HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

Spouses Depression Getting Old

Support Forums
>
Depression
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 11/14/2008 12:52 AM (GMT 0)

Hi,

I realize I need help with my wife.  She's a stay-home mom whose depression is out of control.  It's been going on for years and getting worse.  I don't know where to begin...  Our house is a dirty cluttered mess.  She's too sickly to do any work around the house.  Everything is my fault according to her.  She is hyper sensative to meds, and a few years ago I finally got her connected to a doc who eased her onto meds extremely slowly.  But it seems like they just make her more hostile and bitter.  Yes, her agoraphobia is gone, but she's extremely unpleasant, depressed, and she gets obsessed with her hobbies like buying fabric, buying and selling purses on ebay, and making bracelets.  She discovered etsy web site and is completely addicted and on it whenever I am home.  She's racked up tens of thousands of dollars in credit cards.  I am at my wit's end.  Any advice?  Thanks in advance.

Posted 11/14/2008 1:59 PM (GMT 0)
It sounds like your wife could be a little manic. Bi polar. If she is going on these shopping sprees, it is very likely. I would mention all of this to her doctor. They could be treating her for the wrong thing.

Take those credit cards away. All of this debt is going to make things at home more stressful. Especially for you. Talk to her doctor. I think it is very important that he/she knows what is going on. They might be able to treat it and your life will be a lot better.

I know that you think that if she is on the computer, she could be doing other things. That isn't always so. It isn't much of an effort to sit at the computer. And everything is at your fingertips.

So be patient, talk to her doctor, and take things one day at a time. I wish I had some resources for you. I don't know much about bipolar. We have a bipolar forum, you might want to read a little there and see if anything sounds familiar. Most of all, get those credit cards away from her.

Best wishes,
hugs, Karen
Posted 11/15/2008 3:21 AM (GMT 0)
thanks Karen.  I have my friend's housekeeper set to come over tomorrow for a few hours to clean up.  Told my wife, and she blew up.  She's too embarassed for someone to see how messy she is.  And she's feeling sickly today.  Of course, she wants me and her to clean before the housekeeper arrives.  omg.  There's no right answer. 

Any advice?

Posted 11/15/2008 4:46 AM (GMT 0)
So here's a bonus.  When I got home tonight I noticed she bought plastic utensils and styrofoam bowls since all the real stuff is dirty and piled in the sink.  Good plan huh?
Posted 11/15/2008 6:30 AM (GMT 0)
Knight,
Who has the joint pain since 10/24? You or her? I have "joint pain" down my
entire back and neck. It's disabling.
I don' see any pain medication - Opiods. Maybe if she wasn't in so much
pain she'd feel better.
I surely understand your situation. Sometimes when I'm laying around
with uncombed hair I'm embarassed. I wonder ... Does my husband think
I'm a lazy sloth.
But, you know, there's not a heck of a lot I can do about it. Methadone
helps me but it doesn't do the job.
Pamela Neckpain
Posted 11/15/2008 6:46 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Pamela,

It is I who has the joint pain.  Currently scheduled for anterior cervical discectomy and fusion in 4 weeks.  Absolutely awful pain, I know how you feel.  Plus my lumbar disc is going bad fast, plus knees, shoulders, sometimes hip and knuckles.  But I have to pull the weight of 2 people.  Very frustrating.  I hope you are nice to your husband.  It stinks pretty bad to be depressed, and complain about the spouse constantly.  I am just venting, but thanks for writing and sharing.  I am interested in people's input.  :)

Posted 11/15/2008 4:10 PM (GMT 0)
I noticed that the thought of a housekeeper got her moving around to clean some first. She is embarrassed as to what she is incapable of doing. Maybe the housekeeper is a good thing for her.

That way she could quit dwelling on the house and maybe start working on herself. Does she go to any counseling? I think she needs some pharmacological help. And some counseling.

What she has to accept is this is not the end of the world, there is help out there. I spent two years in bed due to depression and fibromyalgia. I may have already told you that. It is so hard, you get so fatigued, that you can't even talk.

I wish the best for you both. But I think that the housekeeper is a good idea, if only until she can get around a little more and do a few things. Please be patient with her. She will be better in time, just don't know how long it will take.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 11/16/2008 12:59 AM (GMT 0)

Knight, I do agree with what the others said.  Your wife should be evaluated for bipolar.  There are also support groups for people with this disorder and that would include any family members who need to go for their own support in dealing with the family member.  Not only should you take away the credit cards, call the credit bureaus, issuing banks, dept. stores - anyone who has issued your credit cards and let them put a freeze on any spending on all cards.  Do not cancel your cards as it will lower your FICO score.  A lower FICO score will make it difficult for you to ever get a loan if you need one.  But a freeze on using the cards is the best idea to stop the over spending.  I know your wife needs help and hopefully you can get that for her but you also need to take care of yourself.  If you are not healthy you won't be of much good to her.  I truly hope things start to go better for you and do keep posting as it is a way to release your feeliings.  There is always somone here to answer you and help you . I hope if makes you feel comforted to know so many people care.

Aurora

Posted 11/16/2008 1:51 AM (GMT 0)
Hello Knight,

IMHO I am seeing two people and both are sick with 2 completely different disorders. Your disorder people understand and can see. Your wife is blessed with the disease that people don't understand as they feel you can just get over it.

People with bipolar experience manic and depressive feelings. The extremes can involve a "high" mood, sometimes called mania, and/or very low moods or depression. It is normal for your wife's mood to go up and down, but in Bipolar Disorder the changes are more extreme. Often between the highs and lows, a person experiencing Bipolar Disorder may feel okay.

Your wife really need mental health care asap and you have to take care of you. Any family that can help you?

You may want to check out the following link:

www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/bipolar.cfm

Know we are wll here for you.

Kitt
Posted 11/17/2008 6:02 AM (GMT 0)
I am happy that you got a housekeeper. This could really help her to be able to work on her depression.

I hope that you continue to see improvements in her. Like I said before, it is going to take some time, be patient.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 11/19/2008 7:42 PM (GMT 0)
smhair  Here's the latest.  Wife saw phsycitrst yesterday, got topamax and effexor refills.  Dishes have not been touched since I caught them up Monday.  Sink is getting overloaded.  Much of the house is in disarray, dirty clothes piled forming a maze to walk through.  Furniture pulled away from the walls because 2 weeks ago she dusted behind, but left the furniture out.  Her mood is going downhill.  She complains now of another terrible headache and will retreat to bed for the next few days probably.  She has the gall to stand in the middle of all this and point to something ridiculous as one of my shoes out of place, and say that my one shoe is the problem here and that if only I would have that shoe in the right place, then the house would be orderly.  She has the gall to sit for hours on the computer and doing her craft hobby, yet says she has no time to load the dishwasher.  Makes no sense.  I need some kind of outside influence to intervene and assess what is going on.  This makes me pretty frustrated.  Your thoughts?
Posted 11/19/2008 8:08 PM (GMT 0)
hi knight, i'm rene new to this forum. i have been differnet meds including effexor which i had to stop taking because i couldn' sleep and would get cofused very easily. i am actually looking for alternative forms of treatment and am open to suggestions from anyone. as far as your wife is concerned, sorry about what you're going through it sounds pretty ruff. have you considered marriage counseling? it sounds like she is useing her depresson as a crutch.
Posted 11/19/2008 11:09 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Riri,

I would like to welcome you to the forum. And thank you for your advice. I agree with you, it is beginning to sound like she needs to get her priorities straightened out. I think that the marraige counseling sounds like a very good idea too.

If you are interested, we have an introduction thread that I will bump up and you can tell us a little about yourself. I hope that you enjoy the forum. There is a wonderful group of members here. We also have a chat session on Tuesdays that is a lot of fun.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 11/20/2008 5:21 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Riri and welcome,

You are right on calling it a crutch.  As I said in the title it is getting old.  That's slang I guess.  But when you stand back without engaging the drama, it is very clear that it is a huge crutch that can not be argued with.  Depending what day it is, it's either the depression, the headaches, the cough, the cold, the period, or she's tried to catch up around the house and is wiped out with fatigue for the next 2 or 3 days.  That's right.  Days.

So when you say alternative forms of treatment, are you talking about saint johns wart, magnets, tapping, chakras, or are you open to all possibilities or are you seeking any specific stuff?  An idea rushed through my mind right now that seems too simple, but an alternative treatment is -walking- every day and exercise.  Have you tried that?  Silly as it sounds, I believe it enjoys some success.  The important part is sticking with it.

Let us know how you're doing and how we can help.

Peace

Posted 11/20/2008 11:50 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Knight,

Walking is so good for you. Even if she only walks for five minutes a day. And that is something that the two of you can do together. I think that is a good idea.

Hugs, Karen

I am glad that you are understanding how doing something one day can deplete your energy for days. She could possibly have chronic fatigue syndrom. Does she ever complain about pain?
Posted 11/20/2008 5:15 PM (GMT 0)
Knight,

I have read that you may only have one episode of mania in your life and if the rest is all depression you can still be bipolar.

Your wife on the internet spending $10,000 dollars is manic in my thinking, and if she thinks it is no big deal and not worrying about how to pay bills, that leans more toward manic thinking.

Does your wife have a social worker or someone that can intervene?

With your surgery coming up you need help with her illness and with your own.

Please contact your own physician and ask him how to do an intervention of some sort.

Take care and my prayers to all of you.

Kitt
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply