And the carpet gets pulled out from under me

So some of you guys know I moved 6 months ago with my family, for my husband's job transfer. I had hopes of getting better care here blah blah. Well a few weeks ago my husband admitted to cheating on me with his employee. Yup, a person under him. Classy eh? This sent me into a tail spin. He's blaming me for everything of course. My son (18 yrs) took me to the ER because I basically had a mental break down. Did some counseling for a few weeks. We went to one marriage counseling session on Friday where he blamed me for everything and the therapist went on his side. Basically I'm needy, insecure and worried about him cheating all the time. So it's my fault he did exactly that. Said my Crohn's makes me boring because I've been too sick to do things over the years. He's been staying in a hotel the last few weeks but can't afford to do that anymore. We own a home back where we came from still, so looks like my son and I are going back to that house by the end of this week.

My son lost his Amazon job (his first job he was so proud of) because he couldn't transfer in time up there. I have to find a job back there in a HURRY. Crohn's be darned! My Mom is up there and will help. I did take quite a bit of his money and had him sign a separation agreement. I plan to drag out a divorce until I can secure health insurance of my own. He still says he needs time and space and may move up there to be with us. How nice of him huh? He's upset because we are blaming him for the upheaval of our lives. Why didn't he just leave us there to begin with if he was so unhappy? 20 years being married, this is what I get.

I sure hope my Crohn's stays in whatever kind of remission it's in. I know I'm not eating much (zero appetite). Best diet in the world right there, heartbreak. Maybe it will be good to stand on my own two feet for a change, he's not someone I can obviously depend on.

Good lord, dump that therapist and go and see one on your own. This is just me, but I can't see this marriage being saved. It *may* be different if your husband had accepted full responsibility for his actions, but his cowardliness in blaming you is sticking in my craw almost more than the actual infidelity.

Other than that, not sure what else to say other than I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Do whatever it takes to ensure you get decent health insurance and sod your husband.

So was this employee he cheated with in the original town you lived in, or the place you moved to? I do think it makes sense for you to go back home, especially if you have a support system there. I 'm so sorry you are going through all of this, and I'm glad you shared your story so we can be here for you. I hope you find an individual therapist who can support you through all of this and you and your son can find work soon. Chronic illness is hard on marriages to be sure, but his cheating is all on him.....you have no blame in that and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Try to just put one foot in front of the other for awhile. You will get through this!

Jen,

I am sorry you are going through this.

Before you do anything else find out which state takes a more protective stance towards wives.....which state has settlement laws more favorable towards you.....and get a GREAT attorney. One with a mean right hook that will fight for you when you can't fight for yourself. Your divorce should be filed in the state that will afford you better protection. Make 3 copies of all checking/savings/investment/retirement information. (One for you, your attorney and a copy for someone else to hold for you) Do not act like it is over with your spouse until after you have done the above. Do not let him know what you are doing. After speaking to your attorney then make a decision. Do not use his attorney...., I believe his attorney will/should request you sign a disclaimer stating the person the attorney was first representing will still be his client and the attorney can still seek the best outcome for their client. Even if you do not sign anything the fact remains that the person that contacted and paid the attorney first is the primary client. Personally I would never use the same attorney. Please note I am not giving legal advice and am offering only my personal opinions.

Emotionally...seek out a counselor that can help you build up your self esteem and work through this difficult time. Talk to others... This situation will steal away and erode your self confidence if you let it. Please make sure your son gets help also. His world has shifted. He probably is having difficulties coming to term with this also. The counselor your spouse chose may hate women or marriage. (They too are impacted by their life journey and are biased. Even when you think you have it (biase) under control. ..you don't) Don't go back to that counselor . Personally I would write a letter regarding his statements to the licensing board. Jerk.

Cheating is called cheating because someone did not play by the rules. They cheated you and your family out of the time you all could have spent working on your relationships, they cheated you out of possibilities, they cheated you out of making the best decisions for you and your children by providing false information, not being honest and upfront so that you all could have had a better outcome. They are selfish....thinking only of their own needs. Now you have some of the information. It is a painful time. It is also a time where you can now be selfish and make the best decision for you and your child/ children--without worrying about the impact it will have on your spouse. Right now you are fighting for how you will live for the rest of your life (so its not a time to be Kind hearted...let your attorney guide you) and you are setting the example of how people should treat, be treated, and how to handle lifes curveballs, disappointment, and expectations. Your son will be watching and learning from you.

I too would research exactly where this occurred and where the other woman lives. I would also wonder why your spouse told you now. Always ask yourself what the other person has to gain or lose and why...

Finally, please make sure you take care of yourself. Keep up with your meds....try to avoid stress...and know that we are here to bounce ideas off of or just to vent.

Please check in so we know how you are doing.

Clo

Post Edited (clo2014) : 3/13/2017 12:16:58 PM (GMT-6)

I'm so sorry you are going through this! I agree with all of the wonderful advice everyone else has shared. My mother had a similar situation with my father years ago when she became very ill and we are unfortunately still dealing with the consequences of it so I know all too well your situation(don't know for sure if he cheated but basically emotionally abandoned and eventually walked out on us). Find a good support system, definitely do your best to take care of your health and get a supportive counselor for both you and your son. I hope you are able to get through the process as fast as possible. Sending lots of hugs!

WOW - you have gone through so much and in such a short time. Your title of the post with "And the carpet gets pulled out from under me" is very fitting. Crohn's makes you boring? What a convenient excuse to cheat. And your therapist siding with him? Definitely get a new therapist and focus on all the good things you have and will continue to have (like your son and mother). We cannot always control what comes our way but we do have control over how we react! Best to you and your son... and good riddance to your husband!

Sorry to know you are going through all this.