it, you just want to be around her to hang out and don't expect her to turn cartwheels or anything, I would think she'd like that. Maybe suggest a quiet night of just snuggling on the couch watching movies and eating, well, anything she can?? You'd get some serious points if you brought her a favorite food or drink because we Crohnies have a love/hate relationship with food. Seriously, if someone brought me a chocolate milkshake when I'm not feeling well, I would love them forever! :) Check with her first though, because her list of tolerated foods may be a really short one right now. Don't give up! If you think she's worth it, wait a little. Skype her, FaceTime, anything and see how that goes. Maybe she'll relax a little when she sees that you want to give this a try and make it work? Good luck to you!