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Posted 5/12/2008 4:29 PM (GMT 0)
It is raining and dreary, and once again I am depressed.  I am getting ready to go with my daughter to the doc for her prenatal testing.  I have mixed emotions about this pregnancy but one thing is for sure, I love my grandchild to be already!

 

I am tired of holding on to the past because it only hurts mre and I am comig to the realization that I am the only one still feeling what I do and it has got to stop.  I am trying so hard to realize that what I had is over, it is hard but the actions of the one I will love forever are proof that I am the only one that is hurting as much as humanly possible.  I guess it is time to do as everyone else in this world does, forget everything that ever meant the world to you and crunch it up into a ball and throw it away like trash, everyone does this, I just thought that certain love always remained in the heart.  After all the mistakes and careless, thoughtless acts, it is true, there is no love like I thought, and I am like everyone else.

 

I am really quite bitter and unfeeling right now.  I realize that I must shed this skin and move on.  That is what I have to do, I am so sad.

Posted 5/12/2008 5:21 PM (GMT 0)
Teresa,
The weather is just awful. No wonder you feel blue. Circumstances just aren't great right now--I can totally relate. Moving on and making changes just is miserable. It seems like you can't control anything, even though you desperately want too. SO the only thing you can do is change yourself, and accept the rest.
You love this man, but he has moved on. You cant change him, but you can change how you react. Changing how you react is awfully hard. But if you start small it will get easier. So today when you start to think about him and how you wish it was, just stop and think of something you can control--like your relationship with your daughter and new grandchild. Think of how much fun it is going to hear your grandchild for the first time, of things you can do, something other than the guy that is tearing your heart out.
Hope this helps.
Lynne
Posted 5/12/2008 6:15 PM (GMT 0)
Faithful,

Deep within there will always be love, always. Sometimes it is just covered up by thoughts and emotions. I agree with Lynne, as hard as it might be, try to go with the flow of life. Struggling will make things worse.

Just try to love the trees, feel how you share a place on this earth. Try to feel connected to all life surrounding you, and beyond. After all, we are all just organisms crawling, flying, swimming are laps on this earth. That is true love. Love that covers all.

Hold on!
Erik
Posted 5/13/2008 4:01 PM (GMT 0)

Teresa,

How wise Erik is and Lynn too.  :-) To me it is about trying to stay in the moment and living in the present.  I too know that is not easy today and there are days that the task seems to darn hard. 

Time dulls the pain but you must go through this in your own time frame.  Just keep on taking those babysteps and make life good for you.  You cannot change the past, remember the good times and try to let go of the bad. Make some plans for you, little plans but something that will make you feel good.  Count your positive steps and see how far you have come. :-)

You know I believe in you and I know you to be a special person with great compassion.  Continue to share yourself  with others.  Anyone who meets you will be lucky you came into their lives even if only for a moment. Bless you my friend.

Gentle Hugs
Kitt

Posted 5/13/2008 5:43 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Teresa,

Its such a shame that the weather is wet and horrible. That cant be helping your mood. I understand what you mean when you say that you want to screw it up and throw it away... in time you will be able to, but you cant rush yourself. When you are ready to let go, you will let go. Unfortunately until that time comes you have to live with it and that is probably harder than letting go.

Always know that we are here and we all care for you.

Darren

Posted 5/13/2008 6:27 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you guys for your posts.  I guess what I am feeling is more anger than anything.  There are times when I feel sad about what I had and then I get really mad because even though I was a complete idiot, our love after all was different than any othet.  I know that I put him through a lot but I guess I just expected that we would be there in the long run.  I know some things that I probably shouldnt and it makes the transition somewhat easier plus I kow for a fact that he is going on without me and all the words were lies, I guess I wasnt the only one that hurt someone.

 

I will be ok, I am trying, really trying.

 

Something wonderful happened yesterday.  I got to hear the baby's heartbeat!!  I was actually the first person to hear it.  Of course I cried and thanked God for the experience that my daughter and I had shared at that very moment.  I called her later that evening and told her how much I loved her.

 

I see my doc tomorrow and I am not going to leave that ofice without being heard!!!!  I am having horrible nightmares and thoughts and "we" need to find a way to feel better. I am going to talk to him once again about the brain surgery.  If I dont get anywhere with him then I will look for another doctor.  I really want to feel better so that I can be the girl I used to be so many years ago.

Posted 5/13/2008 6:45 PM (GMT 0)

Teresa..Push the 'pause' button for a moment..now then, all is not lost you know..it's just that some of us take longer to get over things than others  eyes and sometimes we have to go thru the 'horrible' to know what the good feels like :-)

Today you given a gift..an appreciation of a new life coming into the world...refocusing your energies on something positive like this will help greatly...managing to put all those horrible feelings into a box at the back of the wardrobe is your next challenge..I know you can do it and Want to eh?

Going to a counselor might help..and going to see your doc could help too..but don't give up on yourself ok... yeah Start journaling positive things that  happen everyday and I am sure in no time you will realise that life is not so bad :-)

Maree

Posted 5/14/2008 1:35 AM (GMT 0)
Teresa,
I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. I think most people on this board have related or can relate to what you are going through. It is hard to let go of the past when you put your heart and soul into it. It's hard to just throw that away, even when you know you should. Sometimes hope can really kill us if in fact, the situation is hopeless. But you have to take care of yourself and begin to move on, as you said. How to do that, I really am not sure. I guess it just helps to know that you loved all you could, and you gave the most that you could give. There was never a shortage of faith or love that came from you. In the end , though, people do change, and you cannot do much about that. You've got to know when to quit, so as to maintain your sanity.

I hope everything works out for you and that as time goes on, your pain will ease. I wish you the best of luck.
Posted 5/14/2008 12:43 PM (GMT 0)
Teresa,

I also think that Erik makes a lot of sense, living for the moment, observing all around us, feeling connected with nature. That all helps us to move on.

I am so happy that you got to hear the babies heartbeat. That is such a wonderful thing and the closeness of you and your daughter. Things are really looking up for you right now, whether you can see it or not.

Keep persuing options with your doctor. As Shy always says, sometimes it is the situation around us. You might have to make some minor adjustments to change your way of thinking. Either way, I still pray for you and wish you the best.

hugs, Karen
Posted 5/14/2008 1:35 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you guys for the replies.  This journey has been extremely hard and at times thoughts imaginable.  Yes, I guess moving on is what I have to do now.  It has been several months since the last contact and I guess I have finally come to the realization that the love and feelings he felt are locked away with someone else and I was always second choice.  I refuse to be second choice anymore.  My attitude however has not changed and I will have a wall up for a long time.  I cannot believe how numb and uncaring I am towards having any relationship.  I dont care if I am alone, that is new for me.

 

I am getting ready to go to my doc.  I havre a list of things that I feel need to be addressed and I will not leave until they are ALL addressed.

 

Now for the great news, I got to talk to my sister yesterday, she is almost like herself but her memory is very bad.  I got her to laugh and talk quite a bit.  I told her that I was going through my boxes and I found several books and cards that she had sent me when I was going through my second divorce.  She asked me if I remembered that song she sent me.  She said, " always remember the lion king song that reminds me of you"  Now that she remembered and we are talking over 10 years ago.  I actually teared up and told her how much I love her.  I want to go see her so bad but financially there is no way possible.  I told her that I would be down as soon as humanly possible.

 

Of course I washed my car yesterday and of course it is going to ran, why do I even try?

Posted 5/14/2008 7:25 PM (GMT 0)

Teresa,

Didn't you know that happens to all of us?  Either that or put laundry on the line, it will rain for sure.  How come every time I have my hands in dish water, my nose itches?  Has that ever happened to you?  I think that it is called murphey's law.   Or some call it life.  That kind of cracked me up.  Because that sounds so much like myself.

Have a great day.   Good luck at the doctor's.

hugs, Karen

Posted 5/14/2008 10:13 PM (GMT 0)

Im with Karen on this one! I have heard of Murphy's Law but here in the UK we call it Sod's Law. Same thing though. I put the washing out, it rains. I put a coat on, the sun comes out. I take precautions, I dont need them but if I dont take precautions I get caught out. Its just one of those facts of life that we all have to accept unfortunately!

Im glad to hear that your sister is doing well. I guess her memory will return slowly in time. Compared to where you were only a short while ago with your sister things have come such a long way. I so pleased for you and your sister.

Posted 5/14/2008 10:59 PM (GMT 0)
Teresa,
What a wonderful thing to hear your grandchild's heartbeat for the first time. It made me think back to the days when I heard my little ones heart beat for the first time. That was so long ago.
Any word on the job front? I really appreciate when you post about that, as your feelings are so similar to my husbands. He blew a phone interview with a headhunter today. It was a disaster.
Anyway--praying for you...
Lynne
Posted 5/16/2008 10:13 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you guysfor making me feel less isolated when it comes to back luck.  Sorry I have not written in awhile but I have been really depressed. Had a visit with my doc that didnt go well and the last couple days I have spiraled somewhat. Alot on my mind more bad than good so I have been really trying not to get worse.

 

My girlfriend hit 2 deer today so I spent the day with her trying to getr her car and things figured out.  She is ok but you know with depression, it is traumatic for everything to happen especially things such as this.

 

Well It is friday and I am not sure what I am doing, a movie and glass of wine sounds good

Posted 5/16/2008 11:53 PM (GMT 0)
Teresa,
Wine and a movie sounds like a great idea. I broke out the wine and am sitting in front of the tv with my puppy.
Lynne
Posted 5/17/2008 10:53 AM (GMT 0)
I don't know exactly since when i am dealing depression or if is depression but doctor said like this. I am female, collegue student now that has been in best classes all school time and big competition between collegues and the teachers had favorurite ones and they didn't paid too much attention to the students that weren't too active. I wasn't too active because my way was always to be shy and i had sad times cos of this, because i lost a lot being like this, when i had to write to exams i managed very good but when i had to talk i had problems, even i knew the lessons i couldn't manage to focus on what i was saying cos i was paying attention more to the ractions from those around..anyways this and a less comunication in family i didn't thought that time i needed help and i considered myself so bad, so here i am in collegue having crisis moments. I was to the best group in an university..lets say for smart people, and at a moment i couldn't pull myself out anymore from situations that made me sad because they were getting harder and i wasn't a child anymore, i started have responsabilities also, and was enough just a week missing classes then i felt guilty, less than collegues (i already felt that all time) i don't deserve being there, they were asking what's with me i was ashame to recognize, and i couldn't handle the eyes of disappointment and being considered less and i slowly started to miss all classes, was like i was running away instead of faicing things. I was always hidding feelings i have and i was always consider i have to suffer myself cos i thought i don't deserve to much attention, and i was always too good to people and didn't recieved back same. Parents were in shock they didn't knew anything didn't expected this from me since all time i was a good student, they were reacting nice but i couldn't stop feeling i had disappoint them, and i had to restart some classes but i couldn't pull myself trought too much and couldn't feeling better of myself, i am still young maybe i need time and i have a boyfriend now that supports me and it does matter having someone near that understands you, i made some steps but i am not yet healed.
Posted 5/17/2008 11:55 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Teresa

The deer are crazy here in Iowa,I swear I counted 11 on the side of the road last weekend when I went to spend Mother's Day with my family.

Wine and a movie are a great time,except I always fall asleep!
Hope you can get out and enjoy the weather this weekend.
Posted 5/18/2008 1:46 AM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone,

really depressed tonight.  My doctor has decided to take me off my meds and he suggests that my vns be checked because he notices a lot of vibration in my vocal cord region and thinks that there may be a problem there as well.  He says tht my voice seems a lot more raspier within the last few months.

As far as the meds go, my biggest fear is that I am on the outside going through detox.  I told him that I wanted to be better or else I couldnt keep going this route.  He says that if  get worse, make sure I go to the hospital, yea like that will happen!

I am tired of my weekends being alone and not able to look forward to any thing.  I guess I am slowly but surely getting numb to the feelings that I have held onto for W.  I guess I realize that he loves someone else more than me and that he is gone.  I am trying to forget him because I know that is what he wants me to do.

Well kinda tired, not much sleep the last few weeks.

Posted 5/25/2008 12:37 AM (GMT 0)
Teresa,
How are you doing? I haven't seen a posting from you in a few days. Hope you are doing well. Did I tell you I got a puppy for Mothers Day? She is absolutely the cutest thing in my world. She is only 4 pounds and a cuddly little thing. She already knows her name and will come when called. When things seem bad, I hold her real tight, and she snuggles up underneath my neck.
My husband wanted me to have something to make me happy after so many months of sadness.
He had another interview. We are praying hard.
Please let us know how you are doing....
Lynne
Posted 5/25/2008 12:56 AM (GMT 0)
Yes Teresa,

Where have you been? I hope everything is going well for you. Let us know. It has been quite a few days and we haven't heard from you.

Lynn,

Your puppy seems just wonderful. I have two dogs, and I just love them both and they love me back unconditionally. Aren't they such a comfort?

Hugs to you both,
Karen
Posted 5/28/2008 1:17 AM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone,

it has been awhile since I have even been on my computer.  In fact I think that last day I posted on HW was the last time I was on this.

Anyway, going through the change in meds and having somewhat of a difficult time.  I was advised by my counselor to take some of the meds I was taken off because she didnt understand why my doctor would go cold turkey with me w/o hopitalization.  She seemed concerned and I told her that I was not surprised because once again I have fallen into the cracks of noncaring professionals.  I told her that I thought about going back to the psych doc I had at the hospital because he seemed more "humane".  I am just so confused.

This past weekend was as usual, sad and lonely.  I had my son with me so it was a good weekend because of him.  I have kept myself busy with laying flooring in my kitchen and bath.  It looks so pretty, I have done so many things around the house that I am starting to think that I will never get out of this hermit mode.  I really have thought about things in my life lately and I am not sure where to go.  I feel alone with noone to guide me through this car thing and other difficult things.

My stepfather had a heart attack last week but he is ok so far.  My daughter is doing good with her pregnancy, so just glows.  I guess with nothing to really look forward to in my life, I look forward to my little grandbaby.

I am going Friday to have my implant turned off and possibly schedule a date to have it removed. Another thing that is really scary that I will take on alone.  I am really worried about how I am going to do with all this change in my life.  I have to say I am actually scared to be by myself, for the first time in a long time, I am really feeling as if I am the only person on this earth except for all the bad s--t that is happening in my world.

I pray everyday for my faith to be just a little stronger at least for one more day.

 

Im ok though you guys, it made me happy to see that you guys  were  missing me.

Posted 5/28/2008 3:49 AM (GMT 0)
Oh yes Teresa,

We truly do miss your posts. Though I understand how you feel sometimes you just can't get on the computer and talk to others. I am glad that you are so happy with your son and your upcoming grandchild. That alone is a lot to be happy for. I hope that you are charishing these moments. They are so special, watching children grow up.

Take care, keep posting if you feel up to it. We love to hear from you.

Luv and hugs, Karen
Posted 5/29/2008 1:27 AM (GMT 0)
I am happy and excited about the few things that are good in my life but I just feel so hollow inside, like something is missing.  The transformation in my personality is so different.  I feel numb most of the time and I am even more cautious about other's motives when it comes to actions or words that are said and done.

 

I never thought that I could ever feel so cold and isolated as I do now.  I am not the same person I was even 6 mos. ago.  I hurt so bad and kept reliving all the things I did wrong and I guess that now I have come to terms with the fact that the only person truly hurt by how I am feeling is me, everyone else is going on about their lives and in my opinion have forgotten me and that I dont even cross any minds.

 

I am so cold that the things that used to make me cry, make me really sad now because I realize that I have to live in my world.  I saw a sign the other day as I was driving.  It said"Faith is knowing that although your prayers go unanswered, God hears them all"

 

I guess all that I wanted and thought I needed was all a big plan to guide me.  If you ask me, I would rather have the chance to really have faith and trust in others, I guess I always thought I was second best because in reality I was but all the hurt I have given and got is sustained through faith.  I am really trying but that big part of me is with me every day.

Posted 5/29/2008 1:34 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Teresa,
I am so glad you posted. Every day I look forward to seeing how you are doing. It is good that you are finding the energy to do projects and trying to focus on what is happening today and not looking to far in the past or the future. At least that is what I am trying to do. It is really hard sometimes.
Lynne

PS Karen,
The puppy is wonderful. She is our third dog. Hard to believe but true. We have a 9 year old lab, a 2 year old pug, and a 10 week old pug. The pugs are fantastic company and great cuddlers. The Lab is good company and tries hard to be a lap dog, but is really too big for laps. When my husband was really bad off the pug would lay with him for hours and hours. When my daughter got sick the pug then went to her. Each night the pug curls up with my daughter. The dogs really help calm us and keep us all centered. The only problem are the dust bunnies that are all over my hardwoods. There is dog hair everywhere right now.
Lynne
Posted 5/29/2008 2:21 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Lynne,

I know how that doghair goes. Mine are both shedding now. And it is hard to keep up with brushing them. I have a seven year old german shepard and another dog that is about 10. She is pittbull and australian cattledog. She is so cute. They both are pretty good girls. Though the shepard is very jealous and self centered. I still love her though.

It sounds like you are doing good. That is wonderful. I just love dogs. Would have all the strays if I could. But can't afford it. Plus it is hard to go anywhere and leave them in the house. I always have to come back to check them. We have kennels, but the shepard has bad seperation anxiety. She always gets stressed out when we put her in hers.

Teresa,
I hope that you start feeling better soon. Keep us posted on how you are doing. I can imagine that you are going through a difficult time right now. So share with us and we will try to help you to feel better. Are you going to any therapy? Talking I mean.

Take care, keep us up to date on how you are.
Luv and hugs to both of you, Karen..
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