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Posted 12/25/2007 11:45 PM (GMT 0)
I just joined. My 31 year old son lives with us. He is profoundly depressed. He will not do meds... has in the past and doesn't like how they make him feel. He doesn't believe therapy can help him... tried in the past and feels it was pointless. He is lost and dying inside... actually wants to die but says also wants something to help him.

What do I do?

Kinessa
Posted 12/26/2007 12:49 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Kinessa,  Welcome to Healing Well we are so happy to have you join us here.

What is going on with your son to make him feel this way?  Is he sick or does he have an illness? 

I worked in the mental health field for a little over 12 yrs and can tell you that if he is not suicidal or a threat to others then there is nothing you can do to get him help other than keep encouraging him to seek it on his own.

Posted 12/26/2007 1:42 AM (GMT 0)
Hi there Kinessa,

I am sorry that you are struggling so during the holidays. Els is right, if your son isn't considered a danger to himself or others, there really isn't anything you can do to make him seek help.
Is there any way that you can persuade him to try getting help? There are so many different types of anti depressants. You may be able to explain to him, that just because one didn't work doesn't mean another wont. Also his past therapist may not have been the type of therapist he needed to talk to. There are many out there. I would try once more to convince him. If he wont seek help there really isn't anything that you can do. It is one of those situations that you have to let take its course. Try to relax and know that you did the best that you can.
Keep us posted, I am sure that you will succeed in finding support here.
hugs,
getting by
Posted 12/26/2007 2:53 AM (GMT 0)
The only thing to do is for him to retry therapy & get on some meds there are all different new ones out that might not make him feel so bad,he will not get better just waiting for something to happen.  Good Luck  Marta

Posted 12/26/2007 4:20 AM (GMT 0)
thanks for your thoughtful replies. I am open to more ideas. He is really quite strong in his resistance. Now if he could turn that strength into positive efforts for health. Time will tell. But, this is really wearing on me too. I have been quite depressed, guilty, hypervigilant. You all probably know how that can be too. I really try to be appropriate with him, but I know that sometimes my own feelings get in the way.

Again, thanks to all.... and all the best.

Kinessa
Posted 12/26/2007 4:30 AM (GMT 0)
I was asked whether he has a diagnosis or what....

He has been diagnosed in the past with Chronic Depression - dysthymia. He can't remember a time when he didn't feel different. Depressed since early adolescence - up and down, with about 5-6 major depressive episodes. He has done lots of reading and feels that meds are no more helpful than placebos, especially when you don't believe in them, like him.

He is still working, though barely holding on there by a thread. He still brushes and flosses his teeth, which oddly I see as a good sign that at some level he cares about himself.

He sits at his computer, chatting and drawing, when he is not at work.

He goes to sleep very late, and is sleeping less.

He is losing weight, eating less (though he was slightly overweight - not a judgment on my part, just a fact).

He is very isolated, has very few friends, and says he is very uncomfortable socially. Certainly is quite anxious when meeting new people, and tends to avoid these situations. And yet he feels desperately lonely, too.

Feels no sense of purpose, no real meaning in his life. No joy. He is also a perfectionist and feels if he can't do something perfectly, he is just no good.

Well, there's a load of stuff!! Christmas time is a horrible time to get into counseling. Though he doesn't want to try it again, I think he would "for me". So, I am going to try that and hope that he finds someone that he can trust. We shall see.

Again, thanks for the support.

Kinessa
Posted 12/26/2007 5:27 PM (GMT 0)
sounds like he is an artist too. Can you get him focusing on that? It is a good way to express yourself. I know that artists tend to be antisocial so that is probably a part of it.
Being that he is grooming himself is a good sign. That is one of the first things I tend to quit doing when heavy depression sets in. It is so sad because that is one thing that helps make me feel better and it is the last thing that I do.
Sounds like you will get him to go to counseling. yYou say he listens to you and he will most likely go.
I wish you all the luck with this. I can tellthat you really love your son.
hugs,
getting by
Posted 12/26/2007 7:12 PM (GMT 0)

Hi there,

If he is drawing, then there may be a good chance he is using it as a way of expression. Perhaps this is an angle to use to help him? I really think that if he is that bad, then he should at least consider trying meds &* therapy, but as many have said before me, there is nothing you can do to force him. Simply help him up when he falls down.

Darren

Posted 12/26/2007 7:53 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Kinessa

Has your son ever read the autobiography of Vincent van Gogh?  In it, vG describes depression as the time that birds molt.  It is painful and not pleasant to go through, but the bird emerges with a new set of feathers.  I hope your "bird" can emerge from this very private and painful experience a new person soon.  My own daughter has cerebral palsy and is clinically depressed.  She has been through terrible experiences that have left her literally battered and bruised from so-called care centers.  We brought her home and put her on a magnetic sleep system and purified water.  She was able to finally get some effective sleep to heal emotionally as well as physically.  She can speak again and sit up in a chair without support again.  She is even volunteering at a nursing home and working on developing a job.  Her old feathers sometimes show through, but for the most part, she is nearly herself again.  I pray your son can also know the relief and joy of being without the pain and darkness of depression.

Beannachtai,

Anne

Posted 12/26/2007 7:57 PM (GMT 0)
Earthmother,
That was a wonderful story about how you healed your daughter. So touching. I wish for you to be able to continue to see improvement in your daughter.
Hugs
getting by
Posted 12/26/2007 8:12 PM (GMT 0)
:-)  ty  I shared the story to share hope for others.  My family's pain needs to mean more for others' healing.  Be happy, be well.

Earthmother

Posted 12/26/2007 8:27 PM (GMT 0)

Earthmother,

I so agree that was a very touching story and your sharing it to help others is commendable. Bless you.

Kitt

Posted 4/16/2008 1:37 PM (GMT 0)

Hello "Scared Mother",

I sincerely hpoe that name is not true today.  How is your son?  Are you at peace?  It always amazes me how sensitive my daughter is to my moods.  She is like a living mirror.  Today I heard a young man singing so beautifully that it brought tears to my eyes.  She was watching intently and asked if I was thinking about my mother, who had died.  She thought I was sad, and was getting sad too.  I had to explain that the man's singhing was just so beautiful that I was struck with emotion.

Take care of yourself.  Asthe airline attendants say, put the air mask on yourself first.

Beannachtai raibh,

Earthmother

Posted 4/16/2008 11:50 PM (GMT 0)
I was a sick child you kept gettin sicker. I got married at 16, so they lost gaurdianship and by husband became my gaudrian. Sometimes he still is in a was since he is required to keep track of me hourly, not let me near knives (no kitchen), cannot use my shaving razor without him present, and so on. I got much worse in my 20's.For years I refuse therapy. Then I had to go by court order. I have done so much interpersonal, freudian, CBT, traditioanl behaviorism, EMDR, art and movement therapy, I saw a hypnotist, and various therepies for my complexpstd. I never did anyworse than when in therapy. I liked doctors better. There 3 that I was forced to see. The others I interviewed and worked with. One didn't drug me for 3 months saince I was so fragile. Instead he taught me about the brain, how a nomal depressive brain looks, bipolars look, and schizphrenics lok. Both in PET scans and post-mortem. Then he taught me about chemicals and drug classes. I tried first zoloft and within hours was pschotic, so I took a high dose of hldol and vlium and slept it off. He put me on a MAOI, but then he died. I was placed (after my fourth hospitalization, with a women, would only put me on antpsychotics, then thank god we moved 3 months later. I picked out my next doctor. He was more of a scientist. I had my daughter's birth under his care. He put on some heavt meds, but back on the MAOI. I moved again and he treated me from WI while I was in NC. Bostone was bad as far as therapy went. They did have good programs at harvard that helped me to learn how to think and use my brain to comunicate. I do therapy with my docs. I would never see a therapist again. Sometimes therapy isn't a good answer, never try to push somebody into it. It taught me that I am the only one strong enough to know the truth.quietpain

quietpain
Posted 4/17/2008 12:23 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Quietpain,

It sounds like you have been through a lot.  And it sounds like you are doing very well now. 

As I am understanding it, medications work better for you than therapy.  I am glad that they help you.

I hope that you are haveing a wonderful day.

Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen

Posted 4/17/2008 12:28 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Quietpain,

I am so sorry you endured such horrible experiences.  You are surely a testament to the human spirit to be surviving today.  You are correct that no one should be forced into therapy, but sometimes it is necessary to save a life.  My own children were behaving in very risky ways and had to be talked out of them.  Your case sounds very complex; the only way out is for you to put every bit of your will to the job.  You have a very strong spirit and have endured enough to know that there are people in this world who love you.  Thank you for sharing your story, Q.  You have been an inspiration to me tonight.

Earthmother 

Posted 4/17/2008 12:53 AM (GMT 0)
Earthmother,

You have such a calming effect with your writing. What you said was so elequently put. I can sense a special healing energy in your post. Thank you for that.

Karen
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