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So I'm really, really confused now

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Posted 7/16/2008 12:12 PM (GMT 0)

WOW STAVE!!!  You sound great this morning.  See, things are looking up already!!!  I'm so proud of you, especially your increased activity level and making new friends in class already!!!  The new friends I met when I joined my Parrot Head Club mean the world to me, and even when I'm feeling really lousy, I make myself go to whatever function is on the schedule.  I might not get there right on time, but I get there, and that's what matters.  I always have a fantastic time with them, and I'm never sorry that I made the effort to get out of the house. 

Gonna keep this one short and sweet this morning.  I'm taking a short trip with my Dad(who's 75) to go see some extended family that camps yearly at a National park about two hours from here.  He really enjoys this kind of thing, and I want to pack in as many of these special trips as I can.  I'm a Daddy's girl, so spending time with my Pop means the world to me.  I didn't sleep at all last night, but I wouldn't miss this trip for the world.

Hope you have a fabulous day!!!

Leigh Ann tongue

Posted 7/17/2008 2:37 AM (GMT 0)
Today was a decent enough day. Work was busy and irritating as usual, but I made it through it.

I had a reminiscent feeling of a memory of my ex from our 2 month anniversary, while I was at work today. It didn't make me feel good or bad, happy or sad... but it lingered almost all day. It was a weird memory to have. I didn't really even remember this day because it was so awkward. I had to help my ex move out of her parents apartment into her aunts house. My ex was all dressed up, and so was I... and we got stuck packing and moving boxes. That was the first day her mom didn't act like a real b**** to me, and her dad used my name and didn't refer to me as "you".

Honestly, it was one of the better days of our relationship. It was one of the only days I remember truly being "excited' because of how dressed up she got.

After work, I played an online game with my friend for a few hours. I really got myself down because I was still thinking about that day, and I really wanted to connect... with anyone.

I went to kickboxing, and had another excellent work out. I feel physically great at the moment. It was the best work out I've ever had, and they're only getting better. I just wish that I had some emotional level that I could use to strengthen my feeling of "good" and "accomplishment" after my work outs, or even just any/all the time.

Right now, I'm relaxing and winding down. I'm sitting in my quiet apartment drinking a protein shake, thinking about what to eat for dinner, and my buddy is going to come over for a while before I have to get to bed. I work at 5 am - no bueno =(

I feel a level of calm I haven't felt in a while, and it has my ex on my mind. I haven't felt like this since before my break up, and I feel slightly guilty. It's very surreal. I'm starting to feel good-ish without her, and I only think about her when I'm starting to feel good. When I'm down, I think about a myriad of other things... like never finding someone again.

This, when I'm calm, is when I realize that I can feel good (to a certain extent right now). It's also when I realize I'm much better off without her. Mostly, it's when I start to think about her... in every respect, including the possibility of her with someone else. That is a very depressing thought itself, and usually where my downward spiral begins.

I suppose that I really am jealous of what people have, and envious of what I used to have. When I say "what I used to have" I mean a connection, not my ex as a person. I've been talking with people from kickboxing and I've gone out a few times, but I usually psyche myself out when it comes to talking to women my age. And I can't tell if I just want a connection to replace the one I had, or if I'm preparing for the next chapter in my life.

Anyhow, these are my thoughts at the moment.
Posted 7/17/2008 3:48 AM (GMT 0)

Dude,

You've made so much progress in just a matter of days.  You're young, and you'll bounce back quickly.  Take your time processing things, but let things fall into line in your own time.  The kickboxing sounds like a great way to work out your frustrations. 

Don't worry about talking to new females.  You will know what to say when a particular girl grabs your attention.  Talking to people in bars is pretty harmless since you can strike up a conversation with just about anyone.  In my younger days, I was never much for trolling for guys in a bar setting, but since I've entered my second childhood, I can pretty much talk to anyone with a drink or two in me.  Believe me, I've never been the shy, retiring type, but since I'm on the heavy side, I never have any expectations.  I'm definitely no "hooters girl", so I'm pretty much take it or leave it, which frees me up just to have a good time.

Remind yourself that you are just starting out in the game of life.  People your age hardly have much emotional baggage to weigh themselves down.  Count your blessings that you're not starting over in your 40s, and that you're not trying to get over a breakup from someone that you'd been with for years.  That's a much tougher thing to do.  Your improved attitude over such a short time in quite impressive, and I personally can't wait until you're totally back up on your feet.  You're making amazing leaps and bounds...I only wish I had your resiliency(sp?)

Keep up the good work and keep us posted!!!

Leigh Ann cool

Posted 7/18/2008 5:07 AM (GMT 0)
Today was a nothing day, really, but I had a very peculiar feeling - almost like I could sense that I've been on her mind for a while now. I used to love this feeling, because I was always right. Now, I'm afraid of this feeling... because I was always right.

I've always had the ability to 'sense' her. Or at least I convinced myself of this... and she told me that I was always right.

Point and case - She had received an e-mail from an old friend that pissed her off. I told her not to respond, and she told me she deleted it. about 6 hours later, I had a feeling that she was writing him back. I called her and asked why she sent the e-mail, and she asked how I knew. She had just clicked send, and I confirmed the time later when she showed me what she wrote back.

If I'm right, this confirms 50% of what I've been wondering about when I think about her; whether she still thought about me. There are moments when I think about her and get mad/sad, moments where I get no feeling at all, and others that tell me she's thinking about me at that same moment/time frame.

Of course, I will not be calling/texting/e-mailing because this would make me look weak. And I am, to an extent, because I keep thinking/talking about her. And I do not want to be or appear to be weak. But I'm hung up on her... because I want a connection?

I went to my grandmother's 70th birthday dinner tonight with my family, and my brother just kept telling me to stop mentioning her altogether. No matter what I need to say, even if she was involved, I can tell the story and exclude any mention of her. This is a good idea in theory, but how do I do something like this? I don't even know if I could, until I meet someone else...

For as far as I've come, I seem to be stuck in this tug-of-war in my head. I'm mad at her on one end, and I miss her on the other.

Your thoughts?

Post Edited (Staveandor) : 7/18/2008 12:29:56 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 7/18/2008 1:36 PM (GMT 0)

Hey Stave,

Just keep reminding yourself that your are still at the beginning of the process.  I don't recall what exactly what happened to send the relationship south, but you will always have questions in your mind that will crop up occasionally.  The good news is that they will get fewer and farther between.  It's just going to take time.  I think it's good that you seem to more concerned about having a connection with "someone" and not completely hung up on your "ex".  Another relationship will come along, usually when you're not expecting it, and if it's meant to be, you will know. 

Just hang in there a little while longer.  It's getting better.

Leigh Ann cool

Posted 7/19/2008 1:22 AM (GMT 0)
Today has been a horrible day so far, and it's only 6pm.

I've been really depressed all day. I can't get her off my mind. I've tried everything I normally do and nothing works. I'm even so sad today that I skipped kickboxing, and I was upset that I couldn't go last night.

To top it off, I had to go with my best friend to pick up his fiancee's engagement ring. I'm very happy for them, and they're great as a couple. But for me, it was horrible.

I was ready to propose to her this year. We were going to go on a trip right before she started nursing school, and I was going to propose on the trip. The way I saw it is that we would move into a new apt/house together engaged and ready to start our lives together. I couldn't get this off my mind the entire time. Now I get to be subjected to her wearing this ring every day for the next 2 months. It's going to be a constant reminder each and every day that the future I had envisioned is no more. And if I feel the same everyday as I do today, it's going to be an excruciatingly long 2 months.
Posted 7/19/2008 1:33 AM (GMT 0)

Hey there, sorry you had a bad day but can you turn it around and make it better.  First of all you have suffered a loss in your life, the loss of a dream and it is normal to grieve so just let the feelings come, and then let them go.

Stay in the moment. don't dwell on the past or think about the what ifs?  Learn, grow, change, which you are doing but the pain is still with you and all I can do is tell you time dulls the pain but you must do this in your own time frame.

Take care and gentle hugs.  You will make it, believe.

Kitt

Posted 7/19/2008 5:17 AM (GMT 0)

dear sir,

I am curently living with a very depressed spouse and two kids. we are currently undergoing a divorce process. My wife initiated the divorce. But I am just tryng to hang on by not wanting the divorce to happen. we have been  married since 1996.

At first I did not know she has this depression , so we got off to a lot of arguements and fights all the time. we were at the married counselling before but did not work. Now that the real diagnose is revealed, it seems a little to late to save our marriage. People around us (before the diagnose) were pretty much "angry" with my wife 's irrational and strange behavior. They did not understand her behavior until recently.

She hates me so much and also everybody who tries to be on my side. Currently she is taking LEXAPRO but due to the fact she has not been disciplined  she fell into deeper depression everytime she stopped the medication. Another problem is she did not want to admit she has depression, because she is afraid to be labelled "psycho".

What am I supposed to do??

Please anybody help ???

Posted 7/19/2008 4:48 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Sundepressed,

Welcome to HealingWell. Your question is one that has been on the forum many times before, dealing with a depressed spouse. I hope that you can talk her into going back to the doctor, the medication might not be working for her.

The best thing that I know is to not argue with her, it isn't her speaking, it is the disease. Sometimes if you don't reply to her angriness, this can cause her to settle down.

Let her know that you love her and that you don't want the divorce. But you can't change her way of thinking, she has to do that herself. I know this is hard. But hopefully she will get medications and counseling and change her mind about the way she feels.

Keep posting and let us know what is going on with this situation. We are not professionals, but we can still support you through this.

Best wishes,
Karen
Posted 7/20/2008 2:16 PM (GMT 0)

Yesterday was also a pretty bad day. I spent the day reflecting on the past, and looking into the very near future, where my choices are quite limited.

I will have to move in a few months, and I don't like any of my choices. Most likely I will end up moving in with my parents again. To me, this feels like a step backwards. I've been on my own for 2 years, and now I can't afford to live on my own because I don't have a roommate, and obviously, I wont be living with my ex per my original plan.

It's very hard to acknowledge that for as far as I've come in 2 years, I really haven't gone anywhere in the grand scheme of things. 2 years with someone, gone. 2 years on my own just to end up back at home. 2 years building my own life away from my parents influence and establishing myself in this world, and I have to re-conform to rules again.

I feel as if life itself is playing a cruel trick on me, to force me to learn some lesson I'll need later in life that I haven't learned yet through some fault of my own. This has happened before several times in my life, and it wasn't until way later on that I realized I had had to learn something for a reason. Even knowing this though, I don't feel "Ok" about my situation. I just want some level of "good" to come back into my life. Once I feel like I have a good reason to work toward something (goal, person, feeling, etc.) I can push forward. But I feel like there's nothing solid to word towards in my life. Everything I thought I knew is gone. Everything I now know contradicts what I knew before. I just don't know where to go.

Posted 7/20/2008 3:02 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Sundepressed,

Welcome to HealingWell and the Depression Forum.  I started a new topic for newbies to stop into and introduce themselves, so please do if you comfortable with poating a bit about you.

Also you are welcome to start a thread of your own re your situation and issues with dealing with a spouse with depression.

Karen gave you great advice. I know if you start your own thread you  will get a lot of response from the members.

Again Welcome.

Kitt

Posted 7/20/2008 3:11 PM (GMT 0)

Stave,

I am sorry your having a down day today. I think we are a team today as I am in your boat so your not alone my friend.  I will have to work hard today to pick myself up and kick the "stinkin thinkin" to the curb and accept that this is my life and it will have ups and downs. 

Do not feel as if all you have accomplished is for nothing, be proud of what you have done in your life and remember that life is always changing.

You will get through this.  Set your goals, small ones and then work toward them..............one baby step at a time.

Take care

Kitt

Posted 7/20/2008 3:46 PM (GMT 0)

Dear Karen and Skitt,

Thanks a lot for the support and reply. Actually I am trying so that my wife seek proper medication, but just have not figured out how to bring her. She is currently seeing a shrink, but I do not know if she is telling the shrink the whole truth.

Today, we went to see a movie together with the kids. She was a little bit relaxed and seemed "happy". However, once we got home the disease took control of her again. She started blaming me "taking" all her misplaced items like her keys, handphone chargers, and even her exercise tools. I am trying to get as much information about the characteristics of a depressed person from this forum, so anyone out there may be could share, coz this whole disease is new to me and I am trying to find out as much.

Is a depressed person seemed to be absent-minded??? forgetting where to put things or forgetting what they say earlier?? and start blaming when she could not find her stuffs.

I feel really mentally "abused" by the whole thing, but I tried hard to control everything.

I am also worried that my wife has been "teaching" the wrong perceptions of life, she has been suicidal two times in the past 6 months.

thank you. sad

Posted 7/20/2008 5:17 PM (GMT 0)
This sounds normal for depression, though I know that it isn't normal for your wife.

The forgetfulness comes from the mind going from one thing to another all of the time. I wonder if the psychiatrist has her on the right meds for what she is going through. But remember it takes the meds about four to six weeks to take full effect. It sounds like she might need a mood stabilizer.

I wish you the best, don't look at the past with regrets, it is all a learning experience.

Best wishes to you and keep us posted.

hugs, Karen
Posted 7/21/2008 5:48 AM (GMT 0)
Today was the slightest bit better than the last 2 days have been. I was actually able to forget about my ex for a few hours today, and use something that she left behind that I haven't been able to look at for 2 months, but it's too expensive to get rid of.

It doesn't feel "easier" or "better", but today was better than yesterday. I'm really still not feeling like I'm going anywhere. I really just feel hopeless.
Posted 7/21/2008 9:59 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Stavandor,

What you are going through takes time, and with time comes a sense of accomplishment--well away from hopelessness. Hang in there buddy, life, and it's sometimes strange happenings will change for the better.

Take care, Stuart (author) Beyond my Control
Posted 7/23/2008 12:31 AM (GMT 0)
Yesterday I experienced a brand new emotion. I was thinking about my past and how worthless I feel... and I found my "self" wrestling with myself. Almost as if my "self" was trying to show me that I am not worthless; that something is here for me and I am here for something, but now just isn't the time.

Ever since that moment yesterday afternoon, it's been a lot harder to reflect on certain things. I can think about my ex and my past, and still long for the future I thought I was going to have, but for now at least, it doesn't feel the same. It's not paired with an overwhelming pain that drowns every ounce of motivation out of me.

I have no idea how this feeling came about, or why, or how long it will last. I just know that I'm going to kickboxing in about 20 minutes, and just saying that feels good.
Posted 7/23/2008 1:34 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Stave,

That is awesome, I am happy that you are feeling connected. I hope that it lasts for a long time.

It is so hard to explain, everybody is trying to find themselves, but you do that as you grow. And as you get older. Some people never do. But to see young people struggling so, looking for themselves, you try to tell them to enjoy what you have at the time. Life is short. And you should try to enjoy every day.

When I was seeing this therapist a couple of years ago, a young man come into her office with this tee shirt on that said:
I am trying to find myself,
If you see me will you tell myself
that I will be right back.

Something like that. I am probably missing a part. But this made me thing of that shirt.

I hope that you have a great evening,
hugs, Karen
Posted 7/23/2008 9:27 AM (GMT 0)

Dear Karen,

Thanks for the reply. I have spoken with the doctor. The medication seems ok as long as she does not stop taking them (that's my biggest concern). She keeps all her personal belongings in a locked cabinet. She felt that I am going through her stuff behind her back. She would say something like " who shift my jewelery box from here?" I dont even have the key to her cabinet!!!

The doctor suggests a stronger medication for her, in her next visit.

My siblings are really frustrated and "angry" with her because she has been "abusing" me at home verbally of course. I took care of almost everything including my kids. Because she could not sleep at night and she does not feel like doing anything anymore. Its very difficult for me to explain what's going on with my side of the family. But I begin to understand what is life with a depressed partner.

Coming this December, my youngest brother getting married, what would I tell my friends and my relatives if she decided not to show up?? I cannot imagine. My parents will be furious I think. Well the picture does not seem to be very good right now. Keep me posted thank you.

sundepressed confused sad

Posted 7/23/2008 11:18 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Sun,

I hope by December that your doctor will have her on a better or stronger medication. I am sorry about all of the paranoia. That is a part of it. She isn't thinking rational right now, especially when she isn't getting any sleep at night. Does her doctor know about the sleep issues. He could give her something to help her sleep at nighttime.

I know this is hard for you. My mother was the same way when she was alive. And when I was younger. She was paranoid all of the time and always wanted to fight. Never happy. She ended up haveing to go into a hospital for a while and into foster care. I was young when this happened and it really took a toll on me. But my mother had some real issues. She was schitzophrenic and bi polar. And bacl then they didn't have the meds that they have now.

If she can't make it to the wedding, you can always say that she was under the weather, maybe picked up a flu or something. I think that her health should come first and I don't think you want her there if she isn't feeling well. But that is four months off yet, so cross that bridge when you get to it.

Make sure that she keeps her doctor appointments and therapy appointments. She might need a mood stabilizer. I take abilify and it has really helped me along. Maybe something like that is in order. Could you mention that to her doctor?

Anyhow, I wish you the best. Keep posting and let us know what is going on. I am sure that things will get better, as long as she takes her meds. Hopefully they are the right ones for her.

Best wishes to you,
hugs, Karen
Posted 7/24/2008 1:20 PM (GMT 0)

The last few days have been even more confusing for me.

I've kept going to kickboxing and I've been working, but my mood is slipping even farther.

I was having a deep conversation with my friend yesterday, and I just all of a sudden broke into tears. I couldn't control it for over 10 minutes, and then i just lay on my bed and stared at my wall for over 2 hours because I didn't feel the need to move for any reason.

Kickboxing went fine, made it through the class and spent the night alone with no further incident, but I am still very, very sad. I don't even know why I'm sad at this point. I don't know if it's because I lost my ex, because I pity myself so much, or because I pity her for losing me.

All I really know is that I went to bed feeling more tired than I have felt in months, and I slept horribly. I vaguely remember dreaming about her, and I woke up very disoriented this morning. I've been at work for 1.5 hrs now, and I feel as if I haven't slept in 3 days and I was hit by a truck.

I now realize that what I've been wanting is just... what once was. Not even my ex as a person, but more the feeling of being with someone and comfortable in the fact that they would be there when I needed them. Now that I'm single, that's what I've been craving. But I think I may be starting to understand how not healthy that attitude really is.

But I still do want a hug >.<

Posted 7/24/2008 3:41 PM (GMT 0)
Staveandor

Thniking of you and sending you good vibes and hugs to let you know you are cared for by all the members here.  I hope you keep in close contact with your physician as your mood swings continue.

When you fight and resist the way your life is, you create a state of fear and upset that destroys your effectiveness and almost always makes your situation worse.

You close down inside. You lose your ability to see clearly. You get tunnel vision, and you interact in a way that destroys love and creates opposition and resistance against yourself.

The moment you let go, everything seems to change. With the fear and upset gone, you become creative and able to discover solutions you could never have seen before. slowly let go of "waht once was".  Move on and know that you can do this.  You have our support.

Hugs
Kitt


 

Posted 7/24/2008 5:55 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Stave,

I just wanted to send you a cyber hug.((((((((((HUG)))))))))). Know that I am thinking of you. I know how hard it is getting over things. But like Kitt was saying, focus on yourself and the rest will fall into place. Keep doing what you are, stay busy, go to kickboxing and whatever else you enjoy. Try not to dwell on the past. Because that is what it is, the past. You can remember the good times, but keep that at a minimum.

Remember that we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 7/24/2008 11:09 PM (GMT 0)

 Hey Stave,

{{{{{{{{((((((((HUGS!!!!))))))))))}}}}}}}}}

Haven't been around for a couple of days...dealing with some stupid medical problems since Monday.  I skimmed your posts to see how you have been doing, and I noticed you being down about having to move back in with your folks.  It's a great answer for some people and total misery for others.

If you grow up in a household where the emphasis is placed on getting out and on your own at 18 or 21, you get a great feeling of accomplishment when you get out and are supporting yourself at an early age.  Due to the current economy, with the high cost of housing and the slower increase in wages, it's more of an accomplishment to achieve independence at an early age.  In other families, you are expected to live at home until you are ready to get married and start a family.  It works differently in every family.

Many people are finding that they can get out of their parents house early on, but have to go back for a while when their life circumstances change.  I got out when I left for college, but ended up having to live with my parents four years later, cuz I had to attend an additional year of college locally.  When I moved out a year later, I was on my own for thirteen years.  I moved back in with my parents for just a few months after I sold my house, post-divorce, and moved back to my hometown. 

I tell you, I couldn't move out fast enough.  No matter how old you are, you are always your parents' child, and very few parents in this situation can let go and allow you to make your own decisions under their roof.  Being female, my social life went out the window.   Not like I could bring a guy home after a date and have mom and dad sitting there at the kitchen table!!!  Because of all my health problems, when I moved out, I only moved a mile away.  That way, dad was close by to take me to doctors appointments and such, but I wasn't directly under my mother's thumb.  I ended up having to move again (four years later) to a smaller place with no stairs, about a mile from my parents on the other side. 

In your situation, you said you had several months before having to move back in with your folks.  Why not spend that time actively looking for a new, platonic roommate.  A guy or girl similar in age, with whom you have something in common.  Don't put the pressure on yourself to come up with a "new girlfriend" to live with, just someone that you'd feel good with sharing expenses.  Check out local want ads to see if anyone is looking for a roommate.  Moving in with someone else would probably be better for you, taking you out of the location where your relationship went down the tubes.  You know, out of sight, out of mind.  Decide what you have to offer to a roommate and try posting ads up on local bulletin boards around where you live. 

Try looking toward the future as an adventure in growing up.  Don't waste the time worrying about what negatives might be lurking in your future.  Keeping a positive attitude can definitely affect your options is a good way.

Keep in touch.

Leigh Ann cool

Posted 7/26/2008 3:23 AM (GMT 0)
Today was an incredibly difficult day for me.

At first, it was just hard like normal because I was getting hit with random memories of my ex from college and our first dates. I kinda shrugged them off and went about my day. I decided to do some laundry. This was a horrible mistake.

While doing my laundry, I realized my spare blanket had fallen over in my closet. I picked it up to see if I missed some socks or something, and found it. I found a bra that she somehow missed and I somehow overlooked when she moved out.

This really messed with my head because it was a special bra she had bought for me, and it was a very personal thing. Anyhow, I rushed to throw it away, and while I was looking for trash bags, I found a stack of pictures showing her face from our 3 month anniversary.

These 2 things combined overwhelmed me and I lost my mind and started crying. I had a nervous breakdown coupled with an anxiety attack while crying and home alone.

I can't handle this crap anymore. I need to move out of this apartment so bad. I can't wait for October anymore. This place sucks and it's too painful to be here because I keep finding things that were hers, computer files that were hers, and pictures of her. I want to get out and find whatever I need to find to just be done with this crap and move on because it's too painful, it makes me sad and angry, and I just don't want to deal with it anymore.
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