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i dont no where to start ... im dying inside and nobody knows it but me

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what do i do if i cant afford help for all 8 of us
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Posted 5/22/2008 9:34 PM (GMT 0)

i need help and dont no where to turn im the second to youngest child of seven  all of us are so far down depressed i dont no what to do i worry about theres before i worry about mine, but im scared i want my family back  my father is in deniel he doesent care he walked out after the youngest turned 18 .. just like he told everyone in town he would do  my brother went to iraq and my mother couldnt handle it and since my father wasent there for her or us she self medicated herself with vodka .. then it turned into  a sucide attempt she ran her brand new car into a cement wall going 60 mph.... when i got the call at my home i couldnt breath i got to the hospitial at the same time my older sister did .. we walked in to see her at the same time, my mother looked up at us covered in mudd and blood  and said what the hell do yall want.. it cut me so deep.. my mother was all 7 of our best friends my dad worked night so we only had to see him  for a hour a day .. my dad was verbally abusive .. nothing was ever good enough i remember my dad hitting my mother a few times growing up .. and when my dad was mad at one of us kids.. well his temper took over and he would flip out on us.. my mom would run in to stop it but then we would yelling so that way he would focus on us more that way she wouldnt get hurt anymore than she already did .. my mom always was the best she was our best friend ..... i dont think it bothered us how dad was really until he walked out my mom hasent worked in 30 years she raised 7 kids he left not long after she tryed to kill herself .. at the hosiptial she keept telling me that she was sorry she should have done it better... i took that as she would try to kill herself again so i told my older sister and we tryed to get her help.. my brother that was in iraq  when he got back it was so hard for him .. he wasent there when things went down hill so to him it was like night and day.. me and my younger brother were there still and  were apart of the change .. it hit my brother to hard .. he was dealing with iraq and the things he saw and then he comes home to what he thought he left behind .. but when he got here it was difficult to accept... the time that jake left.. my dad took everything from my mom he only gave her a allowence a week and thats if she was lucky to get that .. my dad never did anything with us he always acted like it was burded . he would say he didnt have the money because it was to hard to take care of 7 kids... my dad made a thousand dollars a week .. and there was only 3 living at home still... he never ever would tell us he was proud he goes around talking a bad about my family  acting like he tryed .. he never did .. my 2 of brothers is bad on pills and im scared.. my mother is still drinking vodka not as much.. but she never stoped.. my dad says its all her fault  so she takes the blame for everything .. she never did nothing wrong she was awesom we would stay up late tickingling us we would say the roasry we would have karoke night hahaha just us we never let dad get us down.. not until he broke our mom down and now i  cant get her back to were she use to be...i have 2 people in my family that are so depressed that they cant find the engery to do anything .. so they use speed to solve there problems .. . we all went seprate ways kinda but live right around each other i talk to all of them .. and try to get them help but i need help to and i dont want theres they need to focus on theres i try to help them .. but i cants seem to find light in my life anymore... i need help so i can help them . they need me .. i need them ..... were do i get help for us .... someone tell  me please  i have to kids that are awesome and they need me and my family .... please dont let me crumble someone tell me something ..  i hope im doing the right thing .. by trying out my computer to see if someone in the cyber world can help!!!

Posted 5/22/2008 9:51 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Dixie,

You have come to the right place. At least I think so. We are here for you. You are doing all of the things. I really suggest counseling though. Somebody imparcial who can get you on the right track.

You are right when you say that you have to get help for yourself before you can help anybody else. You need to make sure that you and your imediate family are on the right track. Then you can try and get help for the rest of the family.

Remember that you can't control what road your siblings chose to go down. But you can try to be an influence for them. Hopefully they will follow a path similar to what you have chosen.

I know that it is hard watching your mom drink vodka. That must be so sad for you. But you can only recommend things for her to do to get better. You sound like such a sweet person and it is sad to think of all the abuse that you have experienced. But you seem very strong, maybe the strongest one of all. And I think that asking for help is a good move. And the beginning to a healing process. I think that you will be able to show the rest of the family how important it is for all of you to be strong and try to keep in contact with eachother throughout the future.

Keep posting, we will help you in any way that we can. Good luck to you, you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/22/2008 10:15 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Dixie and Welcome to HealingWell,

I am so glad that you have found us here. We are like a big family here and we all care for and support each other so there is no shortage of people out there.

First things first, you need to take care of number 1. If you dont look after yourself then you wont be able to look after anyone else. Are you having any kind of treatment for your depression? Talking therapies are very useful in dealing with depression... also hypnosis has been shown to be useful but clinical evidence is a little lacking. Have you thought about family therapy? This might be a solution where by you can all get the help and support you need in a professional sense.

Please keep talking to us. You will be amazed how much simply releasing problems here can help.

Darren

Posted 5/23/2008 11:11 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Dixie

I too want to welcome you to the forum,there are alot of caring people here.

I too went through a bad childhood,and it is very hard to overcome the anger and hurt that you have inside of you.

As Karen and Darren suggested,therapy is your best option right now.

Your kids need you,and I am sure see that you are depressed....
Posted 5/23/2008 11:41 PM (GMT 0)
wow thank both of you so much, i never relized that anyone cared much less anyone on the computer.. i am not seeing any one for help or medication. my husband is not very supportive either he tells me its all in my head and that im weak.. but last night i saw a show about depression and its not a metal disorder its a medical one .. and i dont think many people relize that.. its not in my head i cant help it .. im only 22 im not old enough for depression i thought .... i have no one to help me my husband wont and im affraid he is going to leave me over it .. and the reason i fell that it has got worse is because well i am depressed of my past and im not happy in my marriage either . but i have no place i use to have my family but they all went down hill with me at the same time.. its not like im wanting something i never had its something that i grew up with and then all the sudden its gone .. i dont have a family to go see except for my husbands family and all they do is make fun of me they are my biggest critics all my life i was put down and basicly drilled in my head that im not nothing .. and then when i look back i have never had a goal that i have worked for all my dreams there just dreams ... its all the hand of luck i guess i think .... my dad says hes done no wrong he wont except nothing ... so my mother takes the blame and cryes ..and drinks .. when my mom starting drinking the way she acted was so sad to me .. my mom would come to me drunk at 16 until i was 18 crying talking bad about my dad then yelling at me and saying such nasty and rud things that i never heard my mom say .. i new she was about to lose it ... and she did im scared i wont get her back.. my brothers dont no how to handle it either .. im scared i feel all alone .. i watched my dad fight with my mother all my life .. i saw my mother cry so many times... and my dad didnt care... i dont want my daughter to see me do that either..... but i no im going to turn out like my mother ....... therese no way i can afford help i have a thyroid problem .. and a tumor ... my dr found it when i got in a car accident ... now that i have settled my law suit .. i dont see that dr anymore.. so he told me to get help for my thyroid.... but i have no insurense and no way to get it either ....... i have no friends ..... like i said im all alone its just me and my kids there the only one that i live for.... i ramble when i talk because theres so much to say so i just add a little bit here and there ... i dont no were to start and i hope this websight will help me thank you so much for responding to me i see a flicker of light in my darkness thank you and i hope to here from you soon
Posted 5/23/2008 11:58 PM (GMT 0)
HI Dixie,

I am so happy that you found us. There is help out there for people that don't have insurance. It is just a matter of finding the resources. But local mental health places usually have programs that you can get into. Sometimes you might have to go through human resources to get them. But there should be some options out there for you.

Just writing things down helps a lot. Writing to us, or keeping a journal can help. It really makes you feel better if you can get it down on paper. Also we are here for you.

What kind of tumor do you have? Have you had any tests done on it? What did your doctor say about it? Let us know okay?

I hope that you are feeling better. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/24/2008 1:18 AM (GMT 0)
Whoa... now there's a mouthfull!! tongue
Things sound bad...
sometimes out of the darkness comes a great light!
The light of hope!

In all times its good to have hope.
strengthins the soul...
Your soul sounds good as you love your kids and want the best for them...
That sounds like hope to me..
You cannot solve everyones woes,
your ma and pa made their bed and now you can try to start to make yours..
Don't be scared to start a new beginning
a better beginning...
I'll start praying and hoping that you will find that light of hope..
You will. :-)
Posted 5/24/2008 4:27 AM (GMT 0)

Hello Dixie,

I am Kitt and welcome to HealingWell.  I wrote a post last night and it ended up in cyberspace so tonight I will try to get it on the board.

I am so sorry for all your sadness and issues. You are not responsible for your parents behavior and you cannot help them unless they want to seek help.  You can help yourself and right now it sounds to me like you need to start believing in you.  Your a good person and just because your Mother turned out to have serious issues does not mean your destiny is tied to hers.

I am saddened to here that your in-laws make fun of you.  Your relationship with your husband is strained also........sweetie, you do need to see someone to help you and maybe you could start with your physician.  Do not be afraid to talk to your physician as he/she is there for you.

I am concerned about your  tumor, would you mind sharing more info re that with us? It may be a contributor to your feelings.

Please keep posting and let us help you.  We are here 24/7 and although it may be a short wait late at night for someone to pop in we do have members from all over the world so we are in different time zones.

Gentle Hugs to you

Kitt

Posted 5/24/2008 5:27 AM (GMT 0)
im still amazed that yall have concern and are writing back to me with real feelings, i didnt exspect that at all.. as far as my tumor well i got in a car accident dec 19 2005, the guy was driving a brand new " bug" them beatle cars, i was sitting dead stop behind a trash truck waiting to go, the beatle hit me from behind going around 60 to 65 mph i just found out i was pregnate and my little girl was sitting beside me.. we were singing that song i got sunshine, on a cloudy day, when its cold outside, i got the mouth of may', i guess you say, what can make me feel this way, my girl my girl talking bout my girl....." thats our song but when it hit me he put 2 kinks in my spinal cord but the main thing my baby in my belly and my daughter were fine with out a scratch, that was my main concern well being pregnate i couldnt have any x rays or any scans of my body. So i had to wait until i had my baby well that year went by and i was a mommy of 2 now. but instead of enjoying it i got but on physcail therarpy and tons of mri and dr appts .. they tryed to give me medication but im to scared to take it loritabs are what alot of people i know abuse i dont want it around me im scared of it you could say so finally my dr decide that i need to have spinal injections in my spine its like some kinda of steryoid .. well i had 3 of them then finally he says surgery to had to buldgeing disk and major nerve darnage to my left leg and servere in my right ... and that causes numbness and tingleing and purple feet its bad cerreculation well a month before my surgey my dr tells me to go get a mri for my surgery so i did ... when i got to his office he told me that he had to redue my mri because the place were i got it done at, they messed up the did the mri to low... so i went right there and took the mri, i went back in the room and waited and waited ... he came in ill never forget how cold he was to me . looking down at a pad of paper he says its a good thing they messed up you have a tumor at the very end of you spine, you seem to have a large left thryoid, do you need any medication refills ,,,,,, stay here ill give the nurse your check out form .. have a good day .. and walked out..... dureing that whole time that dr never made eye contact with me..... and never brought it up anymore really i just sat there though and the nurse came in and i just kinda grabbed her arm while stareing off to space with my eyes full of tears ready to pour down into a puddle i said tumor .. did i hear him right did he just tell me that I ME ME I have a tumor she said yes baby you do but your going to be fine okay just sit down and calm down i refused to sit and just walked out to my car.. you see now my lawsuit is over... so i dont see that dr anymore..... .i was told that the tumor or the thyroid had nothing to do with my car accident so the dr could not treat or response medically about that with me .... the insureance is not going to pay for something they didnt do!!!
so now what ... im 22 ive been missing out my kids life becuase i have so many things wrong with me thryoid deppression bad tumor that may be cancerious and may not let see and i cant get insurance because ....... i have a pre existing medicial condition ! so im screw guys .... i have way to many places start theres no way in hell that im ever going to be okay....... i feel like a loser like i aint no body ... i get tired of just everything i rather cry and sleep ... i dont drink i do anything i just sit at home everyday same thing blah blah blah .. im wierd i dont even make since when i talk .. im crazy aint i
Posted 5/24/2008 11:18 AM (GMT 0)

Hiya,

If I had a pound for every time I have heard "Its in your head" , "Its not a mental condition" , "Your just a weak person" and "You just need to pull yourself together" then I wouldnt have to work because I'd be a millionaire. The truth is that ALL those phrases are FALSE. Depression is a REAL condtion which is NOT just in your head (I.e. you imagine it). People with depression are NOT weak and they need MORE than just pulling themselves together. Thats why drug companies developed anti-depressants and why psychologists developed therapies. Why would they go to all that effort for something that isnt real? **Takes a deep breath... ** Ive finished ranting now! tongue

There are loads of people here who care about each other. Thats one of the reasons we are here. Moderators are no different to members really other than we volunteer our time to make sure nothing goes unanswered and that everone sticks to the rules. Im 23 so I am about the same age as you... perhaps I can relate on a level there. I first had diagnosed depression when I was 17 (Although I believe I had it long before that) and I have recently started taking AD's again (about 6 months ago I think) after a family problem and I was assaulted. You are never to young in my opinion. But you need to get some help for it.

Thats just my opinion. Please keep talking to us

Darren

Posted 5/24/2008 2:54 PM (GMT 0)
. im crazy aint i

nope! :-)
You have lots on your plate... thats for sure, and you take it to heart perhaps too much,,,
but crazy,,,, nono don't think soo...
When things are going bad its easy to wallow in self pity!!!
Don't go there,, your kids need you, so does your ma and pa even if they don't say so..
You are an important person just as much as everyone elas here in this wonky world
Look to the bright side of life,, sometimes its hard to find, but it is there...
Look at how much you care for people, how worried you are about existing conditions,,,
nothing wrong with being sad over it all, we are only human after all. :-)
just don't dwell in the past..
look to the future, be there for your kids and folks, no matter how tough it may be..
sometimes in trying to help others you will find you are really helping yourself...
meanwhile, I'll keep sending hopes and prayers your way yeah

Keep the faith girl
I'll back you all the way! cool
Posted 5/24/2008 6:13 PM (GMT 0)
thank you all so much but how can i worry about the future when i dont feel that i have one. i stay in a verbaily abuse marriage nothing is good enough for him. he makes fun of me like the rest, so i try to hide it, but i break so eas. i married him beacuse my family cracked now i cant leave him becasue i dont have that family to go back to .. and i cant make it on my own i feel like i did this to myself so i shouldnt be whining to people about it. i just feel sorry for myself to much.. and its not that my parents wont say they need me thats the problem my mom had leaned on me when she cracked the last time .. .see when i was like 5 my mom had a nervous breakdown and went away for a little while.. my mom went to thearpy they all told her the same thing to leave my dad .. but were cathloic and we dont believe in divorce... it took alot away from my mom when my dad left after 25 years of marriage.. we are what kept my mom together but when dad left mom drank more and we couldnt accpet the person she turned into.. so everyone self medicates theres self with other things... i dont feel that i have a purpose hear i dont no where to start with me i dont no nothing about myself .. i try to please everyone around me so that way they will like me and from what my husband tells me that im really funny and i make people laugh but people just dont care to see me because they dont like me as a person... i dont understand .... theres so much more to my pain .. i was moliested 3 times as child .. my dads brother is a lil on the slow side but he knows better .. my dad called me a ***** at 6 years old... well through the years and me and my mother and family talking he done the same to alot of females in my family ..... last year my dad told that he wanted to spend time with my daughter .. i told him he could but no were he lived at .. because of my uncle i didnt want sadie there .. he told me that someone put that in my head as a child and how dare i think that he wouldnt watch her enough.... my dad was there when i got messed with and look what he done to me.. i cant take that chance on my daughter... my lil girl i so beautiful she askes me when im crying momma i love you are you going to be okay .... i hurt worse because i remmeber me saying the same things to my mom and i shouldnt have seen that they should not have leaned on me i guess the best way to explain it is ... listen to these songs ... because of you by reba and kelly clarkson thats to my mom and my dad is perfect by simple plan... i listen to alot of music it kinda in a wierd way helps me !! well im out yall i dont no where to start for help or to start really on my story!!! thanks again
Posted 5/24/2008 6:27 PM (GMT 0)
Yes music does help. :-)

There is no need to worry over the future.
Don't live for tomorrow as tomorrow never comes eh!
Find the special things each day brings.. even if its a small thing.. your liitle girls smile, the bright sunshine..
once you start finding them they will be everywhere.... :-)

read my previeous post again K. same stuff still applies... tongue
Posted 5/24/2008 11:01 PM (GMT 0)

Dear dixiedarlin2,

Crazy you R NOT.  If your crazy that makes us all crazy............you have depression and obviously with all of your personal issues you have many rights to be so.  You also may have some PTSD from your childhood and having been raised by a father that allowed you to be abused and a Mother that was in an abusive marriage.  Now you are living in an abusive marriage.

Your self esteem has never developed IMHO and I think we should work on that.  Also have you ever looked up all the agencies in your state that would be able to help your, there are shelters for women that are in abusive situations and there are agencies that will help you get mental health services if you have no monies. You, my young Mom, need to get mad and start to fight back for yourself and your two children.

Here is the link for the NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness:

www.nami.org/   You will be able to find your own state affilates on the site.  Please contact them and tell them you need help.  There are many sites online that will be able to refer you to help.

When your fears and depression  have the best of you, it is easy to feel that things will not get any better. This is not true. There is much help available in today’s society and the best way to deal with your fears is to find effective ways to overcome them.

You have taken a hug leap of faith in talking to us my new friend so don't stop now.  Start believing in yourself.  You are a worthy person and you do not have to help everyone else right now.  Your number one person to take care of is you.

Just one more thing that bothers me.....................the car insurance may not have been responsible for paying for your tumor medical bills but they are certainly responsible for a mis-diagnosis which is what happened to you.

On behalf of the physician that turned into a cold and non-communicative professinal, I apologize as that is not the way  medical professionals should treat any patients.

Gentle Hugs to you and remember you are a good and kind person.  God Bless

Kitt

 


Posted 5/25/2008 2:46 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you all so much, your right i do have things to look at each and everyday that makes me smile. and its my two children sadie and patrick aka lil man, it the fact that they dont no how not to love me, they dont no how to stop loving me .. its a unconditional love!!!!

I love my husband so much we have together since i was 16, when i fell i fell hard for him... he didnt attend my school. so that made it better. he couldnt see how the other kids really thought of me, he only thought of what i told him and what he saw was my family ... which WAS awesome we were alwas laughing joking playing games outside we WERE a close family.

 patrick got good in with us quick, he was also funny and a great personality... well it took patrick a year to bring me around any of his family. later finding out he thought i would make fun of him because of his parents house because it wasent well kept up very trashy and dirty.. but i didnt care i laughed when he thought that it would bother me..

well his dad is a very opiniontive man.. hes really just cold hearted he really is patricks mom is a very large women.. we went to eat at a restraunant with his family and when the waiter asked what we would like.. he told the guy that his fat  wife wanted a plate of all... she kinda smirked and orderd a salad .. i couldnt believe my eyes ... but it only got worse he would make me cry all the time in public and just at home at family gathereing he was picking on my weight.. all the time then

it then out of no where my family begings to crumble patricks dadd felt that as a better time to make me cry .... he would just make remarks about how my dad  and how my mother is a drunk...

when my mom tryed to commit sucide i got the phone call at his home... i droped to the floor and gasp for air... he felt the time to tell me that he would take me to the hosiptal just to knock the breath out of my mom before she went ... he was talking about haveing with her he told me it was a good time for her to ..... i hate this man ..

 patrick has barley ever tooken up for me ... but i have aslo darn near fight people because they hurt me.... me and patrick use to laugh and talk stay up late just giggleing ... then as he kept on cheating he faded away peice by peice every time he went off he forgot to bring it back when we got back together..... now its different we barely talk..

i see alot of his father in him ... HIS WAY OR THE HIGHWAY patrick tells me that sometimes he throws things and makes very mean comments to me one time he called me a fat ass in front of people .... it hurt so bad.... i thought that it didnt matter anymore ..... i thought that he loves me who cares what other people think..... but when he said that i was like "oh my god it does matter to him"

it hurt now im 6 foot tall okay that pretty big already for a female... i dont consider myself fat .... thick yes ... but fat .. No not really i mean i am hard on myself but thats because i 6 ft now come on that sucks growing up can you imagine in school when i had the bottom locker it was like having the top too. ... haha the kids hated having to share there locker with me .. when i was on my kneess trying to get to my own bottom locker, my head was right up there all up in there locker space haha... sorry just trying to make yall smile for chance...

but anyways patrick has made queit a few comments about when i say that im tired of being treated this way he tells me that he sorry and that it will all be over soon..... he means that as in his dad will pass away soon and he will treat me better.. when i try to talk about it he gets real defenceive.. see his dad worked him all his life .. he works for his father now to .. but patrick is such a hard worker, he really is i cant atleast say that about him... patrick wants his daddy to say hes proud of him.... just like i always wanted to my father to say..

 patrick has a pride problem he does what ever his dad says.. he dad uses him patrick told me one time a while back that the reason that he makes fun of me and is mean to me he says because he sees his dads face like up "ITS LIKE A CHILD AT CHRISTMAS" was it exact words.... i no that he loves me and i no that i love him but i just cant take that anymore... he shouldnt have to wait tell his dad dies ... thats not right .. patrick seems to be deppressed to .. but hes pride wont let him admit it. i no thats it.. he has a big heart..i think anyways...

maybe im just making excuses so i can be with him, i dont no theres so many things that go through my head.. that i cant think staight.... has anyone ever felt like they were not actualally living but like they were watching there self live ... everyday seems like the same day .. its hard for me to get out of bed in the morning time... i love to sleep..im trying to take care of my mother because well she has it hard right now and im scared that if im not here for her she might try to hurt her self again..... i keep trying to up lift her but she keeps telling me that its to hard and that god is punisihing her for something... she always gives me excuses...

 i told her that she cant ask god to make her quit drinking ... hes not going to make that happen.. he will give her the oppertunitiy to stop ... but he cant do it for us.... he wont give me courage but he will give the chance to...

you no one time i was in new orleans and there was this man that was home less drawing portraits for 10 dollars... he had old crayons and old paper... he was very dirty he was a light skinned man with long braids and he had freckles hahah he goes by the name of sunshine... and sunshine asked me why did i have such a sad face .. i told him that i was upset because i just had a child and patrick the father ran off with my best friend .. he told me that he use to have a home and he let his best friend of 14 years live with him.. his friend stayed a lil while.. and one day sunshine came home.. and there was nothing no where nothing in his home, or bank account.. .he lost his job and everything else all at the same time... sunshine was only homeless for a year he told me that he could find a reason to smile that i could to .... that there was no reason that i should carry such a long face... so i go by that motto... it can always be worse....i try to remind my self that when times get rough... but i used them words out they dont mean the same to me....

i just want to beable to be pround i want respect for me and towards me... i want to be able to have my own back bone in life....... but i came use to the fact that im use to it .. if my mom can do it so can i .... i wont self medicate myself like she did and ill be fine .. i wont let my husband get to me like that .. like she did..... but i cant do that anymore can i .. i do need help but i dont have will power i dont have ambision i dont have nothing but my two babys and thats all i need .... this is the real world no one said it would be easy..

maybe help is not for all and i dont think that it is for me im to much of a titty baby.. i cry to much and its hard to get that deep

I broke your post down into an easier to read format  :) Kitt

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 5/25/2008 8:03:00 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/25/2008 3:44 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Dixie,

I am sorry but I had to edit your post. Some of the things that you were talking abuot are inappropriate for the younger members.

I think that you really need some help with the situation that you are in. I think that a counselor or social worker could help you. You are a good person and you need to be treated better than you are. Can you get an appointment to see a therapist? I really think that would be a good idea. You need help getting things the way that they should be. You are being treated badly by people and don't deserve that.

hugs, Karen
Posted 5/25/2008 3:50 AM (GMT 0)
i think that i make it bad by looking at it that way ... i think they treat me i wouldnt say bad i would say unfair .. i always have to prove something to them... im sorry for useing inappropriate words... i didnt relize that i did until you brought it to my attention... i cant get over that my family went down hill i just cant thats all i ever have known ... what do i do with out a family ... i was always raised around a close family.. maybe thats why we didnt see it that way back then it was because my mom was there laughing and pretending she was okay so that made us feel that we were okay.. i guess i dont no anymore.. i think i gunna stop geting all my emotions out on here im starting to feel bad for crying on someone elses trouble there is always some where somebody has it worse ... i dont wnat to take up there time ... thank you all so much.. i here from yall soon good night ...
Posted 5/25/2008 4:00 AM (GMT 0)
Don't feel bad for talking, you deserve to be able to get things out. Sometimes just telling somebody helps you to see things better. I am sure that it does make you sad, but, you are human like all of us are. You deserve to be heard.

But I think that counseling would also help you. You need some support. And a therapist or counselor can help you with that.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/25/2008 1:50 PM (GMT 0)
dixiedarlin2

Good Morning to you. I am so sorry for what you have been through and I have to agree with Karen,  you need to get into therapy to be able to receive some professional counseling.  We are here to support you, encourage you and listen but we are not professionals and I believe in order to heal you need a combination of therapy and perhaps medications and belonging to a support group like this.

I hope you keep posting here and please know we all care about you.

Also please make an appointment to see your physician and he/she should be able to help direct you to the right place to receive therapy.

Everyone that comes here is equal and no one's problem is more important then the next person's so please do not think your problems are less important.  Your pain is real and your reaching out to us is such a positive sign that you recognize you need help.

Hugs to you

Kitt

 

Posted 5/25/2008 11:20 PM (GMT 0)

I dont have a dr i dont have anyone like that i never grew up going to dr's just the dentist other than that i dont even remember going when i was a small child .... I dont have insurance. Me and patrick cant afford it .. I dont want no one to put me in a home ... And the mental place here there not nice there .. I use to take my aunt and they are very cruel humans that dont listen they only judge.. I have never talked to anyone else about my problem try to talk to my husband but he doesnt like hearing it, he always has the same answer to everything .. He dont no what to do and its all in my head... I dont have really any friends i stay on this computer all the time i cant sleep at night i go to bed around 3 in the morning.... I dont find nothing intresting on tv and i dont no what i want to do when given the chance... My life is very slow and everyday is the same..... Today was a good day today its started off okay then i got a lil aggravated but ive cooled down im trying to think that it can always be worse .. Right now im fine i guess upset that it seems like a moms job is never done i keep cleanng and cleaning and it seems like im only geting the surface of the house work done... But like they say a mothers work si never done!!! I still wih i could change everything though... My dad made me quit school when i got pregnate .. He told me that he wasent going to let people think that he didnt raise me right.. I live in a very small close town.. Everybody knows everyone... He told me that he lived in that town all his life and he wasent going to let people think bad of him.. He had a name to protect!!!! I couldnt believe he could tell his own flesh and blood that....my whole life i grew up as the bigger girl i am 6 ft now .. So iv basicly have always been the biggest girl taller than most guys in my grade growing up... Well my dads family is full of beauty queen ,perfect, the best at everything, people i was never allowed to stay the night at my cousins house .. They would tell me that i didnt belong in there group, christmas was really dule ...everyone got a gift except me .. Oh there was the red sweater that i got every year by my grandma ... But looked forward to it .. I still have all 12 of them lol.....i have always had to pretend that i was a big tough girl at school .. Like i wasent scared of nothing.. Even though i was the biggest cry baby on the way home ... But haveing 7 brothers and sisters the picking comes when i got home to .. So i had no exscapeing it... My mom would always tell me incourageing things that made it better she would come and check me out of school to make me feel special .. I miss them days.... I am very insecure .... I had alot of friends you can say of course they refered me to jakes lil sister... It made me look cool ... I was friends with a lil bit of each kinda crowd .. The popular the dorks the party people the counrty people .. All different .. It was the guys that didnt like me so much ..they would make fun of me and i would try to fight them .. Not many women 6 ft tryed that with them so ina way they were scared ... Well after i left school .. I got to hear what people realy thought about me .. For instance when i see someone from school they walk away or have a fake smile.. I dont have no friends since may 29 of 2003 i havent spoke to a single friend or person that i new in school!!!! No one has ever liked me im really nice person i try to be. People just dont give me a chance well if they do .. Patrick wont let me have friends he says there all bad people.... Or he would sleep with them if they were girls .. I was to scared after he done that with what i thought was a best friend since 3rd grade ... 5 months after our daughter was born.... It done it more thought he stop right now and i dont think he will cheat again but i do get a fear about it!!!!!! Never mind im just rambleing bye

 

Reason for Edit:

I have changed the case of your post from BLOCK CAPS to Sentence Case as it is easier to read and some people find BLOCK CAPS rude. Darren


Post Edited By Moderator (djdaz_1985) : 5/26/2008 5:56:26 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/25/2008 11:44 PM (GMT 0)

Dear Dixie,

I am at a loss as what to say to you so I would like to post links to a couple of abuse support sites that may help you.  I know you said you spend all day on the computer so please take time to look at these sites.

This is a site that is owned by a friend of mine.  I am not on this site as I am not a victim of abuse. 

Healing Minds

http://www.freewebs.com/healingminds/

This one is another great site for people that have been through abuse and if covers all kinds of abuse.

A lily or a Rose

http://www.geocities.com/gold_blood_uk/

I notice your last post was in caps and perhaps you did not notice but just a gentle reminder,  remember, using ALL CAPITAL LETTERS in posts is considered yelling and rude, plus it is difficult to read. 

I wish you peace and I hope someday you will find the happiness that you so deserve.  God Bless.

Kitt

Posted 5/27/2008 3:25 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Dixie

I normally don't post but you reminded me so much of myself when I was younger. I got my height 5'10-3/4" early also. I had very little self esteem and boy did I make some wrong choices and allowed myself so much abuse because I thought I did not deserve any better. I also come from a family of 7.

Well things finally changed only when I had enough. My Dad died and it made me really look at myself.

I started looking everywhere that would help get an education and where I could have by sons watched.

I ended up taking a class and got a job. I went to welfare and got childcare.

as years went by I met someone who did not abuse me verbally or physically. I ended up with a career and worked over 26 years until my health failed. I left my job as a Senior Engineer.

My husband passed away last year at the age of 83 and I am still searching for ways to combat the blues when I am lonely.

I read your posts and it has helped me recognize how far I have come. YOU can do the same.

Look in the mirror, stand tall, pull those shoulders back and smile. There is no one has beautiful as you are.

You are smart enough to be on the computer and you also express yourself quite well. Make it work for you.

Try to go to night school even one night a week. Do not let anyone stop you from growing. I feel the reason a lot of people try to stop you, is because they think you will leave them if you think better of yourself.

I understand you love your husband even when he treats you bad. But hopefully there will come a time that you will love yourself more.  Your family will have to take there own journy.

You have reached out for help by coming to this forum. Soon it will be another step to change your life and strive for more happiness. Even in a small town I know there are places that can help you, but you will have to do research. Be strong and reach out.

Good Luck.

Posted 5/27/2008 2:26 PM (GMT 0)

Dixie,

Wow, ten1 said it so well and she can talk from experience.  What a great post for you.  She is so right, you do have options and talent.  You are young and strong and it is not to late for you to get out in the world and be the best that you can be.  I know you want that but are stuck in where to start.

Try writing down all the things you would like to do, everything, even if it sounds silly put it down.  What work would you like to do,  where would you like to see yourself in 5 years..............doing what, living where.

Just go with your list and then read it over and add more if you want.  It is a starting point.  Identify what you want versus what you have.

You want to feel productive, independent, cared for, appreciated and respected I suspect. You deserve a good life.

Start at the begining with babysteps to get you to where you want to be.

Bless you

Kitt

Posted 5/27/2008 9:19 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you all so very much! I really appriciate yalls concern..im scared there going to put me in a looney ben if i talk to anyone outside this forum. I just want help and i dont want anyone knowing that i need it. but then again, i feel like if everyone around me hasent noticed already then who cares if they dont notice when i get help.. i dont no i just dont no im just tired of being this way.. it seems like all i do is sit around and stair into to space .. i need to be more positive.. im strong im beautiful and i can do this, i have to remind myself that i amd a human and i make mistakes. if patrick doesent want to go through my changes with me then he can leave im not going to give up on my kids or myself.. they need me more than i need me.. and if im to crazy to be there then that mean they live with him.. i cant do that .. so i have to get over this hump and become who my kids need me to be.. thank you all so much .. im trying so bare with me ..
Posted 5/27/2008 11:38 PM (GMT 0)
Dixie

We all have the bad times,that is why we are such a great team on this site.
Stick together and we will get through it!!

You are a good mom,and your kids love you!
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