Trying To Keep From Crying!!

I pray everyday for just a night together like before, no strings just the chance to experience what I need.  My mind and body ache for this man, he is amazing.

The rest of my fish in my aquarium died today too.  The only one living is crazy leggs.  He looks so alone and you wonder if he misses the other fish.  This has been a sad experience for me as I have had my pets for over 2 years.  Then they all die within 2 days.  Everything that I love just seems to be dying or leaving.

I am going to laundry tomorrow morning so that will be done.  I go to a little laundy place up the street, it is ok.

On a good note today, I managed to hang a swing on the front porch.  Now I have my swing that makes me happy.

Really sleepy and depressed, I miss laughing.

Once again you have just the right words for me.  You are right, I will never love anyone like W, I know that for a fact, I just feel that starting a new relationship without intimacy will be the decision that I will not change.  The relationship that I had was the most wonderful thing in the world for me and I screwed it up, if I had him back he would see that I was a fool and that being without him is pure torture.

Lately I have been seeing signs all over the most recent today in fact it made my heart skip a beat.  I sat and cried becuse I am trying to convince my self that they dont mean anything anymore, they are just so wonderful though it is hard!

My other frog died during the night so I started my day out crying and wishing I had a friend to lean on, yea I have friends but none close enough that I want to share something like this with.

If I continue to feel this depressed I am thinking about hospitalization, I really dont want togo I just want to feel better.  My doc and talked about the intercranial implant as a possibility, I would let them do anything to me risks or not.  I just want the pain to go away.  I miss laughing and smiling so muich.

Last night was rough again for me.  I am really starting to think that either my house has a presence about it, I hate to say that it may a ghost because I believe in angels.  I dont know but there have been a couple times when I thought someone was in the house.

I have not slept a full night for over a month.  I go to bed around 10 and I am awake by 2am.  I have no problem going back to sleep I cant understand why I cant sleep.  I have even increased my sleeping pills to no avail.

Last evening was especially hard for me as once again a sign.  I was watching AI and one of the contestants sang a song from Celine Dion "Its All Coming Back".  The most ironic part of this song is one that W and I listened to one day.  I played that particular song for him because of what "we" were going through.  This contestant is my favorite and I just though marveled at the choice of song, that song was never played on the radio and if you knew it, it is only because you had listened to her CD.  To me this is the kind of sign that I have been seeing.  During the middle of the song I broke down and called his cell. After a couple rings of course I chickened out.  He never called me back, there was one other time that I called him to as him about our tax guy but even then to he didnt call back.  Like I said, between the signs and faith, I want so much for the purpose of these signs to come to fuition.

Shy, dont worry about me, I PROMISE!!!!  I am going to keep my promises to everyone including myself.  I am ok, a little depressed but I am getting through.  Thanks for being such a good friend to.

Dear Teresa,

I will try not to write a novel but after my son died I was always noticing signs.  If I was out doing something or driving the car his song would come on, "Unchained Melody"  The tears would pour down my face and I would want to just drive into the corn field and sit there waiting for someone to come and take care of me, to make me better.

I walked around for months thinking people were looking at me as "The lady whose son died in that terrible car crash"

I would sit at the cemetery and always a squirrel would appear and chatter at me.  One day I saw a small deer.  I would walk through the cemetery looking for other stones of young adults and teens who had died tragically as I was looking for other parents that might feel as I did.

That was 17 years ago that the accident happened.  I went to the cemetery on Tuesday and sat in my car and cried my heart out. I called my daughter and told her where I was...........she said " I know your feeling sad Mom"  Hey she validated my feelings and she understood.

I know all about those signs that come out of no where and hit you right in the heart.

If you feel you need to go to the hospital I would support you on your decision.  I do not want you to live your life sad.

I still have bad moments but I have many more good times now.  I will never forget but I will never understand either.  So I pray for strength and I throw myself into helping others and I so want to help you.  Please let me.
Hugs

Kitt

As far as the meds I am taking, tons and tons.  That is why we are looking at another invasive brain surgery.  I am taking........

600mg lithium

120mg ritalin-some times I take 80 more

60mg prozac

300mg seroquel

300mg lamictal

100mg Visteral

and dont forget I have the vns as well

I should be doing so much better, even my doc is a little concerned.

My blood pressure has started to climb again

What else?

Another night waiting for someone to watch AI with me...........I think maybe he lives too far now.

That makes me more depressed, I want so much to feel like he does, I want it to be easy like it is for him.  Does he think about me?  I think about him night and day, I just want to see him even though it wouldnt change things, this I know.

Got my resume done this afternoon, it looks good, I want this job.

believe me taking that amount of meds is hard to remember.  When I first starting taking them when I got out of the hospital, I used little "tinkerbell" stickers to differentiate the times I took a certain med. That was a good idea and I think that is the way I learned to take them.  Actually that list is nothing compared to all the meds I have taken over the years. I have a grand total of right around 60 different meds.

That is why I feel so hopeless most of the time because with the advanced degree of my depression, "treatment resistant", which is the granddaddy of the chronic severe clinical depression, sometimes I feel like I will never be able to live a happy life.  The reason I say this is I can count on m two hands the times that are truly unforgettable times in my life, how said is that?

It just makes the future look so bleak and worthless.  I was sitting here yesterday and thought to myself, I get up everyday, dress, makeup, hair all the things that I coudnt do before, only to sit in my house every day unless I make errands.  Usually when I get ready to go to bed, I realize that during the day if I had any company it is the mailman, FedEx,neighbor, gas meter lady and the occasional visit from the maintence crew fixing something in the house.  Exciting huh????

Anyway about my job I am sending out my resume today so keep your fingers crossed for me.  It will be a great experience to use the skills I have obtained from working with the school.

I said that I would not work in the social work field but I am throwing caution to the wind an proving to myself that I can do this.

I am ok today, would love to go look at vehicles, I hatedoing so because you just cant go look without a salesman "strangling" you.

Well going to get all this fun stuff out of the way.

Hi Teresa,

I know how it feels to have the car salesmen driving you crazy.  Do you know that you can nagotiate though.  You can make a lesser offfer on the car and sometimes they will go for it just to make a sale.  Of course that cuts on their commission, but with the economy as it is, they often go for it.  Even if they say the price is firm.  So often it is a buyers market.  I also learned that with furniture and jewelry.  They will come down on the prices, everything is so over priced.  So use some of you skills and try to get them down on the prices.  That way you feel kind of good for getting them back for being so darn pushy.

I truly hope that this works for you, the salesmen get bonuses for how many cars that they sell and will often give up their commission, just to sell another car.  I think that you can do this.  Dicker with them and see how it goes.  For instance, tell them, I really like this car, but I will only spend this much.  They do go for that often. 

Good luck with your resumes.  I know that you will get the job that you are wanting.  You are very smart Teresa, use that brain of yours.

hugs,  Karen

Hi Teresa,

For some reason salesmen do not have a good sense for siizing up women............. I made more money then my hubby and I do not have to ask permission for what I do.

I went to car dealer to pick up my car as the radiator had quit.  They told me it would be $750.00 to fix.  So  I said let me think a minute. I walked around the show room looking at the cars..........NO ONe approached me so I said in my assertive sweety mousy voice  "Excuse Me, could I get some help"

Saleman finally came over and said can I answer a question...........I looked him in the eye and I said " I want to buy this brand new red Pontiac Grand Prix now" Test drove it and loved it.............the salesman said you want to talk to your husband..............

I looked at him and said Why?  It is my car.  Keep the broken one and lets make a deal.  I drove that car home with the sun roof open and the stereo blasting.

Go car shopping sweetie, have a blast.  Make them show you every car in the lot and line them up so you can compare colors.

I will be gone for 4 days so when I get back I will be looking to see how it went for you.  You go girl.
Love
Kitt

Well it is about 410pm.  Today has actually been a very depressing day for many reasons but am too depressed to go into that.

I didnt go look at cars because I am too poor to even get and it would be my second choice.  I am really not feeling positive today guys, just feel really lost and alone.  I am not going to leave the house tonight because I have decided to sit down with a few glasses of wine or more (i know we are not supposed to drink with our meds) its the only thing I have left to ease the pain of this depression and I refuse to give it up.

The phone never rings anymore and trying to find a vehicle is consuming me, I look for reasons to get out of the house but I dont.  I used to go to the flea markets and stores that have little "honey holes" trinkets, It has gotten so bad that I get chest pain just thinking about buying the necessities.  I never in my life have I ever been this close to bankruptcy and I am sure that the loss of my frogs and the lonelines I truly feel will stay with me because he will never be here again, these sre all factors.

You guys dont have to worry, I am way over that suicide stuff!!!!

Just really could use something to cheer me up.

Yoou guys do but you know what I mean.

Well My pink catawba awaits.

Hey Teresa,

I am dreaming of a new car too and I do not have the money for one so I drive my old granny car and it makes me feel old.  Somewhere we have to find the faith to accept things as they are.  I am not a young chicky anymore and I have to let go of  wanting to go back in time.  I am in a new time zone now and there must be great things here for me.

So like Dorothy, I am off to see the wizard to see what new and fun thing I might enjoy.  I so love to help people.  If I was near you we could go drive the car dealers nutso. 

I ride a motorcycle, you want me to teach you?  I live in a cold state and I hate cold weather, next winter I have vowed to spend 3 weeks somewhere warm even if it is under the board walk in Miami. 

Please take care and  smile, even if it is through the tears, smile for me.

Hugs
Kitt

Hi Teresa,

I hope that you are feeling well.  Though I do worry when you say that you are drinking wine.  Not that you would get drunk or anything like that, but daily consumption will make you more depressed.  I like to drink a couple of beers everyday, but I haven't been and I noticed that my depression has lifted some.  So I know that the beers were making me depressed and I didn't get a buzz even.  I just want you to know that I worry because I care about you and your well being.  So enough of that. 

I hope that you are having a wonderful evening.  Take care.

Hugs, Karen