My Husband Is An Alcoholic

This is my first time putting me and my problems out in open like this. I have been a member only a short time and I will admitt it has taken me a few day's to get to this point. I have been reading everyones entries and I can clearly see the compation that everyone on this site has. It fills my heart with gladness to know there is a safe place for people share there everyday crisis.

My husband has always had a drinking problem, he was what some might call 'A Functional Alcoholic', and we just kept sliding by. In 06 he knew something was wrong he was getting sicker and sicker, instead of listening to my advice to see a doctor, he went to drinking more, I guess to cover up his fears. In late Dec., he finally agree to make the appointment. He was diagnosed with cancer. Large B Cell Lymphoma.  I fought him everyday to get him to agree with the Doctor's plan of therapy, 8 month's of Chemo., and as the days got closer, he began drinking more and more. I was getting to the point I wanted him to leave, but I stuck it out because I knew he would not follow through if I wasn't there to push him. Then the day arrived for his regimen to begin, he went.  The first treatment was very long, he had a really hard time. The next one went a little easier so he managed to push that first beer down. After that day, he road the pace he had managed to set for himself. Every Chemo., more beer. By the time he got to his last treatment he had become a heavy duty, full blown alcoholic. The family support was gone, the kids didn't want to come around any more. My life had managed to head for a ride of no return in sight. At this point, I was becoming more and more depressed. I got angry with my kids, I didn't want nothing to do with our families, in my eye's everyone abandoned me. I have been left to deal with all these problems I created.  

Recently I asked him to leave. He went off to PA with his family. Everday he calls trying to get me to cave, as I have time and time again. Last night he called to inform me, he has made an appointment with our local outpatient rehab., clinic for help and he would be home this coming Sunday. I told him they have Rehab., centers everywhere and he should stay in PA, with his family where he would have alot of love and support. He insist he can't do this without me. This is the point I start caving...He know's it and so do I.  Do I stick to my dicision and let him face all the pain he has caused, or do I treat this as another disease and stand by him once again?

Lost and confused...

I tend to agree with Thirsty. I think that you should give him that last chance and stand by him. If he doesn't follow through with it, then you know that you did all that you could for him. It is so hard in these situations, I know that you love him. I can see your point though about wanting him to go into rehab there. In a way that would be good because then he did it on his own. And he does have to do this for himself. Now I am more mixed up than I was. So I am not much help. I am sorry for this. But either way, you are still there for him and I know that is what matters to you. It is going to be hard for the both of you for him to get through this, but you battled cancer with him, so I think that you could get through just about anything.

We tend to get so angry with this disease, alcoholism, it changes people and makes them sick, but it is a disease, just like the cancer was. So with saying that, I can see I am no help. Let's see what other members have to say.

I do hope this helped, even if just a little.

Hugs, Karen...

My husband's brother and cousin are both alcoholics and my mother in law is a drug addict. In my personal opinion you can't trust a person who is being controlled by a substance. It's not really them talking. This is just my opinion but I think that before you can take care of things between you and your husband you have to take care of yourself first. You've been through a lot and you have to heal and help yourself see a little clearly. Feelings can be manipulated very easily...especially if it's someone you love..... cancer is something hard to cope with too but it's no excuse to waste time with alcohol. Life is too precious. I agree with Kitt. I think you should tell him you will be praying for him but he should do this on his own. If being with you is important to him he will want to be with you sober.

I thank you for the love and support. I haven't had any for such a long time.
Although I know I need to stand my ground with him, I'm scared. I am so worried if I don't continue to stand behind him, he will find a way in his sick mind to turn this aroud on me. It's probable the signs of a stereotype alcoholic.
I don't know for sure becuase I haven't seen it, but I'm afraid if I turn him away now then he will use this to give him the confidence to take it to the next level. From mental abuse to physical.
How do I put these genuine fears to rest so I can stand strong??

Kitt,
I have, unfortunatly in my local area the few meetings that are available are not in my schedule. I own a small business. I know that is no reason, but if I don't have that I don't have anything. I went to my dr. for help, he is trying to get me in therapy, again, unfortunatly my insurance does not cover mental health, or addictions. Sad hey!! They will cover you if you want to slash your wrist, because now that's and emergency. Who ever heard of such a stupid statement.
I am not in a very good place today, It seems like every way I turn, there's another closed door. I spent the last 3 hours of my life laying on my sofa crying like a little lost child. I prayed for help and guidence. I am so lost and wraped up in this problem and I'm angry at myself for being here and my husband for placing me here. I know this was not meant to defet me but to make me stronger. I now all the words to say to someone else in this place. What I don't know is how I get me out of it.
I guess that will come eventually, when it's time.
Gotta go, buth than you Kitt for caring

Hello Dear Sweet Lady,

I am going to give you the link to Hazelden Rehab Facility.  But first this:

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Today I will practice detachment by letting go of things. I can't control.

Detachment means standing back and looking at a situation without having a hand in it. Watching fireworks is practicing detachment. Flying a kite is not. Allowing friends the freedom to have their own opinions is practicing detachment. Feeling compelled to change their minds is not. Watching a child create her own drawing is practicing detachment. Holding her hand while she draws is not.

I can't control other people, their actions, or their beliefs by forcing them to act or believe as I do. Detachment helps me see the big picture, since I can see things more clearly from a distance.

Today, and from now on, I will practice taking care of myself by detaching from people or situations that aren't good for me. Today I will pay close attention to when I am trying to force the issue, and I'll remember that my time would be better spent leaving it alone.

http://www.hazelden.org/

I belong to their online community as I find a lot of wonderful info on ther site and everyday I automatically receive Today's thought from Hazelden.  It speaks to your heart and soul so often and is emailed right to you.

 

Anything that can help you feel better or understand you are not alone to me is helpful.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt

Kitt
Again, thank you for your advice. I believe you must have been sent from heaven. You have so much compassion, you always seem to know the right thing to say at the right moment. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Yesterday I hit my bottom. I was so distraught, there was so much pressure coming from my husband, my work and just noraml life disappointment I allowed my self to get caught up in the moment.

I did take your advice with the al-anon web site. I went to their chat room and finally for the first time realized, I am not the only one. I knew that in my mind, but when you are on the slide going down to no where, you can't see, it grabs ahold of your mind and twist everything together.

I called my brother and we did a prayer meeting at my home. My husband called and I put him on speaker phone. Now other's know. When we hung up I was told to stop it. of course not intentionally I was setting myself up again. I was told, the only way to stop this was to ask him to except the responsibility of carrying this bucket he has placed on my back.

He called me again last night. I told him I can no longer be of use to you. I said, I have had to carry
your burdens for such a long time I have now lost sight of myself. I informed him, the only way you can come home is if you call the center for recovery and accept the help they offered to you. That is a 30 day inhouse rehab. and even then, you can't come back to me, until the day you are to be admitted. Or, you can stay in PA., find a program in your home town. You have family there that will love and support you. Those are the only choices I have to offer you. I told him I love love and I will not abandon you, but, if YOU choose not to follow through, that is your choice. If you choose to continue on the same road, then walk that road with your head up high because I will no longer be ahead of you to clear your path. I told him, although I love you....I love me more and you do not have the right dictate my choices in my life because he is not healthy enough to make his own. I am taking that power away from you.. I said, I have no more to say about this now the ball is back in your court and I will not take part in your self distruction. The end

You all on this forum have played such an important roll in my well being I can't express my gratituted enough. Thank you...Like I have always told other's.
"God never closes a door with out opening a window."

I'm asking for your love and thoughts once again.
My husband called a little while ago and he claims he is coming home. I did stand tough as I promised myself I would. darn, I'm so mad at this worthless, distructive and manipulative disease. If it was a physical identity you could stand up and face it right in the eye, but it's not. So here I am with my mind going crazy trying to always stay atleast on step ahead of it.

My question is, should I change the locks on the doors and get an order of protection to keep him away? I'm not going to say I'm not in fear of what his intentions would be if he chose to come after I've made it loud and clear that that's not an option available to him, because it's not his mind, it's the disease taken control. My main goal would be, if he was to come then I would have the law behind me and he would be forced to face the reality of his disease. And just maybe since this already has been well documented with our local Center for Recovery and our family dr., the court sysem its self would be in charge of his so needed in patient care.

I'm so displaced with all of this I'm grasping for straws with trying to stay constant with my demands
Thank you for your input,
Willow