HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

New and Lost

Support Forums
>
Depression
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
1 2
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 6/19/2008 10:27 PM (GMT 0)
It was a corneal transplant. I was diagnosed with a ulcer in my right eye in September 2006, for which I spent 11 days in the hospital. In May 2007, I had my transplant, and luckily everything has been great with my eye ever since. I still can't wear my contact in that eye though, because I'll have stitches in there for the next 7 years, so right now I'm stuck with my glasses. I've also had type 1 diabetes since I was 6, so for a little over 10 years now. And for the past few years, I haven't been doing well at all on that aspect. It's kinda a continous circle with the diabetes and the depression, they just keep feeding eachother in a downward spiral.
I'm taking a pill and a half, (30mg), of Cytalopram right now but it doesn't seem to be working at all anymore. It was working in the beginning just great; I felt a little better every day, I stopped overeating as much, it was easier to get up in the morning... But lately I feel as if I'm just going back into my old moods and feelings again. It's been 6 or 7 weeks since I started taking the meds, so it should be about as good as it gets right? But it seems that after the first 2 or 3 weeks, everything's just kinda tumbling backwards again... I was so happy that I was feeling better, and that it looked like it was all gonna work out, but now it's all just crashing at me again. So I'm a bit frustrated with it all at the moment... I really hoped that it was gonna work. I'm starting to feel more and more lost again, and I never want to go back to the worst days of before...
Thank you again for everyone who replies to this. It really means a lot to me.
Much Loves~Blue
Posted 6/19/2008 10:45 PM (GMT 0)
have you let your doctor know how you are feeling? maybe you need an adjustment in your medications. You have a lot to battle at such a young age. Keep posting here, there will be a lot of support for you.

Luv and hugs,
Karen...
Posted 6/20/2008 12:08 PM (GMT 0)
I agree with Kitt to let your dr know, maybe you can adjust or change meds.

I know how things can feel there spiraling, is why I have bee readusted with my meds, so maybe it will help, hopefuly it will help yoou too...

Posted 6/23/2008 10:21 PM (GMT 0)
I talked to my psychologist and he said that we were gonna keep me on the same meds for a few more weeks, and if nothing was changing then we'd talk about switching to something else. We already upped the dose from 20mg to 30mg a few weeks ago, and both my dr's don't want to put me on anymore than that.
I've actually had a good week so far. Saturday was great because I got to spend the day with my mom and she wasn't naggina about anything. We went out to the movies and saw Prince Caspian, then we went out for Chinese food. It was a wonderful day, probably one of the best days I've had in the past year. It was relaxing and fun, and we thouroughly enjoyed eachothers company. I don't know if I've ever had a day with her that was as much fun as that was.
But it's also been kinda hard too. My best friend went to a dance camp in Walla Walla on Sunday, and she'll be there for two weeks. My other best friend is going to Utah for a week for some conference thing too. And then my mom is going to Alaska with a friend who's a professional photographer to take pictures of the bears for a week also. I don't really have too many friends, and those three are the only ones I really spend time with outside of school, dance, or some group activity. And when my mom's gone, my dad works a lot more, so I'm alone even more often. Don't get me wrong, I'm going to fully enjoy being alone all the time, but only for the first few days. That's a long time to be alone, and all my negative thoughts usually come up when I'm by myself.
I was making cookies today, and I was really excited. I mean, come on, who doesn't love cookies? But then I forgot them, and they got all black. So that was kinda what started my downward spiral today. I ate a bunch of cookie dough, and now I have a stomach ache. Plus, I'm bloated and I have dance class today. I think I might have broken my toe earlier this week too. I hit it on the leg of my couch, and it's still purple and swollen even though it's been 6 days. I can't pointe my foot at all, and that really doesn't work too well when I have ballet still.
On top of that, I still have my hand wrapped from when I broke it about 3 weeks ago. And it's extremely hard to type one handed... I don't really know. I just kinda needed to get some things off my chest. Sorry for ranting...
But, on the good side, I'm up to 50 things on my list of things that make me happy! It's really good to actually be able to see the things that make me feel good written down. It kinda makes them more real to me.
Thanks again to everyone who replied to this, it really does mean a lot to me.
Much Loves,~Blue
Posted 6/24/2008 6:27 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Blue,

It really looks like things are going well for you right now. That really makes me so happy. I know that you had a couple of downer things like the cookies and your toe, but other than that, it sounds like things are looking up. You have a lot more positives than negatives.

I sure hope that things continue with the positives. You deserve to be happy. And I can feel happiness in your post. That is awesome.

Have a wonderful day
Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/24/2008 7:35 PM (GMT 0)
I agree with Karen, you seem like things ae going well, and iam glad you had a wonderful day with your mother, thats a good thing, sorry about your toe and the cookies, make another batch, that will perk you up. Look forward to the alone time you get, reflect on the good things. And watch otu for that toe while you dance, I have broken the sameright toe 3 times,( right big toe). i suaed to take ballet as a child, i rember the point shoes, very hard. Anyway have a good week...
Posted 6/25/2008 3:55 PM (GMT 0)

Good Morning Blue,

I have been following your posts.............some good stuff in here, sugar, so you had a great time with your Mom.......that is so great.  Hold on to that memory. :-)

Yesterday you had a typical day in the life of just about any of us so your normal. I made blueberry muffins for my hubby and yup, I thought a couple of more minutes were called for...........black bottom blueberry muffins.  Maybe I will patent them cool

I am wearing dressings on 4 areas where I had skin cancer removed on the 9th and 11th of this month.   2 of the areas are on my right index finger and my right middle finger.  The day of surgery with fat little numb sausage fingers I was on this site posting anyway.  I made a fair amount of typos.  The dressings are a pain in the patoot as I have to keep areas clean and dry at all time......we are talking my hand here folks.

Keep working on your list and if you need help..let me know as I have some things that make me laugh.

Hugs to you and you are doing very well. You do not need to be perfect.  You just need to be you.

Luvs
Kitt

Posted 6/25/2008 4:10 PM (GMT 0)
Ouch Kitt, I hope heal rapidly.

sending gentle (((HHUUGGSS)....

Posted 6/28/2008 7:36 AM (GMT 0)
So today was not the best day for me, not at all. Actually, it started last night. One of my really really good friends is going to a church youthgroup conference thing down in Utah for about a week, and she's leaving tomorrow. See, she's not really the church type. Her dad is a church organist, but she's only halfway interested in church at all because she thinks it makes her better than everyone else or something of the like. It's kinda hard to explain written down.
Anyway, the main reason she's going is because 2 of the guys going are really hot, and she never passes up any chance to flirt or hang out with hot guys. She's also got this overwhelming tendency to waaaaaay over-react to anything. She gets in people's faces over the simplest things. She's coky about everything, and she thinks she's the best thing to ever happen to this world.
Anyway, I was telling her what it's gonna be like down there, because I've been to something like it before, and she's never done anything of the sort. When all of a sudden she starts exploding at me for trying to explain that it's not gonna be like summer camp or a vacation or anything. She kept going on about what a failure I was, and how I don't have a real life, and how my nose is always stuck in books so I'm ruining my life. She asked why I didn't just go to my room, sleep my life away, and read books for the rest of eternity. And I'm kinda ashamed to say it, but she really got to me. I mean, that is all I really do anymore. I sleep a lot, and I read even more. Today alone, I went through three 300 page books. I don't get outta my house much. But with her words, it just makes me want to hide away even more. I'm feeling like a pretty big failure at the moment.
Then today we dropped my mom off at the airport to go to Alaska for a week with a friend. And my best friend is still away at dance camp. She left last week, and still has another week before she makes the drive home. So I'm feeling pretty lonely and lousy right now.
My dad also works a lot more when my mom is gone, so I'm home a lot more often. My dad owns a small real estate office, so he keeps whatever hours he wants. It's what? 12:30am right now, and he just got home...
I don't know... I just feel like all I do anymore is complain. I don't want to be one of those girls who is always beating herself up and can't keep her head high, but lately, it's seemed almost impossible to get out of that scenario...
I'm gonna get going now. Thank you to everyone who's replied to this, it really truly does mean a lot to me.
Much Loves~Blue
Posted 6/28/2008 6:06 PM (GMT 0)

I'm sorry, BlueChicken. I hate girls like that! I had a very similar situation happen to me last year. My friend started arguing with me over nothing and at the end of it she said something like, "Well, you're just jealous of my life [which I was not] b/c all you ever do is stay in your room. All you need in life is your bed to sleep in and your TV." Which is somewhat true, but she did say other horrible things as well.

Anywho, do not feel like a failure! Just b/c you don't match someone else's definition of "success" doesn't make you a failure. I would much rather have you be a fervent reader than some fake, cocky chick. Anyway, someone like her is probably not going to understand how you feel, so just try to ignore her and maybe even think about cutting her off from your life if this type of stuff happens frequently (I only spoke to my "friend" twice after that fight and that was only b/c we were with mutual friends. I'm really glad that I don't have to deal w/ her anymore).

I hope today has been a better day. *hugs*

Posted 7/1/2008 8:06 AM (GMT 0)
I was having a wonderful day this afternoon/evening. I had an amazing ballet class; I was the only one there because everyone else is at dance camp in Walla Walla, so I got to have a one-on-one class with Betsy-our instructor. I was in such a good mood from that, it was wonderful.

But when I get moods like that, it's only ever for a short time. I'm feeling like crap again, and it's only been a few hours since I was super happy. They usually last a little longer, my good moods I mean. Usually I can feel pretty good for about 7 or so hours after a really good dance class, or whatever it is at the moment that made me really happy. I don't know what it was about today though, cuz I started feeling bad about 3 hours after class ended.

It's always worst at this time of the night; after everyone else has gone to bed, and I'm all alone in my room or wherever. I feel like I'm on auto-pilot most of the time; like I'm just going through the motions, but not actually feeling them. I don't even feel real. Like I'm looking through someone elses eyes.

I don't even know how to express how good it makes me feel to know that people are actually taking the time to read this. It's amazing to have people understand, and tell me that I'm not crazy. I just feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes, and writing on here always makes me feel a little better. So thanks again, to everyone who replies to this.
Much Loves~Blue
Posted 7/1/2008 9:32 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Blue,

If things like your dance class make you happy, try to think about them when you are sad. I think that will help you to feel better. I am happy that you got so much joy out of your lesson. It made me smile when I read your post.

Keep up the good work.

hugs, Karen
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
12