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Posted 10/21/2008 2:50 AM (GMT 0)
Hello everyone..not sure what to say here...maybe this is`nt even the right place, board ect..

but to sum things up...I`m to the point of holding a    , well, laying on my lap anyway...

I`m destroyed..my absolute dream girl is gone..I caused it..and I`m just sick of it all...

I called the suicide hot line earlier, but after a short conversation...they basicaly said they were gonna send someone out to my house to take me to the hospital..so i told them they`d be a shoot out if that happen...

I`m not like this at all...but I`ve just had it...I`ve been struggling all day to find any kind of piece....

sorry if this all sounds odd, or whatever...but I`ve tried to be the best person I could be, and have made ALOT!! of changes in my life to better myself, and to help someone out, in which I loved VERY deeply...I just dont deserve this...

is`nt it understandable, that one would not want to go through this pain.....againg..

Post Edited (Lost hope) : 10/24/2008 11:18:08 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/21/2008 8:34 AM (GMT 0)
Hello Lost Hope,

I don't really know what to say here, I hope that you are feeling better since you wrote your post. Are you in counselling? If not then I think it would really help. Or maybe it would be good if you went to the hospital.

I can understand that you don't want to go through this pain, but the nature of life is up & downs and so you will come out at the other side and feel better again.

I'm sure you have heard it before - but time is a great healer & as time goes on you will feel better and happier with yourself. Your feelings at the minute are raw & fresh & painful, but they won't always be like that.

Li
Posted 10/21/2008 8:50 AM (GMT 0)
Eej Lost Hope,

I somewhat understand what you are going through, as I had a similar reaction when my dream girl told me that she used to love me, but not any more (yes, I screwed up). I've been in that hole, even more than once. At that moment, everything is dark, painful and hopeless. Yet I can promise you, as Li told, time will heal some of the wound. Not everything, but it will take the hard edge of. And that what can't be restored, can be accepted. I believe that the absolutely state of hopelessness and despair caused me to be happier now than I could have ever been if I hadn't experienced that.

For now, this is all far away for you. Just try to hang on, and do whatever feels good. If you always wanted to, well, do mountain biking, this is the time. I found my greatest hobby (music) this way. I bought a keyboard and played until all my sadness was translated into sound waves. And now, all I am is grateful that I have been granted a look at the most dark side of life, in order to discover the brightest side as well.

I hope you hang on in there!
Erik
Posted 10/21/2008 5:24 PM (GMT 0)
Lost hope,

Please hold on and stay with us, we can help you.

Are you going to any counseling? I think that you need to see somebody professional who could help you through this.

As was stated above, time does heal wounds, but that does take time. You have to realize this doesnt' have to be the end of the world for you. You can get through this and we are here to help you.

So please post so that we know that you are okay.

hugs, Karen
Posted 10/21/2008 9:34 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the reply`s everyone...
I tried going to a councelor...and it did WAY more harm then good..infact..I believe it lead to her leaving...

she told me I needed to see one for my insecurity and jelousy issues, so I did....

The guy basicaly told me that if I feel she is checking out another man...then she probley is..and thats normal...then...he added that often women will get sexually arosed when they do this....that was the last time I seen him, which was about the 4th time I had been there...

He did nothing but add to my insecurity`s, and jelousy..

then to top it off, he said that if I happen to notice her looking at another guy, that I should confront her, and if she denies it..I should`nt except that, and insist she be honest...this resulted in me horassing her, and hammering on her to admit she was checking out some guy, when infact, it was probley a harmless look or whatever..but I alwasy seam to exagerate these things, and talk myself into it being way worse then it was in the first place...I tried to to tell him this, and he just replied that I probley have a habit of picking the wrong women, and she just happens to be a "looker" that likes to check out guys when were out and about..
I just cant tell you how much worse that made me feel, and act towards her....

I came home after my last apointment, and told her all of this..and she said he`s the wrong one for me..and I agreed...however, before I could find another one to see, I started getting VERY jelous due to the things he had said to me, that just kept comming up in my mind...I seamed to start believing maybe he`s right, and she is getting arosed or whatever when she "glances" over towards another man....

She did mention one day that she dont think he really said what he did, but he DID!!!!

I was very excited to finaly start seeing a counceler, and she was also, and it ended like this...

I`m just destroyed over it..I spent a GREAT deal of time on the phone with a chises center, and a lady that told me that he should have NEVER suggested I confront her in such a way, and that she felt it was the defiant wrong way to deal with someone with my type issues.....infact..she ask what his name was, and also a phone number...said she was going to call him, and talk to him about why he suggested what he did ect...
she`s suppose to either call me back here soon, and or wants me to come in tomaro...

but..either way....I`ve lost my baby, and really dont think I`m ever going to get her back...she`s also the mother of my son who died last august..was born premature, and did`nt survive long.....she has been my strengh, and motovation to carry on, and be the best guy I could be....and I ruined BY FAR the best thing I ever had...................
Posted 10/21/2008 9:48 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Lost Hope,

I tend to think that you should get over your jealousy issues and trust issues before you go any farther with this relationship. Once you get stable again, who knows, maybe she will come back in your life. Are you two talking at all?

You have just had a huge loss. I want to say I am so sorry for that. It is really a difficult time for the both of you right now and I think that this has played into the issues. You both suffered a huge loss. It has only been two months. You are both still grieving.

Take your life one day at a time right now. I am glad that you got a different counselor. I wonder if the other one felt that you should accept what could have been going on and still be able to function? I don't know, it is hard to say why he approached this situation the way that he did. But it wasn't really the right thing to do. It just made you suspect more. I think that you need to get secure with yourself now. We are truly here for you to help you along. You are a wonderful person that just needs a little guidance. We are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/22/2008 5:21 AM (GMT 0)
I have`nt heard from her at all..I talked to her daughter who lives with her dad about 50 miles away, and her daughter said she called her earlier today...her daughter told her how worried and destroyed I was, and that she should call me, and I guess she did`nt say anything in responce..she just told her daughter she`s OK, and she`d try to call again soon..

I just dont understand why she wont call me, she knows I`m hurting real bad....I`ve done nothing but try to help her get everything straightened out...when we got together she had outstanding warrents for drunken driving ect..and I went with her to court, paid all her fines ect, it ended up costing well over $2500 (also had a driving on a suspended, and open entox) anyway, she completly quit drinking when we got together, and was doing GREAT...only thing was, is she was in alota pain due to some various female issues...
I know we`ve had a few arguments....but I just cant understand her leaving the way she did, and not even calling me..I`ve told her MANY times how much she means to me, and that she`s my world, and how much I absolutly adore her...and she has basicaly said the same type things back to me...I made her pancakes that day, she ask me if I`d stop at the dollar store to pick up a couple things for her, and of course I said yeah hun, no problem..see you when I get home...love you babe, and she replied the same.....then I get home, and I have been abandoned....

And sorry for the misunderstanding on our son, we lost him a year ago last august....sorry about that...
Posted 10/22/2008 8:34 PM (GMT 0)
I didn't realize that she left you so suddenly. That must of really been hard for you. Did she even leave a note or anything?

It sounds like she has a lot of issues. That is why I think that you should work on yourself first. Then think about getting back in touch with her. Evidently she doesn't want contact with you right now. I would respect her wishes, otherwise you might push her farther away.

I hope that this helps some.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/23/2008 4:08 AM (GMT 0)

Lost Hope,

Welcome to HealingWell and you will find many wonderful and caring members here to support you and care about you.  I agree with Karen that right now your priority is to seek out help for yourself, learn how to deal with your feelings of loss and abandoment and be able to look at the big picture to see how this relationship all fell apart.

Remember you cannot change another person  only yourself.  You need to find a new therapist that you have a trust relationship with and one that does not tell you what you have done wrong but works with you to identify what your problems are and how you can heal.

I am glad you have talked with a crisis center and always remember to use them.

You life can be good but give yourself plenty of time to work through this.

Keep talking to us.

Kitt

Posted 10/23/2008 9:30 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the replys!!

I just cant find peace any way I turn right now..everything is a reminder..I`ve went to three AA meetings since yesterday....even though I dont drink anymore..I quit about 5 years ago, other then a few drinks here and there..but to be honest..I`ve seriously thought about drinking in the last couple days..and I`m afraid of what I might do, if i do drink...


I`m sorry for sounding weak...but I`ve bet it all, or rather had one thing on my mind since I have been with my one true love..and that is making a life with her..she has gave me strengh I never knew I had...motovation i never knew I was capable of..

I`m totally lost without her..and I just wish she would call me..she has to know I`m totally destroyed..I`ve gave up so much to be with her..and I did`nt mind at all..it was all worth it...I did`nt care about hanging out with the boys, or that kind of thing any more..I just wanted to have my best freind and spend life with her..

I just dont know what to do..nothing seams to be easing the pain..I dont want to carry on, and start over..she can not be replaced..as pathetic as this may sound..I`ve thought she was just the sweetest girl in the world for the last 20 years...and I finaly got my chance to be with her, and she was soo much more then I ever could have imagined...

I hate myself for driving her away...
Posted 10/23/2008 11:05 PM (GMT 0)

Lost Hope,

You are giving this lady way to much credit.  You found strength and motivation you never knew you had while you were with  her. She cannot take that with her.  You still have it but your pain is blocking you from finding it.

Keep going to the AA meetings and do not let what has happened throw you back into the drinking.  Go to as many meetings as you can and have coffee.

Talk to yourself telling yourself you are worthy and this will pass.  You have great things to do yet in your life.  Do not give up, we are all here to help you.

Take care and stay in the moment, leave the past where it is, there is no going back to change anything.  Be strong........I know you can do this.

Kitt

Posted 10/24/2008 1:27 AM (GMT 0)
Kitt is right,

All of those qualities came from within you. You can do those things whether or not she is around. Give yourself some credit. You have a lot of friends here that care about you. So please restrain from drinking. Keep going to the meetings.

You will find love when you least expect it. And it wont necessarily be with the person that you think it will be with. There are a lot of people in this world and you never know who's path you will eventually cross.

Work on yourself right now. That is so important.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/29/2008 6:44 PM (GMT 0)

Thanks for the replys..

I`m still hanging on, but I gotta be honest with ya...

every day that goes by that I cant even get a phone call..I`m getting more and more angry..and I`m honestly having thoughts of very bad things...

I love this girl more then anything in this world, and have told her that..I`ve also told her how it would destroy me, if she ever just up and left without giving me/US a chance to work out whatever the problem was...she re-asured me time and time again, I have nothing to worry about, and before she ever just took off, she`d talk to me....

I ask her within the last day or two before she left how she was feeling, and if she was happy with me..i also asked her if she has had any thoughts of not being together ect.. and she said no, I love you, and I`m not going anywhere...

then the next thing ya know....my life/heart is totally shattered....

I could never do this to someone knowing how bad i would be hurting them...its just not right..

Posted 10/29/2008 6:59 PM (GMT 0)
It doesn't sound like she is very considerate of your emotions. Unless it was just easier the way that she left. Not having to face you and all.

I wouldn't dwell on her, she hurt you badly, but by the sound of it, it is time for you to get on with your life. I would be working on that if I were you. Do good things for you.

You will make it, just hang on. Keep working on yourself and the rest of your life will fall into place.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/29/2008 11:44 PM (GMT 0)

Hey there,

I agree with Karen.  Life does keep moving when we have lost loved ones for whatever reason.  So are you just going to give up? NO, you find a new counselor, one that you have a trust relationship with and you start putting yourself back together.

You are in the middle of a whole group of people who have survived.

When you fight and resist the way your life is, you create a state of fear and upset that destroys your effectiveness and almost always makes your situation worse.

You close down inside. You lose your ability to see clearly. You get tunnel vision, and you interact in a way that destroys love and creates opposition and resistance against yourself.

When you get upset, you think that the upset is caused by what happened, but this is never the case. Upsets are not caused by what happened. Upsets are caused by fighting and resisting what happened.

Take care

Kitt

Posted 10/30/2008 3:35 PM (GMT 0)
I agree with Kitt on this one. She has some very good information here, please think about it, it makes so much sense.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 11/2/2008 4:49 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the replys...
I`m still alive...and still completly destroyed...
again..I caused this...I was/am an insecure, jelous loser...as I mentioned I started seeing a councelor about this...and he did more damage then good..

this girl needed my support, respect, and help getting over/forgeting her past, and a guy that would just love and respect her for who she was NOW...NOT dwell on her past, and be over protechtive jelous ect..

she came to me in a mess (had been drinking ALOT for years, and doing a bit of drugs ect)...Anyway, she had been through ALOT of bad things in her life...we had known each other for about 20 years...she knew I did`nt drink, do drugs ect...so she felt good about hanging out with me at first knowing there would`nt be any of that around ect..plus, we`ve always got along good..

problem is....she shared some of the things about her past when we first started dating, that she was a bit haunted by, or regreted or other wise just wanted to get off her chest with me..and after a while..and it seamed the more and more I fell in love with her..the more and more some of these things would start to haunt me..

I started out very supportive, and trying to get her on the right path, but some time later..became the guy that could`nt get over her past ect...the exact opisite of who she thought I was...and who I really WAS....at the time...this was before I fell head over heel in love with her...

anyway...I tried to let go of some of the things she told me...but every now and then, during a minor argument, I would bring her past up..she hated that....and ask me to please never bring up her past....and after an argument...later on, when we were going to bed for example..i would look over at her..and almost cry..in fact..to be honest..I did cry a couple times thinking about how I probley hurt her by bringing up, and saying the things I did...I would just lay there..and while ribing/tickling her back (she really enjoyed that cause it made her feel better, and help go to sleep) anyway, while i was doing that..all I could think about was how much I love this girl, and why the HELL cant I shut up!!!!!!...I mean..it really agravated me BAD!!!..that I once again, brung up something so stupid.......
I just get made during an argument..and out it comes....
thing is...the next mourning..we would get up, either Her or I, would cook breakfast, eat together ect....and another day would start, without me being able to just break down..and say I`m sorry...its not that I never said It to her....but I really should have explained..how bad I really felt about what was said the night before...but for some reason..I kinda felt like, hey...we just kissed, said i love you to each other..maybe I`ll just leave it at that..and not bring up last nights argument ect..

But..I knew....without a doubt....things would HAVE to change...I knew that when I started seeing a councelor months ago..
I was just so dicouraged over the one I had seen and the things he had said to me.., that I just kinda lost faith, and hope with seeing a councelor..me and her talked about some fo the things he had said, and both agreed..he`s not the right one...but then I just kept slacking off on calling down there to start seeing a differant one..

I knew I needed to talk with someone who could help me get over this crap..and be the guy I used to be for/to her...but it just seamed like days kept creeping by, and here I am again..its after 5pm..cant call now..

Hind site 20/20.......No doubt..i could have..and darn sure should have......found a couple minutes to make a call....how pathetic..

See....this is why I mentioneed above about how I had been asking her if everything is ok, and if she had thought about leaving...
when she would reply that no, she has`nt been thinking about leaving..it would relax me, and gave me the feeling, I need not be in a hurry to see a new councelor, everything is okay for now.....

but..on the flip side...if she had mentioned she was thinking about leaving..I would have probley got all upset..and it would have probley ended in an argument..

to further explain the situation..
she had a partial historectomy (spelling) last june...since then., she`s been in alot of pain due to other problems, that her doctor was still figuring out, and was talking of posibley another surgurie..
so needless to say..she was`nt always in a very good mood, not that she was mean to me...but just withdrawn, and laying in bed alot..which i totaly understood..
now here`s a big one...
just a day or so before she left..she had mentioned that she was was depressed...so I ask if it was me, and she said no, its because she really has no goals, freinds ect.....all her friends had been heavy drinkers, and basicaly bar flies ect..so she decided to stop asocciating with them, so as not to go back to drinking..so obviously, it was`nt my fault she had no freinds...and as far as goals, she spent many years on the bottle so to speak..so she really had`nt got any kind of degree ect..So I just told her to not worry about setting up some goals ect right now, but just keep on track seeing your doctor, and get your pain situation taken care of first..


anyway, she told me she just wanted a freind, a girl friend at that, in which she could talk about the girl things, and she was just depressed, cause she sat here day after day, while i was gone to work, which I work in a two person glass shop, and me and the other guy are pretty good friends..so I`m basicaly "hanging out" with a friend all day at work..I had other friends stop by now and then...but..I NEVER took off with them, or "went out with the boys" so to speak..I pretty much layed off ALL of that..

But still..I had friends that I could, and did talk to every day...she had no one..other then a quick long distance call to her daughter, and maybe her mom..

anyway, after she tells me about just wanting to have a friend...I ask her how is she suppose to meet new friends? (most of my friends drink, are males, and thier wives/girlfriends also drink) so obviously, my so called friends were`nt what she was looking for..
anyway, she said "well, maybe I could meet someone at an AA meting"....so, my reply...was well hun, more often then not, your hurting so bad, you cant even make it to the grocery store, so how do you suppose your gonna be able to all of a sudden jump up and make it to an AA meeting..plus...you dont drink anymore, and tell me you dont want to at all..

Sorry for the very long post..but I`m just trying to get as much info on this situation as posible..I`ve been looking back alot...and realizing.....I missed out on alot of things I should have realized..

Anyway, in a smart azz reply..I finaly said fine..wanna go to an AA meeeting, we`ll go tomaro....

Now let me add....what I think I have learned in the last week..of going to an AA meeting EVERYDAY...

It probley would have been EXACTLY what she needed..and would have been the best thing in the world for her...thats just my thinking..I could be wrong..
I had commented to her, that I did`nt see how your gonna "make a friend" at an AA meeting bacuase after the official "AA meeting" everyone just jumps in their car and leaves.....but I stand totally corrected...
the ones I go to are mostly all men..maybe a couple wives are there..and...not only have I discovered that there are 3 all women AA meetings localy....but I`ve also found out, that after the meetings, they often set around drinking coffee ect, and just talk about whatever, kids, work ect..

Looking back now..I see that she was soo lonely....that she probley felt that if she`s gonna be in pain most the day...she may as well be in pain around other girls she could talk with, laugh with, get to know ect..and...I`ll bet that being she went from being such a heavy drinker, to quiting, and staying sober..she could have certainly added some good advice/experiance during the meeting discusions..and then....done just exactly what she said she wanted to do...just chit-chat with other women about life in general, small talk make a friend ect..

So anyway...She still has`nt called me..I`m living with such regret that I can not hardly stand going through the day, knowing how bad I screwed up..and just did`nt listen to her like I should have..

the only thing I`ve heard at all so far from her mother, or daughter..is that her daughter told me she talked to her the other night, and told her to tell me, she misses me, and that she loves me...

but she just wont call me.........its killing me..I just dont know where I stand..and it eats at me worse then anything ever has..

I just cant stand the pain, of letting her down, when I wanted to be her hero and best friend...and I screwed that up, because I became jelous, and insecure...then to top it off, I totally slacked off on seeking a new councelor...and the last straw, was not supporting her wanting to go to AA..

and you wonder why I said in one of my earlier post..
I HATE MYSELF!!!!!!!
I caused it.....I would give anything, and I mean anything, to try and correct this..I`m going to AA metings everyday, as I`m also a has been drunk...but I`ve also found theirs alot of other type support involved, including god, which is something I think I need to truley change..

I have posibley two apointments next week with two seperate coucelors (long story as to why two of them)..but..niether is the old one..so thats a plus..anyway, their both next tuesday..

I`m doing everything I can...to be a better person, and find inner peace...and to also be the guy that can support my love unconditionaly..

There was a time, when I was not the jelous type at all....I got hurt bad back then...and its made me who I am today..jelous, and insecure..I`m trying to find a path, back to that guy that I once was..

but....when day after day goes by and I still have`nt heard from her....sometimes i really start thinking about just packing it in..I`m honeslty that depressed that I let my love down, and failed to support her as I should have..

dont get me wrong..I told her I loved her countless times a day, I rubbed her back every night, i told her she means the world to me almost everyday..BUT...I just did`nt listen and understand how lonely she was..and I let jelousy cause alot of grief...

AL

Post Edited (Lost hope) : 11/1/2008 11:29:19 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 11/2/2008 9:41 AM (GMT 0)
Heej Lost Hope,

Such a long story, yet there is not much I can say about it. I've been there myself, and the solution for me was to put away the puzzle, rather than trying to solve it.
Life is constant change. One day you might find the key you need, only to discover the lock of the door has been replaced. It is, and will always be like that. There is however one little part in this world on which you can have influence, it is yourself. Within yourself you can create total peace, a silent force that can not be changed by the outside world. It seems your luck, your purpose of being, is based on something in the outside world. While this can work for a while, maybe even for as long as you live, in most cases the tide will turn and you will suffer even more.
When we base our purpose into someone or something else, we tend to idealize them. We make up an imagine of that person or thing, and feel bad when they don't live up to it. Why do you think so much marriages fail nowadays? I think it is because people make up images of their husbands and spouses. This will work for the first two years, when the hormones associated with love are rushing through our veins. But they will subside, and we will see our partners aren't what we want them to be. We forget that every human is perfect in their own way. We forget that true love isn't a partner living up to our self-created images, but total acceptance. We are looking and trying so hard we will never find, because our mind is clouded with thoughts about what it should be like.

I agree so much with what Kitt wrote. We tend to resist all the time. While resisting has purpose, we let it take control of us and do more bad than good. Maybe you can read some self-helps books on this, they can just be your door to happiness. Because total acceptance and happiness and unconditional love towards everything that surrounds us isn't something that only some can achieve. We can all be like that if we truly want to.
So the question I would like to ask is "Have you suffered enough?". I know this might sound very unhelpful, while I only say it because I care about your well-being. For me, the suffering got so intense and so bad I finally said that it was enough. No more suffering, no more pain, no more unhappiness, no more worries, no more sadness because of what happened, no more envy towards those who I feel posses what I need, no more attachment. I replaced, and still am replacing, those things with joy of being, a curiosity towards the future, total acceptance towards the past, unconditional love towards everything around me, and a deep gratitude towards everything I am allowed to use now, for instance this computer, or the clothes I wear.
Please note I am just your average kid that had enough of all the suffering. From what I read you don't enjoy the state of being you are in right now, so please try to think of how it would be like to live in total happiness. To feel the love you for the girl towards everything.

You have the right to live such a life, as everyone does. If you choose otherwise, I hope things will turn out perfect for you. There are plenty of people on this planet who live happy lives without the spiritual hassle, so please don't feel discouraged by my speech.

I wish you all the best Hope! Remember, there is always hope.
Erik
Posted 11/2/2008 12:24 PM (GMT 0)
I think that Erik has a wellfound point here. Once you accept yourself for the guy who wont forget the past, then you can deal with it and change that part about yourself. Accept what you did. Then leave it at that. I messed up. Well shoot, but I am only human. Start working on yourself. See the new counselors and work on you. If it is meant to be, she will be back in your life. But if you go back into that relationship without dealing with your jealousy issues, it will never work. I am sure that she has done enough things that she feels bad about and that is punishment enough. She wants to change her life and put her past behind her, you need to acccept her for the way that she is now, not throw her past in her face. And the pain that she is living with , my gosh, it must be horrible. So she is dealing with that too. It takes time for things like htat to heal up.

Don't continue beating yourself up over this, you are human, you made some mistakes. But this is not the end of the world. She changed, you can change. But you need to do it for yourself, not for her. But you know that the change will help her, it is still you that you are doing it for.

I hope that this helps some. It is you that has to get better now. I am sure that in the future, if you take it slow, when it is meant to be, that you will maybe get back together. But if you don't, remember all the good things about your relationship. The back rubbing, the talks that you had. The things that you did together. You have many fond memories there to think about. Don't dwell on what you have done that messed things up. That is over and you can't change it. But there is a part of what you had that you can hold onto, the good parts.

Hugs,Karen
Posted 11/9/2008 9:05 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the replys..

I`m still here..and still have not got a phone call..nothing..I`ve talked with her mother, that just says "she`s okay, and says not to worry" but basicaly, were done..

I also have sent a couple emails to her mother, that said she wanted her to save them so she could read them when ever she went there (still do not know where she is?)..anyway, I dont know if she has been there, or read any..

Looks like another day has passed, and looking at the clock, another sleepless night...(its now 3:12am)..

I have gone to AA EVERYDAY except today..I just have`nt been feeling very well today at all...

(was going to go to a candle light AA meeting at 11:30, but got there, and no one was there??) anyway..

I`m 38 years old..and I dont know why..but every girl I have ever been with...deep down inside, I just never thought was the one..there was just always something missing, or something that just seamed to make me think I`d never want to spend the rest of my life with her..

THIS was the one..I had absolutly NO DOUBT at all, I finaly met my match, and had it made..

I`ve done ALOT of inventory or soul searching, or whatever ya want to call it..and although I know I`ve always been a bit of the jelous type due to an incedent/s way back when..I think being that I was soo in love with her...that I just completly went into over protechtive, paranoid, jelous mode worse then ever..

I still dont know how I get through each day..although I`ve been told its over..I still have hope..i have to have hope to survive..I honestly feel that way right now..

and with that slight hope, I keep going to AA, and working on my charactor defects, which are obviously jelousy, anger, and being insecure..

Just like the alcoholic that has been told by his wife she`s gonna leave him if he drinks again...he loves her truely..yet he can not stop himself from taking that first drink...he takes that drink...then continues on and gets drunk...no sooner does he start to sober up (in my case calm down)..and he feels horrible, that he has once again slipped, and picked up the bottle..

I see that as being how I am with the jelousy...

I absolutly ADORE this girl!!! she`s an angel..there`s no way in the world I would ever want to hurt her...but let me get jelous...and I feel powerless to not say stupid things again...yet after I do..I know it was wrong..I feel horrible about it, and think to my self..I really have to stop..just stop!!!!!!

but...it happens again....I simply could/can not, fix this without poutside help support..I just cant do it...i thought I could last june, and thought a councelor would just simply get me fixed right up...but its not that easy..as I have so painfully found out..

Again....what keeps me going so far...is that I still HOPE I`ll get another chance to be with her...and should I ever..I`m gonna be prepared, and have some tools within me, and self confidence that I will NOT go down that path again...

so my plan is to keep going to AA, keep learning, and keep praying...

MY biggest fear...is hearing, seeing or whatever...her actually moving on..as in a new man in her life...that would surely remove all hope..and without hope..I honestly dont know what I`d do...

Thanks again for all the reply`s...and sorry for bothering everyone..I would`nt do this..if I did`nt honeslty feel that I`m in a bad mental situation..I`m just really trying to get through one day at a time..

AL

 

Posted 11/9/2008 3:31 PM (GMT 0)

Good Morning AL,

I am going to keep this short..............you have depression and your friend has depression.  Neither of you caused the other ones disorder but each of you must seek to work on yourselves and some day you may both be well enough to try again.

For now let her be so she can find out who she is and what she needs to do to get bettter.

You did not stop her from going to an AA meeting and besides that is in the past.

You need to keep going to AA and a counselor if you have one.  Work on you, not her and quit with the beating yourself up..............it has not done you anygood. 

Get back together with your buddies at work and talk and enjoy the company.  You need to stop the "stinkin thinkin"  Kick it to the curb for the street sweepers.

No more sitting around feeling sad.............get up and get moving, one step at a time.

I wish  you peace.

Kitt

Posted 11/10/2008 1:33 AM (GMT 0)
Al,

I noticed you refered to your personality traits as defects. You are not defective. You just have some issues to work on. Are you jealous that she might go out with another man? Worse case scenario... Would it be the end of the world? No... You need to get a life with positive things going on. You do need to work on you, as Kitt said.

She needs to work on herself. You both need counseling and you need to help yourselves. If you don't get a grip on your issues with jealousy, she will never come back to you. So help yourself, that is the first step in getting a life. I am not saying it is a life with her, but there will be no chance if you don't get over being a jealous person. First of all, you have to realize that you are just a small aspect in a gigantic world. There are many, many other people living in this world. And many, many people with problems. Yours is an easy one to fix, it just takes some work on your part. You can change your way of thinking. So give it a haul, and see where it takes you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 11/11/2008 3:40 AM (GMT 0)
Al,

First of all, I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your son. I'm not sure if the problems were there before that or not, but from someone who has dealt with that sort of thing, it's VERY hard to go through and I just hope that you keep holding on.

I know how it feels when someone is your life, your everything, and then one day it all changes...or feels like it changes. You really do feel like it's the end of your life, but please believe me, it's not. It sounds like, between the two of you, you have been through a lot of terrible things. It's always hard at first, but each day is making you that much stronger and better.

Keep getting your feelings out, keep talking to people on this website, because when you feel like no one understands what you're going through, you find people who do and even though it doesn't take the pain away, it helps.

If you really love this girl and you are telling her this, and showing her this, then that's all that you can do. A lot of guys do the opposite and pretend that they don't care as much as they do, then lose what they had. They can't walk away saying that they gave it their best, but you can.

And on the jealousy issue, I can definitely relate to you there. In my relationship, I'm the jealous one. I'm better than I used to be because I've worked on it. And it's hard sometimes and there are setbacks, but it's worth fighting for. I know firsthand that nothing will push them away faster than jealousy.

So please keep posting.
Posted 11/15/2008 9:19 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the reply`s everyone..
I have never worried about her going out with another man, its usually that I think she`s checking someone out or that kind of thing, and also I have a problem with brining up her past (before she was with me) when we get into an argument..

As far as me telling her how i`m working on my problems..I cant..I think she is at her moms house up north, infact, I`m almost positive of it, I have called and got no answer (caller id?)..I have sent her mom numorus emails, in which I have done nothing but express how sorry I am for how I had been acting, and that I have been going to AA and councoling EVERYDAY (AA everyday, not conceling)..

I have never really admitted, or realized how bad I was, or what exactly my issues were, that were manofesting them selves in jelousy/anger ect..I`m taking big steps, with the help of others, to get to the bottom of it..I`m now working on a "fearless and moral inventory of myself"..
I believe it will hold the key, to why i have became the way I have been towards my one true love..and also, why I have some other issues I need to deal with..

I have talked with her mom briefly not long ago..she would only say that heather said she`s okay, dont worry, and that she did`nt run off with another man (which I knew that was`nt the caes, but anyway).. and thats all she had to say..I ask if she was reading my emails (heather has no computor, and does`nt know how to use one)..anyway, her mom said she was going to print them off for heather to read...

Thing is..I know..without a doubt...her mom dont like me(which I understand, family is family, and more then likely her mother has heard all about the bad, and not the good in our ralationship) but anyway.....so I have absolutly NO confidence, that she is actually passing along the message..also, I have called their house, and said a little on the answering machine about how hard I`m working on ME ect hoping that maybe if she is there, she would hear the message, but through other channels, I have became suspectfull, that her mother has her answering machine set to "private" so, her mother could very well be just deleting my messages..which have been very few, as I`m not wanting to preasure her, or get too carried away..
private would make the message not hear-able to anyone else,... but her mother for example, when she entered a code, could listened to the message with the phone up to her ear..

I`m off the chart agravated, that for once in my life....I honestly KNOW in my heart..my issues can be resolved....which was the only problems we had...
BUT..I cant for the life of me...tell her, and let her know how I`m working so hard...

Its not about her....its about me...and I know that...but I just cant get past the fact..that I know we could be happy together, if only she could know that I really am actually working on this VERY hard, and I CAN get better..

I dont know exactly how to describe how I feel right now...but it would be like your wife walking out the door because you did`nt know the answer to a question....then after working EVERYDAY on figuring out the answer to the question...you finaly figure it out...but...you cant get ahold of her to tell her..

its very VERY hard to continue working so hard, when I dont even know if she knows how hard I`m working on this....maybe she does know, and dont care? maybe her mom is not telling her of my emails, and does have the answering maching set to private. ect, ect..
its driving me CRAZY...

Again...I know its about me...I was an absolute jelous freak..sorta like an alcoholic, that cant stop drinking..i knew it was wrong at times, I knew I was driving someone I love VERY MUCH away, I would wake up in the mourning, and feel bad for what I did last night.....but..I still could not resist the urge to pick up the bottle, again knowing no good would come of it, and it would only cause me and others around me pain, grief etc..yet he would pick up the bottle once more and repeat the same mistake/s over and over......in my case...get jelous and not keep my mouth shut..the underlying issue of jelousy is fear...its but a symptom, the desease centers in our brain, and is NOT un-cureable..

So why does the alcoholic still pick up the bottle?
He certainly dont want to loose his job, wife etc..

there`s always underlying issues, some subconcious, some are burried deep in our mind...its hitting rock bottom, finaly admitting he has a problem,, that he takes ACTION on learning of why he cant resist the urge.....its then that he searches deep and trys to discover, what has made him the way he is today..taking a fearless and morale inventory, is often the only way to discover whats really going on in our mind, and why..
I`m that guy....I have hit rock bottom..I`m DONE!!!...and I know whitout a doubt..I can takle this..

I`ve heard people over the years reffer to someone as their "soul mate" and always thought nothing of it...well..I met mine..and drove her away...and its killing me, that I just cant comunicate with her, how I feel, and how things can and would be different..I have never since we`ve been together reconized how bad of a jelousy problem I have.., in my mind, I always kinda thought it was her fault, or that she had caused it ect......I did somewhat admit I have a problem..and did start seeing a councelor, but in my mind & heart..I still had`nt reconized it for how bad it was, and how out of control it had become..

But again..its very frustrating, and discouraging, that I cant even get her on the phone to let her know how serious I am...

I just cant believe that of all the things we have been through...and all the times I was there for her, I am not meaning to sound self rightious, but I have saved the day for her many times, I have walked into the bedroom to find her crying cause her pain was so bad, so I rubbed her leg until it felt better ect, I have payed off some tickets she got before we were together..around $2500 or so..i have held her hand when she was sad, I have tried to cheer her up...
Now I`ve ask as nice as I could, and said that "I`m" down...and I really need you to help ME this time..I`m the one that is down, and in alot of pain..I could never do this to her....But I cant get any support what so ever...but then..who knows...maybe she dont even know I`m asking for it, cause she has`nt seen a single email, or heard a single message from me....


AL
Posted 11/16/2008 1:59 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Al,

I know that you have been working really hard to get better. But you can't do it for her, you have to do this for you. If you two are meant to be together, you will. She will find out you are stronger and well when the time comes. Nothing will be in the way to stop that, but if you lay everything to depend on whether she is there or not in the end, you wont truly get better. You have to do this for yourself.

I wish you the very best,
hugs, Karen
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