So I'm really, really confused now

Hi Staveandor - I think you are doing really well...gosh you have taken huge steps forward..it does take time to adjust and feeling 'lost' is completely normal...it's just another part of grieving for what was - just like your feelings of anger and jealousy ..they will pass I promise...letting go and acceptance are the next steps in the process. If you find all of this too hard - you may wish to consider counselling of some sort - learning new skills to cope makes life so much easier Keep up the good work and keep talking to us.

Sista J.

It is obvious that you still care about her, otherwise you wouldn't have any feelings or memories. Your anger sounds like jealousy. That is normal too. But keep trying to move forward and like was said above, try to stay in the moment instead of thinking about what is going on with her.

It sounds like some counseling would help you with direction, I am glad that you are finding other things to do. Just don't dwell on your ex. That isn't healthy. Try to put those thoughts out of your head if you can. Thinking about her is normal, but dwelling isn't.

Keep moving forward, continue to do the things that you are doing. Maybe call one of those numbers, you would be suprised at the good times that you could have with another person.

Keep up the good work
hugs, Karen

One thing that you shouldn't do is compare your lives to others. There will always be people happier and sadder than you. Try, try to live in the moment of things. In the now as they say. Look at what you have accomplished in life. I am sure that you will find good things.

You sound so smart and compassionate. You have a lot to live for. Just remember that.

Good luck,
hugs, Karen

Hey Stave,

What makes you think that that is the definition of a man. Ultra-confident and on a quest for sex. That sounds like an invitation to an std to me. I hope that you are being careful.

You are getting too deep in your mind my friend. Take life one day at a time, one moment at a time. Be in the now. Not thinking about what happened when. That is in the past. If I worried about things like you seem to be, I would be totally overwhelmed. And I use to be. You cannot enjoy life living this way. It is utterly impossible. Take my advice my friend, slow your mind down. If you can't do it through meditation or just living in the now, talk to your doctor about medication. I take it for obsessive thinking and it really helps. I am a lot happier.

Best wishes and keep posting,
Karen

getting by - The reason I feel like "Being confident and on a quest for sex" is how I'm supposed to feel is because how everyone in my life, but me, defines it. My dad literally tells me I'm an idiot for being sad, and I should be seeing at least 7 girls - one for each day of the week. I should also have back ups, if possible. And I should do anything I can to be with them in any sense of the word that I want. My mom doesn't exactly support this, but she doesn't tell me anything different.

All of my friends tell me that I'm an idiot for even thinking of my ex, because she hurt me really, really badly. She took advantage of me and my trust in every sense of the word, and I suspect she even cheated on me. Yet I stayed with her for 2 years, and begged her to take me back when she left. All of my friends tell me that I just can be happy if I decide to be. It's not quite that easy, else I wouldn't be depressed.

I have never actually been happy. I was seemingly happier while with my ex, but that was because I blocked out all of my problems and hid inside my relationship. I just know that compared to how I feel now, about myself and everything else including the here and now, I was happier being miserable with someone around.

CRANKY 1 - Thank you for your input. I personally don't believe in one night stands or flings. I don't even know if I'm capable of something of the sort. I enjoy commitment and that may be part of my problem.

Obviously, being so young, I am very inexperienced. I'm living each day as it comes, but I don't know how to not think about the future. At 21, all I ever hear about is the future. Weddings, children, college and careers, vacations, moving even. And I do feel overwhelmed at the prospect of 'tomorrow'.

I don't have the money to go to school, though I'd love to get an education. The only problem is that while I think I'd like to do something with computers, it doesn't seem like I'd ultimately be satisfied doing that line of work. I can't really decide what would make me happy in a career.

I have recently decided to write a book. I've always wanted to, and actually put it off because I got back with my ex. As we got more comfortable (and I decided I was going to propose), I told myself that it could wait until after we were at least engaged, and I wouldn't have to worry about certain things anymore, such as finding a partner or my true center of happiness. In light of this, the very idea of completing a book makes me very excited. I just have no idea how to approach it at the moment, so it's a daunting task.

This post is more of a giant vent. I just woke up after getting so angry I decided to try to sleep it off. I don't feel much better, but I feel some level of remorse for wanting to end my life. On a lot of levels, I just don't feel like I have anything to live for, other than the idea that my family loves me and I *might* find someone someday. These things are just barely enough to have stopped me before, but who knows anymore. I'm drowning in so much pain and sorrow and I have no way how to shed this skin and move on, and really truly find solace.

Hey Stave,

Wow, I didn't realize that you are quite as young as you are...heck, I'm 43 and I think I still have some shoes that are older than you...LOL!!!  I wasn't advocating any "one night stands" or "casual flings", as those are quite empty and don't help anyone emotionally.  The girl for every day of the week, plus backups, is a load of horse-hockey if you ask me.  People that can say things like that are quite cavalier in attitude, and clearly don't get the depth of your sensitive nature.  I'm impressed that someone of your youth realizes that advice like that is pretty hollow.  Yes, you are young, but you have your whole life ahead of you.  As I am older, at least chronicallogically so, I've had time to live a lot more and have more experience, but that, by no means, makes me any kind of expert.  My relationship with my BFF is right for me at this stage in life, but since our lives are on two very different paths, I just cherish the closeness we feel, as that is a constant in our lives.  Heck, I even have his name tattooed on my wrist, just as he owns a patch of territory in my heart that will always belong to him, even if I were to meet a new partner in life tomorrow.  It's not like it's the name of some "ex", that I would feel embarrassed about if I'm with someone new. 

I just can identify with how you feel.  When I was in college, I struggled between learning something that I could use to support myself if I stayed single, versus studying something that I loved or made me happy.  I wasn't much of a dater in high school, so I struggled with the idea that I might not ever find a husband that I could share the cost of living with, thus, I was pretty conflicted.  This caused me to change majors six times, and I never did complete my degree.  Years later, after taking time off to work for a while, I went back to a trade school to be a computer technician.  I actually met my ex-husband there, but in hindsight, I should have spent more time on my studies and less getting to know him. 

I worked fulltime as a nanny for my goddaughter and her older siblings while I was in school.  I had spent the previous several years as a traveling baby photographer and district manager.  I got a lot of experience with child-raising, but I never ended up with any children of my own.  All I ever really wanted was to have a family of my own, but it was never the right time to bring a child into the world.  Being spawn-free is one of my biggest regrets in life, but ever since my divorce, I recognized that it just wasn't in the cards for me.  But who knows, maybe I still might meet someone that already has kids, I'm just not counting on it at this point.  YOU, on the other hand, have all the time in the world to find a partner, get married, and raise a family. Take comfort that you are so young.  One thing I've learned over the years is that when you aren't looking for something or someone, that's when opportunity tends to knock.  Comparing yourself to the friends you have is easy to do, but remember, chances are about 50% that they will be back in your position, sometime in the future.  They may seem smug about how well things are going for them now, but statistic show that half of them are doomed to fail at least once.  The longer it takes to find "Mrs. Right", the more time and experience you will have on your side.  Ms. Right-Now is never a sure bet.

As for your planned book, it's quite a coincidence, as I've just started to write a book myself.  It's just in the beginning stages, but I can tell you that the process can be quite cathartic, regardless of what your writing is about.  I don't have my format all planned out, so I'm just writing small chunks at a time, and figure that eventually the proper structure will emerge in its own time.

To sum it all up, you have a good head on your shoulders, and the emotional capability of having a good, stable relationship when the right person shows up.  Take all the time you need, and remind yourself that Rome wasn't built in a day, and that you have all the time in the world to get things right.  You have ever right to mourn the loss of your relationship, and take all the time you need to put things in perspective.  There are no time requirements when it comes to love, and as you go along, you will realize that what is meant to be, will be...sometimes it's just a pain in the ass waiting for your destiny to fall into place.  Heck, I'm twice your age and my life is still a work in progress. 

Sorry I got to rambling so much, I just wanted you to know that all is not lost.  Life is a journey, not a destination...(oh, geez...did I really just say that???)  I guess it's easier to say than do sometimes.

Please keep us updated on how you're doing.  We are always here for you.

Leigh Ann

Hey Stave,

Dude, you are really on the wallowing wagon.  Your friends may seem uncomfortable around you, but cut them a break.  Young adult males are not known for their empathic abilities, much less the skill of saying what you need to hear right now.  They aren't keeping you around out of pity, you're their buddy.  That doesn't change just cuz you broke up with your girl.  You feel bad and they can tell, they just don't know what to do to help you out of your funk. 

Your life is not over, by far.  Yeah, your life seems to suck right now, but it won't last forever.  By all means, don't dump all your connections to the outside world.  If you do, you're going to be more miserable than you are now.  Cutting everyone out of your life is just cutting your nose off to spite your face.  OK, stupid phrase, but it's true.  I can tell you, when I moved back to my hometown after my divorce, I had to start from scratch.  The only two friends I had left in town wore both pretty messed up, so the last thing I needed was to add more negativity. 

My answer was to get a cat.  Then I got another cat.  Then I got a third cat.  Getting three cats will not fix a broken heart, but a little unconditional love goes a long way.  I was pretty lonely for a while, and I had a lot of health problems to contend with.  You seem to have all the right stuff to put yourself back into the game.  Take your time, there's no schedule you have to keep.  Continue to go out with your friends, even if it is awkward for a while.  Relationships come and go.  Heck, maybe one of your buddies will end up in the same position at some point, and you gave give them the benefit of your experience.  The world has NOT come to an end.  You seem like a great, sensitive guy, and the right girl will come along when you aren't expecting it, and she will appreciate all you have to share.

Take each day at a time, and come hang out here on the board when you feel the need.

(((((BIG HUGS!!!)))))

Leigh Ann

I think jordaNZone is right. It sounds like you need to get some kind of professional help with this one. Moving house, deleting social pages & changing your mobile number only move the problem somewhere else... the problem still remains.

There are loads of forms of treatment out there... You can get loads of different types of meds, there are conventional "talking" therapies, more unconventional "alternative" therapies such as Hypnosis and Acupuncture and also there are "Herbal" meds which can help as well. But the one thing I must stress is that NONE OF THEM should be undertaken without a fully licenced health professional.

 

Darren

Hey Staveandor,

I think what your feeling is normal, when I've split up with boyfriends before now I've had similar feelings. Confusion is normal too I guess.

I think you need to stop worrying about what is expected and stereotypes and just be yourself. If you need to feel sad for the end of your relationship, then take some time out to feel sad, or if you need to take your mind off it then get out and do different things.

Try and concentrate more on yourself and your feelings.

After taking a day to calm down as much as I feel like I can, I've come to one conclusion: I'm letting her win.

I haven't had my ex in my life for 3 months, and I haven't seen her in almost a month. And yet I'm still very sad, and I still mope around. I still think about her every single day, and dozens of times per day. I don't long for her, I long for the idea of her; or someone to fill the gap. And when I get rejected, I take it really hard and I want to reach out to her and talk to her.

On my way to work this morning, I heard 2 songs that remind me of how I should really be feeling: 1) It's never enough - Five Finger Death Punch and 2) Beautiful - 10 Years.

If you haven't heard the songs, Song 1 is about how no matter what someone does, it's never enough for those around him/her. I very much feel that was the case with my ex; I could never do enough for her and never got anything in return. Song 2 is about how no matter how beautiful someone may think someone else is, if your personality sucks and you're just... not nice, people will eventually see that you're pitiful and not what you claim to be.

This morning I woke up and immediately reached for the spot my ex would have been laying in, were she in my bed. I had some really, really messed up dreams last night and I wanted a hug before I had to come to work. I'm very sad today because I've gone 3 months without one, and I feel like this was the only support system I really had to keep my spirits up sometimes - getting a hug. Now that I have nowhere to turn with some of my most mentally crippling thoughts/fears when the strike, I bottle it all up, and I have days like 7/12 where I just feel like I can't go on.

Today, I do feel like I can go on, but I'm just stumbling along in the dark, alone. There's no one path my feet are on, and no real direction I'm going, I'm just going because I'm still alive. Some people revel in this feeling of "freedom". I am a person that prefers structure and balance. I feel like this "freedom" is nothing at all; like there's no purpose to where I am because there's no goal in sight. And there are no goals I feel I can set for myself at this time because everything is just out of reach and unattainable for one reason or another.

I really appreciate the advice that's been offered to me by everyone on this board. I know you all care, even though I'm a complete stranger. And I feel like a jerk for shutting you down at every turn. I'm sorry, and thank you all for caring so much.

Lyrics for 10 years - Beautiful: http://www.lyricstop.com/b/beautiful-10years.html

Lyrics for Five Finger Death Punch - It's Never enough: http://www.lyrics007.com/Five%20Finger%20Death%20Punch%20Lyrics/Never%20Enough%20Lyrics.html

I'm going though a whirlwind right now, just need to vent.

I can't get my ex out of my head. She's heading to this side of town for work in an hour (if she still has her job) and I have the impulse to call her at work and try to get her to talk to me.

I have NO idea where this came from, but I want it to go away. It would be an incredibly dumb thing to call her, or even try to get in touch with her.

I guess that there's still a part of me that wants her to care what I think, care what I'm doing, care where I am and that I'm safe. And a part of me wants to check up on her, make sure she's not being dumb.

This can't be healthy. I don't love her, but I still care about her. And since I know her so well, I know she's gone down 1 of 2 paths since we broke up. 1) I'm afraid of this one because this is her clinging to any guy that gives her attention. She will do whatever it takes (literally) to feel loved. This was the person I met 2.5 years ago. 2) She had re-joined her church right before we broke up, and path 2 is her joining the church and re-committing to it whole-heartedly.

If path 2 has been taken, I'd be able to relax. If it's path 1... I'd feel like a complete failure as my love and adoration didn't do anything to help her change.

Then again, I realize that she didn't do much to help me change either. I've had to learn things AFTER our break up, and it's entirely feasible that she's doing the same.

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH get out of my head!!

Hey Stave,

Your posts today sound so much better and I'm so glad.  It sounds like you are still spending time missing a "significant other", but you seem to be processing things a bit better now.  You are gaining some perspective about the situation, and I'm so proud of you.  Yeah, I'm a stranger, but I hope you think of the board members here as a new support system.  We may not know you personally, but when you share your thought and feelings with us, we do feel like we are getting to know a new friend.  We are from all over the planet, so someone is usually here 24/7. 

What route your ex takes is her own deal.  You can hope she does the smart thing, but spending any more of you time stewing over it just stiffles your own progress.  I totally get the dream problem you mentioned earlier.  I still get crazy nightmares about my ex's, because at the root of my frustration with both of them, is that I had absolutely no control over either breakup.  Ultimately, I was not a "partner" in either relationship, much to my horror.  Both guys held all the power, and when they left the relationships emotionally, I had absolutely no leverage in determining my fate.  I'm sure you can agree, that's a pretty lousy feeling to realize, especially after the fact. 

When I get my nightmares, they usually revolve around me trying to have some level of control, but I have none, and I wake up pretty pissed off.  Not a great way to start the day by any means.  Where your mind takes you when you are asleep is controlled by your subconscious, and you just have to remember that you can't control where your brain runs off to at night.  Heck, I still have nightmares about my former career as a traveling baby photographer/district manager, which I quit in May of 1994.  That's fourteen years ago and I still have nightmares about having to get to a studio two hours away, that already has a huge line of screaming, waiting customers, cuz my photographer disappeared. 

It was a nightmare in real life, and it still comes back to haunt me in my sleep.  I'm hoping that writing the book I mentioned before will get all those nightmares out of my system.  I'm sure that you won't have nightmares about your ex for anywhere close to fourteen years.  You weren't together for that long, not that (by any means) negates the depth of your feelings for had for your ex, but it does limit the number of significant memories you have for your subconscious to hang on to.  When you feel like it, I would love to hear more about the book you want to write.  It would be great to bounce ideas back and forth with you. 

Anyway, I just want to say again how great it is to hear that you are really processing things better and that you can see that you do have a future to live.

Please continue to let us know how you're doing.  Supporting others helps us too.

Leigh Ann