Hi

Consequently, I have to stay in this job until I can find something else which is both good income and challenging to me.  I have been looking and taking interviews for awhile now, however with the current climate and where we live, things are slow.

Work is work. I try to just go there daily and get the work done and leave.  I cut my own hours just so that I don't have to spend alot of time there.  There is a partner there that is younger than me and I think she views me as a threat.  She wants to prove that she is the boss and I have no imput any more.  She is also making the sr. boss, the one I have worked for for many years, take her side.  It is very high school and non productive.  Moral is low overall.  The worst part is I cannot stop the tears.  Sometimes she or they will call me in to meet with them and give me grief for something and the tears just come.  I usually try to excuse myself for the rest room before they start, but the last time I could not.  I am so mortified.  I asked my Dr. about meds to just stop the tears, and am now on Zoloft and Wellbutrin, however it has been several months now with the same results.  My self esteem is now almost nill and I feel trapped. Crying now, great.  I am crying while typing this to you.  HELP!  I get myself worked up that I just panic and everything gets blown out of proportion, my mind tells me I am going to lose my job, my house, etc.  We just recently lost our dog of 12 years and I am very anxious and eating everything in sight.  Does this happen to anyone else and how do you handle it?  I think my family thinks I am losing it, I know I do.

Thanks so much for writing.  I already feel better talking with people here.

I have spoken with the Dr and she has changed the meds a bit.  The excessive crying is difficult for me, especially at work.  It makes me feel weak and I think others perceive me as such as well.  Not what I need.

I do see a counselor every two weeks.  I really like her and I think she helps me, especially with the self esteem stuff.  It is funny, people see me differently than I see myself.  My husband sees me as more than I see myself. 

I think the day to day theory will be something I work on.  When I think of everything together, I get panicky.  When I think of leaving the job I have been at for over 24 years, I get anxious.  I know the place is toxic and I need to get going, but things are not moving too quickly. 

I worry about the person at work marring my professional reputation because she views me as a threat as I have been there for so long and I have good relationships with generations of our clients.  She is loud and agressive and I think has a chip on her shoulder.  No one else says anything except me, which is probably why she does not like me. 

The only thing I keep telling myself is that my clients know me and have for a long time. 

Anyway, thanks Karen for listening.

Happy New Year by the way.

Kai

Hi Kai, I certainly understand where you are coming from with your job.  Do you think this younger person could feel threatened by you as you have been there a long time and have a good relationship with the clients?  Is there a human resources person at your comapny you can talk to? Or would you possibly be able to talk to your boss.  Coming here and talking to us is a good way to get out your feelings.  You have found a very caring and comforting place to vent and there will always be someone here to help you and talk to you.  I imagine with your husband back in school it puts added stress on you so do keep seeing your counselor. You have a good work history and keep your resume up to date in case you find another job that suits you.  You can't be fired just because someone decides they don't like you.  And you certainly can appeal this to your boss.  And if you have to use this boss as a reference there is nothing that can be said about you that is negative. It is illegal to say something derogatory against an employee and you could fight it. Your boss certainly knows he cannot say anything bad about you.  The worst he can do is state that yes, you were employed there for 24 yrs and if he chooses he doesn't have to say anything else.  I was fired from a job I had for 18 yrs., actually I was dowsized but my boss did not like me even though I brought in many new clients and was the top manager.  When I found a new job this boss gave me a very glowing recommendation. Go figure.  I guess she thought it best to get rid of me as I had a higher salary than others.  Office politics can be very strange. So keep your head up and continue to do the good job and I would try to avoid this person as much as possible. I hope this helps you.

Aurora

I appreciate your kind words.  It does seem that a lot of females in the workplace can be katty.   Problem is, I have always been a good employee, coming in and doing my job, sometimes staying until 8 or 9pm.  Now I find it hard to concentrate, I don't want to go in and over this past year I had a tendency to go in a little later and sometimes take Mondays off.  I know she did not like it and said something to me a few times.  I have made a resolution that I am just going to go in at my designated time and do my job.  Since  she and I do not get along, she actually questioned my integrity, she hired someone else to be her direct assistant and she is now doing what has always been my job.  I am now doing another person's job, which I am slowly learning, as that person will be retiring in the spring.  In a way it is a good thing as it takes me out of her direct line of fire, but I still have to deal with my sr. boss, the one I have had since day 1.   I have known for quite some time that I should move on, but this is like another family to me and I was comfortable.  I am not good with change. 

However, the negative and derrogatory comments have become commonplace and I am finding my self confidence running for the door.

I know I am better than this, I just cannot seem to quell the panic and anxiety.  It reminds me of when I was a kid.  There was this girl who was bothering me, and rather than deal with it, I transferred to a different class.  So here I am, at 51 yrs, back where I was then.  You would think I would have learned something.  Instead, the tears just come and I feel like an idiot and appear weak.  I hate it. 

I have been on some interviews, but no one is pounding at my door.  I am not sure what I expected.  However I do know that it will be difficult to find a new position at the salary I have now.   I also know that I will not make any moves which are not 100% right for me.  I have this fear that they will fire me and I will be unemployed, my husband is going to school, we won't be able to pay for our home etc etc etc.  I know that is the panic building up.  I can feel it now as I type this.  I am trying to learn to talk myself down, take deep breaths.  I cannot tell you how much I want to be happy and enjoy this life.  Right now I don't feel like that will ever come.

Anyway, I appreciate your writing and thanks for listening.  Sorry to be so whiny.

Kai 

And the other important thing to do is always be on time and show up on Mondays.  Try to not take any days off.  If someone is looking for a reason to fire an employee, not being on time and taking days off is a good enough reason. So the best you can do is face up to this and continue to do the good job you do.  Please let us know how you are doing. Oh, and check out the hormones as you are at that age, i'm sorry to say, that your hormones are changing.  We all go thru it and it will eventually go away.

Gentle hugs,

Aurora

Hi Aurora,

I really appreciate you taking the time to write to me.

I know I have to handle all of this right.  I have been at this job for over 26 yrs and loved it for about 22 yrs of it.  I think mostly I am burned out and overwhelmed with everything else going on.  You are also correct about getting to work on time and not taking days off.  I currently work a 4 day work week.  That helps a lot as far as stress levels.

Hopefully, I can be strong enough to not tear up.  I absolutely hate that I do that and feel so weak.  My ob/gyn said that I am in menopause now and am having mood swings (thus the tears) and depression, lethargy and all that wonderful stuff.

I was doing some research on line and found some herbal supplements like Femmerol or Macafem which have good success rates.  Has anyone out there ever used something like these?  I am going to check with the Dr tomorrow.  If this helps it would be a Godsend.  Just something to help me thru this difficult patch. 

I am trying to take things one day at a time and split up the areas where I am overwhelmed to try to keep them in perspective.  Now that I know the mood swings and all that is hormonal, I feel better actually.  I don't feel like I am losing my mind. 

So thanks to everyone for listening.

Kai

Today was actually a good day.  Everyone was back from vacation and I had worked myself up into a little frenzy last night and into this morning.  IBS kicked up and added to things.   So when everyone just did their work and kept to themselves, I was pleasantly surprised.  Both the Sr boss and the jr partner with the chip on her shoulder were okay today.  Probably because they had to catch up on work from their vacation.  I am waiting for the shoe to drop, but will take today for what it was.  A good day. 

I appreciate your note.  Thanks so much.  You all have really helped me in this short time.  I will definitely keep writing and checking in.  Maybe I can actually help someone else.

Kai

Hi Kai, I too am glad that you had a good day.  Just keep positive thoughts.  You are a very good employee - just think how long you have been there.  Give yourself a pat on the back. Now I am going to say don't wait for the other shoe to drop as that may not happen.  And if you keep a positive attitude and outlook you will succeed and I bet that shoe will never drop. Stay in the moment and keep up a friendly face and you will be fine.  And if you have a hard day you know you can always come here and vent.  You have plenty of good listeners and people who care about you. And how great that you have a 4 day week.

Many hugs,

Aurora