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Posted 3/21/2009 5:58 PM (GMT 0)
Today is my wifes birthday. I have been just trying to be supportive . No pressure . I sent her flowers and she cried and said she feels guilty cause she cant feel love right now. Is doing nice things the right or wrong thing to do for her right now . She did call me honey yesterday which is the nicest thing she has said in 2 months. She is still staying in a diffrent room then me but has been nicer. This has been the hardest 2 months of my life . But she is worth it to me. Did any of you were depressed have this inability to feel love for your spouse. Still I see glimmers of hope with her talking about us doing things in the future. I just keep holding on to my faith in God and our marriage. She actually asked me to give her my opinion on some clothes she wanted to buy. It may not sound like much but I will take it as a positive sign ,maybe I am holding on to false hope . I just cant give up on us . confused
Posted 3/21/2009 6:09 PM (GMT 0)
When I was depressed, I couldn't feel anything for anybody, especially towards myself. I hated myself. So be patient. Hopefully soon things will come around. I can't remember if she is taking any meds or going to counseling. I hope so.

Karen
Posted 3/21/2009 9:08 PM (GMT 0)

Cowboy,

I think sending the flowers was a good thing, and if she feels emotional about the gift, that is good as she is feeling.

I never was in a position where I did not love my husband or family, in fact I cried and begged them to stay with me, literally.  Just sit with me when I could not sleep at night or just listen to me pour out my feelings of fear of never recovering.

Remember that each person's journey through depression is unique. 

I am proud of you for  giving her support and knowing that this is an illness and not a personal attack on you.  You are one of the good people in this world.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt

Posted 3/22/2009 1:54 AM (GMT 0)
Cowboy,

It is obvious how devoted you are to your wife, and your love for her is so important right now, even if she is unable to feel/express those types of feelings right now. Don't give up! You and your wife and your marriage are worth it, and you are right to hold onto your faith. I am encouraged by your post and the glimmers of hope that you see, and I hope this will help you to carry on and stay strong during such a difficult time. It's heartwarming to know that there are spouses out there who have so much love and dedication, and I know these qualities in you are a great gift to her at a time when she is really suffering. Please hang in there, and continue to let us know how you are doing. I wish you and your wife a world of healing.
Posted 3/23/2009 5:49 PM (GMT 0)
The truth is I have probably added to her problem, but back when the problem first started I didnt know she was depressed. I would just think that she was not doing anything and being lazy. I have really learned a lot in the last 2 months and am just hoping its not to late. No Karen she is not on meds and after 4 and a half weeks is still waiting for her first appointment with a counseler. At the beginning I would come home and see her playing stupid games on the computer all day . Mean while the dishes would be stacked to the ceiling and there was no clean clothes. My reaction was you have to snap out of it and push yourself. Now that I have learned about depression I know that was the exact wrong thing to say to her. The thing is I am a little scared that she will never feel love for me again. I cant take back the things I had said but I know enough not to repeat my past mistakes. She is constantly telling me she hasnt felt love for me for about 6 months. She also says she feels guilty for not being able to feel love for me because I deserve it . I know that its the depression that makes her feel this way. stkitt I wish she was more clingy then push away but I know that diffrent people are effected diffrent ways . I also beleive that she has always had a hard time letting go with her heart fo fear of getting hurt. She was very close to her mom who passed on when she was about 10. The only thing I can really do is try to let her see that no matter what she can count on me and I wont bail on her. I actually was disheartened when I read the stats on depresions leading to divorce being so high. I just beleive that most people want to take the easy way and just bail out on ther spouses. I am not sure but I beleive the times when she refers to things in the future as things that we have to do or we need to get for the house as good signs. But still I miss my wife . Yesterday She started geeting anxious and I sat with her and held her hand telling her it was nothing to worry about and she said again that she felt bad that She cant feel love for me. It seems the best I can do is be there for her and not pressure her. I know that in the long run if we survive this our marriage will be stronger.
Posted 3/23/2009 6:51 PM (GMT 0)

Cowboy,

You are right, in the end you will come out stronger.  I know how hard it is to be the husband of a depressed wife...........I have watched my husband and he has his breaks where he will just yell at me in frustration.  I understand how he feels as I hate it when I am feeling down and crying.  He "doesn't know what to do to help me" he will say and I know he doesn't, no one has the answer.

I do know that acceptance of your own depression and anxiety is now the key for me.  I have been fighting against it for 26 years until I read a post yesterday that hit me square between the eyes.

I am working on accepting that I have depression, I will always have depression but I will not let it stop me from living a good life. I have prayed for it to go away...........no dice it is here to stay and the harder I struggle and cry about it the worse I feel so I am now going to just have to admit this is me.  There is no old me only this one that is alive and well today.

I hope that getting your wife  into counseling helps her and she finds some ways to cope with her depression. I hope it goes away or is under control and not ruling her life for much longer and I wish you peace.

Kitt

Posted 3/23/2009 9:44 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Cowboy up,
Sorry to hear that the therapy appointment is still in the works. I totally can sympathize with your experience. I'm still waiting for my wife to admit she needs help. I do think that the flowers were the thing to do. My wife told me she didn't want anything for her birthday but I got her something anyway. She's still a woman right?!? Even though she didn't act like her old self she did say thank you. That was worth it for me, any words I hear from her are like gold. Hang in there brother, my wife also still tells me that she is not attracted to me. And she doesn't feel ready to hug me yet. It really cuts me deep. The latest is that she wants two weeks to rest from marriage therapy before she starts seeing a psychologist. I have already had 1 appointment for myself. Stay strong Cowboy! wait upon the LORD and he will renew your strength. We have to trust our God because nothing is impossible with Him! He has not given us a spirit of fear but one of power and love and a sound mind!
Stand Firm in the LORD!!
Lespaul
Posted 3/23/2009 10:44 PM (GMT 0)
Hi There
I did go into a dark place where I didnt want to be talked to or talk to anyone
'It is so sad to do to those you love but I just could not face my fears at that point
I knew I need the help and I finally was able to crawl up and out with the caring and suppport of this HW family and the love and patience of my family here......Hubby n Daughter..my Spirituality

You are doing an awesome job IMHO

I have been very down this past week due to many reasons and I have put those walls up again but this time I was so angry angry my hearing is gone....angry my parents are gone
Angry about everything.........

I am coming out of it but I know the sharp tongue words I have said has caused some pain for my hubby and blessing Caitlyn

I keep you and yours in my thoughts and prayers.......LYN
Posted 3/23/2009 10:46 PM (GMT 0)
Lespaul I put my email adress under my profile so feel free to email for support if you ever need to. The first time you answered my other post I was actually really down and asking God to let me know he was hearing me . When I came down to read the posts you had answered and knowing you were a Christian brother was a strong confirmation for me . Twice when praying the spirit has given me a word. Once when praying for my wife to love me again it was that she never stopped but she just doesnt know it right now. The other was not to focus on the storm but on him. We have returned to the AG church we were attending and my wife is talking about getting involved with vbs [vacation bible school] again . My prayers are with you brother.Thanks
Posted 3/23/2009 10:51 PM (GMT 0)
Howlyncat I will be praying for you too. The battle is in spirit and not the flesh.
Posted 3/23/2009 11:07 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you

I find Footprints helps me get thru so much as well

God Bless

LYN
Posted 3/24/2009 1:09 PM (GMT 0)
Cowboy up,
Thank you for your prayers, I really need them! I agree with you that deep inside I believe our wives still love us. They just can't see past the overwhelming negative thoughts. 6 months ago, I too did not realize what was happening to my wife. I couldn't understand how someone could change so radically. She was the affectionate one in our marriage, always trying to kiss me in public and me being a little embarassed. Wow! how insanely stupid I was!! What I would give to have a second chance and be in that position today! Although I had never imagined my wife cheating on me I admit that at first that's all I could think of to explain her sudden change. She has told me that there is no one else, she just doesn't find me attractive anymore. After I started researching I found other spouses who have had similar experiences with their spouse who was depressed. It did make me feel a little better knowing that I wasn't going crazy, but to be honest Cowboy I sometimes wonder if I'm just trying to label her to dispell my fear. At the same time I know our enemy is a liar and he wants to consume me with fear, panic and jealousy. I have to ground myself in the only sure thing I know, my LORD and saviour Jesus Christ!!!! He has dominion over all things! Nothing ever catches Him by surprise! He has us in His strong hand and He only allows trials that we can bear through His fingers! Although, I along with you, feel that this is the hardest time in our life, I know that the LORD will make our marriage's stronger through this time of storm. The LORD is close to the broken-hearted! All things work together for good to them who love the LORD and are called according to His purpose! Cowboy, I can admit to you that before this I was leaving the LORD out my life, making plans for me alone. See how the LORD is using this for His glory!? The only way. The ONLY WAY this will resolve itself will be by His power alone! He put our marriage's together and only He can hold them together! Use this time brother to find out the will of God for your life and serve Him. We have to continue to pray, seek the answers He has for us and knock on every door until we get through this stormy night. And brother will I be shouting and praising Him when the morning comes!!!!
Lespaul
Posted 3/24/2009 6:03 PM (GMT 0)
Hey our situations are almost identical. Its not even a coincidence that we both found this same website. Hey we only are finished through the fire.It is the only way for the impurities within us to rise to the surface and taken away so we can become more Christ like .
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