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Posted 8/4/2008 1:25 PM (GMT 0)

Its the same old stuff just need to say it......somedays i seem to be in a free fall heading for the bottom at a rate of knots and i cant stop .......I don't know where its all heading and why .. i just seem to breath everyday not out of want but reflex....in spite of it all i am still here not sure why ????
 
Am i being punished for all the wrong i have and still do, am i reaping what i have sowed, is it just bad luck or is it my own patheticness that leaves me lying broken,sitting wasting away with no will or want just  routine in obligation to others as not to offend or be rude...
 
I have never seemed to know what i want to do in life never lasting long with any job lose motivation drive cant just do something cause i have to it ironic and irrational but its there....
 
my sport i used as escape to be free once became just another cross something i hated but stuck to cause i had to eat and its al i was sort of good at,it started as my escape from the problems of life, my feel good moment as i was accepted noticed and lifted to something more than just an invisible child and pathetic human being it , turned into a career a way to survive ended in an everyday reminder of failure and weakness ......
 
I let it all go as there was nothing left to hold onto my partner and i grabbed onto a opportunity tried something new started dreaming planning hoping took the leap but it blew up things got worse the money wasn't coming in the promises never materialized lost it all .....Hid away from the debtors with there summonses and non stop phone calls .......

Broke up an 8 year relationship that should never have been it was wrong in every way socially physically and biblically we were both just so lonely hurt and lost what we needed was friendship but it turned out ugly and wacked both more hurt and lost than before , it had to happen i just never knew how to walk away and everything that happen i guess was a blessing as i would probable have taken the easy way out by now..... 

the past months alot has happend..ending a relationship dealing with all the issues attached to that, had to stand up and face the debtors face the world, tell them that i wasn't who they got to know had to realize that in spite of what i say they not going believe me and the stigma that went with it wont go away.Had to eat humble pie sleep on someone's couch live off there kindness... lost so called friends endure there betrayal....,endure my ex`s stalking the phone calls the drunkenness the guilt i feel for her inability to deal with it and move on,the continued worry of how it will end..... Watched a friend die ..... lost a niece to a brain tumour..... got burgled...

 I have also found God sorry if that's breaking rules but no other way to say it if i didn't find that hope, i think i would not have survived all that i have it doesn't make me perfect it doesn't take away the problems infact i think the devils is coming at me harder than ever i keep falling and failing .......... still fall facedown in the mud grovelling for a long time not sure how to get up sometimes its real hard to get up again especially if you still not sure why...I know  everything in my life is changing i am changing ......It is just real hard sometimes.....

Posted 8/4/2008 1:46 PM (GMT 0)

Good Morning Dark,

That was a great post and yes you can say you found your God.  I pray that He will help you through the down times and help you remember there is good in this world. 

You keep on fighting and know that I support you. 

Have you tried the journaling yet?  Bless you my friend. I am here for you.

Take care

Kitt

Posted 8/4/2008 1:55 PM (GMT 0)
Dark, You are so articulate - I wish I was as good with words as you are!

I think you have come so far. Your post shows how far you have moved forwards and that truly is an acheivement.
Posted 8/4/2008 3:22 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Dark,

Confused is right, you are very articulate. You could write a book on depression and other things as a matter of fact. You should start something like that.

Yes you have been through so much. You have learned a lot and you have preservered (sp). I would love to see you take the energy that you have and put it into something constructive. Like a book or short story even.

Your discription is so visual. And the way you word things is so emotional. All good things to keep a reader interested. Hopefully you can direct this talent into something that will make you feel really good about yourself.

I am so happy that you have found the Lord. It can be so enlightening when you learn about that. Keep up the good work.

I hope that you have a wonderful day. Know that we are all thinking about you and wishing you well.

Luv and hugs, Karen
Posted 8/6/2008 9:44 AM (GMT 0)
Right now its real hard face down in the mud.......... does that make these ,empty words or a need to believe a desperate grapple at hope ..........
Posted 8/6/2008 11:28 AM (GMT 0)
Dark

You have been through so much in your life,and you are able to stand tall and realize that things need to change.
That is a huge accomplishment.

Leaving the Ex,and moving on.... knowing that you needed something different in your life.
The so called "friends" that you lost,were not really friends at all.
You don't need those type of people in your life,that are going to run at the sign of you needing them.

After my divorce I lost all of my "great friends" and believe me,I was much better off. The ones that stayed are my true friends. It was only a couple,but that was ok.

You stand tall, and you always remember that you are worth being treated right,that you will make things better.

Have you been able to find a job yet? Have you entered into counseling yet?
Posted 8/7/2008 12:32 PM (GMT 0)
journaling but it makes me more depressed....got a 2 hour part time job 3 times a week.. no counceling no money it wont help anyway..... there is no way out of this gone as far as it can.....
Posted 8/7/2008 12:52 PM (GMT 0)
about a month ago I was wher eyou are now. At that time I would never believe I wouls feel hopeful again. I know I will never be always happy But I am doing a lot better YOu just have to hold on. Do you have any hobbies you like or have always wanted to try. Maybe that would take your mind off your problems and help. I know there will be down days--i am wired to worry and replay mistakes but I try to look forward to the good and to see what I do have .

THere is always hope--can you find a place that does counceling for free. do you have a health center.
Posted 8/7/2008 1:10 PM (GMT 0)
HI Dark,

I am so happy that you are starting a part time job, I hope that it goes well for you. You never know, it might be the best thing for you.

Hang in there sweetie, you will be feeling better soon.

hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/7/2008 1:38 PM (GMT 0)

Dear Dark,

Good Morning.  I am glad to hear you are journaling but don't make it to hard. Jot down a thought and it can be happy thoughts or a sad thought, just how your feeling at the moment.

Also don't get obsessed with feeling you must journal everyday, it is ok to take a break....................if you don't feel like going back and reading your old posts in your journal, you don't have to.

Remember the journal is just a place for you to let out your feeliings.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt


Posted 8/7/2008 3:59 PM (GMT 0)
thank you for the replies...havent been this dark in a while not sure why ...just feel so alone hopeless and lost, breathing is effort.... I dont want to complain i hear what everyone is saying its just so consuming this cloud..... wish i just had someone to hold me rightnow cause my strenght is failing me.........
Posted 8/7/2008 4:12 PM (GMT 0)
Dark,

Sending you cyber hugs, ((((((((((((((DARK))))))))))))))). Iknow that it isn't like the real thing, but believe me when I say that I am thinking about you now.

I really hope that you can get out from under this cloud. Did you say that you are working part time now? I think that it will be good for you. You need something to occupy your mind at this time. I think that we tend to think too much and that does get us down. Stay busy if you can.

Best wishes to you and I hope that you feel better soon.

Luv and hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/8/2008 10:16 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you (((((Karen))))))))))
Posted 8/8/2008 11:28 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Dark

Is there a chance that your job could turn into full time with health insurance?
Isn't there any free clinics there that could help you?
Posted 8/8/2008 1:34 PM (GMT 0)
I apprecaite the help and advise and if that option was available i would have taken it i have looked at the options but nothing in my area. in my country things work abit differant health insurance is very expensive and most ppl cant afford it even if they work fulltime in a good paying job.Most have to use goverment clinics and they are overloaded as is with TB , aids and so forth. I have to do this on my own and i am working on it i just get so overwhelmed and tired somtimes that i wonder if its all worth it....... why fight ???

I post when things get really overwhelming i know what i need to do i just get swamped every now and then , i dont know what to write or say i just sometimes need to hear someone cares and know that i am alive .......

so thank you all for the response (((((hug)))))
Posted 8/8/2008 2:07 PM (GMT 0)

Dark,

We care and we are all here praying for you..........now remember you have made it before and you will again this time.  Sending many warm hugs your way.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Despair

If only the world could see what I feel
then, would the world, know who I am
I've loved, lost and feared the world
for it is sometimes too much to bare

Control, power, is what I fear
for I am weak inside and full of pain
I shout and cry, but knowing
there is nobody there to hear me
I swallow the shame and anger
that lies beneath me

I am lost to reality and living in time
Though I am struggling through life
and all that it offers, I am only human
and that is what makes me . . . Me.

Still, I wish for the happiness and pleasure
that I have earned, but realize that, I have
not yet overcome the world's greatest challenge

Love! and how to accept it -
I am ready to face my fears
~ Kimberly ~

Thought this might help you to read a poem by someone else that knows about despair.

You can learn to love yourself and accept love too..........face those fears my friend and you will come out a winner.

Hugs
Kitt

Posted 8/8/2008 3:32 PM (GMT 0)
Dark,

I am happy that the hugs made you feel better. Try to remember that we are here for you always. I hope that today is a better day.

Luv and hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/9/2008 1:42 PM (GMT 0)
Dark

We all care about you very much, I was not sure how it worked over there,I was hoping that you could find some type of help.

You are getting better,and getting on your feet. You might not see it,but we all do. If you want go back and read your very first posts here. There is a huge difference in how you are doing now.

(((((((((((((((((((((((Dark))))))))))))))))))
Posted 8/11/2008 7:22 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you (((((((((((((((((((all)))))))))))))))))))))
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