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weird to be happy and miserable at the same time

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Posted 3/9/2009 5:25 PM (GMT 0)
Some of you may remember my posts from a few months back that I was having troubles with my boyfriend of four years. Long story short, we had moved back to Florida after spending two years in Iowa (where he grew up) and it seemed like he was trying to "get back at me" for it because he hates Florida. Always complaining, making snide comments, not working or helping pay the bills but also not cleaning or doing anything other than playing his xbox all day. On top of it, he also didn't want me to go out EVER, and would throw a huge fit any time I wanted to have a girls night or even go to my parents. Going out once a week was "completely unacceptable" to him. He is also very insecure and constantly accused me of cheating on him, to the point where he would give me the 3rd degree if he thought my underwear was "too sexy" for work. So naturally this made me want to be home even less and inevitably we grew apart. Fought all the time about everything and the love just turned to complete resentment, especially on my part.

Well, as of Wednesday he will be getting on a plane and going back to Iowa, for good. We shipped what we could of his stuff and the rest he's given away or left for me. At the end of the month my friend Natalie and I are getting an awesome place together which I'm very happy and excited about.

He's been playing the guilt card heavily though. Saying I moved him down here to "steal all his stuff and ruin his life" which is completely ridiculous. If I had the money I would have paid for a moving truck and given him everything, but I don't. It's been very emotionally draining because he goes from saying some of the most horrible, hurtful things I've ever heard in my life, and then saying how much he loves me and how he'll never love anyone again. There's no way possible we could ever go back and make things work again... He's broken my car windshield because I wanted to get away from him when we were fighting, he's told me I'm worthless and don't deserve happiness, he's done everything he could to make me hate him and myself.

I know the pangs of guilt that I'm feeling are mostly from his manipulation, but I still can't help but be a little afraid of the future. I know that this is absolutely for the best and I will be happier, but after all he's put me through is it crazy to be worried about him and his happiness? I suppose that's why I stayed so long, because I was afraid of making him unhappy and afraid of what would happen. And now that it's happening I guess I just still am afraid of the unknown.

Posted 3/9/2009 6:29 PM (GMT 0)
Hey sweetie,

You did the right thing, you can't possibly continue living under his manipulation. And that is what it was. I am sorry that he broke the windshield in your car. Is it usable or do you have to replace it? If it was worth it, I would make him pay for it, but I think that you are better off going on with your life and leaving him behind.

I can see that you still care about him and I could see where you would wish for him the best, but I would try to quit worrying about him, because he has brought this all on himself. It might be best if you break all contact with him. I think he will still try to manipulate your moods and make you feel bad for something that is his problem. So enjoy your new place with your friend and enjoy your life. You deserve to be happy and he was truly taking that away from you. Not to mention his manipulation, he was very jealous too. That meant he was very insecure. You don't need that. You need somebody who trusts you.

Weren't you talking to a guy at work? Or do I have that mixed up with somebody else? Has anything become of that? Let me know if I am wrong.

I hope that you have a wonderful day my friend, keep up the good work and kick that worry to the curb. You are beyond that now.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 3/9/2009 6:42 PM (GMT 0)
I am very happy to hear you are out of a bad relationship. Even though ending any relationship is hard, you have to know that there is a great guy out there somewhere for you that wants to love and care about you, and not manipulate. You are worth that.

Now that you're on your own, you're free to do the things that make you happy! Enjoy your new place and do all the fun things you weren't able to do before!

I hope you have many happy days ahead!
Posted 3/9/2009 7:58 PM (GMT 0)
Karen,

No, you remembered correctly I was talking to a guy at work.. We are still friends and talk though we weren't hanging out for a long time. He ended up getting together with this girl though they weren't serious I was still kind of bummed thinking I missed out on a good opportunity because I didn't act sooner with breaking things off.
He would still ask me "So how are things going, did you kick him out yet?" sort of thing, and last week I told him that the ex has a plane ticket to be leaving in a week and two days later he comes up and says "So, I broke up with my girl last night". I almost fell out of my chair... such interesting timing. We went out over the weekend with a few people from work and went dancing and I had sooo much fun, I hadn't had that much fun in years, seriously. It was even the first time in my life that I actually danced in public, though no one believed me, haha. I don't know what will happen from here but I'm not planning on getting right into another relationship anyway, I just want to go out and have fun.
Posted 3/9/2009 8:05 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the well wishes Becky :) Whenever I start to feel myself getting sad or guilty or second guessing myself, I just think about all the things I want to do that I couldn't do before and all the fun I've been missing out on and it just makes it so much easier to say goodbye. I know Wednesday will be hard when I take him to the airport because I know he will cry and say sentimental things and whatnot which will make me cry, especially since I'm starting my period today (ack! bad timing for PMS!!) but then I'm going straight home and I'm just going to blast the stereo with upbeat music and deep clean my apartment.
I'm not too fond of being completely alone so I'm a little worried the next two weeks will be a bit depressing, but at least I have work to go to and I'm surrounded by great people there, and now I'll be "allowed" to have friends over to keep me company so it should be just fine :) Just trying to keep my head up and think of the positives.
Posted 3/9/2009 10:09 PM (GMT 0)
editkristen: From what you have described, I definately think you made the right decision.  I was in a 14 year manipulative marriage and this is not where you want to head.  It is best that you end it now before you do anymore emotional damage to yourself.  And just the fact that he showed physical action and broke your windshield scares me.  In my mind, that shows violence yet to come.

My great advice would be to let yourself shed some tears.  That's fine.  However, under no circumstances should you give him any new phone numbers and addresses.  And if you have a cell phone, change the number.  Make sure out of sight is truly out of mind!!

Cass

Posted 3/10/2009 12:02 AM (GMT 0)
Yeah, as of right now he has no idea I've already found a place with my friend, he thinks I'm living with my parents for a bit.. Which I was going to do but after staying the past two weeks there I am going CRAZY, mainly because my sister has developed some sort of only-child complex since I've been gone and hates that I'm back. So I'm dying to get back out on my own ASAP. My dad is also insisting I change my number a few days after he leaves. There's still always myspace/facebook he would try to contact me on but at least then I don't have to answer. Though, I know I'm weak and probably would anyway, but I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it...
Posted 3/10/2009 3:02 AM (GMT 0)

ediekristen:

In regards to Facebook, don't you have to grant him permission or access to be a friend?  Once he gets on that plane, you can revoke his access.  And to be honest, I don't have a myspace account, but could you do something similar there, or at least block him?

Don't leave yourself open to temptation.  He knows he can make you feel guilty.  Don't give him any opportunity to do so.  Abused women almost always go back.  Don't make yourself another statistic.  Stay away and start enjoying your "new" life.  You more than deserve to be happy!

Cass

Posted 3/10/2009 3:21 PM (GMT 0)

ediekristen

Hi this is Kitt. I am honestly glad that your friend is moving back to Iowa and you have plans to carry on with your life.  You were having great difficulty with this relationship when you posted before.

I feel you have made some wise choices and I wish you well in your future endeavors.

Take care.

Kitt

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