Posted 8/17/2012 12:00 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you, folks. Sincerely.
I was depressed all day. I still am, but at least the power of thought has returned to me - well, slightly. I feel haunted by guilt, shame and rage. The guilt part relates to the 'oh no I've ****ed it up yet again' syndrome. Once again, due to my inability to handle people, I screwed up a friendship. (And yeah, I feel like it's too late to go back.) At my most depressed, I feel toxic, a driver away of anyone who ever gets close to me.
The Crohn's is also a permanent source of emo angst. I'm so stressed out, I had a dream last night about telling the surgeon I wanted surgery. It was set in a completely inappropriate location, as dreams are wont to be. The dream either ended or I woke up before I had the surgery, but I remember worrying about whether or not I should tell my consultant beforehand.
Yeah. Even my dreams are square.
That particular one certainly hit home, however. Surgery is a major dilemma for me. My entire colon and terminal ileum is affected, so a resection is not on the cards: I would have to have my colon removed, which would mean having a permanent ileostomy. I have so many fears about this, it's untrue, and yet even with all those fears surgery is still currently looking more appealing than trying med after med which continues to do little. I admit to being so jaded from years of past experience that I don't think there is any treatment short of surgery which will do anything significant. And yet I'm not sure I am 'ill' enough for drastic surgery... it's another, weird, way of going on a guilt trip...
Anyway...
@CrohnieToo - I will actually look into cross-stitching. I think it was the magic words "requiring no brain power" which did it :p ... But seriously, something that's soothing and yet doesn't require a lot of concentration sounds good. I can consider more worthwhile activities in the future, but right now I'm just trying to get through the days.
@Djin - I've not had any surgeries yet. I can imagine by the third one or so, you are almost used to it.
@WingZero - Thank you. I fear I am not exactly the best friend material there ever was, to put it mildly, but the offer is reversed...
@MelJoyMo25 - Thing is, I've been through most of the antidepressants already :-/ With the SSRIs, it was a physical tolerance issue: even one pill would make me really ill. Tolerated the tricyclics better, but had a couple of unfortunate psychiatric episodes, and swore off ADs altogether. But my GP always wanted me to be on something and so a year ago he gave a prescription of Venlafaxine (generic Effexor) to a highly suspicious me. But I have been on it for all that time, which is the longest time I've been on a single AD. I think it did help for a while, but the effect seems to have well and truly worn off by now...
Anyhow, thank you.