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Posted 12/14/2008 11:59 PM (GMT 0)
I feel that I am constantly dependent on other people to make me happy - my happiness depends on what my boyfriend, friends or family do.  How can I break away from that and find happiness within myself?  I don't know if it's entirely possible to not let others actions impact on me, but it would be nice to be less affected and more self reliant, does anyone have any ideas?
Posted 12/15/2008 10:42 AM (GMT 0)
Heej Li!

I believe this is totally possible! It is exactly what I am busy with at the moment, and as it seems it takes a long time of training to reach the full effect, but after a month or two I already become a more stable person.

To give a short explanation of what I am doing: First, the reason for our actions. What motivates us to do what we do? Is it money? Is it a relationship? No, all the things we do are because we think they will be good for us, make us more happy or more at peace than another choice. So if that is the main reason we do stuff, why not invest time in directly seeking happiness, instead of indirectly getting it from work etc.

Together with some other things that makes up my motivation to invest serious time in becoming happy. And than the even harder part of actually becoming happy :-). That, in my case, required a serious change of mind. But as happiness is what we strife for, that wasn't hard. I do a lot of "exercises" for this. Like meditation, trying to see the positive side in virtually everything, trying to except the negative side in everything, trying to stand "above" my bad emotions, not to let them take control, etc. I can promise you this will all make sense, though it would take an awful lot of time to explain all this, while it is all explained in detail already in books. I will give you a short list of books that can change your mind forever, though you have to be open for it! (yes, the books are about Buddhism :-) )

The Art of Happiness - Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler
Zen and the Art of Happiness - Chriss Prentiss
Awakening the Buddha Within - Lama Surya Das

What these books share is that they are written by a very warm person, that really cares for you. Buddhism is all about reaching enlightenment, en thus ending the suffering that normal live has. In other words, live a life in perfect happiness, full of love and compassion for everything, without resistance, judgement. Quite a step to take, but if happiness is truly what we seek, Buddhism is a tried-and-tested way of getting there.

Take care Li! And feel free to either mail me, or put something up here if you have any questions.
Erik
Posted 12/15/2008 3:39 PM (GMT 0)
HI LI,

Erik has gave you some very good advice. It is okay to use outside stimulis to feel better about yourself, but like Erik said, true happiness comes from within yourself. Meditation is an excellant way to achive this.

Sit is a comfortable position. close your eyes and focus on your breathing. Gradually you become relaxed and start feeling good about yourself.

You have come a long way since you first started posting. You are a wonderful person and need to give yourself more credit. YOu do have the power to be happy within yourself. Just the fact that you stay active is a big plus. You do control your life more than you realize. So keep up the good work.

I wish for you joy and happiness. You could talk to your counselor about this too. She would have some answers for you. And just the fact that you want to achive this is the first step towards self happiness. Like I said, you can do this Li. Just keep trying and get some of the books that Erik suggested. I am sure that they will help you.

Luv and hugs, Karen
Posted 12/15/2008 4:20 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, Thanks for your responses,

Erik - which of the books is the easiest to read and I will get it and give it a go?
Posted 12/15/2008 4:56 PM (GMT 0)
Heej Li,

I would go for "Zen and the Art of Happiness - Chriss Prentiss". The book by the Dalai Lama is also very readable, but the book by Lama Surya Das is a bit more complex, and uses more technical terms and foreknowledge.

I hope you find use in them!
Erik
Posted 12/15/2008 6:44 PM (GMT 0)
You remind me of myself! Lol. The only way that I'm happy is if everyone around me is convenienced, happy, and satisfied. The problem with that though, is that it leave me inconvenienced, unhappy, and greatly dissatisfied with life.

EnWayen mention Zen books. I just read about those in a class at school. They're fun books you can pick up that just have passages in them that make you smile. Buy a pocket sized one and carry it around with you. Everytime you need a smile, read a page. They're great books to invest in!

Also, just try and remember that no one else is truly happen unless you are, even though it may not seem that way on the outside. Try negotiating a bit. If people automatically expect you to do things for them like people do to me, try talknig it over. You have things you need to get done for yourself first. It's not being selfish, its just nature.

What I find most invigorating is talking to teachers, or any respectable adult figure. They have lots of great advice and because they dont know you so personally like family or a boyfriend, they wont judge. You can find happiness within youself all you have to do is seek it out!
Posted 12/15/2008 10:06 PM (GMT 0)
I just wanted to also agree with EnWayen. I've been reading about Buddhism for awhile myself and it has helped a great deal in realizing how unhappy I really am with my life and current situation and how I need to change it. I think perhaps I went through a bit of an existential crisis in the beginning, but I feel it's been incredibly helpful in my progress. One book in particular I've really enjoyed is also by Lama Surya Das, and it's called "The Big Questions: How to find your own answers to life's essential mysteries". In fact, the very first chapter is titled "What is happiness and where can it be found?" There is a paragraph in it that I really like,

"So often we mistake movement for meaning, losing ourselves in habitual distractions to insulate us against gnawing inner feelings, including dissatisfaction, doubt, loneliness, boredom, or anxiety. Much of our unhappiness comes from an unstable heart and mind, from unconscious drives and desires, and from mentally living in the past or the future. Without appreciating reality as it is, we miss the radiant moment at hand. As long as we're preoccupied with our former traumas and triumphs, or our fears and dreams about what might happen down the road, or who said what to whom, it's very difficult to appreciate and cherish the intrinsically joyful gift of life right here, now."
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