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I'm a Failure

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Posted 2/26/2009 6:05 PM (GMT 0)
This is the only place that I feel safe to go....I got a call for a interview and I went yesterday....I got offered the job but nobody could tell me what the hours would be or the schedule which I thought was strange.....It's only part time, I wasn't crazy about the position.....I didn't know it was part time until I went to the interview.....I kicked myself in the butt about not asking any questions when they called me.....I always think of things after the fact.....Anyway they wanted me to go for a drug test and background check, once that all came back I'd go to oreintation then find out about the schedule/hours....I kinda felt like they wanted me to jump through all of these hoops before I could find out if the hours would match my availability....I told my SO about the job offer, I thought yesterday I could go through with it but I'm not going to.....I was supposed to take the drug test today and didn't.....I also thought about realistic things....It wouldn't be worth paying for childcare if I'm only working part time. I'd be paying close to $500 a month for his childcare and only bring home around $200 a month.....I just feel like a total loser for taking the chance at the interview and telling my SO all about it and now I'm not gonna go through with it.....I don't even want to talk to him about it because I already know he will be disappointed in me.....Probably even mad at me.....Because I'm just so "irresponsible" in his eyes.....And he doesn't understand me.....Even though we did have a conversation a while back about me working part time and not really generating any money, he did tell me at that time that it's up to me what I wanted to do....But still I already know what I'm going to get from him....On top of it today is his b-day.....I was thinking of trying to look around for a legit work at home job.....I just feel like I always screw things up cry
Posted 2/26/2009 7:01 PM (GMT 0)

Wish, try not to be so hard on yourself, these things happen sometimes & I'm sure that you SO will see that aswell!  Hopefully!! lol! Could you maybe look after other people's children whilst looking after your own? Just an idea.

You sound so down on yourself right now! Try not to be - focus on the positives

Posted 2/26/2009 8:31 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there,

Like Li said, don't be so hard on yourself. There will be other jobs coming around. It isn't worth working something that is going to put you behind in the longrun. And part time jobs often do that. Especially if they work you short days.

I am sure that your husband will understand. So try not to be afraid. Just spend a nice evening with him on his birthday. Maybe you can do something special.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 2/26/2009 9:47 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you both for the support, I'm actually feeling better about it. Because it's not like we were in dier need of me getting a job. I've been home now for almost a year. Before that I worked for about 7mo part time as a housekeeper and I kinda fell off the wagon with it. I never predicted that I would be home this long after that but that's just the way it went. I'm just taking it as, it's not something that is going to impact us greatly. And if it takes me a couple of months to find something, then so be it. We've been making it just fine with the way things are even though it would help tremendously if I got a job. I can honestly tell you, he won't understand. I already know how he will be about it. He will say "it's $200 a month we don't have", "you could have done this until you could find something else" blah blah blah. I know he will be disappointed and I guess I wouldn't blame him because in the 4 and a half yrs we have been together, I've been fired from 2 jobs, went to work for only 2mo then quit, 3mo after I had my son and just blew off the housekeeping job. Theres only 2 jobs that I've had in my whole life that I've been responsible with. And of course that was before he knew me. I've just never seemed to get it together (which is one of the reasons for my depression). He's basically been taking care of us ever since I got pregnant (I had a high risk pregnancy so I couldn't work but the job I had at the time I got fired from) Anyway if he wants to be a prick about it, then it's on him. If he wants to handle it negatively then he's on his own and I will end the conversation because I cannot handle someone being like that. All it does is put me down and lowers my already low self esteem. I'll let you all know tomorrow how it went.
Posted 2/26/2009 10:36 PM (GMT 0)

Hope,

Oh sweetie, it is ok. You made the right decision. If they cannot tell you about the hours, pay or the position why would you feel bad for saying "No thank you"  The part time job I have I went to orientation etc and through all that time I was never told what the hourly wage was.  I finally asked.......dah,  how slow am I ?

You are not a failure and you did go to the interview.  Every interview you go to helps you feel more comfortable so consider that as experience.

I had to pay for my own back ground check for this current position..............use to be the company paid for all.

Keep remembering that you are one awesome person and keep you eyes and ears open for another position that might fit your needs.

Gentle Hugs
Kitt


Posted 2/27/2009 1:30 AM (GMT 0)
you are definitely not a failure - you went to the interview which is good. I agree with the message above that if they are not going to tell you enough information then it is not worth going through all the trouble (what if they do not give you enough hours?) I had a similar situation recently except I was too afraid to even go to the interview. I didnt think it would be worth it to drive 45 min to work 5 hours a day and the job did not seem good.
Posted 2/27/2009 5:28 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you thank you thank you lol, I guess I should have picked a different title for this post but I thought my SO would think I'm a failure. He actually didn't say much about it. He texted me on his way home asked me how things went, told him I decided not to take the position and my reasons and he said alright. He was good to me the whole time he was home. I was on the phone with my mom tonight, haven't talked with her in a while so after my hour and a half conversation with her he was already in bed. So I really don't know what he may be feeling inside because I thought when we went to bed tonight, because that's our alone time, he might talk about it. I didn't expect to be on the phone so long, So I guess I'll see how things go.

Thanks so much for those of you who were in a similar situation, it means a lot to me. I also feel that if I was really interested in the position, that I would have been more excited about it and more willing to do it. So finding the right job is really the key. I haven't let this get me down, being on my meds has helped me tremendously. I was a little depressed this morning but it didn't stick around. I ended up feeling really ok about it and with the help of all of you and my mom, it makes me feel 10 times better!!!! Thank you!!!
Posted 2/27/2009 3:35 PM (GMT 0)

Hope,

I am so glad you are not beating yourself  up and feeling ok with your decision.  We are the toughest critics when it comes to looking at our own actions.  Others love us for who we are.

Gentle hugs to you and  know you are cared for here in this special place.

Kitt

Posted 2/27/2009 5:56 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Hope,

I am glad that everything went so well. You are a special person and don't need to get into something that will make you unhappy. There will be other jobs. I am sure of that and you will know if it is the right one for you. like you said, you will be excited about it.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 2/27/2009 8:27 PM (GMT 0)
I just wanted to add that I really appreciate all of you for being here and supporting me. I can't even thank you all enough because it means so much to me to be in a safe place to talk and to be in a familiar world here. There is just so much compassion on this board and I'm always thankful I found this place! I know there has been a lot of new members lately and a lot of new posts. Thanks for taking your time and being here for each and everyone of us. I'll try and offer more of my support to others here as well in the next few days, I know I haven't been around much. :-)
Posted 2/27/2009 8:34 PM (GMT 0)
First of all, you are not a screw up.
We all make mistakes, and I know everyone says this, but you have to remember most importantly that you make a mistake; you learn. Perhaps there is a better opportunity in your life down the road. Dont be so hard on yourself.
Posted 2/27/2009 8:38 PM (GMT 0)
Taryn, I like that advice. That makes sense to me. I think we all need to think that at some point, because mistakes you make can make you feel so bad about yourself.

Hope, I am glad things went well for you.
Posted 2/27/2009 9:18 PM (GMT 0)
Also,
When something happens that seems bad, often it leads to something different and better. Maybe that is what you call the dark clouds silver lining. So hopefully things will get better and lead to even better things.

best wishes for a wonderfully sunny day.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 2/27/2009 9:38 PM (GMT 0)
I just want to let you all know, that I'm really ok about everything. I know that I'm not a failure I was just really scared about dealing with my SO and yes I was depressed about it at first and hard on myself but I feel like I can handle things differently being on my meds. I feel like I'm a different person now that I've been on them for almost 2mo. I can get depressed and cry but it doesn't stick, I ended up just telling myself "you know what, it's really ok and I feel that I made the right decision" and not dwell. I have to do what I feel is best for me. And I really have no worries, I'll keep on truckn! Thank you so much for your replies and know that I'm better because of all of you!
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