Struggling ....

I went into typical codependant mode last night - reactive and controlling, and lacking in trust in the man I am dating, God and my Inner Child.

I am two weeks into a month away from the man I am dating. I asked him for a break so I could concentrate on myself and go into treatment for depression.

We met via on online dating site, and I decided to go to the site to see if he had been online there recently. He had, in the previous week. My instant reaction was anger and I decided to create a fake profile, and email him, and then see what he did.

Then I realized that, whatever he did, I was destroying my trust in him, and trying to control him to prove that he is not being faithful. Trust and betrayal is a core issue for me, and often dictates what I say and do. I know this, and here I was racing into codependent behavior again. I also realized that I had turned away from trusting my God and my commitment to surrender my life and all that happens to God.

After journalling for a little while, I came back to the computer and deleted the new profile I had created to trap him. I knew that was the right thing to do. Now I am struggling to treat this as a lesson in understanding myself. I feel bad about myself and am beating on my poor Inner Child.

I am goint to work today to keep close to my God and repeatedly tell myself that I am OK as I am. I stumbled, and then stood back up in accountability. I am going to give my trust issues to my God. They are too big for me to handle by myself.

Thank you for listening. I am grateful for a forum to share all this with.

God bless,

Helen

Thanks Becky. You are right. I need to acknowledge the healthy response I made once I realised what I was doing.

I'll hold onto that thought!

Hi Helen,

I am so touched by your honesty and openness about your situation. It's hard to admit to ourselves and to others when we feel that we have handled a situation badly, and I'm so pleased to know that you were able to recognize your feelings and change what you did on the dating web site. Trust is a difficult issue for a lot of us. It's sometimes even more delicate in a romantic relationship. How long have you and your boyfriend been seeing each other? Are you able to spend time together (aside from this break you are on right now) or is it more of a long-distance relationship? Things tend to reveal themselves to us when the time is right, and you will know, as time moves on, whether or not you can trust your boyfriend. In the meantime, I hope you can enjoy what you have with him, and find some support for yourself as you deal with your depression. I think it's very wise to do what you're doing.....taking time to look after yourself and get treatment. You've come to a really good place here, Helen. The people are supportive and compassionate. I wish you the very best, and hope you will post again.