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How else do I try to help him understand?

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Posted 4/20/2008 2:31 AM (GMT 0)
My fiance and I have been together for about 6 years and the whole time I have suffered from depression and anxiety. Most of the time I handled it okay on my own. That was until I had my son 2 years ago. Then I went into a downward spiral. I had post pardum depression on top of my regular depression and it was hell for both of us, let me tell you. Since then I have been put on medications galore and have been seeing a counselor. We have even seen this coundelor together a few times. She has tried to give him a better understanding and explanation of what the depression and anxiety disorders are but he still seems really lost on the subject. I have been hospitalized 2 times since having my son just for the depression alone. Not to mention having two surgeries and then having some other problems that caused me to be in the hospital another time also. So then it has been a couple of up and down years. Mostly down though. My doctor and I have been working with my medications to try and get them just right. My sex drive is totally messed up still, two years later, and he doesn't understand that is partially because of the drugs. I have tried to explain to him how i feel in couple of different ways but it is like talking to a wall because he just doesn't seem to get it at all. He says that he understands but then he does stuff that is not understanding at all.yes i have asked him how he feels and he never really responds directly. it is always " i wouldn't be here if i didn't eant to be" and that is an okay statement to a point but it doesn't tell me a whole lot about how he feels about the whole ordeal. i know that he is trying to be understanding and all and i know that it must be hard and tiring. i admire him greatly for sticking with me for so long. i think that maybe i am waiting for him to leave me or in my words to run away. I feel like i am using him up and i know that it is not all about me that is why i am doing a trial seperation. all my idea of couse and he doesn't like any part of it. Mostly for him because he seemed to be getting so angry all the time and that wasn't doing any of us any good. we are starting to talk and get along a little better and his interactions with our son are way better. he doesn't seem to yell all the time at anyone or anything, but we are far from being back together. Does anyone else have any ideas on how I can make him see or understand how painful and time consuming and energy consuming this depression is for me or any other advise?

Posted 4/20/2008 2:41 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Sugar,

Are you wanting to explain the depression, or the reason that you seperated? Though I see that is because of the depression and you felt it wasn't fair to him. Are you thinking about yourself, or him first. You really need to think about you. It seems that you all want to make it right for him.

If he is yelling all of the time, maybe he is depressed too. You said that he is interacting with your son more now. Wasn't he before? I somehow think he might need some counseling too. It sounds like you have been working very hard at this relationship, where maybe he needs to also.

That is just my humble opinion... I could be way off base. Maybe I am reading more into this than I should.

Please don't blame yourself for everything.

hugs, Karen
Posted 4/20/2008 2:09 PM (GMT 0)

Karen,

i have often thought that maybe he does need some individual couseling of his own also, but he says that he dosent. He says that he was depressed at times but that he isn't anymore now that we are seperated. he says that he is just angry with me alot of the time. i know that i am thinking of him alot of the time but that is the way i am. i am also thinking of myself by doing the seperation thing. i am trying to find myself again. to make myself better and get my confidence and independence back. i seem to have lost everything in the last 2 years of depending on him for everything.

now he didn't seem to interact with his son very much before and now he has to interact with him every other weekend.

my biggest thing in the rambling mess was how else do i try to help him get a better understanding on what i am going trough with this depression that seems to go on forever.

Posted 4/20/2008 3:46 PM (GMT 0)
Maybe you could sit down and write how you feel on a piece of paper and read it too him. I know that is hard, but try it. Or find him some information on the internet. Another thing that you could do is have him go to another counseling session with you and have your counselor explain it to him. I want to say that women get more depressed than men, though that isn't alwys the case. But I think he needs some counseling too. Maybe seeing your counselor would get him thinking. I know that this isn't much help, but it might make a difference. It is so hard to explain depression. People think that you can just shake it off, but you can't. Even though he is angry with you, he shouldn't be yelling all of the time. He should miss you and do what ever he can to get you back home. That is just my opinion.

Have him read some of the posts on here, maby you can find a list of symptoms or something. Or look for a good book over the internet.

I really wish you luck with this, I think that it will work out for the best. It doesn't sound like he is being very compassionate with you right now, which makes it his issue, not yours, I think he needs more help than he thinks. and you can't change him. He has to do that. So maybe you are taking on his problems when you should focus on you and the baby.

I know that you love him, and want to make things right, but this might be his problem and not yours.

just keep going to counseling, have you asked your counselor about this issue? I am sure that she/he could come up with a good answer.

Keep us posted, write back and let me know what you think.

Luv and hugs, Karen
Posted 4/20/2008 4:53 PM (GMT 0)
iowasugar, Welcome to HealingWell  

 I have found the support, validation and encouragement that I receive here, to be so helpful and healing. I hope and trust that will be your experience as a member of the HW family.

I am Kitt and I have depression and have lived with it for 28 years now. What I first noted in your post was your comment "My fiance and I have been together for about 6 years ". I wondered why you would be together for 6 years, have a son and not take the leap of faith and get married?  Now I am not being judgemental and just living together with a significant other without marriage is acceptable but then why are you engaged? You of course owe me no explanation, I am just tossing out a thought.

I am headed toward committment with my wanderings. :)  My husband does not understand the depression and there are times he is beside himself trying to figure out how to deal  with my depression but he is still supportive and will even go to the physicians with me and speak up on my behalf.

I think you made the right choice by seperating for now. You must do this for you and your son thow, not for your fiancee as he needs to deal with his issues and first he must accept that he has issues and face them.

You sweetie need to work on you and how to move on with your life and your sons.  Someday you and your fiancee may work things out but right now you are being very wise and brave and learning to advocate for you.  I am very proud of you. I know it is heart breaking when people don't understand but we here all understand so stick with us.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt


Posted 4/21/2008 12:18 AM (GMT 0)
thanks to both kitt and karen for their very understanding replys. they have seen my sense in doing the things i have done and i am taking this seperation for me and my son, not just for him. i do believe that my fiance needs to go to some counseling on his own and deal with whatever it is that he needs to deal with so that he can be more compassionate and understanding in this issue and with his sons. i have invited him to more sessions with me and my counselor and he is now always saying that he has to work which he does but he used to take some time off so that he could go with me.

i want to work on me and my issues, which i am, but i don't want to lose us.

by the way we are supposed to get married this september.

Posted 4/21/2008 3:11 AM (GMT 0)
I think that by working on your issues, you are saving your family. I think that you are trying really hard and that he needs to try too. I hope that in time he will see things your way and get some help with his attitude. I believe that he loves you and with that he will try. Maybe it is taking him a little longer to understand everything.

Oh yes, congradulations on your upcoming nuptuals (sp).

hugs, Karen
Posted 4/21/2008 9:39 PM (GMT 0)
thanks again karen.  hopefully the nuptuals will happen.

Posted 4/21/2008 10:21 PM (GMT 0)
I think that it will happen, there is plenty of time for him to come around and get some help with the issues at hand. Whatever is meant to be will. So you keep your chin up and you will get through this. All of you will.

Keep posting and let us know how everything is going.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/27/2008 7:48 PM (GMT 0)
i don't know if the nuptuals will happen. i brought up the subject of where we would live the other night and there was no compromising on his part there. i said that i would like to stay living near my family and he said that he wanted to stay in the town where he lived which is 30 min away and where he works. i brought up somewhere in between and he flat out refused. i just don't feel like i am making any progress at anything that i am trying. i am still trying to work on my things and that is going as well as can be expected being as i am so stressed out with everything. i am trying my best here.

Posted 4/28/2008 10:41 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Sugar,

I am sorry that your husband is being so stubborn with this issue.  He could at least compromise in this situation.  Is he actually going to be farther from work too?

I would assume that you are having second thoughts on getting married, due to his attitude.  I can't say that I blame you, this could be just the beginning.

I hope that things work out good for you.  I know that you are trying very hard.  But it takes two to tango. 

Keep trying to do what is best for you and your son.  That is what is most important.  Hopefully he will get some help with his moods. 

Just remember that we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen

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