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I think I'm falling too ... PLEASE help me !

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Posted 3/19/2008 3:00 AM (GMT 0)
When our daughter was born 10 months ago, my husband and I were soooo happy, But for the last few months, my husband is in a downward spiral and things are not getting better. He as trouble sleeping, no appetit, absolutely no patience. He's psychologicaly mean and aggressive with me and even with our child. He loose his temper very quickly and says horrible things like '' your are a nasty little thing that irritates the crap out of me '' (to our daughter) and '' You are the reason I'm like this, you annoy me and I regret even marrying you'' (to me). I know he dosen't mean the things he says because he apologise (sometimes) a few days after but I don't know what to do and how to react anymore ! I can't take this any longer, Im going down but I need to be strong for our baby, she needs me, at least until her daddy gets better. He refuse to see a doctor, says he not ready...

What should I do ? Leave with the baby for a while ? ignore him when he's in a bad mood ? pamper him ? talk back ? I'm lost !I tried to talk to him about it but it alwas turns into an ''accusation and hurtful comment fair'' from him and I end up cryi ng myself to sleep...

PLEASE HELP ME ! ! !
Posted 3/19/2008 3:15 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Neelah,

First of all, you have to do what is the best for the baby.  Weigh out the consequenses of what would happen if you stayed or what would happen if you left.  And keep the babies best interest first. 

It really sounds like he needs to talk to somebody or get on medication.  But you can't make him, he has to want to do it.  I know that it is hard watching him go through depression. 

I also think that you need to get some kind of counseling to help you get through this.  It would help you to make the right decisions.  I can't give you the answers but I could try to help you figure things out.  And there are a lot of other wonderful people on the forum and I am sure that you will get some other good responses to help you with this. 

Write your different choices down on paper with two columns.  One for pros and one for cons and see if that will help you figure out what to do.  Sometimes just writing it down helps me.

I hope that this helps you some, please keep posting.

hugs, Karen

Posted 3/19/2008 3:36 AM (GMT 0)
THANK YOU SO MUCH !!!
it's been so long since someone really listened to me ... thank you !!! I will make the lit as you suggested and see what comes of it and I will keep in touch ... once again, thank you so much for caring !
Posted 3/19/2008 4:01 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Neelah,

I am so happy that you feel better. We are always close by so post when ever you feel the need to talk so somebody. There are many good listeners on the forum.

I believe that I forgot to welcome you properly. We always like to welcome new members. So I hope you feel comfortable enough here to let things out, it is so healthy just to be able to open up.

Have a wonderful evening,
hugs, Karen
Posted 3/19/2008 11:54 AM (GMT 0)
I think Karen is spot on. Your daughters interests should come first since she cannot do anything herself. Ultimately it has to be your choice, but think about what will happen if you stay and what will happen if you go. Is it possible to go away temporarily? A condition of your return could be that he seeks help. Also bear in mind your needs as well. There are 3 people in this situation.

Posted 3/19/2008 12:16 PM (GMT 0)
Neelah

First of all welcome to the forum.

I am going to give a different opinion on this matter than what you have been given..

What your husband is doing is emotional abuse simple as that.

I do agree that you need to get some type of help, going to counseling would be a good start,but it is not just you that needs to go,he needs to get help too. This is a cycle,..think back to when you are with his family,do they do that to each other? Have you seen or heard about him doing that to someone else?

Please watch out for yourself and your child,it is not acceptable to talk to a 10 month old like that.
Is he alone with your daughter? If so,I would consider making sure he is not. If he questions you why,simply explain that you are worried about the harsh words turning into something more.

Here is some info I found awhile ago,that really makes you stop and think about your situation:

www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/
Posted 3/19/2008 2:29 PM (GMT 0)
I honestly agree with Shy on this. You and your child should not be in this situation. So put that on your list. Like she said, emotional abuse is bad enough, but can also lead to physical abuse. Either way you and your child should not have to live with something like that.

I hope that he gets help, and I think that you need help dealing with this situation.

Luv and hugs, Karen
Posted 3/20/2008 2:24 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you very much for your support !
I made a list, as suggested by Karen, and I think I will stay, for now. I honestly believe that depression it the cause of his behavior because I have been with this man for 8 years and he as never been verbally aggressive before all this, ever. I will continue to try and help him, for my daughter's sake, so she has a father in her life but since I am going back to work in May and that he will then be home with her during the day for 5 weeks, I will see how things evolve until then and if he continues to ''snap'' like this, I will ask my parents to take me and the baby in for a few weeks, while he gets things together and takes a step toward recovery. I will also do ''tests'' to see how he acts with her. I will stay in the house and ask him to take care of her while I do other things and see how things go. That way I while be able to step in if things don't go as well as they should. I think it would help if he had someone other than me to talk to but I can't force him to call his friends and these days, he doesn't feel like seeing any of them.
I will for sure keep you posted on how thing evolve and once again, thank you for being so open and being there for me, I really appreciate it.

Funny, I thought I was supposed to be the one helping others, listening, giving advice, ect (after, all, that's what I'm paid for) but now I realise I can't do it all... I'm to emotionally involved to think clearly and logically in this situation and I really appreciate having your support. I dealt with my depression on my own, without ever asking for help (stupid pride) but now that my daughter is born, I realise I need this help. I'm a counsellor but yet, I didn't even know how or where to find help for my-self. I've been hiding behind my logic and my rationnality all these years, it has now caught up with me ... and emotions are so strong and confusing, I think thats what make this situation so hard for me. I realise that my usual coping mechanism are no longer enough and I panic because I am unable to find other, more healthy, ways to communicate and to deal with things. But then if I don't learn, how am I going to teach my daughter to deal with emotions (anger is the worst one to me, I only know how to surpress it, not live it, nor accept it). I have to work on myself I know.

First things first : My daughter's well being, then mine, then my husband's. If I take things one at a time, rather than as a bunch, I will be less prone to panic (here comes my logic again).

How do I deal with anger ? how do I express it in a healthy non-treathning way so it stop eating me up inside ?

It's going to be a long road ...
Posted 3/20/2008 5:16 AM (GMT 0)
Neelah,

If there is one thing I know that you know,, its that abuse is abuse, whether physical or mental, they are both detrimental. I am sorry that your husband is going through what he is going through but you must understand, if you allow it, cater to his behavior, he will never seek help. He needs and altimatum. You and your baby do not need to go through that stuff.

In my experience when men start getting like this, it only gets worse, goes from mental abuse to physical abuse. I have two sisters who married abusive men. The problem was the men were not abusive when they married them. After marriage, it started out as mental abuse and esculated to physical abuse, and that physical abuse only got much worse.

One sister was able to make the decision to leave. My other sister lives in hell with her husband, she has been with him 13 years and he continues to get worse, but she won't leave him. Says she loves him, thats not love, its sentimentality. Love does whats best for the other person and sometimes that means letting go so that they have to make a choice. Your husband has to make a choice; unfortunately he's not going to do it, if he doesn't see that he has to. Please don't enable that behavior. Your baby deserves better, you deserve better.

You say you are a counselor. Have you ever been to counseling yourself. I know many counselors do that. You don't have to contiune to pretend to be this strong person. If you are experiencing turmoil, or inability to express your emotions properly, you really should talk with someone. Its not a weakness. Sometimes things get beyond our control, thats why God gives us people. Because He knows we are not going to be able to do it all on our own and thats ok.

Pressing
Posted 3/20/2008 10:52 AM (GMT 0)
If that is your decision then I, of course, respect that. I think it is a well thought out decision and it sounds like a good one to me. Please have the courage and conviction to stick to it though. There is nothing wrong with using logic to solve problems but sometimes we become too close to the problem that the logic we are using is actually warped and we cannot see it. Remember we are always here and that everyone needs help sometimes. Moderators here, help and support people, but we also need help sometimes... just in the same way you do.

Please keep in touch

Darren

Posted 3/20/2008 10:56 AM (GMT 0)
Neelah
I think you are taking huge steps to get your life back in order.

We often don't ask for help,but we all need it at some point,and that does not make us weak...in fact I think that someone that asks for help is very strong.

I hope that your husband sees the light and gets the help he needs..please keep us posted on how things are going and stay strong!
Posted 3/20/2008 1:12 PM (GMT 0)
Neelah,

First of all I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I think about you often and wonder how it is going.

Is there any way you could be objective in this situation and counsel him without him realizing it? Do you think that he needs some anger management classes? I just hope he isn't being abusive anymore. I would hate to see anything bad happen to you or your baby.

Keep in touch, we are here for you.

luv and hugs, Karen
Posted 3/20/2008 4:07 PM (GMT 0)
Unfortunately, my husband refuse to talk to me about what he's feeling or what is wrong. I am to involved to be objective anyway. I thought of asking one of his friends for help but that would mean I would have to tell his friend, behind my husband's back, what is going on ... I don't think he would like that and it might reinforce his idea that I think I'm better then him. I'm just so tired of thinking... what happens if I do, what happens if I don't, what the solutions can be, what are the possible outcomes, what strategies could be used and how to apply them, ect. I just want to lay under a rock and sleep it out for a while ! that's a little bit selfish I know, I'm just tired of being the thinker. I have one friend I think might be able to help me figure things out (her husband is my husband's friend as well) but I don't want to bother her right now, she just had a baby and I know that it is a big adjustement for her right now. I don't want to get my parents involved because then they will worry (my father worries a lot, about anything) and even when things do get better, they will always be suspicious of my husband and I would hate that. I don't have many friends but that has nothing to do with my husband : I just don't trust people and I'm always afraid of being hurt or bothering others. Thats why I chose internet : no attachements, no face to face and I know that people that reply to it because they want to, not because they feel obligated to. My husband has 4 days of starting tomorrow so maybe he will be more relaxed and we cant have a talk about all this.If possible, I will try to find a good moment to speak to him about how I am concerned about his behavior and well being and how I feel in this situation. I don't think he will listen (will probably cut the conversation short because he can't handle ANY criticism these days, and me telling him how his behavior make me angry and scared and sad will probably be seen as a criticism on his part, as usual) but I will see. If he starts to scream again, I will ask for a break. It would be easier if he left because then my daughter and I would not have to live elsewhere but if he refuse to leave, I will. I'm just to tired to continue like this ... I'll keep you all posted.
Thank you so much for your support !
Posted 3/20/2008 4:28 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Neelah,

I think that you have an idea there about talking to him and if he loses his temper, then maybe some space is needed. Maybe then he will get some help. I imagine that he is getting edgy around others as well. Especially if this is a depression issue. I really hope that you can work this out for the baby. Remember, keep her best interest at heart, and you can't go wrong.

Luv and hugs, Karen
Posted 3/22/2008 1:10 PM (GMT 0)
Neelah

Please stop and listen for one minute...

You are in a situation to where you need help simple as that.
So,at this point in your life and your daughter's life,who cares if he gets upset that you talk to someone.
Quite frankly, if your parents keep a close eye on him from now on..good. He is in no position to question that with what he has done.

Please talk to your parents,someone that can step in and see what is going on.
Posted 3/22/2008 4:58 PM (GMT 0)
Shy is right on spot with this one, I hope that you listen to her, you don't deserve to be treated this way. Think of your little one and how it is effecting her.

I hope that you find some help, it is so important for you.

Luv and hugs, Karen
Posted 3/24/2008 11:12 AM (GMT 0)
Neelah

Just checking in to see how you are doing??
Posted 3/25/2008 1:55 AM (GMT 0)
Well, sunday night my arents babysitted the baby and we had a long conversation. At first he didn't want to talk (as I thought) and started to blame me for everything, trying to talk louder than me, wich usually works because as soon as he raise hs voice, I usually leave the room but this time, my daughter was not there to hear the argument and so I was really firm. When he started his ''blame-game'' I told him it would not work this time because I felt I had nothing to lose anymore. He said '' well, you could lose ME '' and I replied '' I don' know how much of a lost it would be anymore'' He just stopped, with a puzzled look on his face and I told him that my mind was made up that if he didin't change, really REALLY soon, I was leaving with the baby. His only choice was to listen to me for once or lose me this second. I was actually louder than him and I told him everything that was on my mind for so long and he listened ! When I finished, he tried the ''well, you never...'' but I stoped him and told him that the blame game was over and I just wasn't going to let him take te easy road of blaming everything on other to avoid looking at his own stuff, he did that for way to long already. As expected, he went to hide in the basement, saying I was just being negative and exagerating things... but a few hours later he came back upstairs and said '' ok, so you are right. I am being selfish and aggressive and I'm not saying everything is my fault but yes I need help. I'll take to a doctor about my trouble sleeping and I will tell him about my mood-swings. I'm sorry, I should have taken the time to see your point of view, I never did before and I was being a jerk.'' I told him I was very happy he finnally understand the world does not evolve around him but words, although very nice to hear, are not enough and that if he doesn't see a doctor before April 1s, I'm taking the baby away.
I'ts the first time I stand up for myself like this, because i am affraid of my own anger but this time, I was so tired of the situation that I figured '' so what if he leaves ? '' I am very proud of myself.
Since, he is very nice. Still always tired and impatint but at least when he feels he's oing to lose it, he tells me and goes to an other room to take deep breaths. Now, I will see if he keeps his promise to see a doctor. I know some people will think he won me over with a promise he won't keep but I am determined to leave if he doesn't go so I'm very determine to get to the bottom of all this and make things better for me and for my baby.
Posted 3/25/2008 2:45 AM (GMT 0)
Nelah
I am so gald that you had this long needed talk with him. I truly hope that he will follow through with what he has said, for all of your sakes.

I would definately stick to your guns with this. So that he knows you are not kidding and really seeks the help that he needs at this point in his life.
Good for you for letting your cooped up feelings out, I bet it felt good to do that too.
Some things just can't be left unsaid no matter how painful.

Wishing you all the best

Pressing
Posted 3/25/2008 3:23 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Neelah,

That took guts. And I am so proud of you. Like Pressing said, stick to your guns. It sounds like he is going to get help and I am so happy for you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 3/25/2008 11:54 AM (GMT 0)
Neelah

That was an awesome move!! And you should be proud of yourself.
He pushed you to your breaking point,and I am sure it really made him step back and think.

Good for you!!!! Stay firm,and I hope that he gets the help he needs.

We will all be crossing our fingers for you,please let us know how you are doing.
Posted 3/28/2008 1:50 AM (GMT 0)
I have spoken to a friend about my husband's situation today. Her husband is also a friend of my husband and so she spoke to her husband about all this and they (my husband and his friend) are going out tomorrow, to watch the game and have a beer. I hope it puts him in a better mood because for the last 2 days, he has been a royal pain in the butt. He is ok with the baby and he doesn't get mad at her but he still speaks to me in a harsh tone and aggressively. I reminded him of my ultimatum and he says he will go but somehow I'm starting to doubt that he will. Maybe he secretly regrats having the baby and my ultimatum of leaving with the baby is a blessing for him. Maybe that's what he wishes for but is to ashamed to admit it.
To be very honnest, right now, I don't know if I still love him. I know that a pretty big thing to say but thats the truth. Maybe my feelings fo him are hidden because I'm so tired and mad and sad and all, but I'm really affraid th I might never be able to forget what he is putting us through right now and that my love for him is really gone. I suggested couple counselling but he refuse to, because he says once I work out my own stuff, things will be better (like everything is my fault ! I don't believe that). I really hope that his ''guys night out'' will help because he is driving me nut !!!
Posted 3/28/2008 3:43 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Neelah,

It is sounding like he doesn't want to take any responsibility for his actions. Just don't let him shift the blame to you in your mind. Because you are really trying hard to make it work.

Hopefully, as you said, this boys night out will help the situation. Is his friend planning to talk to him about your situation at home or is this just to see if getting out will change something in the way that he is acting? Either way I hope that it helps.

Hugs,
Karen
Posted 3/28/2008 11:18 AM (GMT 0)
Neelah

I think it is normal for you to question how you feel about him. Being around that abuse would make anyone question their feelings.

Just remember that you and your baby deserve the best,so do what you think you need to.

Please keep us posted,we are all very worried about you.
Posted 4/1/2008 6:34 PM (GMT 0)
My husband has a doctor's appointement on April 4th. Since we had the discusion, he is still on a ''shorter fuse'' but he tells me before getting angry and he goes downstairs to take deep breath. He has not snaped at me nor the baby since and he even does some work around the house ! he is still feelngs down and tired and all but he seem to see he is not tht center of the universe. Now I just have to see what the doctor says and what he will do with the diagnosis.
thank you so much for you support guys !
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