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Being dependent upon someone else for your happiness

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Posted 6/16/2004 9:52 AM (GMT 0)
Hi,

I am 24 years old and I haven't posted here in a while but, I was wondering if anyone feels dependent upon someone else for their happiness? Because I have that problem. I think reason why is because I am looking for someone to love me. I am missing that love that my mother never gave me. She actually hated me and I grew up thinking that everyone hates me. I can't hold a job because I go off when someone disrespects me. And plus when I try to go find a job and get hired I am usually to scared to socialize because of fear of rejection. I have been rejected all of my life because number one my mom doesnt like me, #2) I am light-skinned and all the dark skins girls were always jealous of me and #3) Because of my beauty. At lest thats what all of my guy friends tell me. I didn't know being attractive could make you feel so lonely. 

  Now because of all of that, I am dependent on guys for my happiness and they do me wrong. They cheat on me, disrespect me and I take it. I am such a fool. I kick them out of my house and then the next day I let them back in and they do the same thing to me all over again. I just wish I could be happy. I wish I could be happy with myself and not have to depend on a guy or someone else for my happiness. Please help

-Depresedandlonly

Posted 6/16/2004 6:18 PM (GMT 0)
I used to have this problem, but with girls :-)   It can be a viscious cycle confused   I think it is important to build your self esteem and like yourself better in order to find true love. GEt some help and learn to think more accurately about yourself and you will feel a lot better smurf
Posted 6/17/2004 11:08 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks alot billy. I rally apprciate it. You know its very hard these days for me. I want to get up and do things but I just can't get up and do anything. Its the worst. I sit in the house all day long and I hate it. But then again I am scared to go out and look for a job because fear. I hate felling depressed. I hate having low self-esteem. I just want to be happy.

Posted 6/17/2004 12:45 PM (GMT 0)
Hey depresedandlonly,

I know how you feel, i had a really bad childhood and never felt like anyone caredm my girlfriend cheated on me ad had a baby with another guy after telling me she didnt wanna have kids. I turn to someone in my life to make me happy, i think b/c they were the fist person to make me feel like i was worth any thing and we are like family now and i'm just not happy unless i'm kicking it with him which is not that much so i understand what you mean. I hope you find what you are looking for, have a good one.
Posted 6/28/2004 10:53 PM (GMT 0)

depresedandlonly said...
Thanks alot billy. I rally apprciate it. You know its very hard these days for me. I want to get up and do things but I just can't get up and do anything. Its the worst. I sit in the house all day long and I hate it. But then again I am scared to go out and look for a job because fear. I hate felling depressed. I hate having low self-esteem. I just want to be happy.

You're welcome smurf You may want to give CBT a try as it teaches you tools to help yourself counter all the negative thoughts and fears that are overwhelming you right now. It takes practice but can really make a difference in your life. I honestly don't know where I'd be without it. Pick up a copy of Sam Obitz's book "Been There Done that? Do This!" it is a quick and easy read and the tools in the middle are what helped me change my life and helped me build my self esteem. CBT is really helpful if you work at it tongue   Take care and keep in touch. You will beat this! You seem like a wonderful person who is just waiting to bust out of this depression and find the happiness we all deserve yeah

Posted 7/9/2004 7:24 AM (GMT 0)

Thanks alot billy! That made me feel a little better. And let me know what that CBT is all about. I am willing to try anything to get me out of this depression and low self-esteem.

-Depresedandlonly

Posted 7/12/2004 6:22 PM (GMT 0)

depresedandlonly said...

Thanks alot billy! That made me feel a little better. And let me know what that CBT is all about. I am willing to try anything to get me out of this depression and low self-esteem.

-Depresedandlonly

I'm glad my note made you feel at least a little better smurf CBT is fairly straight forward and is based on identifying the thinking errors you are making that are causing your problems and then giving you the tools to counter those thoughts and replace them with more accurate and less upsetting thoughts. My favorite tool is the TEA form which you use to help catch your negative thoughts and refute them. Many of these thoughts are automatic and we are not even aware we are having them! I also like the counter exercise which teaches us to focus on what we are accomplishing rather than what we have not done.The beauty of CBT in my opinion is that how much success you experience with it is up to YOU! The more effort you put into using the tools the more relief you will achieve. It's pretty hard at first but gets easier and easier to do as you begin to get more comfortable using the tools. I still spend about ten minutes using the TEA form several times a week and whenever I am under a lot of stress. If you are self motivated you can cure yourself by using the tools without the help of a therapist, but they can be helpful to get you going on the tools. I spent tens of thousands of dollars on therapists and meds before I discovered CBT. I was told I would have to be on meds the rest of my life too. But I feel better everyday and have not looked back. I often have to pinch myself when situations that used to throw me completely out of whack do not even phase me now.

Let me know if you have any more questions yeah

Posted 7/30/2004 1:12 PM (GMT 0)

Thanks alot Billy!So how do I get int othis CBT? Let me know because now you have me really interested.

Warmest Regards,

Depresedandlonly

Posted 8/1/2004 7:38 AM (GMT 0)
Hello Depressedandlonly,

I totally understand what it was like to depend on a love one. I saw how I was when I was with my now ex-boyfriend. I loved him more than I could ever loved myself which is totally unhealthy. Now I still feel worthless and scared all the time but since we broke up just recently, I suddenly realized that it really helps if I start loving who I am inside instead of running off to find someone to love me.

It's an empty feeling to not be able to really love who you are inside and that is something I'm trying to work hard on everyday. I hope everything works out for you.

~marg :]

PS billy 1234, what is the long name of CBT? Is it cognitive behaviour therapy?
Posted 8/3/2004 10:09 AM (GMT 0)
Marg,

Yeah it is very hard for me to love myself. I am working on it too. But I now can say with confidence that I have low self-esteem. Before, I was always in denial when my friend ken told me. But now I know I dont love myself. My ex and I broke up too, and now that he is gone, I also like you, feel an emptiness. I was never really loved by my mother so I am missing that love too which makes me really depressed sometimes. I have no friends and I feel like there is something wrong with me. I dont understand why noone likes me. I have noone to turn to if I need help. That hurts. I guess I will try and get through it. Thanks alot for your support.

-depresedandlonly

Posted 8/5/2004 7:17 PM (GMT 0)

depresedandlonly said...

Thanks alot Billy!So how do I get int othis CBT? Let me know because now you have me really interested.

Warmest Regards,

Depresedandlonly

 You're welcome :-) I would start by calling the local universities in your area and seeing if they have a CBT program as groups are great and these usually are very inexpensive and sometimes free. If you are a self starter then you could pick up the Obitz and Burns books and do it yourself as they key to getting CBT to work for you is using the tools everyday. If you work at using the tools you will discover your self esteem that has been missing and love yourself more than you thought possible tongue
Posted 8/14/2004 11:07 AM (GMT 0)

hi depressedandlonly (and billy),

i know how you feel - i spent most of my life looking for someone else to love me becos my parents didnt give me the emotional support and love i needed. i chased love all mylife. i abused myself and got myself into all kinds of stupid situations and relationships that were really unhealthy for me. after splitting with my ex last year, (and it was a really messy affair!!!), i KNEW it was time to look at my issues and face what was going on inside me. i learnt so much in therapy - i had no idea i was carrying so much pain and old behaviour patterns from things that had happened to me in my early years. because i had been drinking and running away most of my life, these "issues" were never dealt with. well ive been i n therapy for over 6 months now and i am amazed at the transformation in myself. i am like a different person. i know that i dont need anyone else and that i can finally rely on myself  to be emotionally self reliant. i am not looking for anyone else to love me, look after me or make it better for me. because of this, i am no longer attracting people who will treat me bad - when we are desperate for love, unfortunately, that is what we attract - people who use us and walk over us. (they take their bad feelings out on us, simply because we allow them to, hoping that they will think good of us!).

 so the first step is learning how to look after and love yourself. i have swung so far the other way now that i have actually ditched all of my old friends!!!! i knew in my heart i only had 2 real ones and they are the ones that i have kept!! i had a birthday recently and invited  people who i thought were my friends- NONE of them  came!! i cried, but deep down, i KNEW it was part of the process i am going thru - i am getting rid of old bad rubbish!! it is lonely now, but i am breaking through some very old stuff - i am prepared to sit it out to the end because i know in the long run, iwill be much better off for going through this process; i will have real friends around me, people who genuinely care, and my life will be much more satisfying and happy. i won't allow it to be any other way. once we know what the best is for ourselves, we no longer allow ourselves to have any less! it is a long journey to find yourself and your own happiness, but if you keep going, i am sure the work you put in will reap its own rewards - you are very brave for taking this path!

good luck on your journey

love solo

Posted 8/27/2004 4:57 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Solo- :)
It's great to see you! I learned a lot more about you in this post and am sorry to hear some of those details but WOW, what a great and inspiring post! I'm really happy for you and proud of you too :) Once we learn to take care of ourselves and help ourselves life becomes so much better huh? Keep up the good work and keep in touch!

Hugs,

Billy
Posted 8/27/2004 11:53 PM (GMT 0)

hi billy, thanks - it's good to see you and it's good to be back - ive been having some pretty low times, but things have been gradually getting better - one day up, one down. trying to learn to not swing into the highs OR lows - seems to be the best answer. i keep seeing how positive you are about cbt - still havent looked into it - my friend said she knew some tricks and would passs them on to me - i must remember to ask her !!

hope you are well

hi depressed, hope you are feeling ok - the first step in our recovery or any kind of (inner) change is to see what the problem is, and you seem to be very aware of where you're at - it may be a long, hard journey unravelling stuff, but try and keep looking ahead to see the long term benefits and rewards that this journey will bring you. look after yourself and please try and put yourself first - it's very difficult to unlearn lifelong bad habits, like having a low opinion of ourselves and we attract all sorts of bad behaviour to us as a result. but if you stay aware and be true to yourself,  think only the best and know you deserve the best, gradually it will all come to you. no-one can ever love you as much as you can !! you just need to allow yourself to!

lots of luck and light and love on your journey.

solo

Posted 8/29/2004 1:03 PM (GMT 0)
hi, I'm new to this site. I can relate to your problem. I always put my happiness aside to please my husband in fear of him leaving me. It would get me depressed. I hid it for years and finally seeked help because I felt like I was going crazy trying to deal with it.  I was diagnoised with ocd and fears. I talk on that chat room also. Depression came along with it. I am on mediciation and it has helped me tremondously. Are you on any mediciation?

Posted 9/4/2004 7:17 PM (GMT 0)

Hey thanks for responding! No I am not on any medication. I am scared of the medication because I believe it will make me become dependent on it like marijuana or alcohol and then I might feel like I cannot live without it. As far as the ex boyfriend goes, even though I am not with him anymore, I will never forget how he verbally abused me and mentally abused me. Its hard for me to go on with life because he lowered my self-esteem so much that I dont even feel like I am good enough for any man. Plus to make matters worse, I have alot of bad luck.

Depresedandlonly

Posted 9/5/2004 4:10 AM (GMT 0)
I'm really sorry for all the pain you've gone through. Are you seeing a therapist to help you through all this? If you aren't you need to. And you CAN do this med free. You are strong, you survived! He did damage to you and that was so wrong! But now you have the power to make yourself better. Keep posting here, reach out as much as you can, don't be afraid! I know that's easier said than done, but you are doing amazing now just by talking about it! I'm proud of you and you can get better! One day at a time. And you are worthy of everyone's love, including loving yourself. You will find someone who adores you, but when you are ready. Don't think so far down the road and the what if's. Try not to. Again, easier said than done..I know because I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks! I worry about alot but I am much better now at not worrying about tomororw or next week, let alone 5 years from now!
Keep posting!!
Hugs to you.
Red09
Posted 9/5/2004 6:32 PM (GMT 0)
There is one medication I can wholeheartedly recommend, available over the counter... no negative side effects but plenty of positive ones..

Brown or white in colour - usually - and no, it doesn't taste horrible, it tastes divine! It makes you feel positively good, usually immediately after taking. And it helps you to face the world and think better of yourself. But don't overindulge it, or weight issues MAY be a future problem...

And the drug? Its called 'chocolate'... enjoy!

SS (Den) :-)
Posted 9/6/2004 1:16 PM (GMT 0)
How do you conquer your problems without the medicine? I tried for 13 yrs. and was getting worse,but I was hiding it too. I don't like to take med. either,but I felt I had no other choice. Its worries me that I will become dependent on it. Thats another issue I will deal with I guess.
Posted 9/8/2004 8:44 PM (GMT 0)

solo said...

hi billy, thanks - it's good to see you and it's good to be back - ive been having some pretty low times, but things have been gradually getting better - one day up, one down. trying to learn to not swing into the highs OR lows - seems to be the best answer. i keep seeing how positive you are about cbt - still havent looked into it - my friend said she knew some tricks and would passs them on to me - i must remember to ask her !!

hope you are well

solo

Thanks Solo smurf  I hope you are able to give CBT a try and you may want to call your local uni to see if they have any groups going as they are usually free or of little cost. The key to CBT is being willing to commit to it and do the exercises everyday and sometimes being a part of a group can help motivate you. I hope you are able to learn the tricks your friend said she would share with you too.

Keep in touch!

Posted 10/14/2004 12:10 AM (GMT 0)

depresedandlonly said...

Hey thanks for responding! No I am not on any medication. I am scared of the medication because I believe it will make me become dependent on it like marijuana or alcohol and then I might feel like I cannot live without it. As far as the ex boyfriend goes, even though I am not with him anymore, I will never forget how he verbally abused me and mentally abused me. Its hard for me to go on with life because he lowered my self-esteem so much that I dont even feel like I am good enough for any man. Plus to make matters worse, I have alot of bad luck.

Depresedandlonly

Hi Depresedandlonly smurf

I just wanted to say hi and see how you are doing. Life's hectic for me these days and I have not had much spare time to post sad   I hope you are doing well!

Posted 10/15/2004 7:59 PM (GMT 0)
YES!!! That is exactly how I feel most of the time!  See, I don't know if you, personally have read any of my posts, but I have a friend.  She was my teacher my senior year in high school (2002-2003) and then she and I have evolved an everlasting friendship to present.  She and I have been through Hell and back and if we had the chance to go back to change it, I doubt either one of us would.  She has come to my rescue more than I can count and has risked so much-- everything!  She and I are 11 years apart (I'm 20; she's 1) yet we are so similar that it scares us.  If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here today.  Sometimes, just getting an email from her or talking to her at night on AIM makes my day or makes me feel better.  I feel as though we are very dependent on each other to make it through the day at times.  I COMPLETELY understand how you feel about wondering if you are dependent on someone in order to feel better.  I hope this helps!

Sincerely,

  AuSsieG1rL

Posted 11/7/2004 1:53 AM (GMT 0)

Thank you for that book suggesstion.. I am going to go pick it up tonight..

My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me about 3 months ago and immediately started seeing someone else, it didn't last with them but we still aren't back together. He is my best friend and until recently, I thought he was my everything. I realized that we will never be able to be together again until I learn how to have respect for myself and am able to be happy alone. I have never really been alone, I've always had a boyfriend. I think that this fear of being alone has to do with being an only child. While growing up I never wanted to be alone or play alone, and now that has carried over into my adult life.

I am working so hard on learning how to be my own person again and be happy just being me. However I don't seem to have much luck with that ( I started seeing a therapist last week, but I'm not sure how much he will be able to do for me). I'm hoping that this Obitz book will have some good tips on how to be happy on my own.

Posted 2/5/2011 12:05 AM (GMT 0)
Hello! This is my first post but figured it'd be a good place to start seeing as im dealing with a lot of the same issues you guys are. Feels good to know you're not alone >_<

Anyway, ever since i was 14 (Im 18 now) i have not been the same person, and I do not like the change that has occured. I feel like im suffering from minor depression, and that is only fueling other issues that im having. Im not nearly as outgoing as i once was, i dont get any enjoyment out of doing anything, its hard for me to go to school, (I was on the verge of dropping out only weeks ago) and I too am dependent on someone else's love. I have been dating my girlfriend for almost a year now, and she is my first. I waited a long time for the right girl, and she found me, and i could not be happier, except that i cant get through a day without her... Be it her not texting me back right away, saying anything really that gives me an opportunity to over-analyze it, turning it into something negative, i worry like craaazy! And i hate it! I feel like a 12 year old girl! And no girl wants that! So i feel guilt for acting so ridiculous, but that turns into frustration that i cant do anything to change it! She stresses me out like crazy, but i cant let her go... I dont want to let her go. But i feel like if i keep feeding this dependency ill never be able to get away from it. I finally went to the doctor earlier this week to see about counseling, and im just awaiting a phone call for a formal assessment. I just want to be able to enjoy things again... I want to be able to see my successes for what they are, seeing as of now, my success with my current girlfriend is all that matters (Being from a broken family, my one goal in life is to give my kids what i never had; family) So im constantly plagued with fear, of her cheating on me, losing her interest, losing desire, getting bored, i dont know, you name it, i feel it at one point or another. My feelings are just beyond my own self analysis and i need some outside help to aid in my recovery, and hopefully find out what it is deep down that's bringing about all these unhealthy feelings.

Sincerest Regards,
Eg6Teegy
Posted 2/5/2011 12:58 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Eg6Teegy,

Welcome to the depression forum. I am glad that you are going to see a counselor. This is going to help you very much. You will learn to be your own person. Being so dependant on her is only going to chase her away. So you are defeating the purpose.

I hope that you can sork things out. Texting is for 12 year olds like you say. Though a lot of people do it, but if she is busy or in class at the time, she can't continue to be interupted. So work on that.

Hugs, Karen
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