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Posted 5/13/2008 2:39 AM (GMT 0)
As you guys know, I've had alot to deal with. My husband just got out of rehab a couple of weeks ago. Last Thursday made a month of being clean for him and he's still is. I had a pretty big blow out with one of his partners in crime just last night. This guy pops in and out of rehab like there a vacation spot. First he was mad because he found out that I had been talking to his mother. He called me, blew up on the phone and then he hung up on me. Later on he called and apologized. This fellow was also a former employee of my husband's. I explained to him that both he and my husband were both just too vulnerable to be around each other and not only could he not work for us but he just flat out needed to stay away. I told him that it isn't that I dislike him and that I wish him the best. His girlfriend and I are both "supposedly" in  agreement that these two can't be together. Today, when I got home, I saw his girlfriend, her sister, and her mom across the street so I walked over to say hi. They all snubbed me. In fact, the girlfriend turned her back right too me. I made the excuse that I needed to be going and I left, feeling quite crushed. I've known these girls since they were small and I use to be pretty good friends with the Mom. To make matters worse, this guy called my house several times tonight. I didn't pick up the phone. Then, he showed up using the excuse he needed my son to download something off the computer. My husband was angry, not because this guy showed up, but because he says it isn't fair that he's not aloud to hang out with him. My son downloaded what this guy wanted and then he told him he can't come here for any reason. My husband and I are barely speaking and all I can do is cry. He's gone to bed now and here I sit. I'm tired of this all. I just want to give up on everything to do with this situation, but my son, who will soon be 18, keeps giving me "pep" talks. I just want to go to bed and stay there forever and say screw it all. Please help.
Posted 5/13/2008 4:56 AM (GMT 0)

Hey Grilfriend,

Hi there, this is Kitt  and I am right here.  You have been going through so much and I know how it wears you down.  You have been doing the very best you can and now your feeling like why and what the heck for.  It feels to you like for all the good you have done no one given a darn...............remember this is not your disease but your husbands. 

Do not accept responsibilities for anyone elses feelings.  Your husband has to come to terms with his demons and his anger and projecting it on you is not fair.  redface

Your job is to remember you are a good, kind and caring person.  If he is difficult with you please tell him you are sorry he feels the way he does but your are doing what you feel is best. Attempt not to get baited into any arguments with him as he may be trying to manipulate you. 

AS for the so called friend, they own their own problems and if this is how they want to act toward you then they were never really true friends.  eyes

Take a good, hard look at these friends.  Do you  genuinely need them in your life right now? There is a difference between a good friend and a toxic friend. You need not rely upon others to judge whether your actions are proper or correct.  These "friends" may disagree or disapprove but you have the option to disregard their preferences or to workout a compromise. 

Remember we are here for you and sending you bushels of hugs and barrels of support and prayers. 

"The strength of the heart comes from the soundness of the faith"
 - Anonymous


 

 

Posted 5/13/2008 11:13 AM (GMT 0)
Bionca

I agree with Kitt,your husband needs to come to terms,and having someone like that around him is not going to help.

I hope he realizes soon how lucky he is to have found you.

I wonder if he is angry because his whole life has changed,and now he needs to figure out what to do with his time...and getting new friends so he is not tempted.

Is he still in therapy?
Posted 5/13/2008 2:26 PM (GMT 0)
Last night, I stayed up until 2 a.m. I honestly think I'm losing it. I scrubbed walls and ceilings and all I could keep repeating was the word "stupid". How many 2nd winds is a person capable of getting before there isn't any left? I have knots in my stomach. I can feel anxiety in my chest. I can't stop the wheels from turning in my head. I want so badly to trust and beleive in my husband. I'm so weary. Why does it have to be so hard just to be happy? Our son is what keeps me fighting the good fight. I do think my husband is trying to push me into giving in. Everyone seems to forget that, along with all this drama, I have my own inner demons to deal with. I can't keep this up. I don't think our marriage is going to endure all this. I think it's only a matter of time before my husband starts using again. He's not doing N.A. at all. I think he's going fishing with his brother and friend so much just so he can avoid the meetings. We need help. I can't find any al-anon meetings around here. I feel just so drained. Maybe, I really am, just so pathetic.
Posted 5/13/2008 3:29 PM (GMT 0)

You are not pathetic...............you are stressed and on your last thin thread.  IMHO you have stuck with him this far and he needs to accept his problem and want to stay clean.  If not, you cannot save him.  Fishing.........no meetings.  You cannot run around trying to find help for all of you when he is not interested so please put yourself first.

Think about what is best for you and your son.  Is this really good for your son?  Do you have a therapist just for you as I feel you need someone to talk to one on one and talk about you not your husbands problems and feelings but your problems.

Please take steps toward taking care of you.  I hate to think of you washing walls in the middle of the night while everyone else is sleeping in your house, including your husband.

You have my support and understanding. Of course you have my hugs too.
Kitt

Posted 5/13/2008 4:21 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Bionca,

Please don't think of yourself as pathetic. You have tried beyond your limits. You love him and want what is best for him.

I haven't been feeling well, so I haven't been on the forum much. But when I read your post, I just had to answer. Your husband has to want help. I hope that he isn't sneaking around and doing things that he isn't suppose to be doing. Can you tell when he is using? He might be trying to hide it from you but really all he is doing is fooling himself. I hope that he is staying clean. He has to want to stay clean. And he should know that he needs to stay away from certain people until he gets stronger.

Just know that we are thinking of you and praying for you with everything we got. I so hope that this works out for you. You are such a wonderful person.

Take care of yourself.

Luv and hugs, Karen
Posted 5/13/2008 5:48 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Bionca,

You have tried really really hard to keep this marriage afloat. You have put so much effort into it that I can understand that it is wearing you down. I think you need to take a good long look at the long term picture. This doesnt just effect your husband, but also you and your son and those around you as well. You have to do what is right by yourself.

Darren

Posted 5/14/2008 4:15 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Bionca,
I agree with everyone who has posted so far. And as you know, I am young, and I could not even begin to imagine what you're going through right now. But to me it sounds like you are a very strong and resilient woman for sticking in there like you have. Marriage is hard enough as it is, a substance addiction makes it that much more difficult. I had an alcoholic father, and my mother did, too. And I have seen what it does and what can happen. And the one thing I know to be true is that in the end the only person that will change and recover, is the person himself. Support is very helpful, and your husband should be thankful that he has you. But it can only go so far. Don't let him overpower your own feelings and inner struggles, they are just as important as his. And also, sticking it out for your son is a beautiful, very strong willed thing to do, but I agree with djdaz, you have to look at the big picture... how is this affecting your son? and you?

I really wish you the best, and I hope everything get's sorted out.
Posted 5/14/2008 12:50 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Bionca,

Just wondering how things are going for you today. Always remember that we are here for you. I know it is hard for you right now, these are very trying times.

Keep us posted and let us know how you are doing.

Luv and hugs, Karen
Posted 5/14/2008 1:37 PM (GMT 0)
How is this affecting my son? That's a very big question. My son thinks that his mother is a rock. That I can fix everything no matter how hard I have to fight. Like I said before, he gives me "pep" talks. I have a son who thinks my will can conquer all. He doesn't want his parents to break up. He doesn't want to leave our home. In his eyes, I have to fight for the greater good. He doesn't seem to realize, I'm not a super hero.

As for me, you guys are right, and I think I've had a realization this morning. Last night, my husband informed me that he is NOT gonna go to meetings, period, end of story. He says he's not gonna go back to partying, and that was pretty much the end of that conversation.

You all are right, he has to handle his addiction himself. I can only support him so much. My pressuring him about meetings is only making him more angry. If he's going to be a doper, he's going to be a doper and all my love, support, and ambition is not going to make a difference. I'm only human and I can only do so much. He tells people that I'm his "higher power". I'm just a person. Time will only tell if dope is his higher power.
Posted 5/14/2008 7:32 PM (GMT 0)
I think that you hit the nail on the head there. Only time will tell. And you will know that you gave it your all, no matter the outcome. I pray it is a good outcome.

All you can do is take it one day at a time. Are you still going to alanon? They could help you with extra support.

Stay with us too. We are here for you Bionca. You son really looks up to you and does consider you his rock, and I can see he is becoming a rock too. This is making both of you stronger together.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/15/2008 7:48 AM (GMT 0)

Hiya,

Like Karen, I think you really have hit the nail on the head. Its a hard realisation to accept and come to terms with and even harder to make the right decision about what to do next. Always know that we will be for you and will give you whatever support we can. I think you need to make a decision as to where you and your son go from here. As you have already said, all the love and care in the world will not change someone who is not ready to change.

Darren

Posted 5/15/2008 1:39 PM (GMT 0)
Right now, all I can do is give him the opportunity to prove that he can stay clean. I have given some thought as to "Plan B". My son already knows that if his father relapses, I can't stay with him. I hope I don't have to cross that bridge. I feel like I almost lost my sanity the other night. I bought my own fishing license. Not so I could babysit my husband, but I thought, maybe, if we started doing some things together again, we might grow closer together again. Also, I happen to really enjoy fishing. Bullhead fishing is one of my personal favorites, along with salmon. I also like fishing for trout as well. I feel such a distance between my husband and I right now. Our fate is really in his hands right now, not mine. I can only hope that he'll see all that he has going for him. It's hard for me to try to "cut the strings". I'm so use to fighting the good fight, it's really hard for me to back off and it's scaring me. It's not that I'm a control freak, but I've had to take on so much thru all of this. Also, I just wanted to say thank you to all of you. If it weren't for everyone's input here, I think I would have lost my sanity a long time ago. BIG HUGS AND THANK YOU'S TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!
Posted 5/15/2008 2:42 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Bionca,

I too love fishing. When my late husband was alive we went fishing for panfish a lot (bluegill and perch). They are my particular favorites. I hope that you get to go and have a good time. It is so relaxing.

Keep us posted on how things are going. We honestly are here for you and glad to be able to help.

Bullhead are like catfish aren't they? We have them here, also salmon north of us when they are running. I use to smoke them on my smoker. I love fish, and it is so healthy for you.

Have a great day,
hugs, Karen
Posted 5/15/2008 3:04 PM (GMT 0)
Yes, bullhead are just like catfish. A friend here on the forum has made a very good suggestion to me. Perhaps, my son, needs to give his Dad some "pep talks". After all, my husband is the one who needs to start fighting his own good fights, right?? Who knows Karen, maybe someday, we can go fishing for salmon. I love smoked fish too.
Posted 5/15/2008 9:26 PM (GMT 0)

bionca said...
Right now, all I can do is give him the opportunity to prove that he can stay clean. I have given some thought as to "Plan B". My son already knows that if his father relapses, I can't stay with him. I hope I don't have to cross that bridge.

I have to say I definitely agree with giving the responsibility back to your husband.  Good move.  (Although I know the gut-wrenching knot that will put in your stomach) but it is something that needs to be done so you can deal with your own emotions and "demons."

I'm glad your son knows that if hubby relapses you can't stay with him....and it is also good that hubby knows so all cards are out on the table. 

As you already know, I think your son should open up to dad.  He can let him know how his use has affected him and be dad's co-higher power!  I know you and your son have a wonderful relationship and great communication, so the only caution I want to give with this advice of talking with dad is that he knows it is not HIS responsibility to keep dad clean either.....and it isn't his fault if "plan B" is forced into action. 

Luv ya.  Sue

 

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