No point anymore

Can't believe I've got to this stage but here I am.

Last year I quit an office job where I was being paid good money to pursue my dream of becoming a journalist. It started out as a hobby but turned into the one thing everyone told me I should purse so I did and enrolled in a qualification at the local college. Six months down the line I am now out of college and in debt because someone in the class decided they didn't like me and made a point of doing and saying a few nasty things. By the end of their little hate campaign I'd had enough and told him if he had a problem to sort it out with me. He then goes and claims I threatened him so I got suspended whilst they investigated his claim.

Three weeks down the line this person is still in college whilst his claim is being investigated but I was told not to come in until they had fully investigated. Today I got a letter effectively saying that they didn't feel it would be beneficial for me to be let back in. So basically, thanks for the £2,000 you paid to us for the year but we don't want you here. My defence wasn't even looked at, not for one second.

I have lost a further three weeks of my life where I could've had some form of backup plan if this happened. Now I have nothing. I have now given up on writing. This was my one and only chance. I can't afford to do it again. I can't spend years in and out of office jobs until I can afford to do it again. By that stage I will be 24. That is too late for me. I really couldn't afford to waste this year but it looks like it is now wasted. I quit a job for it because it was what I wanted to do and now all that's been thrown back in my face.

I honestly want to . Writing and football were the only thing I have ever wanted in my life and since I started college they have become a parcel instead of individual interests. I wanted it so badly that I have worked and studied for 22 hours every day for the past three months, lost weight cos I have worked so hard but that didn't prove that I wanted it that badly to the powers that be who trampled on all my hard work and determination with a cheap letter.

Tonight I had a nervous breakdown with everything that has happened and now I want to turn my back on everyone and everything and just  myself. The only person who could help me through something like this was my best friend who was more like a big brother to me but he died two years ago so I think I'd be better off . All I'm doing now is staying alive to stop other people feeling bad about themselves, namely my family. This was all I had and all I wanted and it's gone. That's it for me now.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 3/30/2009 9:13:58 PM (GMT-6)

My friends just don't care. My family only make it worse. They all say they know how much it meant to me but they have no idea. I honestly don't think any hotline will be able to help me this time round. I've tried them in the past and they haven't helped me.

Post Edited (Wasted-Potential) : 3/30/2009 7:50:58 PM (GMT-6)

Unfortunately there is no other side to this. It really was win or bust for me with this course but I didn't even get a chance to prove myself. Doing it at a later stage isn't an option. It had to be this year or never. Got my answer well and truly today. The college also suggested I go to a counsellor to work round the problem of my working hours. After two sessions the person I went to see told me that there was no more they could do. Game over.

Post Edited (Wasted-Potential) : 3/30/2009 9:11:03 PM (GMT-6)

getting by said...
You may have to accept that the path your life was taking has changed and do the best with what you can do at this point. Find something else that you would like to do with your life. Keep living and live in the moment.

Thanks for the words of advice but as someone once said, "when you grow up in Liverpool, football is all you have". I have looked at other things but short of dead-end office jobs there really isn't anything else I can do. The only thing I ever wanted to do with my life was watch and write about football. Now I've lost that I really don't want to consider anything else because I would be lying to myself if I even tried to convince myself that I was good at anything else. I looked at every option in the past and this really was the only thing I was ever good at and I don't want to do anything other than that.

I decided today that if I have lost everything that I might as well tell my classmates what I think about their cowardly behaviour that let another student bully me unchallenged. They did not like it and will me an outcast if I go back. The college have not given me any indication of this. They have said they will send work after I have begged for some sort of explanation over the situation. It's taken them three weeks to do this. Three weeks of sleepless nights, suppressed appetite and shot nerves. I don't want to see a doctor. I've spent most of my life visiting doctors surgeries for this problem or that. I'm taking about 5 tablets every morning for other problems and the last thing I need is more tablets to pile on top of the ones I have to take for my bones, my skin and everything else. I have still given up because I wanted to make a success of this and even if I went back I won't be able to. I've missed out on too much and I am not fit, physically and mentally, to play catchup after all these setbacks. All I wanted was an even chance like everyone else but I wasn't given that.