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Posted 3/19/2008 1:30 PM (GMT 0)
I am so sorry that you are so confused
I wish I could do more
I am sure your other friends here will post soon........Luvs and God Bless...LYN
Posted 3/19/2008 2:12 PM (GMT 0)
Good morning Shane,

I have noticed that gay men have a lot of female friends. Could this possibly be a longing for a close friendship? Maybe you could talk to her and see where that takes you. Are you physically attracted to her, or emotionally? I would explore the idea of a friendship and then go from there and see what happens.

Take it slow, you are still young and have a lot of time to decide what it is that you really want to do with your life. Keep school a priority, because nobody can take away what you have learned, also it can determine your future. Let the rest fall into place. Kind of like what Tennis said, worry about what is important and the rest should work itself out for you. You have many years ahead of you to figure this out. But I would definately explore the friendship with the girl and see what your feelings are.

Good luck with all of this, glad that you are posting and you are fitting in with this group very well. I told you there are a lot of understanding people here that don't judge. I am happy that you found us and are comfortable to talk. You will work this out, I know that.

Luv and hugs, Karen
Posted 3/19/2008 5:34 PM (GMT 0)
Well, Shane, the way you feel around that one girl...that's how I felt when I met my future husband!  My heart would beat faster and I was so happy to be around him. I was in college and I knew when he had his classes.  I would go out of my way to be sure to pass him on his way to class...just so I would get to see him.  I think that is called a strong attraction to someone and it can be the beginning of love. 

 

You do a magnificent job with English!  You definitely get your thoughts across clearly, too.  I'm so glad you found this forum.  All of the forums at HealingWell are like this because we really care about each other and want to help, too.  I'm also so happy that you are feeling better now.  That's why we are here.  It will be nice getting to know you better.  Have a wonderful day, Shane!

 

Sherrine   

Posted 3/19/2008 11:39 PM (GMT 0)
Shane,

I understand your confusion. My problem is that I have emotional attractions to both guys and girls, however, I have 0 sexual attraction to either. That is confusing. The 0 sexual attraction, I think, is from something that happened years ago to me, but its hard trying to figure out what I am supposed to be. I thought I was pretty sure, but then it hit me... I dont have to choose one way or the other! And neither do you! It is hard and confusing, everyday, and I understand that. When I go to school, I see guys and girls that I like... there are a few girls I like, and only one guy. Most of the time guys are just my friends. Although I would prefer to be hanging with the guys, my whole "group" of friends consists of girls...which is fine because they are great!! But, I am just saying, I havent said I am gay or I am not gay because I dont know yet.

And thats ok.

I have always felt so different for as long as I can remember because I loved being outside playing with the guys rather than playing dolls or whatever! I think I finally realized why I always felt different, its because I am, and Im ok with that! I know it would be easier to not be gay, but I am not dismissing my other feelings just because society says its easier that way! So...just be yourself. Try not to stress over what you are. People define others who are gay by saying "oh that gay guy.." or whatever, but the truth is, that is only a very small fraction of who you are. You are an awesome, intelligent, articulate guy...and Im sure you are so much more than that! So, try not to worry so much about it!

It doesnt define who you are!
Posted 3/20/2008 1:28 AM (GMT 0)
@getting by - Sure, I'm going to focus on my studies first! I guess it's not my time to take care of these things yet. :-) I think I just need to wait for sometime to clarify my feelings, it's just too much confusing. (cough) Thanks for the reply :-) God bless and take care always!

@Howlyncat - It's okay :-) God bless and take care always!

@Sherrine - Oh yea that's the same feeling that I felt towards that girl. I have lots of male and female friends (but they're not actually close to me at all) but she's different from them all. Once I was so hilarious of thinking about this thing, I just thought of something weird that I want to marry her, how ridiculous! Thank you very much for the compliment about my English, and still hoping I could make it better though. May I ask how are you now with your husband? Is he the person you said earlier? Thanks for the reply! God bless and take care always.

@TeNNiSd0C09 - You just said it very well, thank you very much! You gave me an idea of what you've posted,

"I always felt different, its because I am, and Im ok with that! I know it would be easier to not be gay, but I am not dismissing my other feelings just because society says its easier that way! So...just be yourself. Try not to stress over what you are. People define others who are gay by saying "oh that gay guy.." or whatever, but the truth is, that is only a very small fraction of who you are. You are an awesome, intelligent, articulate guy...and Im sure you are so much more than that! So, try not to worry so much about it! "

Thank you very much! We have similar feelings, I just want to know why God created beings like us? I mean who are confused with their sexual orientation or something, maybe God has something special for us in the near future! :-)
Posted 3/20/2008 3:01 AM (GMT 0)
I believe God does have plans for us, for everyone. I am a believer when it comes to things happening for a reason and God has a purpose for us, otherwise we would not be here, at least thats how I think of it...

I have been through alot and I always figured that the time would come for me to say, "Oh...now I know why I went through that..." As bad as things have been, I have found good out of it. For example, I found everyone here! I have found support. I have learned to use my voice and talk out loud to people. (that is still limited..but I have gotten a few things out!) I was compassionate and understanding before, but now I have more of that because of what I have experienced. My life goal no matter what has ALWAYS been to help others. Thats it. So, I thought to myself that maybe the reason I have gone through so much is so that it will help me to help others... and it has a few times!

If I am ever to fully recover... I want to go around to schools and stuff and talk about experiences and help others. I was in pursuit of being a doctor, but now I am thinking I want to be a teacher as well as a school counselor. I think that would be a great way to help people and have a positive influence on others.

So... what I am trying to say is that God has a reason for everything. And I believe bad things happen for good reasons and I have already seen some of it so... I have faith in that. So, just stay with it and be true to yourself. I know I have become a better person from all of this because I have learned so much and I relate so well to many people so... You will be fine and we are here to help you! Theres no judgement and you are free here to be yourself! You only live once so...!

Take Care of Yourself!
Posted 3/20/2008 3:44 AM (GMT 0)
Yes you are very right about that! No doubt, you can really relate or empathize other's feelings with your experiences, being a school counselor would be a good idea! I hope that I could somehow find the happiness that I've been longing and searching for in my life, so as everyone here!
Posted 3/20/2008 10:46 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Shane,

I think focussing on your studies at the moment is a great idea. You are still young and the whole world is at your feet. Keep in close contact with your special girl friend and simply see if something happens. Let nature take its course. You will know if it feels right... you will just know. As you complete your studies, things may simply become clearer all by themselves. If not, then you can use the added age (and therefore wisdom and worldly knowledge) to help de-mystify the situation. (And we will all be there for you as well if you want us to)

All the best

Darren

Posted 3/20/2008 1:20 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Shane,
You will get through this, I think you have been given some wonderful advice. One day at a time, and please keep studying, as Darren said, the rest will fall into place.

Tennis, I think you would make a very good counselor or psycologist. You have so much good advice for people now and you are very compassionate. Good luck on what ever you decide.

I hope that you both keep posting, it is wonderful to have youjg adults on here. Not that we are old fougies LOL but the youth is refreshing.

Luv and hugs to you both,
Karen
Posted 3/20/2008 3:15 PM (GMT 0)
Oh yeah I will now focus with my studies. Well again thank you very much for giving me advices, it's been a pleasure to be with these helpful and very caring people! I won't forget this experience ever! :-) I wish you all luck and blessings to you and your families!

Once again thank you very much for everything! It's very much appreciated! It really gave me idea on how to deal with this problem.

Blessed be and Merry part!

-Shane
Posted 3/20/2008 6:02 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, Shane!  I'll answer your questions.  Yes, I married the young man I told you about and we had three beautiful children together.  We were married for 28 years and he passed away suddenly.  I've been a widow for 10 years and I still love him very much but I know we will be together again someday.

 

My husband suffered from depression but we didn't realize it back then.  People didn't talk about depression like they do today.  Once we realized what it was, he got help and finally found the happiness he had been searching for his entire life!  He told me that ever since he could remember, he always felt that he was different from everyone else.  He was more withdrawn than most of the guys I dated but he was so intelligent.  So, maybe that's why you are confused.  As everyone has said, just focus on your studies right now.  That is very important at your age.  

 

Shane, I was a teacher and English was my minor in college.  Believe me, you are doing great with it!  I have a young man, around your age, that I sponser through World Vision and he lives in the Phillippines, also...Quezon City, I believe.  He writes me sometimes and he does very well in his writing but you do even better.  Keep up the great work!

 

Have a wonderful day, Shane!

 

Sherrine    

Posted 3/20/2008 8:51 PM (GMT 0)

Shane,

It almost sounds like you are leaving us.  I sure hope not.  Remember even if your'e feeling good you can still pop in and talk about it.  We like uplifting posts too.

Hugs, Karen

Posted 3/21/2008 12:30 AM (GMT 0)
@Sherrine - Oh I'm very sorry to have let you recall about that bad event in your life, I should haven't asked you about your husband. I'm very happy that you were together for long time, not like my parents who got separated when I reached 13 years of age, though your husband had passed away, you're still having the courage and determination, I'm proud knowing of someone like you.

Ahh, it's good to know that you also have a Filipino student, and thank you very much for the compliments about my english, I'm planning to take the course I.T. and work abroad that's why I'm focusing in improving my communication skills.

Thank you very much for sharing your story Ms. Sherrine! And again sorry to hear about your husband and once again thank you for the compliments about my english! I appreciate everything!

Please take care always!!

Blessed be and Merry part!

@Karen - Uhmn, nope I'm not leaving this forum! I would like to stay here forever! LOL! I love this forum, especially the people who are part of it. :-) I just hope that I could also contribute help but I'm not as good as you and the others here, you may not be professionals but you people sound like pro and for me you're all pro, because you have helped me so much and made me feel better! Well still hoping that I could contribute some help though!

Please take care always!

Blessed be and Merry Part!
Posted 3/21/2008 3:07 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Shane and welcome.

Okay I'm going to talk to as a mother of a gay son and what he went through. He had girlfriends that he shared feelings for and at the same time he had feelings for other guys but kept them to himself. He dated girls for a long time and was even sexual with them. When he was 16 he really went through some changes. He was going to get married a few times and yes to different girls. Alot of that was more for show and not knowing what he wanted but now that he is older and has decided what was best for him he is a lot happier.

But I love him no matter what. I believe God doesn't make junk so how could my son be anything but spiecal.


This age is a very hard age. When my son came out and told me I told him that he was still young and dind't know what he wanted. But he did know what he wanted and wants.

Just listen to your heart, and when you talk about this girl it sounds like you really like her.

Be true to yourself. Ask for the gaudance from your wiccan Goddess and Gods and they will also help you to get the anwers you seek.

Roni

veronica, I am sorry that I had to edit your post, but the wording could have been offensive to others, though I know it wasn't meant to be.  I will explain it to you by email if that is okay with you,  Thanks for understanding.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 3/21/2008 12:26:45 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 3/21/2008 11:13 AM (GMT 0)
Welcome to the forums shane!

On some level, a can really understand the kinds of feelings you have. Even living in the US as I do, it was really difficult for me growing up and coming to terms with feelings I had about people of the same sex. It was all the more confusing because like you, I did feel "attraction" to women. I was about 20 years old before I really figured out what was going on, and having a strong system of supportive and non-judgmental friends helped.

In my case, the way I was attracted to women has never changed. I can think a woman is beautiful, and be strongly drawn to her... this is generally something I feel with strong, independent women. I always think that perhaps this is because I believe that women (at least in my culture in the US) go through a lot of things on their own whether it's having bad self-esteem because of the unhealthy images women are expected to uphold here, or just living in a society where (despite progress) many people still treat women as second class citizens. I think we are drawn to people who understand our struggles, so for me, being drawn to strong women is sort of a support for the fight that I continue to wage for equality for everyone in US society, and the world.

That is very different from the attractions I have for men, but it's not something I think I could have recognized when I was your age. And as everyone has said, you don't need to right now. Gay, bisexual, whatever words people might throw out to identify it, you don't need to commit to any of them. Give it some time, and keep up with your studies and social life. You may find yourself compelled to date girls, or guys. Doing either will help you to figure out where exactly you are meant to be.

Finally, I just want to touch quick on the idea of being attracted to men, but then being repulsed seeing them shirtless, or whatever. Those feelings are common in people having sexual identity crises, and even people who acknowledge being gay early on, and the reason for it is because you've been programmed that boys like girls, and there can't be any other way. That programming is wrong, of course, since human physiology doesn't care what bibles interpretation says, but it can take some time to work it out of your system. Any disgust or negative feeling you feel under those circumstances really comes down to your feelings of fear and/or shame related to a same sex attraction. As you are able to figure out exactly where you are at, and come to terms with it (and eventually accept it, no matter what your realizations might be) I think you'll find that it becomes less "gross" and more normal.

The warmest of welcomes to you from a 31 year old happily married gay man in the U.S. :)
Posted 3/21/2008 11:51 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for stopping in and helping Shane Talktome!!!
Posted 3/21/2008 12:03 PM (GMT 0)
Karen that's fine I was a little on the tired side when I wrote it so thank you for fixing it for me. I would never want to offend anyone.

Roni
Posted 3/21/2008 11:03 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Shane,

Welcome to the forum, I have been away for a week or so and just read your posts.

I would like to share with you some of my experiences, this is coming from me a wife of a gay man!

I'm 35 and have 2 sons age 6 and 3, I have been married for 10 yrs to a lovely man. When we met we were very shy and probably had not much experience in serious relations before this but we fell in love and got married and had the boys.

Unfortunately things were just not right after the birth of our second son, I felt quite insecure and had a lot of complications after the birth, but apart from that I just knew things were not right!

Last year my husband told me he was leaving and couldnt really give any sound reason for doing so, this destroyed me as a person. H e said he loved me but not in the same way anymore, I couldnt understand this sad

It then took 3 days for it all to come out and for him to come out, yes I was completely shocked, totally destroyed.

But do you know what a year down the road (and let me tell you it wasnt the best year,) we are the closest friends ever and he is the best daddy ever, it has been a heavy cloud lifted of off us! It is not something that i ever wanted to happen but hey that's life, I'm sitting here telling the tale, I survived, nobody died! 

My husband was confused like you are, and his family were not the nicest, he cold not talk to them either, his mother was a bully.

But you have us and never forget that, talk or speak to someone and don't push yourslf into anything you are not comfertable with. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you and let me say you will come into your own, and have a fabulous life.

I now have a new circle of friends through my estranged husband and i socialise with him and his partner, :-)

So you take care and dont worry,

Gillian x

Posted 3/21/2008 11:28 PM (GMT 0)
Shane
I am sure glad you are not leaving us
'We just found you or you us lol
I also am glad you are focusing on your studies........

TalktomeHIV is a great person and I am so glad he posted always very supportive of people and caring

You take care k and I will keep up with how you are doping

Luvs
LYN
Posted 3/22/2008 3:40 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Shane,

I think that you contribute without even knowing it.  You are very kind to others and compassionate.  We are learning through you also.  So keep posting, we love hearing from you.  You know you can always come here for advice or just to talk.  We are always close by.

I hope you have a wonderful day/night, which ever it is there at this time.

hugs, Karen

Posted 3/22/2008 5:21 AM (GMT 0)
Shane I hope everything is alright with you. There have been a few posting but no word from you.
Check in with us and lets us know you are alright. We are all here for you.

Roni
Posted 3/22/2008 5:39 AM (GMT 0)
Wow! Thank you very much everyone for the reply and help! Actually, yes I'm so much confused with my sexual orientation but when I read all your posts, I'm now relaxed and feel like I just don't need to worry about this, If I'm really meant to be like this or like that, etc. I don't care, I just need to be happy whatever happens. I guess there's no rule in humanity that says "if you are different from majority must not or can't be happy".

I just want to thank you all for the reply and help! I appreciate it all a lot! Thank you for dropping by!
Be pleased to take care always everyone!


Blessed be and merry part!!

P.S.
Thank you for giving me the idea of focusing first on my studies, maybe somehow I could finally figure this out.
And also hoping I could somehow contribute! yeah
Posted 3/22/2008 12:50 PM (GMT 0)
Shane

You are a very mature 16 year old, and I am so glad that you are more relaxed and figuring things out.

You are so right about the "if you are different",I think alot of people need to follow that rule!


((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
Posted 3/22/2008 4:39 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Shane, I want to say good morning, but I got up late,LOL.

I hope that you are having a great day/night. You are so sweet. I love reading your posts as well as others do too. As I said before you do contribute and you just don't realize it. We all care about you here and keep up the good work. Your studies are so important at this time, the rest will actually fall into place for you. No worries.

peace and hugs, Karen
Posted 3/23/2008 2:27 AM (GMT 0)
Shane, you never know, after you have finished your high-school studies you may want to come to the states for your college studies (or after your college studies in the Philipines come here to work). By then, you may know more of who you are, and in the US being gay or bisexual isn't treated the same way it is in the Philipines. It will all work itself out. You sound so wise for 16. You are also so much more relaxed and at peace than you were in your first post. You are going to go big places in this world, my friend!
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