justified?

hi,

So I joined last night and I came across this website because I was trying to find some kind of help online or just somebody to talk to. I really don't like opening up to people and so I feel really uncomfortable at the thought of talking to a councellor.. so I think this website is pretty great. THANK YOU ADMINISTRATORS!

 

So I guess I've been really unhappy for a long time now and even though there are a lot of people around me I just feel really alone and isolated all the time. I guess it kind of started when my parents got divorced when i was seven and my dad and his entire family just completely stopped being a part of my life... I see my dad once a year or so for lunch. I keep wanting to tell him how hurt I am by what he did but at the same time I really want him to accept me.. so I never complain.

 

I guess I first noticed sadness when my mother met someone new when I was twelve. He quickly moved in and my mum was so involved with him. Also at this time I had such a huge fear of growing older.. I just extreamly wanted to stay a child forever. Well him and my mum got quite serious and his children who were younger than me moved in. I felt really isolated at this point because my mother (who in the past was a great and devoted mother) wasn't nearly as close to me as she was before (we were probably too close). I felt that because I couldn't talk to anyone in my family I became extraordinarily close with my grandparents and I would talk about everything with them... this caused some problems in my family because my grandparents also felt pushed out of my mothers life. I also became really close with my friends at school and things were alright.

 

It was after my mum got remarried and we moved to a bigger city when I noticed how unhappy I was.. the girls at my new school were all the same.. they were all really unhappy. I began doing things that I had never thought I would do.. and people loved me for being the rowdy party girl.. it wasn't who I was though. Back at my old school I was so happy and my friends and I were all so free and crazy and we just laughed so hard all the time. But it was so different here. I'm so sick of pretending to be someone everyday of my life at school.. and if I remotely show my real side by saying something crazy they are so cruel. It's so hard being at school that I come home and cry and scream and blame my parents. I know I shouldn't be friends with these girls.. but I long to be close to at least someone. I've talked to my mother about all this and she doesn't understand and she thinks I'm not being grateful... I don't know.

 

I tried so hard to keep in touch with my old friends but they just said things that are so unforgivable and they have completely stopped being a part of my life. We don't speak anymore. I also don't speak with my grandparents. My mum and her husband hate me talking to any other part of my family besides them. So here I am living with my mum and step dad, my sister is away at university and my step brother and sister sometimes visit. My step dad has the worst temper, he has said the most cruel things and yelled terrible things and my mother and me... he's pushed my down and hit me before when he's angry. My mum just watched and she'll forgive him instantly and blame me for being so unhappy. I just have been hurt by so many people that I don't really want to let anyone be close with me but I just really want to feel connected. But I really just want to escape from everything.

 

I don't know if I feel that I should be justified in being this sad or if I'm just overreacting. I don't know. Anyways my dad wants to see my today .. because he's in town because my grandparents on his side died.. its not like I was close with them.. but it's just hard because there are so many feelings I've never expressed at the anger I feel towards them never seeing me again.

 

Thank you for listening.. I'm sorry if it was too long and rambling. I just wanted to say that.  

 

Post Edited (pezpez) : 5/25/2008 10:30:01 AM (GMT-6)

Hi pezpez! You posted to me, now I'll post to you.

You have no idea how much you've helped me today with what you wrote. No idea at all.

See - I'm a mother with a teenager daughter that I have drifted apart from. You are a teenager that has drifted apart from your own mother. You've wrote your feelings down as to how I think my daughter is feeling, yet she won't admit it. Maybe you and I came here for a certain purpose and that's to help each other get some insight to how the other person in our life is feeling.

I love my daughter to death - I've never dated a man nor put one in her life. But I DID put work, college, and my own pain ahead of her quite a bit and I know it. I may not have known it then because I was so into my own feelings and thoughts but I sure see the repercussions of it today. I regret I wasn't there for her more but due to the situation her dad put me in to take control of everything - I emotionally and mentally fell apart. I had trouble picking up my own pieces and never quite knew how to pick hers up too.

Her dad is not in her life at all and has claimed he calls her alot. She has caller ID on her cell phone and I think it would show up so I know he's lying. For Christmas last year, he tied presents in a garbage bag to my apartment's doorknob for her...that's what it's come to with him.

I worry about her daily - things I wished I had said..things I wish I had done. Thing is, she's smart. Bright...gorgeous too. Thinks low of herself due to her father not being in her life and we all know teenage girls need a manly influence in their lives. I know she's experimented with boys, drugs, and drinking but not to a large extent. She feels her life is up in the air and that's probably because I've told her how the real world really is. She not only has dealt with her father abandoning her and her mother being gone 70% of the time....she's turning 18 in August and is going to be hit with how cold the big world really is. If I could shelter her from it, I would.......but I can't. If I could keep her with me forever so she never had any pain or hurt again...I would. But I can't. She HAS to make a life for herself and she HAS to understand that her diploma is the key to a good job. She may find a job yes...but not like one she would get with a diploma. I want her to be happy..to succeed...and not look at what her father has done as being her end-all way of life.

I'm going to write a letter to her and give it to her this week. It's the last week of school but she won't be graduating with her class due to missing out 4 points on a graduation test she cannot pass. So, she will have to retake it in June...either that or get her GED which she can do in 2 weeks here in town. I want her to know that I will help her in any way, shape, or form to get her diploma...but I cannot do it for her. I am proud she went the entire 4 years of school when some kids from a broken home have already quit. But in light of not passing this one test..she's stuck it out and for that I'm proud.

So.....I'm sending a big hug out to you, hun.........feel free to write if you'd like.

Hope this helps you some,
Deb