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Posted 8/9/2008 1:56 AM (GMT 0)
Lynne-

Thanks so much..........I ordered those two books and two others.....Unfortunately though I know it's not anything other than the depression  as he was diagnosed 20 years ago....he goes for yearly physicials (thank god) but hates the thought of whatever he went through 20 years ago with a psychiatrist.......oooook now here's the kicker of the evening.........

....he has been a recluse for a few weeks and tonight I had a going away party to go to for a coworker.......emailed him at work and asked if he would prefer to stay home or go....I made it clear that I would prefer to spend time with him however I understood if he was not wanting to....but I needed to get out for a bit.  He asked if I could find his shirt (he has been looking for , for some time and said it's not in our closet, I looked)  So I went through the boys closets, my closet, the linen closets unfolding all the towels etc......then I decided to check our closet as what if it fell off the hanger and onto the floor, shelf below etc etc....... I do not find the shirt....but a gun. He does have anxiety / panic attacks and worries about these things but then that's where a discussion is needed not just a blatant disregard for my feelings.....

Ok I have told him I WILL NOT have guns in my home.......so he snuck it in.  No discussion nothing.........

Ok long enough....I went to my party alone.....had an OK time......still very upset that he did what he did and then really could care less about my feelings so I went alone.......lonely lonely lonely......that is my life right now.

Brought my son home a mcdonalds meal and threw the frisbee for my two dogs........not bad I guess for a friday night in retrospect......could have been better......so much for my darn weekend!

-Thanks for listeing to my rambling.....Jenn

Posted 8/9/2008 1:59 AM (GMT 0)
I should clarify that he was mad at me.....because he "needs" the gun to feel safe.  Sorry but I need a key to that gun to feel safe...........Anyways so apprently I "messed" things up again......he didn't do anything.

Sigh,.......Jenn

Posted 8/9/2008 3:01 AM (GMT 0)
I guess that he feels having the gun to protect the family. And I think that he didn't tell you because he knew (or thought) that you would disagree with him. You said something about a key, is the gun locked up? I think that he should have discussed it with you first. I hope that you two can resolve this. I know that you feel betrayed, but I don't think that men look at it that way. I think that he thought that he was being the protecter. If it were me, I would have wanted to know that the gun was there. And I would want a key to it and know how to use it. But I have guns in the house and I have my own. I really think he should of made you aware of it because of the kids. Hopefully they can't get at it. I am sorry that you found out this way, but I am glad that you did find out.

And again, I hope that you two can resolve this issue and come to an understanding.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 8/9/2008 3:19 AM (GMT 0)
I told him I would not have it in the house without my having a key.....He has one and if he should not be there, what point is there protecting the "family" if he was the only one with the key........................The bottom line is he did not discuss this with me and he knew how I felt. I am open to his feelings if he wants to talk about them but he doesn't he just implements what ever he wants/needs to make him feel ok.......That is not fair! If I would have done something he asked me not to....I would still be listening to it.


BIG SIGH........Jenn
Posted 8/9/2008 3:31 AM (GMT 0)
I can relate to that. Often men feel that way. And it isn't fair. I am sure that he is sorry that you found it. But it isn't right for you to feel like you have done something wrong by finding it. Things should go both ways.

This reminds me of something that my first husband did. He would always try to make me the bad guy in the situation. He figured that whatever he did would be okay, but if I did something like that I would never hear the end of it either.

I hope that he comes around and realizes how you feel and understands. Be consistant with this. And let him know how important it is to you. Maybe you can talk this out.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 8/9/2008 12:41 PM (GMT 0)

Good Morning,

Reading that your husband has secretly brought a gun into your house raises red flags IMHO.  A depressed person and a gun are not a good fit at all. I would get that gun out of the house as you are putting yourself and son at risk.

If he is worried about being safe in his house, get a child friendly guard dog.....Dobermans, if you get one when it is a  puppy, will make a great guard dog as well as a family companion. They are protective of the ones they love.  Besides all they have to do is bark and no one will try to enter your home.  It would also alert your husband and he could call 911 for help.

There are many other ways to secure your home, a alarm system is another choice.  But a gun in the hands of a depressed person is not good. Make sure you and your child are safe.

Take care
Kitt

Posted 8/9/2008 1:20 PM (GMT 0)
We already have two dogs.....both big and both protective......It's his anxiety that makes him believe that he is safer with a gun. I plan on discussing this further, for that I am certain.
Posted 8/9/2008 1:46 PM (GMT 0)
Hi,

I'm living with someone dealing with depression. When I read your post about the gun, that sent alarms off for me. I have nightmares about my fiancee hurting himself. I just couldn't have a gun in the house.

Please get some advice from the professionals (therapists/ doctors) in your life about handling this asap.

m.
Posted 8/10/2008 4:54 PM (GMT 0)
lynne thank you. he was so vibrant and outgoing. coached socceer. it just seems like work just gets harder and harder. doesnt want to complain. he doesn't want to go to dr because he will look like a whining sissy. i will look at books. the throid idea sounds go to.
janie
Posted 8/10/2008 6:05 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Janie,

I just wanted to welcome you to the HealingWell forum. You will find that there are a lot of kind and compassionate members here. Keep posting and tell us some more about yourself if you would like to. We have an introduction thread if you would like to post on there.

Best wishes for a lovely day

hugs, Karen
Posted 8/12/2008 12:05 AM (GMT 0)
JD,
DH did the same thing. Without telling my husband I took all the guns to my parents. When I spoke with his doctor I was advised not to have any fire arms in the house. As DH would have had an absolute fit, I just took them. When he could not find it, I simply told him he must have hid it from himself. He still looks for them.
I was sure my husband was depressed and did not have a thyroid issue--but it was the only way I could get him to get treatment without him blaming me or having a huge fight.
Lynne
Posted 8/12/2008 12:19 AM (GMT 0)
Lynn,

It sounds like things are going well for you. That makes me very happy. Best wishes.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 8/12/2008 1:00 AM (GMT 0)

Hello Janie,

Welcome to the forum and your advice is aliigned with mine. :-)

We have a thread for new members and I will pop it to the top for you.

Glad to have you with us.

Kitt


Post Edited (stkitt) : 8/20/2008 4:50:47 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/12/2008 1:18 AM (GMT 0)
LOL...Thanks Lynne I like your style.

I will do that.

-Jenn
Posted 8/20/2008 10:37 PM (GMT 0)
JD68,

As a depressed husband I know it has taken a toll on our relationship. I finally told my wife after 14 years and now we are going to go to counseling. Much damage has been done to our marriage by me denying my depression and not telling her about the abuse from my childhood. I truly hope we can get better and I wish the same for you and your husband, too.
Posted 8/20/2008 10:54 PM (GMT 0)

Dear Jenn,

Wondering how you are and if things have improved for you at all.  We are all concerned about you so let us hear from you when you have time.

Gentle Hugs
Kitt

Posted 8/21/2008 12:30 AM (GMT 0)

Hey Kitt (all)

I am well....on vacation with my boys.  DH is going to the PCP tomorrow morning, so we shall see what happens.  He is supposed to come here and join us for a few days.  I have been reading up on this insidious disease and the ramifications....I have learned lots and look forward to seeing what his choice will be.  I know what mine is and now feel even more impowered to stand by that decisions knowing what I know now.

This is the get away I needed and I appreciate every moment of serenity I am having.

I will have more in the next few days after his appointment I am sure.....Thanks Kitt for your reply I appreciate your thoughts and will keep you posted.

Love to all.....Jenn

Posted 8/21/2008 12:36 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Jenn,

I hope that everything goes well when your husband joins you on your vacation. I am happy that you are having a good time. Enjoy!

Hugs, Karen
Posted 9/22/2008 4:16 PM (GMT 0)
Hi. I am new to this site. I am living with a depressed husband. He has been taking meds for a year and a half and going to counseling for about 2 years. In that time, he was passed over for a major promotion, his father died, he tore his rotator cuff, he retired, I got fired (long story there) and I started a new job. High stress! He has fought with suicidal thoughts and about three weeks ago let me know that he had a plan. I called his therapist and took him to the hospital. We waited in the emergency room for 8 hours before he was taken to the mental health unit. The next day he told me that they were planning to release him the next day. I went to the nurse's station and told them that I needed to talk to the doctor to see what the follow-up plan would be and what I could expect in the way of improvement. I was told that the doctor does not meet with the family but the social worker would call and set up a time to meet with me. Late the next morning, the social worker called to set up a meeting and told me that he had been released that morning. He was supposed to call me to tell me, but he told them that he thought it was too soon and then laid in bed until I showed up. He is on several medications and going to an out-patient clinic three mornings a week. Sunday (yesterday) he was in bed all day. I am trying to be supportive and try to nudge him into doing small things to help himself. He keeps talking about what terrible choices he has made and the disrepair of the house and the mess our finances are in. (We've all made bad choices - his are not at all dramatic, we need to upgrade the storage in our laundry room, and while we are making much less now than we were making a year ago, we'll be fine.) I have tried the approach of having him be specific instead of globalizing, of refuting his statements, of using reflective listening, and of asking him to think of one small thing he could do to fix things. His meds have been changed. I am getting weekly counseling, friends are calling him to show interest and concern. Meanwhile, I am doing most of what needs to be done to maintain the household, being his cheerleader and companion, and learning a new job. I feel like I'm competing with a stronger, more conniving contender for his attention and affection. That contender is depression ad it is much more powerful than I am. I've read the above mentioned articles and am reading one of the books. I am the keeper of the light at the end of the tunnel but the fuel is being depleted and the light grows dimmer. This is not an uplifting post. I apologize. I just needed to vent. Thank you.
Posted 9/22/2008 5:48 PM (GMT 0)

blueskies

Hello and Welcome to HealingWell.  You have come to the right place as we have the fuel you need to keep you going.  You are doing an amazing job and now you have all of us to talk to.

May I suggest you make a thread just for you, click on the new topic and post away.  You can even copy what you have written here.

I want you to have the benefit of meeting all the members and receiving suppot and advice from them.

I applaud you for reading and trying to be all for everyone else but please remember you must take care of your first.  Give yourself  permission to take care of you.

Again Welcome.  I will be looking for your thread. :-)

Gentle Hugs
Kitt

Posted 9/27/2008 3:56 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Blue Skies,
Been where you are--and it is tough. It can get better. You are doing all the right things. The mental health care is not the greatest. You really have to push. Health insurance pushed hubby out of inpatient way too soon--they wanted outpatient which just did not work well. Hopefully the right med combination for your husband will be quickly found.
Keep plugging away. The issues you mentioned are just part of life. Once his head is clear it will be easier for him to understand.
Lynne.
Posted 8/7/2009 5:23 PM (GMT 0)

Hi, I'm new also, just signed up to forum. My husband is going through terrible depression as well. He has been dealing with family drama and is trying to "fix" all of these very sick people (drug addict adult daughter, and brother, and handicapped sister). It is absolutely horrible watching him go through all of this pain. He is drinking and smoking (legally) to numb himself from his pain, which I can barely tolerate.

Here I am left with extreme lonliness. I hate this feeling. He is a good man, but is seriously killing himself trying to help others. I am not sure how long I can live with this black hole of depression. I have a hard enough time staying in a non-depressed state myself and this is just crazy-making.

So, what has helped me? I've been attending meetings on codependency, which have really helped me, and going to therapy. Also, going to yoga and excersizing a lot. Just taking the best care of myself that I know how to do, since I cannot help him at all. I'm learning to detach with love.

He keeps telling me to hang in there because this will get better soon..... I hope I am not crazy for staying. I do love him and hope he gets through this... and I hope our marriage makes it though this!

Worried Wife.

I am sorry that I had to remove one word out of your post.  I guess even though it is legal, we aren't suppose to mention it.  But I am sure that the other members understand what you are talking about.

Hugs, Karen

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 8/7/2009 11:35:36 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/7/2009 5:37 PM (GMT 0)
Hi CsW,

Welcome to the depression forum. I am so glad that you have joined us. And please know that you are welcome to start your own thread and introduce yourself if you feel comfortable with that.

It sounds like you are taking many steps to help yourself and I am happy for that. Please keep up the good work, and keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 8/7/2009 5:51 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you Karen. I will start a new thread. It's been a rough day so far.
Posted 8/9/2009 3:40 AM (GMT 0)
I hope that you had a better day today.

Hugs, Karen
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