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Posted 12/7/2008 3:00 PM (GMT 0)
I'm so upset right now I'm crying as I type this. I woke up this morning and I saw that my mother was in the bathroom and I was waiting for her to to get out so I could use it. Then I heard the dreaded sound of her spraying her hair with hairspray which I'm allergic to and it always sends me into coughing fits. When she came out she saw me glaring at her and asked me what was wrong and I told her. Then she closed the door to that bathroom and told me to use the other one. I avoid using the other bathroom because it always backs up and overflows and I just don't trust it (I've asked her to get that toilet fixed many times and she never does). Then of course even though she closed the bathroom door the smell of that hairspray was all in the hallway and I couldn't walk through the hallway past the bathroom into the kitchen without coughing. So her spraying in there is a problem even if I hadn't had any intentions of using that bathroom.

This isn't the first time this has happened, it's happened many times before. When her hairspray first started bothering me, I asked her not to use it anymore. She refused which in itself really hurt me. But then we made a compromise that she would only spray the stuff in the bathroom that is adjoined to my sister's bedroom which I am never anywhere near and I was content with that. But then she couldn't even stick to that and started spraying it in the downstairs bathroom again.

Back to today's incident, I was as always feeling very hurt that her hair means more to her than my health. I was crying right in front of her and she didn't say a word, didn't express any remorse. I asked her if she even cared how much she was hurting me. She said that I was being overly dramatic and she was just trying to live her life. So then I asked her why she couldn't live her life by spraying her hair in the bathroom that we had agreed to in the compromise. She said that my sister was in there at the time and she couldn't spray her hair in there. Oh god forbid that she actually has to wait a little while or go without her precious hairspray for one day!

Then I asked her that if a product I used had a negative effect on her, would she expect me to stop using it or at least only use it somewhere that it wouldn't bother her. She said probably, which makes her an incredible hypocrite. I asked her why I couldn't get that kind of consideration if that's what she would expect from me if the roles were reversed. She didn't answer me. I kept saying that I don't want this to happen anymore, that it can't happen anymore. She didn't respond and she left the house to take my sister to her weekend job.

So now I'm stuck here crying my eyes out at the repeated hurt that my mother causes me without even seeming to care, or at least not enough to change. I'm either going to have to wait a couple of hours to use the bathroom until that smell clears out, or risk using the other bathroom. I guess I'm going to have to wait because I'm just in no mood to deal with an overflowed toilet and I know I'll lose it completely if it does act up like it has a horrible way of always doing when I'm upset or not feeling well.

I know I don't deserve to be treated like this and I want to do something about it. I think after the smell clears out of there I'm going to grab all her hairspray bottles and move them to the bathroom she's supposed to use them in cause I just can't take this anymore. The emotional pain this causes me is much worse than the physical distress I experience from the actual hairspray. But before I do this I'd like to hear from other people. Am I overreacting and making too much out of this?
Posted 12/7/2008 4:17 PM (GMT 0)

Dear Kythe,

I am sorry you let your feelings get hurt by your Mother's words.

I would suggest letting it go and moving on for now. 

I am not sure who owns the house but IMHO fixing the toilet that over flows in the other bathroom maybe one way to go.

We are here for you and I hope your day has improved.

Kitt

Posted 12/7/2008 4:40 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Kythe,

I know that you have fibromyalgia so you are sensitive to chemicals. I think that she could use the other bathroom to do her hair. I think it was a good idea for you to move her hairspray into the other bathroom.

Now that you have moved it, hopefully she will use the other room. I think that it is good that you stood up for yourself and hopefully she will be more considerate of your fibromyalgia and your feelings.

Now would be the time to drop it and try to move on. Since you have made it clear to her that it bothers you. I hope that she continues to use the other bathroom. Not only is it bothersome for you, it is unheathy especially if it is an areosol spray.

Best wishes to you today.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 12/7/2008 4:42 PM (GMT 0)
Well it's not just her words but her actions that hurt me. I try to let it go, and after awhile my hurt and anger fades. But as I said, this keeps happening over and over again. It's not a one time incident but a reoccurring conflict. So the hurt and anger keep coming back every time it happens.

It is her house, so she would be the one responsible for getting the toilet fixed. I've asked her many times to get it fixed and she always brushes it off no matter how many times it overflows. She's even implied that it's my fault that toilet overflows which I know is ridiculous because I use it the same way I use the downstairs toilet and there's no problems with that one. Even If I wanted to take responsibility for fixing the toilet, unfortunately I wouldn't be able to because I simply can't afford it, so it's really up to her to take care of it.

Unfortunately even if the other toilet was fixed it wouldn't completely solve the problem. When she sprays her hair in the bathroom, even if she closes the door behind her when she leaves, the smell still gets into the hallway and if I have to walk past there I still go into coughing fits.

I wish I could let go of all these feelings right now but I guess they aren't going to fade for awhile. I keep having all these thoughts. Feelings of wanting to hurt myself just because I know it would upset her. Also having urges to call up my father and rant to him about the whole thing because I'm pretty sure he'd side with me against her on pretty much anything. I know I'm not going to do either of those things because it would only cause more problems, but the urges are there just the same.

What I really hate is the fact that I'm so dependent on my mother for financial support. I hate the way she treats me sometimes but I can't leave and I'm forced to put up with it. Sometimes I can't wait until I have a job so I can move out, even though it would mean I'd be completely alone. Who knows, maybe I'd be happier in the long run if I was completely isolated.


Karen, haven't moved it yet cause I was waiting for feedback. I tried to ask my sister if I was over reacting, but she didn't want to get involved. I guess I should go move it, even if it results in her yelling at me later.

Thanks for the feedback I appreciate it.
Posted 12/7/2008 4:55 PM (GMT 0)
Even if you did over react, so what. You were upset because she has no consideration for your feelings. I don't know if she is being selfish or if she just doesn't realize how much it bothers you. But you made your point and tried to do it in a rational matter. I wouldn't worry about whether you over reacted or not. But I would try not to let it ruin my day. It isn't worth it, and you know that it will only make you feel worse if you hang onto it. So try to relax and do something nice for yourself. I have a friend who has problems with chemical sprays and smells. It really makes her sick, so I can understand how you feel. I am the same way also. I hope that you and your mom can work this out.

Luv and hugs, Karen

I see that you have asthma too. You would think that your mom would be more compassionate to the way you feel. But that is just my opinion. Best wishes to you.
Posted 12/7/2008 6:37 PM (GMT 0)
Hmm I never looked at it that way before. I guess it doesn't matter if I over reacted or not, my feelings are still valid.

I'm trying to distract myself so it doesn't ruin the whole day but it's hard. Just really exhausted from the crying. Everyone always says a good cry will make you feel better, but it never seems to work out that way with me. It just leaves me tired with sore eyes and I never feel much better emotionally afterward. I'm so tempted to take a nap right now but I don't want to be up half the night.

It's funny although I have asthma, I guess it's not severe enough for her to take it seriously. Sometimes I almost wish I'd end up in the hospital just so she'd understand.

I hope that this can be worked out too, but I just don't know. This particular issue between us has been going on for years. She just doesn't get it and I doubt she ever will. According to her the smell in the hallway outside the bathroom "wasn't that bad". Well maybe not to her, but I've gotten instant headaches from smells that no one else around me could even detect. I've explained to her so many times that the fibro makes me a lot more sensitive to sound, smell, temperature, etc but I guess I might as well be speaking in mandarin to her.

Thanks again for all the feedback, it means a lot to me.
Posted 12/7/2008 9:54 PM (GMT 0)
Kythe,

My heart goes out to you honey......To have your own mother not take things seriously and to not validate your feelings that's awful.....I don't think you over reacted at all, you have every right to feel the way you do.....It's hurtful that someone cannot take into consideration especially your mother that your alergic to hairspray and to be more mindful of it......This just strikes a nerve with me......Because I'm very close to my mom and I'm a mother myself......I don't blame you one bit for getting emotional about it......And I'm sorry that this is a on going thing.....I wish I had some advise but I feel for you......And you shouldn't have to go through this.....Many hugs to you!

Post Edited (wishdreamhope) : 12/7/2008 3:04:45 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 12/7/2008 11:55 PM (GMT 0)

Dear Kythe, I truly sympathize with you and don't think you are over reacting.  I think your mother is very inconsiderate of you.  If she knows you have illnesses then it is just mean for her to do what she is doing.  I have asthma so I know that something like hairspray can trigger an attack.  I am assuming she uses an aerosol hair spray.  There are many hair sprays made that are pump sprays and do not cause the lingering odor.  My son uses a body deodorant and it really bothers me.  I told him if he had to use it he must use it in his closet and then be sure the closet and his bedroom door are always closed tight.  He usually complies but sometimes I still smell it. But then it is different with me as it is my house, my rules.  Maybe you should get your father involved.  Is he paying support for you?  I don't know how old you are but if you are old enough maybe he can send the money directly to you.  Have you thought about liviing with your father?  I think your mother needs a Big wake up call to what she is doing to you.  Are you in school or do you have a therapist or counselor that can speak to her?  I can't imagine a mother doing this to her own child. How about your dr.?  Do you see a dr regularly and one you can talk to about this?  Maybe your dr. can speak with your mother and tell her she is harming you.  Another thought is can your mother spray her hair in her  own bedroom if it is not too close to you?  Also, in terms of getting that toilet fixed it is cheaper in the long run to get a plumber, get the toilet working properly and not have to worry about it over flowing.  A toilet overflowing can cause some serious damage to the flooring and if it is above another floor or basement damage the ceiling.  That happened to me and the basment ceiling caved in and had to be replaced.  I wish you the best and I hope you can get some where with your mother over this issue.  Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.I only wish I had more ways to help you.

Gentle hugs,

Aurora

Posted 12/8/2008 12:11 AM (GMT 0)

Just one more thing that struck me as I read another of your posts on this, your mother may not be able to smell the spray as much as you because she is using it and it doesn't bother her.  Haven't you every heard of women who use gobs of perfume and you just want to run away but they can't tell because the perfume it on them. It is the same principle.  She probably can't smell it because she is so used to it.  No excuse however, for what she it doing. I worked in an office once where there was a ban on wearing any perfume as so many people were allergic.  If someone was caught wearing perfume they had to go in the bathroom and wash themselves until the smell went away. Wish you could ban her hairspray!

Aurora

Posted 12/8/2008 8:01 AM (GMT 0)
Kythe I am sorry that your mother is not thinking about you.But since it is your mothers house I dont think it is a good idea to keep making a issue of this.Its not that you dont have a reason to be upset its just that it probably wont help and it probably will make it worse.I have a hard time with some perfumes and colognes myself but the people who wear to much think thay only have a little on and thay cant understand why it bothers someone else.It might be helpful if your DR. would talk to your mom but I think it would be wise of you not to bring it up yourself agein.Try to ignore it,go get some fresh air if she sprays it around you.If your dad lives in the same house he might be able to help.If your mom and dad are not together it would be a very bad thing for you to even talk to him about it unless he is willing to alow you to move in with him.I hope that by the time you read this post that you are having a better day.
Posted 12/8/2008 1:16 PM (GMT 0)
Heej Kythe!

I am sorry that your mom and you aren't quite getting along with each other. But please try to see this from a different, positive angle as well. Because there are two things you can do. Change the behaviour of your mom, or change your behaviour. This concept applies to everything in life that will ever bother you. You can try to change that situation, or change yourself. Just as there are two ways to achieve total happiness, either by having everything you will ever want and need in the outside world, or having everything from within. The first is quite hard to achieve (impossible), just as the latter. But change within is doable, so maybe you can focus on that.

Because right now you are blaming your mother to some extend for your problems. In the end, what matters is our own happiness. And we can either say others are responsible for that, or we can take things in our own hands. In fact, you, and only you, are responsible for how you feel. So we can keep on worrying, blaming others, keep saying that little something will bring us happiness, and keep on feeling bad. While we can also stand up and say, I don't want any more negativity in my life, and begin a long quest to find it. Who am I to judge and say one of them is better than the other, since I can't. But I can tell you that inner change can provide you with much more happiness than outer change, and happiness that will last.

There is a wonderful quote I would love to share with you: "How can there be peace in the world if you don't have peace with yourself?". This quote works both way, I could also say "How can you have peace with yourself if you can't have peace with the world?". Also, it demonstrates just how social happiness in fact is :-). People tend to say that someone seeking his or her happiness is selfish, whilst a happy person is proven to be more tolerable, socially involved etc. And also important, happiness is contagious, it will spread to others.

I hope I didn't hurt you in your feelings by saying all the stuff I've said above. I just want you to be happy! So even when you are feeling bad because of what I wrote, try to smile and laugh at me for being such an idiot or anything that will make you feel better.

Have a wonderful day Kythe!
Erik
Posted 12/8/2008 5:13 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Kythe, I read the last 2 posts to you. They suggested working around the problem with your mom and not bringing it up to her.  However, SHE is the problem and I don't see any reason not to keep telling her how much the hair spray bothers you.  This is a question of your health.  If she can't understand that then she sounds like a very negative person.  You are her daughter - her primary focus should be on you having good health.  Please if you can, get your Dr. to talk to her and tell your mother how damaging this is to you.  I still don't know how old you are and if it is possible for you to move out but if you have any chance of moving somewhere else I would do it. It really upsets me when a parent does not do what is the very best for their children.  Your mother is actually imposing a form of abuse on you.  So tell your dr. or school couselor or therapist.  Maybe your Dad can help out.  I just can't tolerate such terrible inconsideration. It is a shame that your sister will not stick up for you.  Please keep posting and I hope you can get some results.

Many hugs,

Aurora

Posted 12/8/2008 10:05 PM (GMT 0)
Aurora the hairspray is not aerosol but it does leave a definite lingering smell around both my mother and the general area where she sprayed it. The hairspray is marked as unscented, but anyone who is sensitive to these things knows that unscented doesn't always mean fragrance free and fragrance is listed in an ingredient in all hairsprays she's ever used. I asked her to find something without fragrance in the ingredients but she brushed it off and said that it would be impossible or such a product would be too expensive. I know I've had problems with those masking fragrances that are in "unscented" products like deodorant. So that fragrance in the hairspray could be bothering me, or it could be he alcohol smell from it that's bothering me, or it could be both.

I'm 24 years old and I don't get any support from my father, just my 2 younger sisters do. There is no way I can live with my father, the reason he's not living with us is because he's mentally unstable and was abusive to me and my mother when he lived here. The only reason I wanted to call him in the first place was cause I knew he'd take my side against her, call her up and stress her out, and that would've been really immature of me, so I didn't do it.

I'm not in school and I'm currently between therapists. I know a therapist that I wanted to see but haven't been able to because of insurance issues, but recently my uncle said he'd pay for it so I'm in the process of trying to set up an appointment with her. As for doctors, there aren't any that I see regularly and none that I've ever complained to about this before. I tend to avoid doctors unless absolutely necessary cause money is tight. As for my family doctor I've found from past experience that she's not willing to intervene on my behalf unless I've been complaining about something for a long time over several visits. And of course these issues never get into my file because as I said I really can't afford to go to the doctor unless it's absolutely necessary. I think my best bet might be to bring her in with the new therapist when I start seeing her, but that probably won't happen for awhile cause I'll have to go over all my history and stuff first.

My mother doesn't actually have her own bedroom, she sleeps in the recliner chair in the family room cause beds hurt her back. My youngest sister sleeps in the master bedroom and my mom does keep some of her stuff in there. The bathroom adjoining that bedroom was the bathroom that she was supposed to use her hairspray in that I mentioned in my original post.

I know what you mean about not her not being able to smell it cause it's on her and I told her this but she didn't respond. I've had a similar issue at times with her flonase medication. It gives off this really sour smell that makes me nauseous and she can't smell it at all, but she admitted that she could smell it when my sister used it. Luckly I don't have too many run ins with this particular product though.

Unfortunately I really can't move out. I'm unemployed and simply can't afford to live on my own. And please no one lecture me about finding a job, I have been looking for one for over a year. I'm not saying that anyone will lecture me about it here, just that I've been getting it a lot lately and don't really want to discuss that topic anymore. In any case I'm not entirely sure living on my own would be that healthy. I mean I'm pretty isolated as it is and my family are the only people that I see on a regular basis cause I don't have any friends outside of the internet. If I were to move out then I'd be completely isolated and I don't think it would be good for my depression.

By the way I did move her hairspray into the bathroom she's supposed to be using it in. So far she hasn't said a word about it.
Posted 12/8/2008 11:13 PM (GMT 0)
I had some hand lotion that was suppose to be fragrance free and I could smell it. I hate anything with fragrance, barely even use calogne. When I do, it is patchouli oil and one kind my husband bought me.

I remember a few years ago when I would go to the postoffice, there was two doors and all perfumes would get caught in between the two doors. It always gave me a headache. I was tempted to get some fart spray and spray it in the entryway to get revenge to the women wearing the nasty perfume. But I never did do that. You all probably think that is gross, but I couldn't stand the perfume, it would always make me sick.

Kythe, I hope that your mom uses the other bathroom from now on for her hairspray. Hopefully she will. If I were you though I would try to avoid that area of the house when she is going to use it so that you don't get sick from it anymore. It will be much more tolerable for you that way.

I hope that you have a good night and a wonderful painfree day tomorrow.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 12/8/2008 11:52 PM (GMT 0)
Unfortunately that part of the house is hard to avoid. The downstairs bathroom is by the front door and I also have to walk through that hallway if I want to go from the living room to the kitchen or family room. Hopefully she won't move her hairspray back to the downstairs bathroom.

I can sympathize with the post office thing. It's never good to have strong spells in enclosed spaces. I remember once in one building I started to go to the ladies room but as soon as I opened the door this strong gust of floral perfume or airfreshener knocked me back. I was coughing and choking and closed the door immediately. I was so pissed off at that. I mean I couldn't even go to the bathroom unless I wanted to have a severe asthma attack. I almost wish I had a gas mask so I could've gone in there and tossed any airfreshener into the trash. I'd rather have the bathroom smelling nasty than have that crap sprayed in there. Airfreshener is not my idea of fresh air. Fresh air is air that doesn't smell like anything.
Posted 12/9/2008 1:33 AM (GMT 0)

Dear Kythe, I am glad you posted and now I understand your situation.  I guess the best you can do is remain where you are as you depend on your family.  How about wearing a face mask when the hair spray is being used?  Then you might not breathe in as much.  Having 2 grown sons of my own I know that the only way we can talk to each other is if we all stay calm so that is the best approach to take with your mom.  I think it is a good idea if you can take her to a therapy session in the future. And trust me no one is thinking anything wrong about you not working.  I totally understand.  I was very sick this last year and I have been looking for only a part time job for several months and I live in a big city area and there are no jobs to be had.  I send out resumes and hope to get a call back but nothing ever happens.  You will have time to get a job later.  It is important to take care of your health right now.  I know how depression is as I have had it for many years.  I am getting better but it took the right med and lots of therapy.  I still have problems with depression but my therapist has tought me some good coping techniques. You have many friends here so if you need someone to talk to there is always someone to answer you and try to help you.  Please do take good care of yourself and if you want me to answer any of your posts I am glad to help.

Gentle hugs,

Aurora

Posted 12/9/2008 2:05 AM (GMT 0)
Unfortunately a face mask wouldn't work. I've tried them for other situations and I can't breathe in them. I have a hard time breathing hot humid air and it gets very hot and humid inside a face mask from my own breath.

Anyway thanks for all the support. :-)
Posted 12/11/2008 2:59 AM (GMT 0)
I detest smells and am very sensitive to them, I have a teenage daughter, I have told her if she must wear anything that has a fragrance spray outside or in the garage. Some fragrances that have vanilla cause a lot of uncomfortable sneezing for me. On the most part she is considerate of my sensitivities. I tell her we need to consider one anothers likes and dislikes. She loves playing very loud music and I can't think and it makes me become agitated, and I tell her so. We have to live in the home together and we must be considerate of each other too, or we just won't make it. Relationships shouldn't deteriorate over hairspray, one of you has to open up and start talking, get to know each other, you most likely both have a lot of resentment about lots of things. My guess it's not about the hairspray. Start talking, and start crying, a lot, I bet if you did that things wouldn't bother you and your life will start coming together, you need to get your heart back. Maybe you should try forgiving her, or ask for her forgiveness for the deeper issues. Life is short, too short to let hairspray ruin a Mother Daughter relationship. I have been seeing a counselor for 2 years over a ended marriage of 20 years. I don't take drugs to get through it, I cry I cry some more, and until you cry enough stupid things like hairspray will ruin what could be a lovely relationship. Please take the hairspray walls down and TALK. I really hope this helps, I was a hardened woman who couldn't cry, and I'm actually starting to feel some things now.It sounds like both of you have some healing to move through, drugs will make it feel better, crying removes stress, sickness and resentment out from your body. A little tear won't do good. Let the tears come, and cry till you can't cry anymore, trust me, after a month or so, you'll begin to feel some relief. The relief crying brings you may never see, but lots of people will see the results over time. If you'll do some of this, she'll automatically become more sympathetic of your health issues.
Posted 12/11/2008 5:08 AM (GMT 0)

healingrain

Welcome to HealingWell and the depression forum.  thank you for you insightful post.

We love to meet our new members so I will pop the new members thread to the top for you.  If you would like to share a bit about yourself.  It is up to you. 

Again a warm welcome.

Kitt

Posted 12/11/2008 5:13 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Healingrain,

I too would like to welcome you to HealingWell. And I have to say I love your username.

I love rain in the summer. I love to stand out in it and let it cleanse me.

Hugs, Karen
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