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Posted 9/18/2008 8:04 PM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone, didn't know where to turn so the ol computer is here.  Probably have a familiar story.  Vietnam Vet, PTSD, chronic depression, yadayada.  The depression part has a strangle hold on me at this time.  I feel awful, both physically and mentally.  Been here many times before but once again there is no joy in life...NONE!  Trying to battle it and keep busy (no job in years) but having a tough time staying out of bed or drinking.  bad thoughts going through my head but have made no immediate plans.  I would like to say I'm a christian but sure don't act like one.  I feel so old, so hopeless, so unhappy.  Have the drugs and have had all the treatment of the shrinks over the years.  Don't seem as if anything helps.  I'm sure I'll be drinking soon to feel better for awhile...then worse tonight and tomorrow.  I guess you get the drift.  Don't know what else to say.  The beat goes on.  Doug
Posted 9/18/2008 11:45 PM (GMT 0)

Dear Doug,

Welcome to HealingWell and dang you are feeling lousy, I picked that up in your post. shocked

Well let's help you kick the "stinkin thinkin" to the curb and it can be swept away by a street sweeper. smhair

Know your personal limits. One of the chief causes of anxiety is when a person takes on more than he can handle. Know your limits as to what you can do and how much you can do. It will go a long way in reducing anxiety in life. Reducing anxiety is not hard to do once a person knows how to it. The one principle to keep in mind is if you have any doubts about reducing anxiety on your own, seek professional help. idea

When your fears and depression have the best of you, it is easy to feel that things will not get any better. This is not true. There is much help available in today’s society and the best way to deal with your fears is to find effective ways to overcome them. Here are some techniques you  can use to help manage your  fears.

Challenge your negative thinking with positive statements and realistic thinking. When encountering thoughts that make you feel fearful or depressed, challenge those thoughts by asking yourself questions that will maintain objectivity and common sense.. eyes

Take advantage of the help that is available around you. If possible, talk to a professional who can help you manage your fears and anxieties. They will be able to provide you with additional advice and insights on how to deal with your current problem. By talking to a professional, a person will be helping themselves in the long run because they will become better able to deal with their problems in the future. Managing your fears and anxieties takes practice. The more you practice, the better you will become.

Please do not turn to drinking as alcohol is a depressant and it will only bring you down, it will not solve your problems.  sad

Know you have joined a wonderful forum and keep writing to us, let your thoughts out, let us help you.

Respectfully
Kitt
Posted 9/19/2008 12:56 PM (GMT 0)
Heej Doug!

I totally agree with Kitt, professional help is the way to go, although I am not sure if that is an option for you. Can't you remember happy times you have been through, or things that used to make you happy? I think that are many things that will make you smile upon life again, but you just forgot them, and the happiness they bring.
Coming here and saying what bothers you is a sign that you have had enough of the bad thoughts, and want them to stop. This is a huge step, and for that I am proud of you!

Just remember that you can always talk to us, and that talking is a great way of discovering yourself again.

I wish you all the best, and I hope to hear from you again!!
Erik
Posted 9/19/2008 1:31 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the replies Kitt and Erik. I did drink a 6 pack last night and as predicted slept bad and feel tired and run down this morning. I know the drinking MUST stop but can't seem to do it try as I may. I hate being a quitter so maybe that's why I'm still around, still battling. Your support will help me to go on. I do go to the VA hospital but now it's mostly for med check and out the door. They have the younger Vets to deal with now so us Nam folks are just kind of being put on maintenance (Which I understand). They feel they've done about all they can do with us. Again, I tend to agree with that so we must find other avenues for help and somone to talk to.
I have been diagnosed with a whole slew of stuff from PTSD to Bi-polar. The depressed side of the bi is what I deal with 99% of the time. The mania feels GREAT but I do really stupid stuff, spends oodles of money I don't have, plus I have NO FEAR which can be dangerous given the wrong circumstances.
Had a very bad marriage right after the Army which lasted 4 LONG years. Produced a daughter who does not like me anymore. Blames me for all the bad stuff she goes through. I wanted to talk to her and she said fine but not about the past. I'm pretty sure she thought I was just going to trash her mother. (I wasn't). Just wanted her to know how much it hurt me to let her go which had to be done at the time so long ago. She has 2 sons now who I don't see. A lot of pain and guilt over that whole thing. The way she is now, I must admit, I don't like her either but will always love her.
Going outside to try and get motivated to do something. My wife and I have a big farm here in N Wi but not a working farm. It's my sanctuary which can be a double edged sword. There's nothing I HAVE to do but much that can be done. Thank you, Doug
I'll be back.
Posted 9/21/2008 11:32 AM (GMT 0)
Doug,

Just checking in with you, hope all is going well.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 9/21/2008 1:48 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Karen. At this terrible time for you, you still have the time to check on me?? You're a peach. Nothing's changed yet. Still feel like crap, tired all the time, trying to put one foot in front of the other. Gonna keep trying to motivate today and do something besides sit around or sleep. At my age (58), the less I do, the worse I feel both physically and mentally. Was trying to offer some encouragement to others here but am having a hard time even reading the posts, especially the longer ones. Once I can get back on track, perhaps I can offer more. Makes me feel better when I can help someone else. Wife is going to be gone all of next week so will be alone. Not sure if that will be good or bad. Hugs back, Doug
Posted 9/21/2008 2:00 PM (GMT 0)
Heej Doug,

No worries 'bout the future :). I was wondering if you got a hobby? Finding a thing you really like to do can be a great help in times you either feel bad, or when you are alone. First I hated to be alone, right now I love it (well, when there is a piano or other instrument around). And when I feel bad, I just start to put all my emotions into my music.

Maybe there is a long forgotten dream of something you always wanted to do. I think now is the perfect time to awaking your lost ambitions. Maybe it is something simple like cooking or gardening, or repairing an old car. Or maybe it is something totally different. But it will give you joy to see how your hard work will turn into something beautiful.

All the best, and keep on writing!!
Erik
Posted 9/21/2008 3:08 PM (GMT 0)
HI Doug,

My husband was in the AF. I've been married to military for 30 years. I have a lot of family that was over in Vietnam. My H did not have to go to war but he did his part in dessert storm. He like you can not talk about all he did in his job, and I've learned through the years not to push. But you can always turn to the VA for help, even if its for a hobby like Erik has talked about. I to have been diagnosed with bi-polar and major depression. And I find it hard at times to keep my faith. There is so much you can do to get involved in.

Maybe you could talk to your church and do something with the youth, if you have a farm. I find I'm better if I'm around someone. But its harder for me because I also have crohn's which has kept me almost house bound for 2 and a half years. I was always out and about before then. I find being around kids seem to help me. and I do crafts, my H he does leather crafts, and we go to craft shows 2 or 3 times a year.

You just have to find what will work for you. There is always someone out there that needs a helping hand. I try to keep my mine going all the time. That way you have no time to sit and ponder.

I will keep you in my prayers,


Dawn turn turn
Posted 9/21/2008 3:15 PM (GMT 0)
You all are coming up with some really good suggestions. I myself am use to being alone, I kind of like it. But I do talk to myself at times so it is like I am not alone at all.

Being here is good for me, it keeps my mind occupied. Which I need right now. I don't want to think too much.

I hope that you all are having a wonderful day.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 9/21/2008 3:39 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Erik and dawn. Thanks for the comments and suggestions. I used to enjoy sports such as softball but can't do that anymore. (Can't run). Once in awhile, I go golfing with my sons in law. They live kind of far away and I don't like to go alone or play with people I don't know. (Social anxiety thingy). I do like to tinker with cars and motorcycles when I feel the urge. Last winter I bought a 1966 Honda and restored it as best as I could. That was very satisfying but expensive too finding parts. I was trying to recapture my youth in a way because the Honda 150 Dream was exactly like the first bike I ever had when I was 16.
I need to be careful here not to get even more depressed because when I read about some of you folks' problems, mine seem so insignificant. There is really not much wrong with me physically that I don't inflict on myself. Overeating, oversleeping, lack of excercise, etc causes more and more weight gain and lethargy. I could lose about 40 pounds but not til I dump the sauce. Beer makes me eat 2 3 times more than I should. Problems with joblessness and other old issues contribute to super low self esteem. I don't want to die but I think about hurting myself in some way. On the other hand, I don't want to scare my loved ones anymore than they already are. I wish I just didn't care but I do.
God bless, Doug
Posted 9/21/2008 5:11 PM (GMT 0)

Good Morning Doug,

Well let's work on you today.................first of all smile.  smilewinkgrin You will feel better.  Lose the sauce.  It is a depressant.  You know the old "crying in your beer" saying. devil

You do not have to campare your issues with anyone elses.  Your issues are yours and you have a right to them. Everyone of us is here for some reason. 

People who have poor self-esteem tend to focus on and magnify their perceived shortcomings, and ignore their strengths and achievements. It's like looking into the mirror and seeing a warped picture - a bit like the ones at fun parks that make you look distorted - completely blowing reality out of proportion.

You are a good and kind person who is in the dark right now so start to climb up out of that hole.

You have run into a female biker, Harley Sportster 1200cc. cool I am soooooo cool.  I look at the young chicks on their bikes and boy do I feel old........but hey nobody knows me so I ride free.

My hubby loves to work on bikes and rebuild and sell them, he has yet to make a profit but he loves to do it. rolleyes

Go with your passions and have fun.  Do you have a pet?

Well today is your day Doug, I dedicate this day to you.............enjoy it, laugh and just be you.  The world is a better place because you live and serve within it.


Lots of hugs,

Kitt

Posted 9/21/2008 5:39 PM (GMT 0)
Wow Kitt,

You have a Harley? That is too cool. I bet it feels awesome to just ride. The freedom of it all.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 9/21/2008 5:43 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Doug,

Just want to say that being you are going to be alone for a week, keep in touch. We are here for you. Hope that we can help you while your wife is away.

hugs, Karen
Posted 9/21/2008 5:46 PM (GMT 0)

Doug,

Karen is right on.  You do not have to post about your sadness, share with us some of the fun times you have had over the years.

We are here to help.

Hugs

Kitt

Posted 9/21/2008 6:14 PM (GMT 0)
WOW Kitt! All that for little old me?? You already made me smile biker babe! I have a Sporty too. An 87 1100cc. I use it whenever I can with the price of gas and all that. Talked to my wife this morning about buying a 67 Suzuki X6 Hustler. (Another blast from my past). I have my eye on it but it's in Ohio, about 7-800 miles away. Would get me through the long winter ahead restoring it. At first she said something like "OMG DOUG"! Then she said go for it if that makes you happy for a time.
I know what you mean about not making any money fixing these things up. With all I put into that Honda, I'd have to sell it for 5k to break even! LOL! Worth maybe half that.

Everybody in my life that means anything tells me just what you did about being a good person and all that. I am something of a "jack of all trades", master of none so I am called upon to do the things my girls and their husbands don't know how to do such as remodeling a basement or fixing their cars, etc. I like to help and they marvel at the things I do. Not meaning to brag about it cuz they can't seem to do that stuff. Still, no matter how much I do to help, no matter how often I hear about what a great guy I am, it doesn't fill the hole in my soul. I've always had tender feelings and a bad word sets me back a bunch. I want to be respected and liked by everyone which is just not feasible in this world. I come from a long line of hard working folks and sometimes they even will say something to hurt me or I just get that "look" as if to say: "Get your butt out and get a job"! Trouble with that is I wouldn't last in anyone's workplace very long. The biting comments that hurt me can cause me to brood and get very angry inside. Not sure what I'd be capable of doing so VA has me pegged as unemployable. They are probably right. When things are going bad I tend to ruminate over past hurts that go back 40 years or more. It's a very heavy load to carry all these years and the people I'm mad at probably don't even know it let alone care. Sometimes just full of hatred for the world and I only hurt myself.

I do have a pet. My Bogie is a male Springer Spaniel who I love dearly. He's a knothead at times but he does give us joy when there doesn't seem to be any.

Sure glad I found you guys. I actually went out and cut firewood for about 3 hours today. I hate it but it is good excercise and heats our home all winter long.
With the pills I take, (Cymbalta and clonazepam) the alcohol is a bad mix I know. I'm a cheap drunk on the cocktail mixture but still a six pack a day is too much and will have to be stopped. I may have to get some help doing that. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Doug
Posted 9/21/2008 6:18 PM (GMT 0)
I will likely be in touch often in the coming week. When feeling gooder, I love a good laugh so maybe I'll be able to conjure up some of the good times.
Posted 9/21/2008 8:40 PM (GMT 0)

Doug,

You have many of the same traits I do, I let my feelings get hurt but I have learned to be more assertive and if I feel someone is taking pot shots at me  and I have taken in long enough I take that toxic person out of my life.  I just divorce them......................a friend of 20 years always felt like she could make snide comments about me.  I took them for 20 years but one she shot one off about my daughter I just quit her and never talked to her again.  She was not a true friend.  I needed to just remove her from my life..........................man it felt good to make that  decision, to be done with the crappola she dished out. smilewinkgrin

Yea for Sportsters.  Your right on.  Believe in yourself................we do.

Hugs

Kitt

Posted 9/21/2008 9:35 PM (GMT 0)
Good for you in divorcing that false friend. I have done the same with bad people I thought were good. I always try to be friendly towards people and sometimes they take that for a weakness and eventually ambush me. That's when they find out I can be quite nasty if I have to be and then I dismiss them. Hard to make new friends when I'm expecting them to turn on me at some point. Here's a good one: I have learned in my therapy years for PTSD that oftentimes one is locked in the moment of the trauma, not really able to mature beyond that. So...Hey, I found the fountain of youth! I react to things around me much the same as that 19 year old kid did back then. Weird but true. I'm still an adolescent in an old man's body! Shucks, I never wanted to get old anyway! LOL!
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