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Just diagnosed with Depression and Post Traumatic Stress disorder and trying to get through school..

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Posted 3/12/2008 2:32 AM (GMT 0)
Well, when I first joined this site, it wasn't for me, but to find ways to help my incredible adoptive sister who's helped me through so much but I guess the things I thought were over are kind of still brewing inside and when I was referred by my counselor to see a therapist I was diagnosed with Depression and PTSD.

...Lovely.

I came from a physically and emotionally abusive home and I really thought I left all of that behind me now that I finally got out to school, but things just keep creeping up that I thought I'd already dealt with and it's making it hard  to keep my GPA up and keep up with my committments. To make matters worse, then I've only got until June until I leave school and I have to find a new therapist in my area when I'm still not used to this one.

I've had to deal with things by myself my whole life. My parents were the stuff of nightmares to me and my grandparents, from whom I always thought I could find unconditional love, turned their backs on me because they would rather listen to my parents, making the trust, faith, and hope I placed in them for nineteen years nothing but lies on a foundation of sand and it leaves me in question of my own reality only to find that, until now, I was really completely alone, even when I believed I wasn't.

I'm still scared I'll lose my adoptive family. I have nothing left from my past, and I'm so afraid that somehow I'll lose the amazing people I finally have if they see whatever it is that my parents, my grandparents, or my friends from growing up saw. It terrifies me that inside there's something ugly and broken and maybe that'll end up being all I've got.

I don't even know what I'm supposed to tell the therapist. Most of what I remember is so blurry these days, and I'm not entirely sure why, and it's hard not to pretend I'm happy when I'm not because for most of my life it was easier to just smile and be accomodating instead of admitting when I'm having a bad day.

I just wish I knew what to do. This whole thing really scares me. It's like the strength I always had, that one thing keeping me from breaking, is suddenly failing me and that's a terrifying concept.

Posted 3/12/2008 2:42 AM (GMT 0)
I am so sorry... What you have going on (present time intrusions) is common and I really commend you for getting help with it. I would suggest starting with telling your therapist what is going on, what you are concerned (sorry I need to find a better word then "concerned") about (even being concerned about talking with them) with right now and in the past. (keeping a journal helps here, take notes about how you feel etc) Perhaps therapy can help you cope with, if not help you find a way to having more good days then bad. To help restoring your trust in others and finding a way past what is going on right now. This is a process and it takes time so be easy on yourself...I wish I could wave the magic wand and make it all better. But it takes work, time, and growth...
Posted 3/12/2008 2:57 AM (GMT 0)
Trust in your therapist to help you. Try to look at this as a new beginning instead of part of the past. You will remember your past as your mind can handle it. Your therapist will know where to begin. They will ask you the right questions to help you sort things out.

In the meantime keep posting, we will try to help you in any way that we can.

Karen
Posted 3/12/2008 3:09 AM (GMT 0)
Tintricoi,

I totally know where you are coming from. I also grew up in an abusive home, and also had people outside of the home abuse me.
I started therapy for the first time in my life last month. It was then that I was diagnosed with moderate depression and PTSD too. It has been one of the hardest and most frustrating things that I have ever had to do. Its hard to talk to someone you barely know or trust at this point, because its hard to trust people after what you have been through.
I just started to cry somewhat in therapy today for the first time. Though I still didn't let it flow much, I'm still hesitant.
I am also the type of person that everyone thinks is so strong because I don't show my emotions, which is why its hard to show them in therapy, I'm starting to learn to, but I think its going to take a bit more time. I have also fooled people into thinking that I am really strong but inside I'm torn up by things.
I can't even tell you why these things are all of a sudden hitting me, which provoked me to go to therapy. I also have a great GPA, 4.0 after 2 years of schooling, however this semester I think I have blown it already, that discourages me quite a bit, I just don't have stamina I did last semester. I don't even want to study for my tests at this point. Somehow I pass them but not with the grade I tried so hard to get in the past.

We just have to take it one day at a time. Feel free to express what you want with your therapist. I finally told mine today that I feel awful that she is trying so hard but I have been so hesitiant and unopen. She told me not to feel that way, to let things come as they may. Even suggested that I write things in a journal and bring that with me if it makes it easier to express things that way in the beginning. I told her I am most frustrated at not necessarily knowing what I feel, and even feel frustrated by my past abuse since some of it is fragmented. I just want to make sense of it, so that I can finally truly leave it in the past to rest. It takes grieving it, and that I have to learn, the emotions don't come easy at this point.

Please don't feel rushed into having to show those feelings either take it at your own pace, even if its frustrating. Your therapist will understand. Tell him/her that you feel that way and that maybe you are hesitant because you will have to switch therapist and have to form that trust bond all over again.
They will have good advice.

Keep talking and learning how to open up. I'm with ya, I know its really difficult but in the end it will help.

Pressing
Posted 3/15/2008 11:52 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks everyone.

You know, it was really weird. When the therapist said it, I didn't even believe it for a moment. I mean, I kept waiting for her to say "Oh, it was just a test" or "Your teacher put me up to it, it's a running joke in the Health Occupations department!" or even "You're on candid camera!".

When this was not forthcoming, I could only sit there, staring. Having taken psychology, I knew what this meant. I also knew that it wasn't something that would just go away. It would always be there and could come and go at any time like an unwanted guest in my brain. "I just don't have time for this!" I said.

"Isn't that when these things usually happen, though?" She said wryly.

....Just my luck. She was right, of course. Things like this seem to only happen when you're on a timetable, or am I the only one to notice that? lol

Thankfully, my adoptive family has been very supportive....aaaaand not at all surprised. Adoptive mom's a psych nurse. They say it's normal, but normal or not, it's annoying. The smallest reminders give me splitting headaches on otherwise ordinary days and sometimes I don't feel like I'll ever be happy. I guess I thought getting away from my bio-family would make me feel better, but as much as I thought I'd put it behind me, it's still there and I can't help but wonder when it'll finally leave me to live my life!
Posted 3/16/2008 12:24 AM (GMT 0)
Everybodies healing journey is different. It will be there as long as it takes for you to deal with it. You can't rush things like this and you can only put them on the back burner for so long. You sound like you have a lot of support so just try to relax and let the healing process happen.

These things just don't have a timetable, but you can cope and still live a productive life.

I hope that this helps some.
hugs, Karen
Posted 3/16/2008 1:18 AM (GMT 0)
It does, thank you, and I guess you're right, but it's a little irritating. I've had to be independent for so long, and I've only had my adoptive family for a little over a year. They still have to remind me I don't need to apologize for confiding in any of them. I just don't want to be an inconvenience to anyone, and while logically I know that's not the case, it's so ingrained into me.
Posted 3/16/2008 1:49 AM (GMT 0)
I can truly understand that, I go throught he same thing. I feel like a burden, though I know that I am not. I also often feel guilty over things for no reason. It was programmed into us and it takes time to get over these feelings. Just really listen to the positive reinforcement that you family and therapist give you. You will be able to handle it all in time. We have to keep reinforcing ourselves too. And believe in our selves. We are good people no matter what went on in our past. It was not our faults and it is time now to start living the lives that we deserve to have. Keep up the good work and keep posting.
hugs, Karen
Posted 3/26/2008 1:21 AM (GMT 0)
I'm a little worried.

I just had a great easter vacation with the adoptive family, and got back to school yesterday. On a call home, today, I was told they planned to come with me to get my stuff from back with my biological family when I graduate. I was touched, but also filled with a sense of forboding. The bio-parents who made my childhood and adulthood up until october 16 2007, when I finally got out, a living hell, happen to be very good at charming people, and full of convincingly horrible stories about why I'm the crazy one and they're saints to have put up for me. I know it's stupid, and I know I'm being distrustful and paranoid, but part of me just wants to go do that by myself so that they don't have to meet my biological family. And if they don't buy into what so many people did when I was growing up, they'll try to defend me and it'll turn into this big ugly thing and I just want it to be over with....

And then there's this lingering feeling that I have to go back alone for my things, and to break off those ugly ties, if only so that I can face my fear and get on with my life.


But I don't know how to tell them any of this without sounding suspicious, or ungrateful, or like I'm hiding something. Or what if my bio-parents are right and I am nuts or something? What if I really am this horrible person and my adoptive family sees this and suddenly they don't want anything to do with me?

I'm confused and nervous and scared and I don't even have therapy until the fourth of april so I don't even know what to do or who to talk to. I feel so stupid like this, it's probably a problem I created all on my own, though I'm not certain how I managed to mess this up, and I hate the fact that I keep coming in here with some huge, or imagined-huge, crisis these days when a few months ago it seemed like I was on top of everything!
Posted 3/26/2008 2:15 AM (GMT 0)

I think that you are doing what I do.  It is called obsessive thinking.  I think that you should try to relax and what ever will happen will happen.  If your bio parents are nice, that is good.  Then there will be no conflict.  I think that you should let your adopted parents go with if they want.  Then you will get past this fear that you are experiencing.  But that is just my opinion.  So not to worry.  I think that everything will be just fine. 

I am not a professional by no means and this is just my opinion.  I do not think that you are a horrible person, I think that you are a good person and that you are just worrying.  I think that you have to learn that you are a good person.  Put some faith in you new parents I think that they can handle your bio parents.

I hope that this helps some.

hugs, Karen

Posted 3/26/2008 9:58 AM (GMT 0)

Hiya,

You can always talk to us here. I can understand you wanting to get your things by yourself. Partly as a way of protecting your adoptive parents and partly to give you a true sense of closure. But I can see that things have the potential to get ugly so would it work if your adoptive parents were to wait in the car round the corner? That way, you can go in on your own but if things get too much or you run into trouble, you can call them and they can help support you? You seem to be a really nice, kind person to me and I wouldnt want you to think anything different.

Darren

Posted 3/27/2008 6:27 AM (GMT 0)
Thankfully, you guys were right about talking to them. Wow... It's always such a surprise. Growing up, I never really had much of a support group and I'm never quite sure what to expect. Like I said, having people who will really believe me, and love me without question is something I'm still getting used to.

I got a full mom-lecture from both my adoptive sister and my adoptive mom when I was being a little neurotic about over-apologizing. It was actually funny :)

Thanks for all your help, guys, it really means a lot. It's been a bit hard learning to ask for it when I need it, and I still hesitate, but I think I'm making progress and I have all of the amazing people who listen to thank for it.
Posted 3/27/2008 12:13 PM (GMT 0)
Jusst remember that we are always here for you. I know that it is hard to get use to the unconditional love that your new family is giving you. But in time you will. Just relax with it and let out a great big sigh. You will be fine. And if you have trouble talking, we are always here like I said.

hugs, Karen
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