Hi confused,
I didn't respond to your earlier posts even though I read them, because I didn't want to sway your decision at all. But now I want to come forward and help give you the support you will most certainly need during this time. I was in a situation much like yours several years ago. I am 23 now, but was 20 when I found out I was pregnant. I was in a relationship at the time, but it was a terrible one in which the father of the child was verbally abusive. He insisted that I have an abortion and said that if I didn't he would not be a part of the child's life in any way, other than monetarily, and that he would hate me for the rest of his life. I felt like I couldn't tell my parents about
the pregnancy because they would be so disappointed in me and might disown me (my Father is a devout Catholic). In the end I know that it was my choice, but I didn't want to bring a baby into a world in which it wouldn't have every benefit it deserved. I was still in school and couldn't raise a baby myself unless I dropped out. I just didn't think it would be fair to the child. I also knew I would not be able to carry the baby to term and give it up for adoption. I took the same route you did and took the pill. I have to say that at the time the horrible physical feeling allowed be to block out the emotional consequences. Since you took the pill this morning you are probably past the worst of it now. I couldn't believe the pain! It was awful. Pamper yourself the next few days because you will be VERY crampy and bleed quite a bit. Make sure you stay hydrated and nourished because otherwise you will become weak.
I just want to say, I know what you are going through and I sympathize. This will be a very tough time, there's no way around it. I also thought about
when my baby would have been born (May 15, 2005) and will think "My baby would be 2 years old right now." You will have thoughts like that, probably always will. I think about
her (I always refer to my baby as her -- don't know why) in some way every single day. Don't ever let anyone, especially your parents, tell you that "It was your choice, get over it." You grieve for as long as you need to. Grieving proves that you are not just a heartless, thoughtless, careless person who does not value life. It is perfectly normal to feel sad, guilty, angry and every other emotion right now, so don't beat yourself up over it. In time, the emotions will be less intense and you will be able to forgive yourself and move forward with your life. Should this prove difficult, do not be ashamed to seek counseling. Most college campuses have counselors available. It may help you to just talk it through with an objective person (other than here on the internet). I sought counseling about
3 months after I had my abortion and just being able to voice my doubts, regrets, and fears really relieved some of the guilt. I had (and still have) a very big fear that God will punish me in some way by not blessing me with children in the future when I am ready for them. For this reason I also went to confession. Since you talk about
God and wanting God to watch over your child, you might find confession beneficial as well. And of course God will watch over your child -- the baby was innocent and had a pure soul, and I think you know that.
I now know that if I was ever put in that same situation I could not do it again -- for that reason I am MUCH more careful about
sex. I have only slept with one person since breaking up with the father of my child and that was only after I was close enough with him to share what had happened and discuss what would happen if we were in the same situation. I know you will be just as cautious, and some day you will find a man who will love you and whom you will be able to trust enough to share you experience with.
Have faith. You will get through this, and you must do whatever it takes to come out strong. If you ever need further support or have any questions, please let me know and I can give you my email address.
