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Today is the sixth day I have laid in bed

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Posted 6/14/2008 10:13 PM (GMT 0)
I have been searcing for a way to interact with someone who understands how it feels to be depressed. Today is the sixth day I have laid in bed. What do I do? Now don't get me wrong, I don't want someone telling me how life is precious, how if I hang in there everything will get better. I want someone to chat with me so that we can establish a relationship that will be there day in and out to help each other get through the problems of depression, chronic pain and the general issues that life throws at people. I don't have the money or insurance to speak with professionals. I do take A/D every day. But I just don't feel like I am getting anywhere. I am 33 years old, have had one of those lives where I get the advantage of blaming my mother for my rotten life. But I have started wondering why in the world do I blame her? Shouldn't I blame myself? I mean, I am the one laying in bed, while everyone tries to help. I have probably been depressed my whole life, one of those hereditary things, if that actually exists. I believe in mind over matter, and you choose your own destiny. That's why I am where I am. I have always thought that having money and being successful was not necessary to be happy. I have always thought I would raise my children completely different than I was raised. I have always thought that I could do anything, I am smart, athletic, capable...so why have I sat in bed for six days doing nothing except watch TV (public television at that because I can't afford cable). Does anyone want to tackle this person? Would you like to try to chat each day? I would love someone to speak with, and please don't get me wrong, if we don't get along, let's just be clear. I really really am looking for someone to talk to and help me I feel like I could help others as well, I just want a chance, please chat soon!
Posted 6/14/2008 10:57 PM (GMT 0)
Heej Emcee,

I would like to chat with you. Loads of the stuff you mention is somewhat familiar to me, and I truly believe I can help you.

To introduce myself a bit, I am an 18-year-old male from the Netherlands, and I suffered from, in my opinion, severe existential depression. I got out of it, and I believe anyone can. So if you think I can help you, just ask.

Please don't try to blame your mother. She might just did what she thought was best for you, she might not, but a fact is you suffer from it. As long as you blame your mother, you will create feelings of hatred, which will lead to pain, or depression (somewhat the same). Blaming yourself won't help you either. In fact, try not to blame anyone, since it will only create more pain. It is that simple in theory, create no more pain. Too bad the practical side is a bit harder, yet practise will make you better at reducing the level of suffering.

But you need to ask yourself one question (which I believe you have already asked yourself, since you post here): Do you want to become pain free? Do you want to end the suffering? It might seem odd to ask this, but I experienced myself that a depressed feeling can in fact make you feel better, because it gives you an identity. So are you willing to disidentify from your pain?

It can seem a bit abstract, and feel free to ask whatever you don't understand. One last time, I would love to have a chat with since I think you can get out of this hole. Just let me know.

All the very best!
Erik
Posted 6/15/2008 2:14 AM (GMT 0)
  I know that above all, I walk the road of my life and I am responsible for my actions.  I go to bed every night, thinking tomorrow, I will have more discipline, I will begin to do things right.  I have kids, young kids, whose lives are being impacted every day by my actions.  This makes me hate myself for what I am doing to them.  That's why I tell myself every night, tomorrow, I will start.  But tomorrow comes and I do nothing.  I have no money to spend, all I can do is clean the house...but I don't even do that.  I rationalize it, it will just get dirty again, so why clean it?  I need to get a job, I am very well qualified...I don't know why I don't start that process...Each night, I think about starting the next day...then the next day comes...same story, different day.  It seems that I am happier when working, but I was also so anxious that I would throw up at work for fear of losing my job.  Then I did lose my job.  I have spent most of that time in bed since then.  Telling myself I will stay home with my kids and spend the summer with them.  But am I doing them any good?   Tomorrow, I have planned to clean my house and get my resume ready, then Monday, I will go to some staffing agencies and try to get a job.  Does anyone else feel this way?  Are you constantly feeling like you can't accomplish anything?  Trying not to succeed so that you don't lose anything important that will make you feel completely worthless?  Does that make any sense?  It's like, I try not to have any expectations, so that I don't hurt when they aren't met.  I used to be very controlling over everything, finances, household, relationships...everything.  I remember letting go, bigtime, I let go of everything.  So much tragedy has hit my life since then, freak accidents that left my spouse devastatingly injured, without work.  It seems like life has just hit hard in the short time I have been an adult, but who ever said life was easy?  If it was easy, everyone would be successful.  But what is success?  Isn't happiness success?  I feel like I can be happy, if there wasn't so many obstacles making me feel like I am one step away from being homeless.  When you start thinking that your children would have a better life without you, that's when you know there is trouble, and you need help.
Posted 6/15/2008 2:55 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Emcee,

I can kind of see a thinking habit that defeats you before you have even started. You are worrying about the next day before the first day is over. You are thinking negative thoughts about it, you can't succeed with the limitations that you give yourself. Try saying 'next Monday I will start on the resume'. Give yourself time to prepare for it. Give yourself a little room, don't be so rigid with yourself.

You need to try to take life one day at a time. Worry about tomorrow when it gets here. This is for yourself now to ease the stress. Right now your stress level is very high and there are thinking patterns that can change that. An elderly lady once told me, when you don't like your life the way it is, change your way of thinking. She was always happy too.

Actually I think that you do have expectations, high ones, of yourself. I think that you are too hard on yourself and give yourself a break. You can only do as much as you can. These goals are unatainable. And it isn't all or nothing, you have the all or nothing thinking. If I can't succeed in this I have lost it. Well you can always try, you will learn something and that is the most important part of it all. It's not the destinatoin, it is the experience of getting there. Life is about learning.

Are you going to any therapy? I would recommend it. You definately need some support with all that you are going through. I hope that this has helped some, I am sure that somebody else will chime in too and give you some advice.

You sound like a wonderful person and a really good mother.  But remember these children need you.  And we need you too.  So try to relax, give yourself a pat on the back for all of the good things that you have done.  Allow yourself to spend a few days in bed, but then get back to living.  One day at a time and baby steps.  We will help you through it.

Take care and keep posting

hugs, Karen...

Posted 6/15/2008 3:12 AM (GMT 0)

Hey there, hello and welcome.  You want chat, see my post on chat Tuesdays and starting next Tuesday do try to join the group.  This is a new attempt to get a chat schedule going so bare with us.

Also you can go into chat room with a friend to chat anytime as it is open 24/7, just choose the Depression Room from the drop down list so we do not infringe on any other forums time.

You have received great input from the members and from our wonderful Karen.  Stick with us.
Kitt

Posted 6/15/2008 1:47 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Kitt, I will try that chat schedule!  I did get on yesterday to chat, and there wasn't anyone on at the time, but I look forward to Tuesday!

Karen,

Thank you for the kind words.  I am hard on myself, but I don't feel like I accomplish much at all!  I don't have the insurance or money right now to afford a therapist, which is why I finally began typing.  You are right about my thinking process, I am forecasting my days before they even happen, and putting expectations on myself that as soon as the day begins, I give up.  I just thought something, when I do get up and begin to accomplish tasks, that's when I believe that my spouse starts to think "OK, she's fine now.  I can start asking for things from her" that's my belief of what he thinks.  He doesn't do anything on purpose, he just doesn't have a clue what goes on inside my head.  When I try to explain, he honestly looks at me and is like, "you think what?  You are crazy! "  I mean, he doesn't get it!  And then on a good day, he acts great, but expects the world.  At least it seems to me he expects the world.  I don't know if I am making any sense.  I am trying not to act like I know what is going on inside his head, but what I think he is thinking.  And trying to type that is difficult!  I hope I am making some sense!  OK, so when I start my day, if I am in a good mood and trying to have a good day, then it seems like I need to be superwoman, to make up for the days lost.

Today is Father's Day, so I am going to have a good day.  I will get up and clean up around the house, then whatever my spouse and children want to do today, we will do.  I will have fun, because today, I feel pretty good.  I don't have an alcohol problem, but lately I have enjoyed wine, and I normally don't drink at all.  This morning (and last night) I have really wanted some, to relax, and enjoy my day while I clean house.  This was on my mind when I woke up, instantly, I thought, I can't buy wine today.  What will I do to relax?  I have a big day today, and I need something to relax.  I know that it probably isn't the best idea, but surely there is nothing wrong with having some wine to spend the day with family and pick up the house?  I hope that everyone out there has a good day today, and that you keep writing, because your words have helped me, and I enjoy getting your feedback, it does help.  Isn't that weird?  I never thought that anything lilke this would help.  I hope that today goes well, I could gauge it as the beginning of a good week!  I will talk later in the day.  Hope everyone is well

Posted 6/15/2008 2:03 PM (GMT 0)
good morning Emcee,

I really hope that you have a good day. Your husband definately doesn't understand depression. I can tell by how he answers you. My first husband was like that. If he saw I was starting to cry it would always be"what's wrong with you now" in a sarcastic way. So it was really difficult. I am lucky that the husband that I have now isn't like that.

I would say if wine relaxes you, I guess a little is fine. Just remember that alcohol is a depressant. And it does make you more depressed when the effects wear off. But moderation is the key. If you are taking medications, I would be really careful. But for now, enjoy your day, but be careful. You deserve to have a good day. You are a very special person and deserve the best.

I am going to make breakfast for my husband this morning. I am not that good of a cook anymore, but I will try.

Luv and hugs,
Karen...
Posted 6/15/2008 4:31 PM (GMT 0)
As far as the chat rooms, you can go into any room where there are people. Folks don't just limit themselves to their own room, they go where there are people, so for instance, you may find someone with depression in the chronic pain chat room or the lupus or fibromyalgia rooms. You can always invite someone to join you over to the depression or anxiety room if you are more comfortable there.

Do try the chat rooms though. You will find a lot of supportive and sympathetic people with often times, good advice for you as well.

Thanks for sharing!!

Lindaloo
Posted 6/15/2008 8:27 PM (GMT 0)

Lindaloo

Hey there this is Kitt and when I enter a room I can clear that room in 15 seconds flat.............moderators are members too and we have issues and need people to talk to so please don't run away when I come in.

To be honest that is one of the reasons I stay out now.  I do not want others to be uncomfortable.

eyes
Kitt
Posted 6/15/2008 9:08 PM (GMT 0)
I thought I was the only one who cleared chat rooms! lol
Posted 6/16/2008 11:02 AM (GMT 0)
That is too funny! Do they think you are going to tell them to hush? I had a horrible fight with my husband today, but you know how sometimes the big fight actually brings out the problems that have been being avoided? That's what happened in the end. And it felt good to get my feelings off my chest. We went and had dinner at my husband's dad's and again at my grandpa's. We had a good time. Besides the fighting! Our poor children, so much trauma. But I think overall, they have had a great life, and if that is the worst thing they see in life (so far it is) is there parents fighting, then that's a good thing. Today, I plan on finishing my resume, and emailing them to look for a job. A lot of my loneliness if from no job right now. But I do wish that I could get a handle on the depression. Does anyone take anything so that they are not so tired all the time? I used to take those pills they sell at the convenience stores, caffeine? But they always make me nautious. But I am so tired all the time, I hardly every have energy. Suggestions? I get worried because there are so many young ones on hear, I don't want to say too much that they might get ideas. Also, can you imagine, if my daughter came to me and said, Well the lady in the chat room said that"BlahBlahBlah" I would fly off the handle!!! Blue's mom seriously doesn't sound very supportive though. It sounds like she if putting up with a lot. Have a great day, all that have jobs, let me know what you do. I am trying to network myself like crazy! I am feeling good, but I don't know why, I have been up all night, typing my resume and I am going to take like a two hour nap and get back up. Let's see how I feel then! Good Day! God Bless
Posted 6/16/2008 1:14 PM (GMT 0)

emcee,

Well I am glad to hear you are going to nap for a couple and then see how you feel.  Depression can cause you to feel tired but rest when you need to and then get up and go for it as you have been.  You got your resume done........whoooooooohoooooooooo.

Very proud of you.  Keep it up.

Hugs
Kitt

Posted 6/17/2008 9:52 AM (GMT 0)
Hiya,

I know it sounds really backwards, but if you are feeling tired and sluggish, regular exerise is a great help. It gets the blood flowing as well as increasing your overall fitness.

Congrats on finishing your resume! I hope you manage to find a job real soon!

Darren

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