GF has Crohn's.. Advice needed

Hey everyone

I'm new here and stumbled across this forum when doing some research
My girlfriend has Crohn's. I believe for about 7 years now.

She was open to tell me she has it but will not tell me much more.
She said she hates to talk about it. She knows she can talk to me but her words were - I think it changes things. I don't think you should know about it in any sort of detail. It's horrible. And unattractive

I've told her it's not unattractive and reassured her that it doesn't change the way I feel for her. I understand why she think's it's embarrassing and horrible. I agree with her.
I just want to help her as much as I can, just feels like I'm being kept away at a long arms length.

She has said talking about it makes her feel sick and very exposed. Her family and friends were not there for her when she was in hospital and surgery so I'm thinking that having someone there who is willing to help is too new and weird for her? And just needs time to adapt?

I think she wants me to be her boyfriend through the good periods but doesn't want me to see her bad periods. Whereas I want to be with her and in her life through the good and the bad.
I like to look after her and clean, cook, wash up, cuddle, give her space when needed etc


I'm not going to lie. Until 2 months ago my knowledge of Crohn's could fit on a beer mat with space left. Research has helped me learn but I don't think it's helping enough

I've rambled enough for my first post

Thanks :)

Hi Newday,

Welcome to HW! It brightens my heart to see such a caring BF looking for information about Crohn's. Many significant others are not nearly as caring.

I completely agree with Raine about being there is providing support. If you haven't been together too long, she may open up more with time. But for some people, this disease is seen as very embarrassing (I mean, I call it "the poop disease" and it involves unpleasant things happening in parts of the body that most people don't bring up on a regular basis). The disease can also be very isolating, as many people develop fears of going out to eat, to bars, or anywhere because they are afraid of getting sick and not being near a bathroom. I have certainly had to deal with that.

For now, I would just let her know that you are there for her whether she wants to talk or not and leave the ball in her court to decide when to talk. If it becomes a source of stress in the relationship, then you need to have a conversation with her. But if you consider this to be a long-term relationship, it's important to stress you're in it no matter what's going on with her health-wise. I have a wonderful husband who has known about my Crohn's from the get-go and is very supportive, but even I sometimes fear he'll leave me in the end because I'm sick. It's a pretty irrational fear in this case, but the person I dated before my husband broke up with me six months after I was diagnosed because he couldn't handle me being sick (this was after five years together). So reassuring her that you're not going to leave and educating yourself about the illness are great things to do now.

And please do not hesitate to use this site as a resource. It is full of wonderful, smart people who want to help.

Hi and welcome.  I married a guy who was very understanding and patient while we were dating.  I guess my best advice is to go at her pace and maybe ask questions gently on occassion.  That is what my husband did for me. 

I did not talk much about Crohns before I met him.  He asked questions when he could tell I was in a good frame of mind and left me alone when I pushed back.  His questions were not about the gory details, but more like "does it hurt all of the time or most of the time" or "how do you know what to do when you feel lousy".  I credit him for making me able to talk about my disease which has in turn made it a lot easier to deal with.  He was not overly concerned or helpful acting which I am sure would have pushed me away (I had a guy who tried to wait on me and "solve" everything or make everything better and I could not stand it).

Now I am on this website and I go to a CCFA support group (where I have made some good friends!).  13 years later, he still does not really understand everything, but he also knows he doesn't always get it and that helps.

Maybe you could show her this site or print out your post here.  Just let her work on her pace.

Good luck and thanks for being a caring person!

Just make sure she knows you are there for her, but don't push her.

Hey, I think it's really nice that you are committed to being there for her through the good and the bad. I have experienced both sides, I dated a guy for 6 years who wanted nothing to do with me when I had a crohn's flare and was on all kinds of medications, and I am now married to a DIFFERENT guy who has been there for me through the hardest time of my life, my recent surgery and other health complications. I can say I understand why she doesn't want to talk about it, it probably brings nothing but bad feelings for her to remember that she's 'sick' or has this illness. But the fact that you're there for her, even through actions will mean a lot. My husband took amazing care of me and I will never forget it. She will see you being there for her and I'm sure will become more comfortable and open about it.

I have also had crohn's for 7 years and I'm 29.