I need some Encouragment! Maybe some insight.

Dear Slick,
I just popped over to the depression thread on a whim - normally I post to the chronic pain section. But I've got a lot of professional background that might be of help here.

First, please stick with the counseling. It is not a "quick fix" process, but if you have a good therapist and work through things, it can help. Second, depression and anxiety have many causes, including genetic. There is often a biochemical component as well as psychological and social issues, so if the therapist is recommending your wife consider medication he/she likely sees the need for it. And sometiemes without the medication the depression will not improve. The best outcomes are with a combination of therapy and medication. I would encourage your wife to follow through with the suggestions, but you cannot control what she chooses to do. You can control and decide how you're going to learn and grow during this time.

I sense you have a commitment to the marriage, and that's wonderful and very much needed to get you through these trying times. I don't know what it is you may have done, but if, for example, there was a breach of trust that in and of itself can take months or even a couple of years to repair. That's without any depression or anxiety on your wife's part. If there's been an affair, or any physical or emotional abuse, these are breaches of trust. I'm not trying to judge you, just trying to offer some guidance. Many people want the pain to go away fast, and not have to work through the tough details, but there's no way around it. Yet, if you do, it can be very well worth it. Your therapist may be able to recommend some things for you to read to show you that it's possible to heal a marriage, but it may take time.

And it may be very difficult to do if your wife doesn't get the recommended help. It's not easy for either of you, but if you do your part, and stay focused on what you can control, your wife may begin to believe that you're really working at it, and may be more willing to seek help for herself.

I hope this helps some.

PaLady

Please understand that while I've got some professional background, I am not here offering advice in a professional capacity. I'm just a chronic pain patient who happened to check out this board. Interesting coincidence I stumbled over here just as you did!

Post Edited (PAlady) : 5/28/2008 3:40:11 PM (GMT-6)

Hi Slick and Micmac!
Well I don't really know much about relationship advice...but I'll try.. You could maybe apply it to either case.

I think from the sounds of it your wife is interested in resolving your issues but I would guess that maybe part of her is really confused so she tries to protect herself by distancing away from situations in which she feels she might get hurt. I have to admire how passionate you are about making this relationship work and I think its great that you are still putting in effort into parenting your children.. because it probably will affect them as well.

I think counselling is a really great idea.. and even though it might not solve all your issues it will at least help you both have a mutal understanding of how the other person feels. I think it would be helpful to also talk outside of a councellors office. I don't know.. but maybe your wife feels stressed sometimes in the environment she is in.. so maybe go for a walk or go to the beach and talk and get some of your feelings out in the open in a space where she is comfortable and able to express herself.. i think letting the other person in on whats going on may make you vulnerable but it can bring you closer togeather because of it.. i think maybe there could be less of a wall between you.

Maybe you wife feels that something that happened in the past could repeat itself and I think that maybe you could help reassure her that it won't so she'll feel less insecure... if you find that there are somethings you can't say to her maybe write a letter to get how you feel. I think that if you truly love her you should let her know and not be afraid of opening up to love.. cheesy? maybe. I don't really know.

Anyways I hope you both figure it out and I hope you post back to let us know how its all going.
I wish I could help more but I don't know much.

GOODLUCK
pez pez

I am feeling constantly low in these trying times. I went out with a friend last night just to try to get my mind of it. It didn't work. It was a bad idea because he is on the other side of what's going on in my relationship. He is divorcing but happy its all over. Not a good choice for me now. Anyways I was wondering with this constant low and ball in my stomach and chest would it be ok to seek some antidepressants maybe just for this time in my life? I guess it is possible that i have a depression problem but doesn't everyone sometime or another.

Slick,
Yes, I would definitely recommend counseling and possibly anti-depressants. You can even talk with your family doctor about the medication, but I think talking to a counselor can help give you some support through all of this. It won't be easy to hang in there with the marriage, but that's what commitment means in my book - the willingness not to leave when things get rough. That doesn't mean you have to stay and be a martyr if your wife refuses to get any help. But if she's at least struggling, it's worth hanging in there. The grass always looks greener on the other side, but rarely is once you get over the fence. None of us is perfect, and put two imperfect people in a relationship and there will always be bumps.

I'm saying this tentatively but I wonder if you wife was a victim of childhood abuse. Her behavior is a little indicative of that, but it certainly could be due to other things. If she is, then there's a lot of healing work for her to do, and it will never be an easy road for her or you, but it can get better if you both do your part. If you have your own counseling that would help you learn when to stay, how to stay sane through it (no, you're not crazy!), and if it comes to it, when it's time to leave.

Wish you all the best....

PaLady

Dear Slick,
I'm sorry you're having to experience such pain. I would still encourage you to seek some counseling and possibly an anti-depressant, for yourself. You will need some support no matter how this goes, even if it's to grieve as you move through a divorce. Try not to make a hasty decision out of pain, but that doesn't mean you need to be a martyr. Perhaps a separation is in order, and that can give you a chance to clear you head, get someone to help you sort it out so you will never look back and have second thoughts.

Take Care,

PaLady