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debate with my wife Crohn's versus Physical Fitness

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Posted 9/17/2012 11:35 PM (GMT 0)
Hi All,

I'm going to attempt to make a very long story short here. My wife was diagnosed with Crohn's disease about 10 years ago. Since that time, she has had two children, worked full time for the first 7 1/2 years of that, and now works part time and raises the children while I spend a good amount of time at work.

Before I get into my core question and debate, I want to say that I, like a lot of spouses, have not been the most understanding when it comes to this disease, as signs of weakness etc are very invisible. It's taken me some time to even realize how harsh this disease can be and while I am constantly reminding myself to be as supportive as I can, I often fall short.

Here is the reason I am reaching out to you for some guidance. about 3+ years ago, at 37 years old, I was grossly overweight. I had never "really" tried to lose weight and always promised myself that "someday". I was just going to wake up and make it happen. Fortunately for me, in Aug of 2009, that's exactly what happened. I went on an aggressive VLC diet, lost 150 lbs in 10 months (with the help and guidance of my wife's Crohn's doctor) and 3 years later, I've only gained back a small portion of the weight. I excersize 7 days a week, I count my calories, and am very obsessive about keeping my self in check. I am very active now and plan to live a very long time. I can say that it was, without question, the greatest thing I've ever done or ever will do with my life.

Which brings me to why I am here. Like a lot of women in the world, my wife has now had two children, she tends to the house as best as she can, and she works a part time job. She complains almost every day about how she feels. She is mostly just very tired and worn out and her joints ache, and it's very sad for me. We have grown apart because physically we are literally going in two different directions. After being an absolute stunner when we first started dating, she is now about 40-45lbs overweight. She smokes a half a pack of cigarettes a day (this is recent, up from maybe 2 or 3 a day for years), she keeps an eye on eating things that get her sick, but I cannot say she eats well. With the children, she is often eating Friendly's or other types of "just above Burger King" level fast food.

She has never in her life attempted a real diet, and she has not done any real physical excersize since high school. Our constant debate revolves around me telling her, insisting really, that if she took the bull by the horns and went on a health kick, did some aerobics, tried to maintain her calories, tried to lose some weight, she would feel better. I tell her that if she feels like crap all the time, it's time to stop complaining and just TRY and do something about it, for her health and happiness and the happiness of those around her.

She INSISTS that getting in better physical shape and losing some excess weight will do nothing to help her deal with Crohn's. She really has no plan on how to deal with this, and her just accepting that this is how it's going to be forever just really bothers me. She clouds the issue by telling me that I think this approach can CURE the disease, which I know it can't. But, I am of the very strong opinion that losing some weight and getting in shape will help her DEAL with it in more ways than she can imagine.

And I am here today to ask your opinion. Am I right?
Thanks
Posted 9/18/2012 12:19 AM (GMT 0)
No, you are not right.

Sorry, I just have to ask one question - how many times in your many years of being grossly overweight did your wife tell you to lose 150 lb?

I'm thinking that the answer is zero, or close to zero. Anyway, it should be zero. You cannot expect her to respond in any way other than defensively when you preach your newfound religion to her. Take a deep breath! Your best hope is to build from her strengths. Keep up your healthy lifestyle and compliment your wife on how beautiful she is to you, how wonderful your children are. You know the best way to get your wife's attention and make her feel loved? Clean the house for her. When she feels loved and cherished she might be able to open her mind to a more healthful lifestyle. When she is not feeling so exhausted by the housework and child-raising, she might be able to focus more of her energy on taking care of herself and feeling better.

Everyone in the world feels better when they eat well and exercise. People with Crohn's are no different, although we are more challenged on both scores because food sometimes makes us hurt and we are often tired and achy, making exercise really hard. Help your wife by taking some of the load off of her. Here's another idea - why don't you prepare some of the meals with the healthy ingredients you have come to love and your whole family can enjoy those meals together!
Posted 9/18/2012 12:31 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you. Great response. It's not as black and white as that, but point taken.
And for the record, she NEVER said anything about my weight, but A) I never complained about how I felt and B) I WISH SHE WOULD HAVE. I look at pics of myself and my eyes tear up. Ungodly regret from putting myself in that position in the first place, and I really wish someone would have said something. Not just my wife, but anybody.
Posted 9/18/2012 12:31 AM (GMT 0)
Rule number one in marriage, your wife all always right. :p

On the serious side I feel your situation and more so can sympathize with your wife. The fatigue and joint pain are no joke. What meds is she she taking? Getting the joint pain under control can make you feel worlds better. Excercise may not help that aspect, in fact can often make it worse. For me it made me feel better while I was walking or jogging, but after I would feel worse. If she says excecising makes her feel worse, then you have to understand and love her anyway.

She definitely shouldn't be smoking, I honestly forget what it does, but I remember that being a big no no for us Crohnies. And again, I can sympathize with her feeling the need to continue, and telling her to stop will most likely end in a fight. But out of all you posted I think that's probably the number one issue I see which is not going to be good for her in the long run, having Crohn's especially.

The only other problem I see is a diet. We usually can't tolerate most of the 'healthy' foods like raw fruits and veggies, whole grains, etc. Some of us can, some can't. Maybe encourage her to keep a food journal of things she eats and how she feels after and maybe see if she can locate something that makes her feel worse, although she probably knows already by now, and either doesn't care or like me 'its worth it.'

I will pray for your situation brother. Remember to always show her love, buy her flowers, and appreciate her no matter what.
Posted 9/18/2012 12:40 AM (GMT 0)
Hi bongo and welcome to the forums.

First off smoking is a no no when it comes to having Crohn's disease, any GI will question someone who has been diagnosed with Crohn's if they smoke. If the answer is yes, they will urge you to quit. You can Google that question and will always find the same results when it comes to Crohn's and smoking. It goes without saying smoking is bad in itself, minus Crohn's.

Fast foods I haven't eaten in years, just makes me sick and instantly have to go to the bathroom. Not Crohn's sick, just sick, I feel like vomiting.

While your wife sounds very active from what you've said, has your wife had recent blood work to check for deficiencies? For example, I have to receive bi-weekly B12 shots, that's a deficiency I suffer and it's common with us that have Crohn's to have a deficiency of some type. Numerous causes such as malabsorption in the small intestine, low nutrient intake, nutrient loss due to chronic diarrhea and so on. What medications is she currently taking for Crohn's?

I definitely understand your perspective on working out, dieting as I am the same way and have been so for over 20 years. The actual working out for me is for numerous reasons, I derive my energy from it, it helps to keep me physically, mentally and emotionally strong and a great sense of well being. I also do lots of stretching prior to working out to warm up and lots of core exercises due to back problems.

What your wife is saying about Crohn's and being more physically fit than she currently is, may be true for her. As we all know, there is no cure for us but a lot of us have different approaches to how we deal with having Crohn's. Some of us eat differently, some of us take different meds, we have different tolerances to foods and medications. She may feel better over all if she loses some weight and exercises, she may not. Hard to say unless she tries it out. Personally and in my opinion, exercising if possible, is of great benefit. Crohn's or not.

Maybe try an approach of making a bet with her, something along the lines of, "try it for a month and no matter the outcome, I'll take you shopping!" (something she really enjoys) smilewinkgrin

Hopefully she'll find out that she enjoys it, gets into that habit and feels a lot better and sheds the excess weight.
I wish you and your family the best of luck, happiness and health!
Posted 9/18/2012 2:18 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Bongo,

from a different perspective, I think you are right for feeling the way you do. I'm 22, I'm not overweight, I have my own issues, but I don't sympathize with those who complain every day of their lives about things and do not do things about them.

Crohn's is a completely different story, but you have made it clear that you don't think she can cure herself of disease by getting in shape, but that you have "the very strong opinion that losing some weight and getting in shape will help her DEAL with it in more ways than she can imagine." And that's totally understandable.

However, Crohns is so complex; energy and stamina arise from the gut, which is weak in our case, but the fight for this condition is always there, and she can -within time- wake up and change things for herself. Meanwhile, you can keep pushing her, not blame her or make her feel bad about her situation, but encourage and invite, and open the doors for her, "Hey, going for a walk around the block, you wanna go?"

Starting with small steps, and yes what Kazbern said, about cooking some healthy dinners. Sauté every veggie you can find and slather with butter and salt, she'll love it! Then go less after time. :) Instead of elevators, take the stairs, you know?

Welcome to the forums Bongo, what I already like is that you have come here on your own, because you are interested in helping your wife! And that says a lot to me. :)
Posted 9/18/2012 2:55 AM (GMT 0)
Re; exercising and eating well...it makes a big difference (crohn's or no health issues) in anyone's life...it can be harder for many CDers due to not having the energy but the truth of the matter is, it actually increases energy and aids with proper bowel function not to mention every other health benefit it provides (mentally/emotionally as well as physically)...you should both find time to exercise...maybe even together, to hopefully help your relationship.

Far as smoking goes, yes, it's not healthy (CD or not) and stats show that it can be worse for CDers to smoke as it tends to have a negative effect on the small intestines (where most people with CD are affected) but it is NOT written in stone...my CD affects my colon and it's a known fact that the carbon monoxide via smoking actually aids with inflammation specifically targeting the colon...I quit smoking and my CD became even worse, I started again and it got better....no 2 IBDers are the same.


One more thing re; exercising...if you both happen to start doing it together, it's a well known fact that it's easier for men to lose weight compared to women, so just make sure you support her thoroughly and make her aware of this fact (it's just one of the many things that make men and women different from one another...men burn calories quicker and easier than women, women tend to naturall put most weight on their hips due to hormones when the body has reached "baby making" phase).

Good luck to you both.
Posted 9/18/2012 3:15 AM (GMT 0)
And I wanted to add one more comment....as the wise man said....

You can be right, or you can be married.

:-)
Posted 9/18/2012 4:05 AM (GMT 0)
cheers to that Kazbern!
Posted 9/18/2012 4:29 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Bongo, welcome to Healing Well!

I think I can offer a bit of a perspective on this. So you know where I'm coming from, I'm a 26 year old female with moderate to severe CD. I was married this last December (so 9 months ago today....whoops, happy 9 month anniversary to my husband...we both forgot, looks like). I was diagnosed two years ago this month, and I was not dating my current husband at the time. We didn't live together before our marriage and I spent most of 2011 (so our entire engagement) in complete remission.

Two months after we were married I got c. diff., which is a stomach bacteria. It caused a flare, which led to an abscess and eventually a fistula. My meds (Imuran and Mesalamine) caused acute pancreatitis, which led to needing Remicade infusions to replace the meds. My pancreas couldn't calm down and in the middle of us moving to another state so he could finish his senior year of mechanical engineering along with graduate classes, I was given a feeding tube for almost a month and was only able to get about 700 calories/day from it, leaving me pretty weak. From February to August of this year I was hospitalized 11 times.

With the flares, I've been on and off prednisone. Between that and the feeding tube, my weight has jumped around about 20 pounds back and forth. Since I'm only five feet tall, that's a big difference in looks! It also makes a huge difference in energy, and with the extreme pain that I've had with the CD, c. diff., and pancreatitis, it's been an adventurous year to say the least.

Anyway, while I can completely sympathize with your wife, I do also understand your perspective. I agree with you - she would feel better if she were to work on getting exercise. I know that for me, the times I feel good enough to go running is amazing. I hate it for the first few weeks, but then I can't go a day without it. Before I got sick, I used to run 6 miles a day. BUT I also know how difficult it can be. Right now, with just getting rid of the feeding tube a few weeks ago and barely able to eat, I couldn't even walk from my bedroom to the kitchen without having to sit down for 15 minutes to get my strength back again. I'd sleep on the bathroom floor sometimes because between the vomiting, diarrhea, and pain, I couldn't even get from bed to the bathroom fast enough.

I also know that I felt very hurt the past couple of months in regards to comments my husband would make. I spent a lot of 2011 on prednisone and put on quite a bit of weight (about 20 pounds, again, huge difference with how short I am) in addition to the moon face. I finally weaned off of it and felt good to run, and lost a lot for my wedding. But then going back on prednisone made me put it back on, and then the feeding tube made me lose more than I ever had since high school before puberty. My husband would tell me how fantastic I looked, which was nice but at the same time really, really hurt. I was afraid that he wouldn't be attracted to me anymore when I was able to start eating again. I knew I'd be back on prednisone (which I have been for three weeks now) and that my metabolism was so shot from eating so little that as soon as I could eat again, it would make me shoot up. And I was right - in the two weeks I've been eating, plus prednisone, I've put on about 10 pounds. I feel really insecure about it.

Luckily, though, my husband has been fantastic. It took a lot of courage to finally tell him how I felt each time he made comments about how good I looked, and he was horrified that I had been feeling that way. I need a lot of reassurance that he still loves me and still finds me attractive.

Anyway, I'm really sorry, I'm not trying to make this all about me at all. I don't know your wife, but I wonder if she's feeling some of these feelings. Also, even though I've started feeling better, I still get super worn out just trying to go to Walmart for 20 minutes to run an errand. The idea of trying to exercise like I used to makes me feel exhausted and hurt just thinking about it.

I am not saying this to say you're wrong in your ideas! But rather, I wonder if your approach is making it hard. I would reassure her that you love her, no matter what. I know you wish someone would have told you about it when you were heavy, but girls are different than boys! tongue She needs reassurance. And very small, slow suggestions. Celebrate little accomplishments. My husband gets excited for me when I tell him that I was able to stand up long enough to wash dishes. It's such a simple thing, but to me it was a big deal that I could do that. Tomorrow I plan to try to walk around the block. So dumb, but it's all I can do, you know? If she's exhausted, and she really probably is, ask her what she thinks she can do....and then celebrate it with her. Go on a walk with her, or make a deal that you will do a chore that she needs while she goes on the walk herself (wash dishes, vacuum, help kids with homework, etc.). And maybe just every other day to start? Then build up from there. And cheer her on. I liked @kazbern's idea of cooking healthier meals for her. Maybe on Sundays make a week's worth of food so lunches aren't too hard with the kids?

And @datawraith's suggestion of getting blood levels checked is an excellent idea. My vitamin D levels get low, as do my iron levels. That makes it hard to have energy and feel positive. Even just a general supplement like One-A-Day might help.

Ok, I'm done rambling now, I'm sorry I just went on and on. blush This just kind of hit home for me and I wanted to help. For what it's worth, I think it's wonderful that you came here to ask for help and that you care about her that much. Please just make sure you tell her that and show it. I know every day I feel like failure as a person, like I'm dragging my husband down and ruining his life, and I'm terrified that he'll resent me for it. I need his reassurances more than ever, and I think your wife might too. But please let us know how things good! My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family.
Posted 9/18/2012 7:45 AM (GMT 0)
Hey, so what some of the other posters said about smoking may well be a great idea for starters. Keep in mind that when most people quit smoking, they put on some weight. My husband quit about three years ago. When I got diagnosed with CD and people told us that even second hand smoke can make it worse or bring it on, he got it into his head that his smoking caused me to get sick. That's not at all the case because I was almost NEVER around him when he smoked (hate the smell). But as one of the OTHER posters said, CD is different for every person.

That being said, all any of us can do is give you our opinion on what has worked for us, and what hasn't. During the course of my disease (only been diagnosed for 9 months now), I have lost a total of 50 pounds, due to being put on NPO (nothing by mouth) every hospitalization, and being put on a liquid diet most of the rest of the time. Liquid diet to me means Gatorade and Ensure. My energy levels haven't gone up at all since losing the weight. I try to exercise, but all I seem to be able to muster is walking around our local grocery store and leaning on the cart the whole 30 minutes we are there. I am starting school tomorrow, and I am super worried. I had been going to school full time and working part time when this started back in December/January. Since then I have lost my job (I couldn't go in and then they got rid of my entire department company wide) and I had to stop going to school for a while. I wanted to go right back to work and school, but I had to focus on getting better, and I had the opportunity to take that time. My husband and I live with his dad right now (my husband is a full time student working on a Bachelor's degree), and not being able to work and support us is driving me nuts.

Like most of the people that have responded I am rambling. My whole point is, the disease is different for everyone and you just need to be loving and supportive. My husband constantly asks me if I'm doing too much, and if he can help me. I am in constant pain, but I love to cook. So, I cook or bake something, and he does the dishes afterward. We decided to wait on having kids, and I am glad because right now I wouldn't be able to help him take care of a child. If we'd gotten pregnant right after getting married, the child would only be a little over a year and I wouldn't be able to care for it at all. I can't even get out of bed some days. about half of the week I can't even take a shower because me energy is just so low. The point of this rant is that she needs your help to do the other things that she does during the day if you want her to exercise. And like a few posters said, you doing some of the cooking of you want her to eat healthy like you is a great idea, but you need to keep her individual nutrition needs and restrictions on mind when doing so. I had EVERYONE saying that I needed fresh fruits and vegetables when they found out I had CD, but that was precisely what I had started eating a lot of just before getting sick. So, for me, fresh fruits and veggies are out. I need to make up for those lots nutrients, so I take vitamins. I take a multi, Vit D, Vit C, Iron (trying to figure that one out, actually), magnesium, and potassium. One way that I make up for the mag and pot, is by drinking an Ensure every day. The Iron has been touchy, because I am not digesting the pills, but the elixir (under the tongue liquid form) was making me throw up ten to fifteen minutes after taking it.

Okay I've gone on long enough. Sorry that it's ranty and rambly, but I type whatever comes out. As you may have been able to tell, someone telling a Crohny what will "make them feel better", even if they know it won't "cure" us, makes us very.....touchy and ranty. tongue

Good luck to you and your wife. I hope you keep us updated on how things are going for you and her. The best wishes to your whole family. This disease has ripped apart a lot of marriages, from what the people on this forum have said, I hope that you and your family can survive it. Good luck!
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