Life when dating someone with CF

Texas333

Welcome to Healing Well.

I have a perspective on this, but not exactly the same situation. My best friend who was more or less a sister to me since we had grown up together since we were knee high had CF. We lived across the street from each other. She and I talked about this a lot. She wasn't sure if she should ever get married because of her CF. We were told when we were 12 that she wouldn't make it to 15 because of how bad her CF was.
Well she made it through H/S and college and then married my cousin. They had dated for a few years before deciding to get married and had this discussion many times. She lived to be 39 and spent 16 great years with him, 11 of which they were married. I asked my cousin about all this the day of their wedding and he told me he would rather spend as many years as he possibly could with her knowing the outcome than to have never taken a chance and missed the years he would have with her.

You say that "I want to be with him but at the same time i don't want to lose someone I love so much." I think you may have answered you own question. I know that if my wife had CF I would have still married her. I love her that much.

Take care,
Bill

I am going through a very similar situation although I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years. I know exactly how you feel. Just know you're not alone.

I have recently split with a guy I had been dating for 5 years who has CF. I knew before we got together that he had CF, and I think it made it easier for him, but in the back of his mind he was of the view that he should probably never date because he had CF and it would be irresponsible. Of course I disagreed with this as I believe he is entitled to happiness as much as any other person, if not more given the hand he's been dealt to be honest, and no one ever knows what the future holds. So for years he managed to ignore this notion (for the most part) because we clicked so well and were having too much fun! Until I became firm with what I wanted in the relationship - to live together, which had been on the cards for some time.

This may sound like some sort of commitment issue or that maybe he didn't care about me as much as I did him but it's not. He is the kindest and most selfless person I have ever met, and because of this, all he wants is someone who can take care of me and who will make me happy. He says he couldn't live with himself by making the relationship any more serious but that he didn't regret our time together. Whilst he is currently in a relatively stable condition, he is 30 and feels that it's only downhill from here. He feels that this is the time that I should be planning my future, and that we have no future together because of his condition. He also feels guilty that because of CF, he can't be a "good boyfriend" to me by doing the things I love like being active outdoors and travelling because he doesn't have the energy or capacity anymore. His words, certainly not mine. These things are not an issue for me as there are workarounds, but though I try, I cannot absolve his guilt.

It has been at times a difficult journey for me, we have lost a few friends along the way with CF and he's seen how hard that's been for me. He knows that when/if things end badly that I would eventually be ok, but that it's no longer about me but more that he can't deal with the idea of putting me through that, so when the time comes, he wants me to have a partner who is going to be able to help me through it.

I have tried fighting him on this for 6 months now since he broke up with me, but he won't budge. I asked him to talk about it with someone from the hospital and their advice whilst highly amusing in its absurdity, was not helpful. Granted they said that they had never encountered this scenario before.

Does anyone have any advice? We are still close but I am at the end of my tether, and as a last resort I'm planning to move overseas because I can't deal with this anymore.

Congratulations Crystal! I'm not sure I can offer much support, but I'll give it a shot... I think being there for him, and encouraging him to keep up with his treatments and partake in regular exercise is so important to someone with CF. From my experience in dating someone with CF, sometimes he (understandably) wouldn't want to do his treatments. As much as I wished he didn't have to go through with it, I knew how important it was to his health, so I would remind him of the benefits in what was hopefully a non-preachy/naggy way and get him do it. I liked to think of myself as his special CF personal trainer... and I think I made a difference. I imagine it would take an extreme amount of discipline to stick to a regime like that and I completely take my hat off to you CFers and what you go through on a daily basis.

I also think that as rough as it is, there is no cure yet, so enjoy every moment and every day. As morbid as it is, I have such an appreciation for life now that I didn't have before being with someone with CF. I think it's wonderful that you've got married and can have a shot at normalcy. No doubt you'll be sad about what your husband has to go through and put up with, no one wants to watch the people they love suffer, but try not to let this take over your life. It's important to have an outlet for your emotions and your own support team you can talk to who can help, but just remember that sometimes he'll need you to be strong too.

IT depends too if you want children. Most CF males are sterile.. if that is not an issue... do everything you can to encourage him to do all of his therapy to prolong life..he shouldnt be around smokers or anything that would make it worse.