Need someone who understands

Hello,

I am new. I have not heard of this website but felt so desperate that I just typed in "someone to talk to" and this was one of the options that popped up.

I don't even know how to describe me. It's like I have lots of problems but can't pinpoint the cause. I just seem to be getting worse. I have suffered from clinical depression for about 10 years now. I take Wellbutrin and most of the time, it keeps me managing my life ok.

In the last year, I have begun to worry excessively about things that control my mind for hours and days at a time. Most of the time for the last several months, I have worried constantly about dying. I'm not afraid of death, because I am a Christian. It's the dying process that scares me unrealistically. Specifially, with colon cancer. My maternal grandfather died of colon cancer. For me, little things have happened that, in themselves, aren't a real concern but when my new boss started work and had been diagnosed with colon cancer about 10 years ago with similar symptoms, I really began to panic. She had me convinced to get a colonoscopy since I am 49 but I backed out because I don't know if I can handle the news of something like cancer. I believe that survival is more about mental attitude than physical problems. I will not be one to survive since I have problems with depression anyway. I have always said that I would rather not know about something like that than go through chemotherapy and live my last few years locked in a dark room sick.

My depression is more of a fear than anything. I can't stand to be alone or bored. I can't stand to be sick or in a gloomy room. When I am, I begin to become extremely fearful--of what, I don't know. I can't make big changes. Often, I can't be in a crowd of people without getting overwhelmed.

Anyway, it would take so long to explain and I know that without knowing all about me, it's not going to help to tell someone in just a paragraph and expect them to offer any kind of helpful advice. Mostly, I just needed to tell someone how scared and alone I feel. No one gets it because I can put up a good front for short periods of time. Most people just see a very friendly, kind, honest person who appears to have all she needs in life. I have a good family who loves me; a good job; necessities and even some extras. I am a Christian who loves Jesus more than anything. I pray continuously and that is all that keeps me going.

Hi Daily.

You and I share similar problems. I'm 27, and I've been through a lot of what you described. Also, I was raised a Baptist, and I'm a Christian as well. When I was 17, I began questioning my faith and rebelling against it privately. Unfortunately, I was deeply involved with several ministries at my church, and it made it impossible to stop going to church altogether. If I hadn't been involved in those ministries, then I would have given up church completely. Now, I've cut back on some of my involvement, and I avoid going to services, etc. Frankly, I've strayed from my faith and I'm not sure how to get it back. It's been to the point where I even question the existence of God. It seems that the only time I do pray is when I'm attacked by anxiety, or if I'm facing a very serious situation. Therefore, I must still believe in God. However, there have been times where I prayed for peace during a bout of anxiety, and it didn't work. So, in the process of dealing with all of my other stuff, I've been dealing with hard spiritual issues as well. It's good that you pray - I've read that people who do pray often are able to cope better with pain and hardship.

I've had depression for about 10 years as well. It's terrible. It ruined my life. Because of depression and anxiety, I screwed up college. Even though I've gone back to finish my degree, it's taken me 10 years and a butchered transcript to do it. My finances couldn't be worse for a person my age. There is no way for me to support myself financially, and I've likely ruined any chance to rent or buy a place to live, or to get a loan for a car, etc. My parents are still supporting me, though I do work part-time and pay for some of my stuff. Anxiety attacks would come without warning, and general anxiety affected my ability to function on a daily basis. Thus, the most basic parts of life became a huge job. I withdrew from people, family, friends, lost interest in everything, had no inspiration to continue life, and felt that I would end up alone.

Worst of all, I was (and still consider myself to be) a hypochondriac. Like you, I constantly worried about my health. Cancer was always at the forefront of my thoughts. If I didn't have some kind of health problem going on, I felt abnormal. I was always feeling symptoms of something and would spend hours on the internet researching it. Of course, this only made it worse. Family would roll their eyes every time I described a new pain. I was always convinced that I had something life-threatening and that I'd end up in the hospital sooner or later. No one may believe me, but they'd be sorry when they found out that it was a legitimate illness. I have some relatives who have dealt with cancer, and my father has colon polyps that he has screened regularly so that they don't develop into cancer. I've even had some intestinal symptoms that could be associated with some sort of disease, but I've found that stress was causing the majority of my symptoms. The more stress you put yourself under by worrying about things, the more physical symptoms you will feel, and that only leads to more intense worrying. It's a cycle that you have to make the decision to stop.

I've had a benign tumor in my breast before and I was scared that it would be breast cancer. There have been a couple of times where I've had unusual pains and I got worked up over what turned out to nothing. The reality of your colon worries are that your symptoms could be something else other than cancer. In fact, they could be due to stress and anxiety. Polyps can have some of the same symptoms, but they're not dangerous unless you allow them to develop into tumors. That's why my dad checks his so that they can catch anything before it turns cancerous. So, I would do the colonoscopy because the likelihood that it is cancer is slim. If they catch it early enough, it's not life-threatening. Once you do it, then you'll feel a tremendous weight lifted from your shoulders. Even though you don't want to know if it's bad news, you've got to have the courage to face it. I think that just KNOWING either way will be better than putting yourself through torture of not knowing. And keep in mind that it's more likely that the news will be good.

I have the same problem with breast exams. I'm so squeamish that I don't like touching myself that way. I don't even like taking my pulse. So, I've gone for more than a year without a self-exam. That's not smart on my part because of my past fibroid tumor. But I also don't have a history of breast cancer in my family - that doesn't mean that I can't get it.

Like you, I put on an act in front of other people. No one other than my family knew what a mess I really was. I still put on an act because I haven't resolved some of my issues. What I have learned, though, is that worrying about being sick just makes things worse. I've found that if I dismiss it and stop being so sensitive to every sensation in my body, I can function much more normally. Now, I've gotten rid of a lot of anxiety. So, have courage.

Here's what I would do in your situation:

1) Get a colonoscopy. I promise that it will make you feel better, and relieve your mind. Chances are that you don't have cancer, and you've built up the whole situation in your mind. Once you know that you don't have it, can you imagine how much better you'll feel? You've got to stop thinking so negatively about everything and start thinking positively. Go into the doctor's office like nothing is wrong, it's just a preventative measure. Think of it this way: what would your life be like if you were perfectly healthy and had no life-threatening illnesses to worry about? Wouldn't that be great? What if that is already true, but you've convinced yourself that it's not? What if it's all in your mind? Now start thinking positively for a change, get checked out, and stop worrying about it.

2) Find some ways to get involved with other people. Do something with your church. Go to someplace with friends. Find some hobbies that you can get involved with. Decided you want to do something and just go for it. Change your whole way of thinking, and then act upon it.

3) Start exercising. At the beginning of the year when I was having debilitating anxiety attacks, I started exercising daily. This built up my self esteem and many of my fears vanished. Sounds simple, but it works.

We can talk more - let me know how you feel about what I said.

Hi Daily,

First of all I would like to welcome you to the forum. There is a wonderful group of members here who are very kind and compassionate. I think you will be glad that you came here.

I do agree with Kitt. I think that you have a huge issue with dying and that can become overwhelming. I have a good friend who is the same way. She obsesses with the thought of death all of the time. It has become an anxiety issue with her. But I feel that it is better to get tested and know what you are fighting than to have it take over you and not have a chance to fight. But this is something that you should discuss with your doctor, then you can weigh out your options and come up with a solution.

I also have trouble with obsessive thinking. I started taking a medication called abilify for this problem. It has really helped me a lot. I can now focus on things that I am doing and not obsess about things that I can't control. It really frees up your mind. A lot of energy goes into worry and it can eventually effect you mentally and physically.

I hope that we have helped you some.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Hugs, Karen