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Posted 1/5/2008 4:37 AM (GMT 0)
I was reading your post Leave, and I am kind of tired so if I didn't understand it right let me know.  It sounds like you have concerns about her abusing the kids like she was abused.  It almost sounds like she is even afraid of that. 

If that is the case, and if she wont take medication prescribed, that could very well happen if she is bipolar.  I would keep on top of that situation.  Do you think she would ever hurt them even without meaning to?  I sure hope not.

Do you both have another session soon?  Maybe this time you can get more resolved.  I sure hope this works out for you, you have been trying so hard.  Try to give the sessions as much time as you can before you make your decision, keeping the kids best welfare in mind of course.

This has to be very difficult I am sure, you have been so patient and  have been there for her as much as you possibly could.  I don't know what else you could do other than to wait and see how these sessions go and see if she is going to try to get better.  And if she doesn't, I think that you know what you have to do.

My best wishes for you to get throuh this.

Hugs,

Karen

Posted 1/5/2008 12:22 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Leave

Getting By touched on the subject that alarmed me in your post...her thoughts of being violent with the kids.

If she gets upset by this,then too bad... but,please try to find a way that she is not alone with the kids.
I would also make sure to tell the counselor what she said next week. That way it is documented.

I am sorry that you are at a loss. I would be too,and maybe you are right..it might be best to leave the situation.
What about taking the kids and yourself to a relatives or friends house for awhile? I know it will be hard but you need to protect those kids. And if she is not willing to try to get some help then there is really nothing more you can do.

Please whatever you decide try to keep us updated as we all will be very worried about you.
Posted 1/6/2008 10:14 PM (GMT 0)
Hey everyone.

I woke up yesterday to a revelation. I'm letting it all get to me and it's changing me. I used to be so affectionate and loving- now I use her moods and behavior as a reason to stop being me. So I said "screw that". Went back to kissing and cuddling and tellling her how much I love her. She seems completely unfazed- but so what. It's time for me to be tough, and just be ME again!

I thank you for changing MY direction in terms of the focus. After writing and reading the reactions I stopped and thought "listen to what she's been saying". The sad reality is I'm so used to hearing her say and do unreasoanable and irrational things that they go in one ear and out the other but that's not an option when the children are involved. The worker from the Family Services Dept is supposed to be checking in with us this week and I really don't want them in our lives, but I have to tell him everything because like Shy said- I need things documented.

If any of you have a situation similar to mine- your husband or wife is Depressed or has just had REALLY tough life and the both of you attend marriage counseling- ask your counselor to check out the Internal Family Systems model. I had completely forgotten about this before we started our most recent session last week- but the new counselor asked us about past counseling and whether or not it worked and we both said it had. I remember how shortly before we stopped going (her grandmother passed and life got crazy), he had tapped into what caused our different reactions and moods - the WHY's of our behavior and my wife's whole past came out. It was my 1st look into why she did some of what she did and really opened my eyes hearing her talk about life before me. Unfortunately I forgot it all and never changed my ways to at least be more aware of certain things. Anyway- the new counselor asked me to find out what method the old doc used and that is it. I read more about it today and I swear that if this new guy follows it- my wife will at least go back to her individual sessions which would be a HUGE win for our family. I don't think we can post links on here, but if you just do a search on the method- you'll see the description
Posted 1/6/2008 11:07 PM (GMT 0)
Leave,

Thanks for the informationl. I am definitely going to send the web info to my husbands therapist. It may help alot. He suffered greatly at the hands of his mother.

I am glad you are doing things for yourself. Cuddling with your wife is a great start.

Wife

Posted 1/7/2008 12:31 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Leave

I am so glad that you have decided to be you again. It is so easy to loose ourselves anyway.. getting back to us almost seems impossible if we let it go for so long.

I am hoping that the sessions work for both of you. And,if you can go to individual sessions yourself. Because depression affects everyone involved.

keep us posted and stay strong!
Posted 1/10/2008 4:22 PM (GMT 0)
Hello everyone. It's just me posting an update, probably more for the therapeutic aspect for myself because there's really not much to update.

Over the past week my wife seems slightly manic in the mornings. she's up everyday earlier than ever and runs through the house like a whirlwind getting the kids ready for the day. It annoyed me at 1st because this is usually my thing and I enjoy it- me and the kids have a lot of fun with it where my wife is very "do this and do that". Not in a mistreating way- but not fun for them either. I figure it's better to just let her feel like she matters than to tell her I'm pretty offended by her just pushing me out of something I enjoy with the kids but as long as she's not yelling or screaming at them- it's not worth it.

Like I said- I've committed myself to just being me again. Saying nice things, compliments, hugs from behind, and little by little it seems to be working. I hadn't gotten the slightest bit of affection in a few weeks but the other morning she kissed me goodbye and the night before last she actually held my hand in bed. Not much- but better than nothing.

After a fight on new years day I brought up the Depression and she was sort of responsive. I asked her if she'd read a little info that I had about it and she said "I guess so". I have tons and tons of articles I've printed from the internet. I made her a nice folder of some of the best one's detailing the characteristics of Depression, the scientific aspects, the thinking patterns, healing strategies and the effects it has on the families. I was very hesitant to give it to her because I do see her trying to deal with it on her own, but she's just convinced that she can make herself be happier and I see her trying to do it, but it's so fake and forced that I feel REALLY bad for her. Anyway- we were hanging out watching tv last night and I gave it to her. She waited a second, got the attitude and asked "why do you feel it necessary to give this to me right now" and rather than give my REAL answer- which would have been "because you are not healthy right now", I just said "because you told me you'd be interested in reading about it". She took a second and pretty much went back to normal- BIG RELIEF. I went over and cuddled with her and that was that. We'll see if the folder gets touched.

Unfortunately we had to cancel our second session with the counselor tonight, the one where I planned on bringing up the Depression. Some distant aunt of my wife passed away and she wants to go to the wake so I'm pushed back another week. I'm learning that the key to at least creating a more positive atmosphere for the kids is my patience and sacrifice. It KILLs me to not get any affection or anything, but whatever- there's been no verbal attacks over the past week and it's not about me, I have a sick wife who needs me to sacrifice. I'd be a pretty bad husband if I allow myself to be selfish.

I really hope she read's the packet I gave her. I don't know if any of you are familiar with the Depression Learning Path (if not- it's a must read), but it describes her to a "t". Especially where it states that her thinking is just distorted and things are REALLY not 1/2 as bad as she believes them to be. It gives some great examples of how a person suffering from Depression interprets negative and positive events and some of the statements are STRAIGHT out of her mouth. she won't be able to deny that it is exactly how she thinks.   Obviously I think this is especially relevant to us as a married couple. Trust me- while we have had some bad times- we are GREAT together when we both have our heads on straight- it's a no brainer but that block in her chemistry just doesn't let her see it and it's funny becuase she just spoke to me about how her mother is that way and she wants to help her see that things can get better no matter what. HELLO?????!!!! Then she'll turn around and tell me that it's going to take some time for us to be like we used to be. It hurts because I know that tomorrow is not guaranteed, and I want us to begin NOW- for us, for me, for her, and most importantly because I know our kids are wondering what happened to those 2 people that we used to catch kissing and hugging all over the house....

thanks for bearing with me

Posted 1/10/2008 5:52 PM (GMT 0)
good news. I just talked to the counselor and I'm meeting with him alone tonight. He does want to know my opinions on the marriage and I plan on revealing everything about her behavior and history to him. I'm sure that she'll have a problem with me meeting with him alone since she's already so paranoid about what I tell people about her. But without the truth- things have NO SHOT of getting better
Posted 1/11/2008 12:05 PM (GMT 0)
Good Luck,that is a good step in seeing him alone.
Plus I really think you could benefit with your own therapy.. you have been through alot.
Posted 1/11/2008 3:07 PM (GMT 0)
OK. The toughest part has arrived, I have to do something because she is really losing control.

First, she comes in last night and tells me that she went to the local strip club and applied for a job as a waitress. HUH?? Your a 30 year old mother of 3 with a good job at a major company.... I told myself to just ignore it and didn't say a word. But believe me- if shewas to ever take a job like that, she would come home to an empty house.

BUT- this morning she wakes up and we're getting the kids ready for school. I'm ironing the kids clothes in our bedroom and she's in the baby's room with her and my 2 step children. I hear her tell my stepdaughter to do something, then commotion. She starts screaming at our 8 year old daughter about her attitude. My daughter says "what did I do" and my wife accuses her of giving her an attutude and stomping away (she even demonstrates) and I hear my stepson say "but why did you have to grab her like that", and she says cuz "she was stomping away from me" and both of them said "that's not true" and my wife goes into her whole "Oh- I must be crazy" act.

So my daughter comes in to me, hugs me and I ask her what happened. She said she was just walking away to do what she was told (definitely with an attitude- she's like that), and her mother snatched her arm, pinching her and it really hurt. My blood was boiling but I maintained my composure.

My wife left and I had my stepson come into the room and asked him what happened. He just said mommy pulled her back into the room- and I said "was it really hard", and he didn;t want to say so he kept saying "I don;t know", so I said "show me", and he really put both hands on my arm and yanked. So I said "that's hard", is that what it was like and he said "yes".

so I had my stepdaughter come in after and asked her if she was afraid of her mother. she said "kinda" and mentioned an incident that happened last year where my wife pushed her against a radiator in the house and tried to get her to keep it from me. And another time where my wife threatened to choke her. She said she's also afraid of my because when I yell, it's very loud. I asked if she ever thought I would put my hands on her or hurt her and she said "no". She just gets scared because I yell loudly. both kids told me that after the knife incident and I promised them both that they would never hear me yell again, and they haven't and won't!! So I asked my daughter if she wanted me to talk to her mother about it and ask her to not do that to her again. she said she did, as long as it didn't turn into a fight between me and mommy. Right then my wife called for something and while I was on the phone with her, my daughter is standing next to me pretending to twist her own arm, acting like she was in pain (she is the funniest little girl in the world), basically wanting me to have the conversation with her mother right there, but I need to plan this out because it's truly time for action.

I had a long talk with the counselor yesterday and told him everything. He agrees that this is a critical juncture in my wifes life and wants to approach things carefully with a goal of getting her back into individual counseling and back on meds. He thinks if we hit on everything too quickly she'll just stop coming. Part of me says that this is the better option because once I bring the story up- he can immediately draw the parallel between how her parents behaved and how she's very likely to repeat that pattern and is showing signs of it.

I'm thinking of just calling him today, telling him what happened and asking if we can get in ASAP so that was I can bring up this incident in front of him and he can approach her with it so that it's not ME because we all know that as soon as I bring it up, I'm the aggressor, she's the victim. It will turn into a huge fight and my daughter will be the one feeling like mommy and daddy are fighting because of her and I can't let that happen. the other option is to seriously call the DCF people back to our house. That is worse case scenario because once they are in your lives, they don't go away and that will no doubt push my wife deeper into this depression, not incent her to get better but I HAVE to do something for the kids.

Fortunately, she works both of her jobs this weekend and won't be home at all Saturday or Sunday so I have a few days to come up with a decision.

Of course I get to work this morning (we work in the same buidling) and she comes over to me like nothing at all happened.
Posted 1/12/2008 12:52 PM (GMT 0)
Ok Leave,I am trying to take a very deep breath here.....

This is becoming a very serious situation.

It is child abuse. And it makes my stomach roll to read it.
There is no excuse in the world for it,and quite frankly she should NOT be alone with those kids.

I don't believe the whole "well I was abused as a child ect ect".. that is crap.

I myself was physically abused as a child by my mom,I had no father to protect me,so your children are very lucky. But,due to that I would have never laid a hurtful hand to my children.

This woman needs to get her temper and attitude in check and soon.

She is trying to demean herself by telling you she applied at a strip club..I am not sure why she is playing these childish games,.. if she brings it up again..why don't' you say "hey I heard the tips could be good" and walk away.

I am sorry if I sound harsh..but,when it comes to someone hurting a child it is very hard for me to keep my own temper in check.

Please inform the counselor asap. And,I would also find a sitter for the kids when you are not there. If she complains..then simply remind her of what she has done in the past.

And,another thing to think about..you have a social worker coming to your house...so your wife knows that she is being watched,but she still continues to lay her hands on those kids??
Is she going to get to the point to where she is threatening the kids so that they don't tell???
Posted 1/12/2008 3:52 PM (GMT 0)

Please listen to Shy.  This is getting out of hand.  You are the father, the protecter.  If the counseling and meds don't calm her down, you are going to have to seriously think what is best for the children.  This could hurt them for years to come.  It is not a good situation.  It isn't fair to the children.  They shouldn;t have to go through their child hood abused and scared.  It just isn't fair.

I am like Shy when it comes to child abuse, I was abused to and I don't go around hurting children.  It is time for you to take the upper hand and protect your children.

As for the topless bar, what is she thinking?  Is she just trying to start a fight?  This has gone on far too long, and she needs to get help or have the children taken away from her.  They are innocent in this and don't deserve the abuse. 

I know that I am repeating myself, but I can't help it.  Do something, or you could lose the kids too.

Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

hugs,

Karen

Posted 1/12/2008 5:47 PM (GMT 0)

Hey there,

I have been reading your posts, and if you don't take control of this situation someone else will do it for you as anyone that suspects child abuse is responsible to report it to the authorities and as a nurse, I know I am mandated  to report abuse should I see it or even suspect it.   If the athorities are notified by someone else, you are putting the loss of your children at risk.

You could end up with nothing.  It is time to make a decision and stick to it.

Listen to Shy please. She has given you good advice here. Take care of you too.


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