Living with a depressed husband

Hi All-

I am new here and hope to find some sanity in my currently insane world.  Anyone have any good advice on how to live through the nightmare of a depressed husband?  He takes meds, refuses therapy though so he essentially goes to his PCP and tells her what he wants to be on.  Has given up on trying anything else and is resigned to be miserable the rest of his life.  I am not content having my life essentially be over.  He doesn't talk to me, we don't do anything together, we are room mates.  Anyone else living or have lived through something similar?  Again any advice?

Thanks to all in advance who respond.

Thanks Karen!

He has switched in the past so many times with very little change so he has given up and will not change anymore. SIGH........I look forward to the support this site may offer, and boy right now I need it!

He has been on them for over a year. He turned 40 in May and things just plummeted after that........his pessimism has taken over. One thing I have learned from reading some posts here is that the mean things he says and the way he says them aren't him talking but the depression.......I just am at a loss of what to do and what not to do to get through this......honestly I am ready to ask him to leave because I am not sure I can take it anymore. The person I married no longer is there and I am not sure he is ever coming back.

No there is no abuse, that would seal the end! Ironically we were separated for over a year 2 years ago. He spent time alone and I enjoyed my time apart, some happenings led to an "eye opening" on his part and he agreed to therapy individual and couples he started being the husband I married and the friend I had. His individual sessions seemed to be going well.....she sent him to a MD to adjust his meds, she wanted him to start lithium. He then researched and decided that he would not take that. We then started couples therapy and after 1 session he refused to go back. He accused them of ganging up on him and blaming him for everythying. I continued with my therapy until about 1 year ago when things were going very well. Like I said he refuses to go to therapy and pretty much tells his PCP what he is going to take.........I hate going home.......there is no one to talk to and just a feeling on lonliness and cold. He takes full responsibilty for our rapidly failing marriage yet he really does nothing to help fix it. I asked him for a plan last night as his usual answer to the question "how are we going to fix this" is "it will be fine". He does not have a plan and pretty much said he can't give me one. Nothing concrete for me to hang onto............We are going on 7 years and probably 4 of those have been some version of what I am living now.

Funny I am a smart, nice looking woman with a fantastic job and friends who think I am nuts, but they don't understand the whole picture. I can't help but keep thinking that if our roles were reversed he would have bailed long ago.

enough rambling:)

Thanks again!

JD68

Welcome to HealingWell and the Depression Forum. I am sorry that you are having problems and want you to know that you are not alone with this issue.

Living with a depressed person is often an emotional drain, and the relationship provides little support and revitalization for you, the functioning partner. Seeing the your husband  sad and dejected is often painful and upsetting by itself.  Sometimes the helplessness the functioning partner, you in this case,  feelings turns to anger at and rejection of the depressed partner.

I hope that you can seek counseling for yourself to help you sort out your feelings and also your husband will agree to counseling.   You cannot control his behavior only yours.

Keep posting and know we are here for you.

Again a warm welcome

Kitt

 

JD,
Welcome! You are in a very tough situation. I am living with a husband who suffers from depression. You can read my original posts. It was very tough for about 18 months. It has been better for the last 6 months or so. This site was a big help for me.
It is hard to figure out what to do and where to go. You are making great decisions. Going back to counseling and trying to remember what is the disease and what is him. You are taking steps in the right direction.
Lynne

Hi Jennifer,

I am so happy that you are getting help from the site. That is what we are here for. And I hope that you continue to utilize this place. Everybody here is kind and compassionate and understanding. There are many who have suffered with depression in their families and know exactly what you are going through.

I truly wish you the best.

hugs, Karen...

Well yesterday was bad again.......DH came home at 4pm promptly went to bed, got up about 945 and had a bowl of ceral and then went back to bed.  Thank god he still gets up and goes to work everyday!  Not sure I want to go home anymore.  I want to be supportive I really do but this is a nightmare for me.  I am not sure I have it in me to just stand back and wait for it to get better, especially since at the moment he is doing nothing.  No calls to his physician, no talks about seeing a psychiatrist....nothing.  For better and for worse........geez this is worse:(  Thanks all for listening.....Jenn

Dear Jenn

My heart goes out to you and I can feel the pain in your posts.

One of the central defense mechanisms people use to deal with depression is denial. People, understandably, do not like to admit that they are depressed. Others just act depressed and flat out deny that there is anything wrong. Life is too short to live it out with someone who is depressed, in denial and refuses to get help.
.
While denial is a maladaptive choice for a truly depressed individual, it is an unfair choice for a person with a spouse. Sadly, the problem is a fairly common one.

In most cases the non-depressed partner wants to do whatever they can to help.

Another reason that a person should not tolerate living with a depressed partner is that often what appears to be depression can actually be an undiagnosed physical problem such as a thyroid problem or other endocrinological disorder. When a person gets resistance from a depressed partner about getting help for depression, it's often helpful to start a treatment process with a general check up to rule out another medical illness. Most people who might feel it is harsh to insist someone see a psychiatrist, can make their first step by insisting on seeing the family doctor. If there is no medical problem, often the family physician will be a better candidate to recommend psychiatric treatment than the spouse of the depressed person.

I think it's fair to insist he  get treatment if he wants to continue being married but this IS an illness. It is a very difficult decision for you and I hope you see a therapist for yourself. I would never tell you what to do but I would also never judge you for making the decision that you feel is best for your own mental health.

Bless you
Kitt

I to have a depressed husband. He is on Lexapro and Seraquil for sleep. The sleep meds have caused him to have a sleep disorder.   We are no longer sleeping together because of this. He is also on a depression forum. These people have become a big part of his life. Only problem is he has started smoking, drinking and his spiritual walk has suffered greatly. So has our relationship. I have gone through depression as a result of his unhappiness. But my depression has to do with insecurity. It has been hard. It has been tearing me up inside. This along with my own depression has been difficult. He wants to visit these people who are located in the United Kingdom. This is going to cost us a lot of money that we don't have. Everyone thinks he is crazy for going to see people he only knows on the internet. But he has made it know that He won't give up these people and if he is not allowed to go then he will be more apt to quit our marriage. I have lost 17 pounds in just over 2 and a half weeks. I can hardly eat and I have diahrea all the time. I am just beside myself. This is not my husband. It is as if he has been taken from me and replaced by someone else. We are in Maui for vacation with his family. It is a special trip for his parents 50 anniversary and our 25th. It was suppose to be a week to reconnect and rebuild our relationship but he has been distant. I bought something sexy to wear for our special night out. I don't think this is going to happen. He can hardly stand being around me alone. If anyone has any advice I would appreciate it. It is killing me. It is hurting my children. I am new to the forum and would appreciate anything anyone has to say.

Edit: I am sorry I altered your post slightly as we do have members as young as 13 on the forum.  I do not think the minor edit has changed your post and the expressions of your feelings. :)

Thank you so much and Welcome to the forum.

Kitt

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 8/8/2008 8:14:38 AM (GMT-6)

Jenn,
My family is not supportive of me staying with my husband. To get hubby in to treatment I had to pick up the kids and leave going to my parents house. I had to do this twice in the last year. Each time resulted in him going to a psychiatric hospital for treatment. The second time he actually got the help he needed. My parents did not want me to come back. What I have learned is never ever talk to anyone in my family about my unhappiness or say anything negative about my husband. Unhappy talk and negatives about hubby are saved for my friends here and one very close friend and my therapist. My friend and therapist are more likely to cut him a break, my family never will. As a mom I understand this because I would HATE to see my daughter ever in a relationship like the one I am in now.
Getting a physical for the thyroid check is a great idea. It was step one for getting help for my husband. I brought home books on thyroid issues and pointed out symptoms that he was having. He made the appt. Hubby respects his doctor, so when the tests came back and said no thyroid issue and the doctor said he thought it was a severe depression Hubby began treatment.
This is a very tough situation. I remember too well the days when he would get out of bed once a day for a bowl of cereal and then go back to bed for 24 more hours. I thought I was the only one in the world who had to deal with it--then I found this site. You are not alone. As you struggle through this, remember even if he gets better, the chances of relapse are great. There are days when my husband still will makes the choice to stay in bed til noon or later. It hurts my heart and upsets the kids when this happens. It is a daily struggle.
Lynne

Wow Lynne and Shy you guys keep hours like me:) Thanks for the support and your right Lynne I have learned this week that I cannot talk to my family about this only my therapist and here. My family will not cut him any slack either, which I guess I understand yet I don't.....this is a disease. However he is not getting help so that would be their main beef. I did ask DH last night if we could make an appointment with his PCP (which he trusts completely) to talk about his meds as they clearly have lost their affectiveness. His comment was maybe, but she really doesn't know anything about these types of meds. WELL DUH!! ya think. Jeez what do I know. So I said well she's the only one you will see, right? So you have to see someone. SIGH.......but maybe that comment means he's thinking he should see someone that specializes in these drugs? Maybe I am being stupid and just dreaming:) Time will tell.

It's friday the start of the weekend....it's got to be better than the last few doesn't it? Today WILL BE a better day darn it!

-Jenn

Jenn,
This is how I got over the bump in the road that you are facing. See if it works for you: If your DH trusts his PCP suggest appointment for a full physical with tests for thyroids. Ask to go with him. There are several different type of thyroid tests, ask the PCP about them and get them all done. Men do get thyroid problems that are sometimes thought to be depression as thyroid issues with men is less common. Try to get DH to agree to let you go to the PCP physical. Ask the PCP if the thyroid tests are negative and it is depression, bring list of symptoms, is there a specialist in the area that she could recommend. Do not mention the word psychiatrist, let the PCP do that. Convince your DH that you really think this is thyroid and act totally shocked when it is not. Either way, thyroid or depression, your pcp is key to getting your DH back. Another idea is to go onto a prescription website and analyze every drug that deals with depression. Suggest ones that will help. For example my DH slept all the time. I looked for anti depressants that resulted in hypersomnia. I suggested the combination that worked for my DH--not the psychiatrist. By letting the psychiatrist know I had read studies and was knowledgeable in the drugs and symptoms gave him confidence to try my plan. It may have been dumb luck, but whatever he can get out of bed, which is something he could not do last November.
Do this sooner rather than later. I let this situation go on for far too long before I addressed it. It practically destroyed our family, I would hate to see anyone else go through this.
I found these two books very helpful:
Depression Fallout: The Impact of Depression on Couples and What You Can Do to [Paperback]
By: Anne Sheffield (Author) ****see website www.depressionfallout.com
I Don't Want to Talk about It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression [Paperback]
By: Terrence Real (Author)

Both authors have other books. There are great reviews on amazon. com so you can get an idea if either book will help you out.

Take care!
Lynne