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Posted 3/16/2008 6:02 PM (GMT 0)
Hi all, I am new to this board.

I don't really know where to begin.  I have dealt with anxiety issues for all of my life.  The idea of going into class in college when I hadn't done my work was absolutely terrifying.  The fight or flight instinct kicked in; once I actually had a panic attack.  My heart was racing and there was nothing I could think about, nothing I could do except feel the sheer terror and agony of that moment.  I also had periods off and on of depression.

Now I've moved to a different state, gotten married, and gotten what would be considered by all rights to be a great job.  Sounds awesome right?  Well my husband had been out of work for the last 9 months and it got really hard on us.  There are medical bills that we are behind on paying and neither one of us has the time to clean the apartment--it is like a nuclear disaster area.  We are supposed to be moving out to the country soon, which is going to confer a long commute on top of all this other stuff, not to mention a grueling move.  Around the time my husband lost his job I started getting depressed again.  It has only gotten worse.  I went to the doctor and got on Wellbutrin.  Having been on hormonal birth control for 7 years my sex drive has been completely wiped out and so, I do not want to do SSRI's.  I don't want to take that chance especially as I am in a study for women with low sex drive.  I have tried Zoloft--50 mg did not do much for me.  100 mg made me not anxious but not feeling much of anything either.  Right now I feel like I would be content with not feeling anything at all.  I am not sure it is worth losing my sex drive in the long run but as a stop gap I would accept it.  I am on Wellbutrin 150 mg and for the first few weeks it was fantastic, not anxious but not numb. 

Then I started to get behind at work.  A lot of the time I would be at work and not even be doing my work.  I knew I should be doing it and I was afraid when I wouldn't, but the vacation I took at Christmas was more stress-inducing than relieving.  I felt like I needed a vacation from my vacation.  But I was expected to jump right back into the grind, and found I couldn't do it.  Then the more behind I got the more anxious I would feel, that one of my superiors would come look over my shoulder, terrified!   The Wellbutrin is not helping as much as it used to, or else my body has become dependent on it or somethng.  Finally my boss recently called me into the office to talk to me.  I was reprimanded, in a nice way, but the experience was excruciating--and I don't want to go back.  Like at all.  It hurts and I am terrified by the prospect.  I don't have time to fix things up the way I want to.  I feel like I have no control over my life at all anymore.  I have a mental block against work right now.  I worry that I won't be able to catch up, I worry what people think of me already and I don't want to worry about that right now.  Even though it is a great job I have considered quitting, but I can't do that until I find another job.  The people at the new job likely won't be as nice and I would have to deal with the stress of the interview, the learning curve, anxiety about whether or not I'm doing it right.  I have cried and been miserable about all of this.  And even if I got a job offer like today, I'd have to give my two weeks' notice and still have to slog through two more weeks of this, besides disappointing coworkers I am friendly with and lots of other issues.

Does anybody have any advice?  Depression is hard enough without having to deal with this--I don't know what to do.  I have been working myself to the bone for the past month or so trying to catch up and progress has been painfully slow, then it came to a head with this confrontation and I feel so embarrassed, hurt, useless, like I don't have enough time for myself or to start the process of getting where I want to be in life in the time that I have.  I am supposed to go in to work today off the clock to catch up, but it's really the last thing I want to do.  It's like my body has developed an aversion to it.  Has anybody else gone through anything similar?  If so, what did you do?  What helped you not lose your mind?

Posted 3/16/2008 6:30 PM (GMT 0)
Kitty,

I am really sorry that you are going through such a hard time with things right now.
I have not been through a tough issue like that as far as work; however, I am terrified of faliure, and to some degree I think that is why you are having a hard time with work. The fact that someone had to chat with you about your progress made you feel a whole lot worse.

I know I myself tend to overthink way beyond the real issue. You are probably putting yourself through way more crap than you really need to be doing. You are probably more mad at yourself for not getting things done than your supervisor is with you.
You may feel as though he/she is seeing right through you but I doubt they are, its really you doubting yourself and your ability. And yes depression does make that easier to do.
I would say be kind to yourself, show up at work and do the best you can. Take each day as a new day, try not to bring the past into it, just do what you can that day.
You can do it, in you lays some great strenghts and they are yours for the taking.

Pressing
Posted 3/16/2008 6:36 PM (GMT 0)

Hi there,

Have you considered talking to your doctor about this? It may be that the meds are part of the problem. Also, have you explained everything to your boss? It may be they can give you light duties for a while and build yourself up. Please dont beat yourself up over this... it is a problem loads of people have and it can be sorted. Its just a case of finding out what is causing it and then changing it.

Please keep talking to us

Darren

Posted 3/16/2008 6:40 PM (GMT 0)

Hello Kitty,

I have to say that first of all you are having all or nothing thinking and that can make you very anxious.  You don't know that the people at your next job aren't going to be friendly.  They could be even more friendly than the people at your current job.

I would think that if your husband isn't working, that he could help around the house.  Or be looking for some kind of job that would help out financialy.  I don't mean to put your husband down, but it sounds as if you are carrying a very full load.  Plus with all the worry about the bills and such, that is very taxing on the mind.

You may need your wellbutrin bumped up.  You have probably gotten to the point where you need more.  Also I would like to add that a woman's sex drive has a lot to do with how she feels about herself.  So it may not be the medications, but what is going on with yourself.  Try some selfnurturing, even though you may not have time, make the time.  After all, you are worth it.  We tend to have to feel good about ourselves to have a normal sex drive.  Like I say you are worth it, take a nice leisurly bath, pay attention to your body and maybe play some relaxing music to help you to feel better about yourself.

You are going through so much right now, don't be hard on youself.  Try to picture good things happening at your job instead of underminding yourself.  Your thought process can be very detrimental to yourself, so try to think positive.

Are you getting any counseling during this?  I feel that it is so important to you.  If you can't afford it, check into some mental health programs, there is a lot out there for people who need help but can't afford it.

It sounds to me like you need to work on yourself at this point, meaning getting the help that you need and learning to love yourself.  Like I say you are carrying a full load and that isn't fair to you right now.  He should be helping you by doing more around the house and looking for work.  I may be way off base, but that is what I understand from your post. 

Also for anxiety issues, there is a wonderful forum on anxiety and some of the people might be able to help you, if nothing else, read some of the threads, maybe you will find some answers.

I forgot to welcome you to the forum, you will find many wonderful understanding people here.  So keep posting, I am sure some will have better answers than I have.

I hope that you have a wonderful day.  And I hope that you will feel better soon.  We are here for you to help you in anyway that we can.

Gentle hugs, Karen

Posted 3/16/2008 6:49 PM (GMT 0)
You are right about somebody talking to me about it made it worse; but the nature of the conversation was such that she knew exactly what I had been doing, although not, perhaps, the full extent of it. It didn't help that she also called me out on something embarrassing and also depression related at the same time and was much nicer about the work issue! The gist was that I wasn't going to be fired, but that I had to stop doing that. It's the idea of facing it now, is even worse knowing that I have been careless; I expected this to happen on some level, she said that she had been waiting to say anything until my husband got a job. I told her that I had been dealing with anxiety/depression (at that point I had nothing to lose and potentially something to gain by offering this information), was now on medication, etc... I feel like I would like to talk to a therapist, but I don't know how much that is, whether I would be able to get off work to go... and as I went to research people online I felt nervous too, like would I be able to trust this person with my deepest darkest secrets? With nothing but a name until I walk into the office? It just seems like there is no good solution.

It also doesn't help that I had been meaning, needing to talk to her about working from home a few days out of the week since we were going to move; but a part of me doubts they will even consider this since they know about the infraction to some degree. I don't know if they would be able to trust me--even though, being out of the office and away from people, allows me to be a lot more productive since I don't have the worry of somebody coming to look over my shoulder, or call me in to talk to me, or get yelled at, and can actually manage to focus enough to get work done.
Posted 3/16/2008 7:25 PM (GMT 0)
Hi again Kitty,
I understand your thought of not being able to trust someone you don't know with your darkest secrets.
I just started going to counseling for the first time in my life about two months ago, I am 34, believe me I was not totally trusting of my counselor at first, they know it takes time for you to trust them and they don't push you. It has been somewhat hard to do, since I am sharing things that I have never told anyone about my past childhood abuse. I was diagnosed with depression and PTSD.
Though its hard, I am beginning to realize that unless I finally let it out and deal with it, its going to keep coming up to torment me, even in ways that I myself don't realize.

If you have health insurance, most will cover much of the price of counseling. Some centers will also offer slide and scale fees. Then there are some state agencies that offer free help. I would definately say it would be a good idea to look into some of those options. If anything it can even help you cope with present issues. Many of them offer sessions during the day or evening. I have had sessions as late as 7pm with my counselor.

Depression is not a weakness, one in every ten people will be diagnosed with it at some point in their life. The stigma is there is something wrong when someone has it, thats not the case, for many people the issues that contribute to depression lay deep within and were not the result of the individual but of what others had done to them. Never feel ashamed about your diagnoses of depression, you have depression, it doesn't have you.

If you really feel like working from home would be better. It may be a good idea to mention working at home a couple days a week to your boss, I would present it as an option (if your in fear of losing your job), stating that if they don't feel comfortable with it that its fine but that you may be more productive that way at this time.

Hope this helps some, I know its really difficult but it usually feels better to be able to get this stuff off your chest with someone who is not going to be judgmental and who is not shocked by anything you have to say.

Pressing
Posted 3/16/2008 7:36 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you all for your replies. My last post was in reply to the first poster.

djdaz: The meds are helping--this was actually worse, MUCH MUCH worse, before I started taking the medication. It just doesn't seem to be enough to effectively deal with all of it.

getting by: That's a good point, I don't know for sure that the people at a new job wouldn't be as friendly or would be more demanding; but I think that if I did take a new job and it was worse, that I'd be kicking myself. At least I would be dealing with new issues though.

The reason that my husband was not helping out more is because he has scoliosis, has had two spinal surgeries and needs another one, and too much physical activity hurts him. He was not automatically covered by my insurance at work and I could not afford to pay the $350 it would take to cover him, especially since it wouldn't cover pre-existing conditions. It has been very hard on me dealing with the bills and stress that comes with that on my own and yes it has been very taxing on my mind as well. He had also been looking for work, sending out resumes and such but until he got the job that he got recently he had not received any callbacks or follow-ups.

With all due respect about the sex drive issue--in some cases it may be psychological, but in my case it has been physiological. This is not something that just now started, it is because of the hormonal birth control that I was on, and I have maintained the lessened sex drive no matter what period of mental distress or relief I was going through.

I am not getting couselling right now, but I have considered it and think it would help to some degree. I would have to be able to trust the person, but once I did I think I could get a lot of benefit from it. Do you have any information about these programs?

My husband thinks I may need my Wellbutrin bumped up as well. I would certainly not be averse to trying this.

Thank you all for your comments.
Posted 3/16/2008 8:56 PM (GMT 0)
Kitty,

Do you think that your husband would qualify for social security or disability? Is his scoliosis really bad? Now I feel bad for saying that he should help more, I am sorry. I hope that you were not offended by what I said.

I found an internet called  freemed resources   This might help you find information about free counseling. There are many programs you just have to find them. A lot of times the department of mental health has free programs. Or very low payment plans. I think that it would help you to check. Or just type the other one in and see where it takes you. They don't seem to like to make the information as available as they should. But it is a start. I am sure that you can find something in your area. I will keep looking for you.

Keep us posted on how things are going for you. There will be more people on tomorrow who probably will have even better information that will be helpful to you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 3/16/2008 9:06 PM (GMT 0)
I was not offended, it is a reaction that a lot of people have at first when they don't know the whole story so I realized I had to explain in a bit more detail. I will definitely check out the site that you mentioned and see if there is anything like that near me. I appreciate your thoughts and advice. I will be checking in and giving updates when possible. Thanks everyone.
Posted 3/17/2008 10:22 AM (GMT 0)

Hiya,

I would certainly talk to your doctor about bumping your wellbutrin up. If you feel it is an effective drug but there isnt enough of it increasing it may eb the simple answer. Also, please dont be afraid of asking to work from home. If there is a trust issue going on, ask them for a 1 week trial so you can prove yourself. If you dont ask, they definately wont let you!

Darren

Posted 3/28/2008 3:22 PM (GMT 0)
I too am on wellbutrin. Sometimes it is hard to stay on task. My dr added provigil to the wellbutrin. Unfortunately I had an allergic reaction-so i could not continue with the regimen. But dr said that the provigil would help me focus. Perhaps your dr can add something to the wellbutrin to assist you.
Also the max theraputic dose for Wellbutrin is 300mg.So you can be bumped up.
Posted 3/28/2008 5:08 PM (GMT 0)
Wife,

Did you have an allergic reaction to the provigil? Perhaps you could take something else. I take adderall and it really helps. Ask your doctor about that. There is also ritalin that helps you focus.

Good luck,
hugs, Karen
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