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So I went to the counselor...

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Posted 8/8/2008 2:37 AM (GMT 0)
So I went to the counselor today.  I tried telling her how depressed I was but she didn't get it.  She doesn't realize how this depression is getting to me.  She wants me to see an eating disorder speacialist.  I am not underweight though I do admit I struggle with anorexia.  I'm 5'4 and I weigh 115 on my good days.  The lowest I have gotten is 109.  So I'm not really bad.  And if you look at me I dont look sick.  So I think he will laugh me out of his office and tell me I'm definately not Anorexic.  I am so scared.  Anyway, the counseling could have went better.  I worked 6 hours today, I was only supposed to work five but a girl didn't show up so I had to cover for her.  I am so tired.  And what sucks is, I know that when I wake up tommorow I'll still be tired.  I wont get any better.  I am so sick of feeling like this.  I hate it.  I hate myself.  There is no reason I should feel this way but I do.  And I hate it. I'm sorry this is such a blah post but I need to vent.

   I am trying not to worry about the tumor my husband has.  But that is going only so so. 

   Anyway, I'm going to go take a bath and take my coctail of meds.  I hope I feel better tommorow.

                        Rachel

Posted 8/8/2008 7:48 AM (GMT 0)
Hiya,

Is there any possibility of you changing councillors if you dont get on with this one? Also, you admit that you struggle with anorexia, so perhaps seeing a eating disorder specialist would be a good idea... it cant hurt. I hope you enjoy you bath and that you feel a bit better in the morning

Darren
Posted 8/8/2008 11:31 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Rachel

I agree with Darren that you might want to change counselors if this one does not work.
I had to do that twice,just didn't feel as though I was understood with them.

I finally found one that understood and it was a big difference.

As far as the eating disorder... I have struggled with it for a very long time. It took me awhile to be able to consider food as something I needed.

Just go,you may be surprised on what actually relates to you in that department...
Posted 8/8/2008 2:43 PM (GMT 0)

Rachel,

The wise ones have already said what I was thinking.................find yourself a new therapist that you can build a trust relationship with and one who understands you and will work with you.

I read in one of your other posts today you do not want to take antidepressants as you don't want to gain weight........in fact you want to  lose another 15 pounds..............if I calculate that correctly..........that would put you are 100 lbs.

Normal weights for women 5' 4" :

Small frame:  116-125,  Medium Frame:  124-132 and Large Frame: 131- 142

IMHO I feel these stats are on the very low side of normal weights but at 100 lbs you would be underweight.  Think about the eating disorder physician.

Take care and hugs
Kitt

Posted 8/8/2008 3:22 PM (GMT 0)
Rachel,

I noticed something in your post. You said that you knew that tomorrow wouldn't be any better. You need to stop thinking that way. At the end you said that you hoped tomorrow would be a better day. That is a better way to think. If you continue to be pesamistic (sp), your life wont get any better. so I was glad to read where you said that you hoped tomorrow will be better. Keep up the positive thinking.

hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/8/2008 5:05 PM (GMT 0)
Rachel I was 5'4 and went down to 79 lbs, i definet;ley had an eating disorder. Im closer to 5'3 now due to my discs in my spine squishing closer together. Now i am at the other end of the disorder, im at least 60 lbs overweight and struggling to lose it. I cant excersice except foe my pool, but u hat the sun, im in bed by 7 do to sheer fatigue.

So I know where coming from you dont want to gain weight on the anti ds, and there ones out there that not weight gaining. But you definatlley dont need to lose 15 ls=bs, that would put you  consideribly underweight, you might want to see the eating disorder specialist, it may help.

Your husband and you your family are in my prayers

Posted 8/8/2008 5:41 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks so much yall. I really do need the support and strength to see this specialist. It is so scary. I just am so afraid of gaining weight that I dont want to go. But at the same time I really want to overcome this monster that has taken over my life. I want my life back. Or I want to start living it for the first time ever. I am only 20 but I dont ever remember a time when I was truly happy or okay with myself. I will call today and make that app. Big prayers for me please!!!

Also, I see a silver lining to this dark cloud of depression. I got my whole house cleaned today which is a big accomplishment for me. I also am going out with my husband and son tonight. So hopefully the good quality family time will make rainbows and shew away the storm clouds trying to hang around. I am in a posative mood today. For the first time in weeks. So I am better. Yay! Thanks so much for all of your advice support and love. And for sharing your stories with me. It is good to know I am not the only one going through this crap. Love to all!!!
Rachel
Posted 8/8/2008 6:07 PM (GMT 0)
alright Rachel,

You got a lot done today. That is wonderful. I hope that you continue to feel better. That is always a plus as we are fighting depression daily. Keep up the good work.

hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/9/2008 3:10 AM (GMT 0)

Rachel,

I already answered this same post in ansiety.  I agree with Karen, you have to stop with the negative and start working on the positive.  Your not going to get past depression unless you look for the good in each day.

Take care

Kitt

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