Holiday's are not so "Merry"...Disaster!

I'm SO sorry that I've not posted for a while.  I want to reply to all of the wonderful folks here who supported me and encouraged me regarding my last post re: "Anticipatory Grief - Very Scared."  Again, many of you here know most of my story, and I don't want to make this post too long.  Last week, and the week before, I was having some pretty bad 'female" problems.  I was bleeding badly for over three weeks.  Just in the past 2 days, it seems to be taking a break.  I was getting lightheaded and was totally exhausted from becoming pretty anemic.  Everytime I lift anything even remotely heavy, like groceries, or go out an run errands, like picking up prescriptions, getting my own groceries, etc... I have MAJOR problems and the bleeding and pain become too much to handle.  I tried to come here and touch base, but was too ill.  I've missed all of you!

There's always a crisis where I'm living, with my mom and stepdad.  Now that the Holiday's are near, the dysfunction and oppressive depression, negativity and tension in this house has tripled!!!  I used to love Christmas, and I still do love it for "the real reason for celebrating Christmas", but since my grandmother died years ago, each Christmas has gotten worse and more depressing.  My mom really tries to make things nice.  My stepfather is a HUGE problem.  Last year I got him a few gifts, as I've always done, and he opened them, did not say thankyou, and then on Christmas morning, he got up and left the room and went to bed, not saying a word to me or my mom.  There is no-one else but the three of us.  It was so incredibly hurtful.  Before last year's Xmas, things were bad also, but I kept trying.  I try to get him (and both parents) nice things that they can use, and my stepdad has been getting more mean, ungreatful and down right nasty.  Of course it really hurts me, but what I can't handle is seeing how badly it affects my mom.  She'll just start to drink alcohol. 

Now there's the issue of weather to put up the Christmas tree or not.  If we don't, it will be the first year ever that we've not had any christmas decorations, and would not be doing the tree together.  We used to make a nice day out of it.  I've already been TOLD that I "better not get him anything!!!"  I'm not going to.  But, growing up with violence since I was 3-4 years old, I've become the peacemaker.  It's a very sad sad time how for my mom and as usual, my sdad is acting so cruel.

Then there's the stepsister issue.  She no longer will come to this house to see her father.  She never liked coming here anyway b/c of what she calls, "the Oppressive Negativity" in this house.  She's emotionally stronger than I am, and can say "no"...She's the only one that my sdad will talk to and be nice to, even though she's not nice to him...and has stolen from all of us here, etc... 

I just know Christmas morning is going to come and it's going to be so sad!  The bit about Christmas is but only one of the many problems going on here...but I needed to vent about it.  I still must get out of this house and find a place to live that will take my puppy too.  He's all I have that makes me happy and I love him so much.  I need help.  I know things are very hard for everyone, and I'm praying for you all!  I thank God I have all of you to come to and to vent to.

God Bless you all,

Kathy K.

Thank you ALL so much for being here

Hi Everyone,

Thank you all so much for your honesty and guidance.  I've been involved in al-anon and ACOA for 20 years.  I used to get to meetings at least three times a week.  I will look into the Hud housing...it sounds like a good idea.  I'm on the list for the County's Housing Assistance for over three years and still there has been no openings.  I keep in touch with them regularly.  I only need an efficiency, but at this point I could not move w/out taking my puppy Bailey with me.  He's such a sweetheart and he really is the only good thing in my life.

Oh...My real name is Kathy.  I was using the name "Willow" for a computer name for anonimity.  Sorry for the confusion.

I do get out a lot.  Unfortunately, it's not for myself.  I've kind of gotten myself stuck in the 'caretaker' role.  If I don't go for groceries, many times we'll go without.  My mom and stepdad are not the type of people who would ever accept any help from the outside and they don't have visitors anymore.  My mom doesn't like having people in her house and many won't enter b/c of the intensity of cig smoke. I've lost friends b/c of my sdad's crude sexual comments toward any female friends I've had here.  I've stopped inviting anyone into this house b/c I know I'll lose that friend.  Unfortunately I've had too much experience in that area.  I need a friend desperately.  I have tried many many times to move away, even leaving the State 3+ times. For reasons beyond my control, I ended up back here.  I have no other family at all.  My real father was my best friend and my rock.  I was going to live with him when my health got too bad for me to work, but he died.  I found him dead on the second morning I was there.  I hadn't even unpacked my things.  Having no place else to go, I found myself back here where I grew up, with my mom and sdad.  When I go out it's usually later in the afternoon's or evening, when the pain is a bit more manageable.  I usually end up sitting in my car for at least 45 minutes to an hour or more, before being able to drive to my next destination, b/c of the pain.  I sit and wait until I feel that I can get into the store, pharmacy, etc... and use eyedrops to try and hide the red eyes I've gotten from crying b/c of the pain and the depression.  It's not easy for me to get out, but I'll never stop trying as long as it's safe for me to drive.  I keep stretching and moving and won't give up, no matter how bad the pain is.  It's embarrassing when people come up to me in the grocery store and ask if I'm okay b/c they see that I'm sweating badly, having trouble breathing and leaning heavily on the cart, b/c the pain gets to be just too much to handle.  I've been to the emergency room for help, but was not able to sit until my name would have been called.  I wait usually 4 hours and then can't take it anymore before I must lay down...first in my car, and then when I'm able, I try to get home fast as I can, safely, and go back to using the ice packs/heating pad, and just praying hard to God to make the pain stop.  I've also told my doctor about the bleeding/female problems.  He told me that "even if they did find something wrong, that I could not afford to get proper treatment..."  I know he's right b/c I've witnessed this kind of thing all too many times when I was a nurse.  My faith is strong though and I believe the Promises in the Bible, where Jesus say's that; "He will never give us more than we can handle...", My favorite is:  "I will never leave you, nor forsake you."  I apologize if I've offended anyone here by speaking about my beliefs in my Higher Power.  My faith is all I have left.

I swear to God on the Bible that I have tried to get Medical Assistance, Food Stamps, etc... 3-4 times and each time I've been denied.  The DPA worker denied me each time, telling me that I was over the income limit b/c they honestly DO count my parents income against me.  In PA, the Dept. of Public Assistance's criteria for giving one help, goes by the income of "all of the people living in the same household."  If there is another way I can get around that rule, I'd be more than greatful for any link/documentation/etc... where it says something/anything, where I could fight their decision. 

The decision about the Christmas tree has been made by my mom.  Things got pretty bad here earlier today.  They have a beautiful artificial christmas tree, but it's become too heavy for my stepdad to get down from the attic and my mom can't do it.  It's just too heavy, and now my mom is getting to the point where she doesn't want to celebrate at all.  My mom and I do exchange gifts, but I will not be getting anything at all for my sdad.  Not to be ugly, but he's already warned us not to get him anything and we won't b/c he just gets ugly.  There's no reason for me to call the police.  The abuse is no longer physical.  It's severe emotional abuse.  I have already called the County's Women in Crisis number, but was told that they're so busy they can only help the women who have been being beaten by their spouses, boyfriends, etc...  I just need help to get away from the emotional abuse and also need better control over the chronic pain and depression.

I apologize for my posts being similar.  I thank God for the computer.  It's my connection to the outside world.  I guess I've rambled a lot huh?  I just need to vent, and I do take all of the guidance and advice seriously and I am trying hard to help myself.  I just need strength, a major decrease in the pain so I can carry through with your wonderful suggestions, and really need friends. 

I hope everyone here is doing okay.  My thoughts and prayers are with you all!

Thank you all so much,

Kathy K.

Bailey, your post suggests that you are feeling bad about the replies you are getting.  No one here is by any means trying to hurt you.  I understand you have a lot of pain and are very lonely.  But if you did have to go to the ER you know you have contacts.  You have your Mother and you have a stepsister.  In a dire emergency I cannot believe they wouldn't respond to you.  I feel I have given you a lot of ideas and suggestions. I just don't know what else to tell you.  And it seems that no matter what I tell you, you still do not do any of the things we have suggested.  Have you truly contacted HUD?  Don't you have a church where you can go and talk to a minister?  You said you used to go to al-anon.  Why not go back?  The truth is we can't do the actual work it takes for you to find your own place.  You are the only one who can do that.  I went through a terrible time in my life when my son, who has epilepsy had uncontrollable seizures.  I had just finished cancer treatments.  So I wasn't feeling too good.  But I went through every thing I could find out about epilepsy, found a new neurologist, contacted the Epilepsy Foundation and found an epilepsy counselor on how to handle our situation.  I even found a place that has a group home where he could move to if something were to happen to me.  What I am saying is that I exhausted all the possibilities I could think of and find, including looking at all the info on the internet.  I'm sure you have heard the saying "God helps those who help themselves."  If you want to improve your situation you have to be very proactive and really get out and find anything that will help you.  It does you no good to feel bad but not take any actions.  You have only mentioned one place you have tried.  Keep askiing - one thing leads to another and another.I know your mother, in her heart truly loves you.  You do have a roof over your head, food, and a sweet puppy.  Please don't be angry at any of us who have tried to help you.  This is a very caring group of people and they have helped me more than I can say and I am truly grateful.  Please don't abandon us.  We do care. You will be very proud of yourself if you can make some small changes. Nothing happens overnight.  Just take it one step at a time.  And please keep posting here as all of us are very concerned about your well being. I know you came here for support and understanding and I think many of us have listenend and supported you.

Many hugs,

Aurora

Kathy,

Hello, this is Kitt.  It feels to me that your situation and depression is seated in your emotional abuse.

Emotional abuse is the most common form of abuse - & yet least talked about. Part of the reason it is so easy for people to overlook is that so that much of what is considered normal & acceptable forms of communication is in fact abusive. Many people don't know that they have been - or are being - emotionally abused. In addition, a lot of emotional abuse doesn't appear to be severe or dramatic, although its effects can be.

Emotional abuse is a series of repeated incidents - whether intentional or not - that insults, threatens, isolates, degrades, humiliates and/or controls another person.

It may include a pattern of one or more of the following abuses: insults, criticisms, aggressive demands or expectations, threats, rejection, neglect, blame, emotional manipulation & control, isolation, punishment, terrorizing, ignoring, or teasing.

Emotional abuse cuts to the core of a person, attacking their very being. Emotional abuse, if frequent enough, is usually internalized by the victim & leaves them feeling fearful, insignificant, unworthy, untrusting, emotionally needy, undeserving & unlovable & as if they were bad, deserving of punishment & to blame.

Survivors of emotional abuse often have a hard time understanding why they feel so bad.

The abuse may not sound like much & often people around them will minimize the experience, telling them it's not so bad. But a climate of disregard for a person's feelings, where one is subjected to constant or frequent criticisms, being yelled at, or being ignored - has a deep & profound effect, attacking the very self-image & confidence of a person.

Tell someone what is happening to you.

• Recognize that the abuse is not your fault.

• Try to see yourself as others do—not as the abuser does.

• If you attend school, seek out support from a teacher or school counselor.

• Stay in touch with friends and family members who reinforce a positive image of you.

• Find a safer environment if threats increase or you fear for your safety or well being.

Make an appointment with social services and make sure they know about your abuse. Explain your parents lifestyle, the exposure to the smoking and how your s-father  uses sexual comments in front of your friends.

 Your signature includes all of the following dx: Fibromyalgia, Myofacial Pain Syndrome, RSD-CRPS, 11 herniated discs w/ multiple pinched spinal nerves, Osteoarthritis, TMJ, Sleep Apnea, CFS, Narcolepsy, Hypothyroidism, Asthma, Insulin Resistance, Major Depression, Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, Bilateral Peripheral Neuropathy (cause unknown)..

Contact the advoctes for these dx and ask for help.

Call Hud, get on every list you can for help.  They are out there you just have to look for them and never give up.

You are not alone, we are here to support you but I am going to ask you to please start working on finding help and letting us know who you have contacted and the response you got.

What you find out may help others in your situation.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt