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My husband is suffering from chronic depression, newlywed..don't know what to do

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Posted 5/4/2004 7:04 PM (GMT 0)

Hi There.  New here.  Been married for almost 6months and my husband is depressed...feels worthless, zones out while watching TV, does not want to be married anymore, misses work, does not have energy, has suicidal thoughts, lost interest in sex the list goes on.  I feel so sad for him and alone as well.  We have only been married 6 months yet it is so empty.  What can I do to make his situation better?  He wants a divorce, wants to be alone....I want to be a supportive spouse but I am so lost.

Thanks for listening.  I needed someone to talk too.

Flea

Posted 5/4/2004 7:31 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Flea and welcome to Healing Well

My heart goes out to you. How tough this situation must be for you. Truthfully, there isn't a thing you can to do to help your husband unless he is willing. You might try compromising with him at this point. Six months is a short time to put into a marriage. Perhaps he would be willing to go to marriage counseling for a trail period, a time set by you and he together. Then, at the end of that trial, the both of you can sit down and re-evaluate your situation together. It is my guess that he will be able to make decisions more clearly. He might also benefit from personal counseling as well. Futher more, you may want to encourage him to see his family physician, who should be able to make the appropriate referrels. Encourage him, but try not to push too hard.

I think the feelings of loneliness and helplessness are normal in a situation like this. However, it probably won't be healthy for either of you if you focus entirely on your husband's health and neglect yourself. It's important that you continue working, living and doing the things you enjoy doing. Don't feel guilty, you are ultimately only responsible for yourself at this point. The rest is up to your husband. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Good luck and keep us posted.


boo
Posted 5/4/2004 7:56 PM (GMT 0)
Hi There. New here. Been married for almost 6months and my husband is depressed...feels worthless, zones out while watching TV, does not want to be married anymore, misses work, does not have energy, has suicidal thoughts, lost interest in sex the list goes on. I feel so sad for him and alone as well. We have only been married 6 months yet it is so empty. What can I do to make his situation better? He wants a divorce, wants to be alone....I want to be a supportive spouse but I am so lost.

Thanks for listening. I needed someone to talk too.

Flea
Hey Flea. Sorry to hear what you are feeling. Must be really hard for you both.
Please try and get him to see a therapist. Do cognitive behaviour therapy.
It isn't him, it's the depression. he still loves you. He just feels so crappy. That is what this thing does. takes over minds and stuff. don't give up. Let him know you love him and are there for him. You aren't going anywhere.
We are here to support you through this too. anytime you need to, post...we will reply and help you out!!
Take care
Red09
Posted 5/4/2004 11:44 PM (GMT 0)
I know when I feel depressed I feel like a burden when I talk alot about my problems, even though my husband is very supportive & has not said anything that should make me feel this way. I'm guessing this is the way your husband probably feels right now. Depression is a lonley place, impossible to discribe really, and your husband probably feels guilty for feeling the way he does so close to the beginning of your new marriage. Do you think he wants a divorce because he doesn't want to bring you down, or are there other circumstances? My husband suffered from depression/anxiety for many years before I ever had a panic attack/depression. I was always supportive of him, but never really understood some of the things he would say until I felt that way myself. I agree with boo baby...it's important to support him, but don't wrap yourself up in his problems so much that your bring yourself down. Keep doing the things you enjoy, and going to work. Keep us posted.

buddyblazer
Posted 5/5/2004 5:24 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you for all your responses.  It is such a HUGE help.  I forgot to mention boo baby that he is seeing a Family and Marriage Therapist for about three weeks already..not helping though.  His therapist told him that he may have a borderline personality disorder. I started seeing a therapist too last week.  You are all right that I need to look after myself as well.  It is so hard but I am managing and counting my blessings everday.  Sometimes I fear that he will just runaway and never come back.

Today, he saw a psychiatrist for the first time.  The doctor gave him a lot of meds....so now he is asleep. 

Thanks for sharing your experience buddyblazer.  I think he wants a divorce cause he does not want to bring me down.  I am generally a happy bright person but in situations like this I tend to come down he's level.  I say things like, I want to die too or I am tired of working and go to school etc.

Posted 5/5/2004 1:55 PM (GMT 0)

Flea sorry about everything that is going on.  It's a good sign that he is going to a Psy. Dr. and T. and good for you too.  Try to hang in there for awhile if you can.  It can take some meds 4 - 6 weeks before they really start doing what they are supposed to do.  Everyone is right when they say don't forget to take care of yourself one thing I have found for me is that I need what I call ME time.  No SO, no kids, no friends, nobody but me.  It gives me time to really relax and forget about everything, if only just for awhile.

Good Luck, Keep smiling

Phyllis

Posted 5/5/2004 3:21 PM (GMT 0)

My husband quit and left his job on Monday and told me this Morning.  THis is so so horrible!  I too am on my wits ends...Now I am the breadwinner?  I don't even know what to do with him....When we talked this morning he said that he wants to leave..like stay at a friends house or something for a while...I don't know.  I thought yesterday would be a good start but bam!  I get this news. Is this what depression is all about? Just lose so much hope that you won't care about your responsibilities?  I have been supportive the last month or so but I don't know if being supportive is helping him. I think that seeing me just reminds him that I am a responsibility and he cannot take that.

Still hoping,

Flea

Posted 5/5/2004 3:39 PM (GMT 0)

Hey Flea. That really sucks.  I feel for you.  Guess he is more down and fed up and can't handle work.  Don't give up on him.  Research, find out everything you can about depression and how to handle it.  Maybe he should join an online group too.  (doesn't have to be here, since you are here and we are helping you..that's not fair for you...You need our help and advice to get you through this hard time.)

He has to keep up with therapy...It's a slow progress...Just love him and be there for him.  Don't expect much, and know that he loves you...Just that right now the depression has taken over and is running his life. This isn't about you...Don't ever think that. 

Hugs and Keep posting!

Red09

Posted 5/6/2004 2:49 AM (GMT 0)

Flea, Sorry to hear about him quiting his job.  Maybe you should try talking to his Psy Dr. and T., (I realize they can't give you any information) but maybe you could let them know how bad he really is in case there are other steps they can suggest.  For me, it was the hospital, which I just got out of after 9 days.  I was also told to go to out patient intensive daily therapy to also help me.  There are alot of different options your husband just has to find the right one for him.

Posted 5/6/2004 4:58 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Phyllis0326,

Thanks for sharing. Was being in the hospital helped you?

Flea
Posted 5/6/2004 3:13 PM (GMT 0)

Flea,

At first I really didn't want to, I had already made my plans to end everything because I could not cope anymore.  In the hospital they were able to change my meds, all of them, and watch me to see how I was doing with each change.  I also had to attend therapy sessions, group and individual on a daily basis.  I am doing so much better but my Psy dr. wants me to attend more daily therapy sessions on an outpatient basis.  I don't know if it was just being able to totally get away or if it is from the change in meds but I do feel so much better, I'm still down but every once in a while I catch myself in a good, long over due laugh.  I do know that since my meds were changed some of them have not taken their full effect so I am still waiting for that as well.

Phyllis

Posted 5/8/2004 5:04 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Flea-

Sorry you are going through so much right now :(

I agree with everything Red had to say! I think if you can get him to see  a CBT therapist and he wants to feel better that would help get him back on his feet. He may need some antidepresant meds in the meantime too.

Good luck!

Billy

Posted 5/13/2004 11:12 PM (GMT 0)

My Dear Friends,

My marriage has turned to the worse.  My husband (who the psychiatrist diagnosed with bipolar) wants a divorce.  We've only been married 6 months.  He's 31  and I am 25.  No kids for either of us.  I feel numb, my eyes has been swollen from last nights crying...my husband does not want to take time till his meds works...he wants out of this responsibility and I am so lost.

Flea

Posted 5/14/2004 8:05 AM (GMT 0)
Flea, I am so sorry you are facing this hard time in your life. Heartbreak is a devastating thing. I hope you won't blame yourself for this. Your husband has an illness and for whatever reasons, he feels that ending your marriage is the answer. I can feel your heartache, it's never easy when we know we are losing someone we love so dearly.

I encourage you too draw upon your support system right now; friends, family, etc. I also encourage you to think about seeing a therapist as well. This is not an easy time in your life and it may help to speak to someone who is impartial. Counseling can also provide you with a safe place to work through your feelings without fear of being judged.

It's okay to feel everything that you may be feeling, the grief, sadness, anger, disbelief. Don't deny yourself any of it, you're human. Try and take one day at a time for now. You will get through this!

Take care,

boo
Posted 5/14/2004 3:23 PM (GMT 0)

Flea-

Sorry to hear this :(

I agree with everything boo said and advised!

Take care!

Billy

Posted 5/14/2004 10:33 PM (GMT 0)
Flea my heart goes out to you. Maybe he needs space. Divorce shouldn't be an option right now for either of you. I know you love him, I can feel your emotion in what you say and how you write. We are here for you anytime.
He isn't thinking straight at all...Making decisions without thinking. Just try and support him, but don't give up. I know this is hard for you. Maybe think about talking to a therapist too? I dont know if that will help or not, but it wouldn't hurt..you need as much support through this too. Dep. is hard on him, but just as hard on you too!
Hugs to you
Red09
Posted 9/20/2004 12:05 AM (GMT 0)
Hi there,

My husband and I have filed for divorce...it was final on Sept 7, 2004. Luckily I am still able to hold my head above water...it is not easy. I have crying episodes like today after watching a show...I have done what a loving, faithful commited wife could have but there was no impact...he could not be married, can't be a father or a husband....he is bipolar. I tried to encourage him to take meds, see a therapist before divorcing but there was nothing I can do. He told me that he can't bare the thought that I would be wasting my life with him (never knew why he felt that way..I was very supportive)..so divorce is the end result.

I just started my Nursing School (RN) and I have days that I can't study....this is such a hard phase in my life right now...a death of a relationship due to a mental illness that I had no control over
Posted 9/20/2004 12:47 AM (GMT 0)
Flea, I am so sorry! Lots of hugs to you right now. Sounds like you're hurting and feelng alot of pain. Keep as busy as you can during the day, but still allow yourself time to grieve. Be good to yourself, concentrate on your new career.
It is sad that this happened, but just know the love will always be there. He just couldn't be with anyone cuz of the way he feels about himself. It was not YOU, there is nothing wrong with you. I know you know this already but I am just telling you incase you need to hear it. Mental illness is so hard when it ruins a relationship. I"m glad it happened sooner rather than later, and good thing no kids.

All the best, keep posting we're here for you when you need it.

Red09
Posted 9/21/2004 3:42 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Red09,
Thanks for the comforting words. Daily I ask myself if I could have done anything...anything at all...but I know this was out of my hands. He was never happy about himself...so nothing could really make him happy in the long haul. I'll try to keep focused in my studies
Posted 2/17/2005 3:40 PM (GMT 0)
Flea,

i have 2 uncles with bipolar, and they both went through what your husbend went through, they are on Lithuim and it's working very well for them. please mention that drug to your husbend , my 2 uncles are so much better now , i think your husbend's desease is controlable and he may live a normal life. knowing that he can live a normal life i don't understand why should he ask for divorce but i feel there is something he is hiding from you.

if you love him don't give up on him... this is a very sad story :(
Posted 11/27/2013 3:44 PM (GMT 0)
I am new at this depression bit too. My husband and I have been married for 28 years. I have had what seems like a life time of ups and downs in our relationship. I am an extremely tolerate person otherwise I would have hit the trail long ago and of course I love my husband. My husband's moods can slowly decline from absolutely wonderful to bed rest for days. He has diabetes 2, takes blood pressure pills, and cholesterol. He works for himself in home renovations which means money can be feast of famine. I have been in the same job for 25 years and am the constant. A lot of pressure and stress lands in my lap. I try and pull him out of his depression which years ago he would be in bed for well over a week. We have dealt with lots of issues over the years with positive results just talking things out and he has smaller bouts of depression but I am finding the last couple of years his depression is getting much worse. He says he is not depressed, that nothing is wrong, he wants to cancel Christmas, he pushes me away...sounds like depression to me. We don't have children, I wasn't able to have any and hubby was married prior and has a grown son who we hardly see who lives out of the country, I don't know if life is easier for us or not because we don't have the added stress of children but sometimes I thank my lucky stars not to have to deal with children and my husband. I am constantly worried about money because he is and isn't working. He is fifteen years older than myself and I feel like I am wasting my life away and am resenting him and am reaching my threshold. I want to help him and I've tried to get him to talk to the doctor about it and one time he did come home with some samples from his doctor, they were some sort of anti-depression pill...I was thrilled, proud and surprised he actually said something to his doctor. But he only took them for three days or so which was is worthless. His mother and brother suffer from depression, his mother mostly has depression in the Spring and Fall...his brother takes medication all the time and had talked to my husband about it but my husband said his brother's wife likes to control him and now can now that he is medicated. His brother's wife said she is thankful for having her husband back and has never been happier with him. I'm jealous and am at wits end. My husband can be jealous of everything, feels like his life is worthless, can't seems to appreciate his surroundings, can wake up angry and the list goes on. Does anyone have any advice as to HOW to get a person to get help. I phoned one time to speak to his doctor and of course they won't talk to you, I just wanted his doctor to listen and that he didn't need to comment but apparently they don't do that either. Sorry for my rant being so long. Thanks for reading/listening.
Posted 11/27/2013 4:10 PM (GMT 0)
DGM,

so sorry you feel so helpless. This happens sometimes in relationships when one does not want to get help.

Perhaps if you found a therapist for yourself to talk to, this helps sometimes. You learn how to communicate a little better and you can stand stronger in the relationship.

However, if the other person does not want help, there is no forcing it, the get help when they are ready.

Know we are here to listen and support you the best we can.

Peace
Trina
Posted 11/27/2013 4:15 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there,

Welcome to the depression forum. I am sorry for your situation. It is difficult when our partners are suffering from depression and it takes a toll on us.

Have you talked to him about starting counseling? Does he take medication? Both of these things can really help. I think this should be up for discussion.

It might help if you were to talk to a counselor too. They can help you cope through these events.

I hope that things get better soon. Take care and keep posting.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 11/27/2013 4:49 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for listening. I have talked to a therapist but haven't discussed depression with her. We talked years ago about my husband's issues and at the time we just thought he was lazy or in a mood, not really depression. One thing my therapist said was that I'd end up supporting him for the rest of my life, so far she is somewhat correct. I think I will make an appointment with my own doctor and talk to her about it...perhaps because our doctors are in the same building they can get together....who knows.
Posted 11/27/2013 5:48 PM (GMT 0)
Great idea Depressiogonemad... I think you are on the right track...

I hope that things get better soon. You are carrying a heavy load, but things will get better.

Hugs, Karen...
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